Sometimes the right thing feels wrong

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So, I just terminated a one week old relationship, and though I have no doubt it was the right thing to do, I still feel sh***y about it. I met the girl online, chatted on the phone a bit, and after a bit of back and forth, invited her to my place for me to cook for her, which is normally a second or third date for me so as not to seem forward, but she was all over it as soon as I mentioned the idea, so I went with it. She had a 3 year old and her sitter fell through, but I said it was okay to bring her daughter, which was a little awkward but whatever, and she basically threw herself at me as soon as her kid was asleep. I had great sexual chemistry with this girl, and got along okay with her, but didn't really feel much of a spark, but since she seemed to really like me, I decided to go with it for the moment to see if there was anything there, and kept in touch with her over the week (the date was on a Sunday), culminating with her staying over with me for most of the Halloween weekend. During that time, I got more and more warning signals from this person, from a past history of abuse to her current dire personal situation to multiple hints at wanting to get very serious very quickly, and by Sunday I was concerned about how to either slow things down or break them off cleanly without hurting her too much, when she reacted very badly to my by then very strong need for space, pouting and giving me the cold shoulder when I insisted on taking her home that evening rather than letting her stay over again and taking her to work very early in the morning (on my day off). She texted me apologizing, but by then I'd made up my mind that this wasn't someone I wanted to be involved with long term, even if the physical relationship was great, and since she wanted something much more serious than I was willing to give, I decided to sleep on the text and decide what to do in the morning. Well, she decided to blow up my text this morning demanding to know if/why I was mad at her, and asking if we were done, to which I answered 'yes, neither of us is really what the other needs right now', which triggered a bunch of nasty texts and accusations that I didn't respond to, even though the urge to defend myself was strong.

Here's the takeaway that is kind of the whole point here: In the past, I would have tried to be the "good guy" and stuck it out in a situation that made me miserable until things got unbearable for everyone, and would have argued with her about the things she said about me, causing nothing but more grief for everyone. Yes, this way feels bad at the moment, I don't feel great because clearly she's upset and I caused it, but it was the right thing to do, as stringing her along to keep the sex would have been dishonest, trying to force myself into a relationship I knew was doomed would have been much worse long term, and allowing her to blame me for everything without contesting it minimizes the pain she's no doubt feeling over the rejection. It took me a long time and a lot of unnecessary pain to learn this lesson, listen to my gut and don't prolong things that feel wrong because I'm afraid no one else will come along or being afraid of hurting someone's feelings, dragging it out will hurt everyone much more, and there's usually a reason I'm getting those warning signals. I feel sh***y today and I'll probably feel that way tomorrow too, but not as bad as I'd have felt if I'd dragged my feet and strung this person along in a misguided attempt not to hurt them, and though it stings letting them think I'm a jerk right now, long term that's really no skin off my nose, and I know I did the right thing under the circumstances.

This girl sounds like bad news, and it sounds like you shouldn't have a relationship with her.

But you should have figured that out before having sex. You recognized that something was amiss when she was throwing herself at you, but still went with it. You used her, and added to the damage already done to her. You should feel bad about that. Sorry to say so.

Typical response. "She threw herself at you, but it's your fault anyway." *sigh*

So are you saying any woman "throwing herself" at a man is necessarily a bad news?

That's kinda.....misogynist.

On the one hand, there are emotionally stable women who are quick to act on physical attraction so it need not be a guaranteed red flag. On the other hand, there are emotionally unstable women who do the same so it's a bit of a coin flip. Are the risks worth the rewards? That all depends on what is being risked and what steps are taken to mitigate risk. In this case, the only fallout was some angry words. Whew! It could have been a lot worse.

Dox47 framed this as a lesson in not pursuing a potentially toxic relationship out of inertia or a sense of duty. That a little pain now is better than a lot of pain later. It could also have dovetailed nicely with the other thread about ghosting (and it still can). But...sex....yup we went there immediately

I don't think a woman is necessarily "bad news" if she "throws herself" on me.

However, I would feel somewhat skeptical if this would happen. I would wonder what her true intentions are (women sometimes have ulterior motives, men sometimeshave ulterior motives--nothing to do with gender!! !!)

You have to do this in life. You have to be skeptical; otherwise, people will "walk all over you."

I probably wouldn't have made love with the woman if I felt this sort of skepticism (though, alas, owing to my own fragilities, I might have given in). Making love introduces the couple to a whole new level of intimacy. And a whole new level, as a result, of the need for the sensitive handling of the relationship (or its demise).

She wanted sex. He provided sex.
I fail to see how he did anything wrong. He didn't use her, he gave her what she was pursuing.

ive met plenty of people, both sexes, that don't quite know their feelings until after some significant event. For some, like myself, having sex for the first time clarifies everything, and then there are some that find their feelings the moment after they say i do when they get married. These things are unavoidable and there's nothing anyone can do about it. It's a human thing. Dox has worked out what he had to work out in a very short time indeed, and then the moment he knew he cut things off.

It might not seem like it now, but 5 years in the future when he bumps into her, and she's moved on and she's happy, the decision he's made will make a lot more sense. He didn't keep it dragging on for 3 years, he found out what he needed to know and he ended it. He wasted very little of her time really.

As for feelings, are you ignorant of the fact that dox has very clearly hurt his own feelings through having to reject her? He did it anyway. I doubt this woman would have been as kind to him if the situations were reversed, in my experience MOST people find it a lot harder to hurt their own feelings through ending situations and frequently do it in a cruel way. She should count herself lucky that she it was someone like dox that was doing the ending.

At least most of the replies made it for that one awful response....way to make it an issue of guys vs. girls. Yeah, he felt skeptical. But any one of you in this thread, guys and girls alike, would have still let the person have their way with you. I know I would have. At least it'd give me experience.

How did having sex with her, which she clearly desired, in any way damage her?

Very succinct summary, that's exactly what I was trying to get across, the back story was really just a way of illustrating the point, as I don't normally put my personal life on the web for fun.

Sorry to see nerdygirl getting beat up by some just for giving her honest opinion. She wasn't rude or out of line. And I see her point. Its a bit grey to me. Hard to second guess stuff that happens in the heat of the action.

I do think it was a good call to not become involved and also think the surgical cut best, even most merciful in the end.

No, she was rude. Maybe she wasn't meaning to be, but she essentially said "this woman wanted to have sex with you, but it's your fault for going through with it." AKA blame Dox because he's a man.

I didn't know expressing dissenting views was beating up on someone.

It all sounds fair enough to me. It's frustrating going through that time period of "I know I'll feel fine about this later but right now I feel bad about it" but there's nothing you can do to stop the current bad feelings. Rational thinking will not help out in these times! Just have to ride it out, as they say.

A woman you've never met in person brings her 3 yo along on a date? That's a giant, flashing, neon sign that screams "boundary issues, run for the hiiiills".

Ghosting was totally the right thing to do.