Bonding

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*trigger warning* mention of murdered child


From an article on the murder of autistic child London McCabe: Dee Shepherd-Look, a psychology professor at California State University, Northridge, who runs an education group for mothers of autistic children, said ?quite frankly, I am surprised this doesn?t happen more often.?

?These children are really unable to be in a reciprocal relationship and the moms don?t really experience the love that comes back from a child ? the bonding is mitigated,? she told NBC News. ?That is one of the most difficult things for mothers.?

Leaving aside for a minute how what an utterly horrifying concept that is to put out into the world, where it might encourage more murders -- do you think it's generally true?

I know I had worries about bonding and my son's ability to reciprocate affection when he was very young; I'm not sure exactly when or how the change happened, but he's been the most affectionate boy in the world for years. I've never encountered another parent who complained of feeling unloved by their child or who hadn't bonded with them.

I *have* seen parents who don't notice or acknowledge their child's attempts to connect with them, because they're too busy trying to correct behaviors they don't like. And I can only hope that that's just one small facet of the relationship, their public face.

If you would like to contact that professor about her views, contact information is in the comments of this post: http://loveexplosions.net/2014/11/05/ab ... ompetence/

Dee Shepherd-Look: [email protected]
Jill Razani, chair of the psychology department at California State University, Northridge (i.e. Shepherd-Look?s supervisor: [email protected]
Gary Katz, who co-directs CSUN?s graduate clinical psychology program with Shepherd-Look: [email protected]
The Equity and Diversity Office at CSUN: [email protected]

I think it would be even more appropriate to contact NBC and complain about their irresponsibly in publishing that statement. It's like saying, "Parents really do hate their teenagers" during a rash of teenage suicides.

I just realized that the way I wrote that doesn't encourage parents who don't feel bonded to answer... I apologize and hope people will answer honestly anyway.

I don't think there is a way to word this to encourage people who haven't bonded to answer, because there's an enormous amount of guilt associated with that.

Honestly, I had hard time bonding with my first child. He hated being held. He would scream whenever I picked him up- he did it with everybody, but it was really hard for me to deal with. This will sound utterly ridiculous considering he was a baby, but I felt rejected. I couldn't breastfeed him which made me feel like the biggest failure ever because as EVERYONE KNOWS "breast is best".. I pumped milk and he did take a bottle, but not from my body.. The reason I relate this to autism is that he continues to this day to have severe tactile sensory problems- he hates being touched.
Then he didn't interact with me. He wouldn't look at me, he wouldn't do anything with me... One girl who evaluated him remarked "it's almost like he's blind and deaf!" because he was so unresponsive (that is, of course until you touch him and then he scream and start bashing his head into the floor). The guy who diagnosed him told me that he's so severely autistic that he doesn't understand the concept of humans and he has no idea that I'm his mother (I'm like a light bulb to him or something), and never will. At first, I believed him, and that hurt.

He's 15 now and I think we are fairly close- I'd say we're fully bonded. Part of it is, I understand his behaviours better. I know it's not "personal" that he doesn't like hugs, and I've learned that some experts are MORONS. As crazy as this may sound, I honestly think my son is very smart. I know he recognises me, as he responds differently/better to me than other people, so that whole thing about him having no concept of humans is BS. I'd like to think he loves me, although I don't know that...but I've also learned to not care as much. I've changed my perspective. It used to be that I believed that in order to have a good life, he had to be a certain way. I've realised he will never be that way, so now my priority is on giving him a good life as he is. That is sort of a burden off my shoulders because although it's still a huge challenge, it's certainly manageable. He hates hugs, but he will touch my hand (i put my hand out, he touches it)- now that's our greeting and I'm perfectly fine with that. But not having any greeting, that doesn't work for me.

Like I said, I have so much guilt at the time, and still loads of it now too. I had a much easier time bonding with my second child, but he's way more interactive. When he was a baby/toddler he smiled, loved hugs, looked at me, enjoyed interactive games like peek-a-boo, would even drag me over to what he wanted to show me (my older son never initiates interaction EVER)... I never considered killing my older son though. I like to think of myself as a reasonable and level-headed person and I don't think that behaviour is reasonable or level -headed. I feel like when a parent murders their autistic child, they have their own issues (not sure to what to call it) that were present autistic child or not.