aspie relationship. communication advice needed.

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I am an aspie dating an aspie. We have been friends for 4 years and in that time I have dated 3 times. I understand how much effort it can take to be that mentally intimate with someone and how communication is essential to keeping your partner and yourself happy.

My boyfriend has never dated anyone before. I'm not sure if he understands that you sometimes need to work on a relationship or that a lot of things don't come naturally, especially for aspies, and may only be the result of discussion and effective communication.

He is a perfectionist wants everything to be perfect, including my life. I am also a perfectionist, to a lesser degree and I understand I can always improve things but I will probably never have my life in perfect order.

Recently he offended me deeply by telling me to give up/postpone my long term goal/aspiration and concentrate on perfecting other aspects of my life. He meant well but the advice was not wanted. I was feeling quite emotional and I wanted to avoid a confrontation but he could tell I was upset and wanted to fix the problem straight away. He kept pushing me to tell him what was wrong and without having had time to process my emotions, I got very mad/frustrated with the situation. We had an argument and stopped speaking for days.

I eventually sent him a message explaining how I felt at the time in detailed points and asked that he take time to read my message, think it over and then reply. I got an apologetic message back a day later. At that time I had missed him so much I just wanted everything between us to go back to normal.

However, I also wanted to avoid the above situation again so I am looking for tips for communication in an aspie relationship/ maintaining a relationship.

In particular, suggestions on how to express your opinions or advice to your partner without forcing it on them or how to communicate with your partner when they have unintentionally offended/upset/hurt you.

Thanks for reading, any advice is welcome

this applies to all people. never say anything when angry beyond, "i need some time to cool down."

Thanks for your reply cathylynn.

I understand that I need time to calm down but the issue is he wants to fix the issue right away. So I need advice on how to basically ask for it the topic to be not discussed until later or to explain why without getting mad/upset.

Also once I have calmed down I am unsure of how to bring the topic back up again. Sometimes it doesn't need to be but other times like the example I have given, it is important.

There is no problem with getting upset or mad (within some limits). The important thing is to find ways back after such arguments, and also trying to not say too much when in such a state. Everybody will fight and argue to some extent. It doesn't matter a lot as long as you are able to get back on speaking terms again.

talk to him now and say that when you are angry is not a good time no matter how uncomfortable waiting is and how important the issue is. you know - an ounce of prevention.

My boyfriend is always telling me how to live my life. I just nod and listen. If I like his advice I'll take it, if not, I won't. But I do find it annoying when he goes on and on. It's a bit compulsively controlling.

Doesn't sound like an Aspie related issue to me. Sometimes people don't realize that others don't want their problems to fixed and solved.

I do not know how your relationship has progressed, you need to consider the question of do you want to be with this man.

I am not sure what you mean by you haved dated three times, do you mean you have dated three men or do you mean you have been on three dates with your boy friend.

If you have an established relationship with a man then I would suggest that when neither of you are angry you need to talk and work through your differences.

I do not know what long term goals your BF wants you to drop or postpone . Even if something is a silly idea, I would say that unless it is very harmful to you or him then you should be gentle with each other and not crush each other's dreams.

Being with a person in a good loving relationship means you are looking after the person and are trying to help your partner be happy and well. Husbands / wifes should look after each other and try to make the world a better place for their partner rather than trying to score points over their partner (like she went to a nightclub last week so I am entitled to get drunk in the bar two times).

I would say that an aspie / aspie relationship can work well, my wife is autistic like I am. I try to look after her, she does her best to look after me. We get on well.

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Health is a state of physical, mental and social wellbeing and not merely the absence of disease or infirmity I am not a jigsaw, I am a free man !

Diagnosed under the DSM5 rules with autism spectrum disorder, under DSM4 psychologist said would have been AS (299.80) but I suspect that I am somewhere between 299.80 and 299.00 (Autism) under DSM4.