Aspie boyfriend confronted by my ex....

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I'm just looking for opinions from you guys. I've been involved with an man with AS (undiagnosed) for about 7 months. The relationship is not typical, by any stretch, but we both love each other.

About three weeks ago, my bf was sleeping over at my house, when my ex (daughter's father) decided to stop by in the middle of the night. Of all nights I forgot to lock the door. He entered and came up to my room (no knocking, unannounced). He hit my bf in the leg, waking him up. He proceed to yell at him for what he sees as inappropriate conduct (sleeping with me) when our kids home. My bf just said sorry. I pulled my ex away from him, wasn't sure if he would hit him, and said leave, I'm calling the police.

My ex left. My BF got dressed and left without saying anything to me. The next day I said if he didn't want to see me again, I would understand. He replied that we should just take an 'extended vacation' from each other.

Since then our communication had been minimal. He didn't even want to see me on his birthday . I told him we don't need to talk about what happened (unless he does). My ex even wants to apologise to him, which I said no to, but told my boyfriend of his intentions.

At this point I don't see any progress in our communication. I'm concerned that he will not be comfortable in my home again. I'm just looking for any advise you are willing to give as to how I should handle this. Thanks.

He may be worried about your ex & afraid he could get hurt or get caught up in the drama. Maybe you could try reassuring him that your ex won't be an issue.

What you described as happening is scarey. I don't blame the new person for leaving. It appears that both you and your ex need to cut strings. Was the door left unlocked intentially in case your ex wanted to stop by for a "late night" snack? I would be extremely leery of being involved with someone who is still connected to an ex. Until you and your ex have both moved on romantically, I can't see how either one of you can be committed to someone else in a relationship. (Just my 2 cents worth)

Aspinator, the OP said it was accidentally unlocked, are you accusing her of lying? And the ex is the father of her child, which means he will always be around in some capacity. OP, I'm sorry to tell you this, but your relationship may be done for. If he doesn't contact you on his own, it means he doesn't want to continue. Maybe he doesn't feel safe, maybe he was going to do it anyways, but you can't make him do what he doesn't want.

I gave him an easy out the day after it happened! Why would he just string me along?

I guess I just need closure.

sounds scary . not sure how I would react to that happening. I would differently be more afraid of staying at her house.

he might be going thru a lot of faar or stress from it. I tend to withdraw when bad things happen to me. he might be having to deal with emotions of whether he should end it or not.

me personally I avoid conflict. if such a thing happen but I loved the woman it would be a huge dilemma to me and I have problems making big decisions as I'm indecisive

I don't think I'd be staying over again anytime soon.

i guess your current bf has been offended and bullied before in the past/school? so that incident broke his confidence and trust in a relationship

this thread makes me want to cry

EDIT: didn't you break up with your AS bf (according to your previous thread)? what happened between then and the incident?

Well...yes, I did break up with him and we got back together (very observant of you). I'm not sure if we got bullied, as he never mentioned. He went to an all boys school. He's extremely good looking, so I think he got treated differently because of that. People treat all good looking people better in general, I find.

I'd say this relationship is definitely over. There's just so much wrong here?

First the bad news? Sleeping with your bf with kids in the house tends to be frowned upon. It SHOULDN'T be anyone's business, but unfortunately people make it their business. I hate this for you, and there's not a thing you can do about it.

Now, the GOOD news? Your ex is your EX. What you do has nothing to do with him. He should be far, far away from your life, and the only contact you should have with this guy should be related to how you've worked out custody/visitation. You split for a reason. What you want to do is drive every wedge you can between the two of you, and the only cooperation you're going to indulge him in will directly involve matters related to the child you have together.

What he did was wrong. You should have called the police and reported the assault on your bf. This is not how grownups act, and the fact he acts this way AND has a child involved is utterly frightening. This is not a problem that is going away. You're going to have to take steps to make sure this NEVER happens again.

Very sorry you're going through this. You certainly have our thoughts and prayers.

I don't think he's stringing you along. I think he needs time to think about and process this. May seem like just an accident, one incident to you. It is likely much more to him mentally. If you want to try and salvage this, let him have all the time and space he needs.

[quote="AngelRho"]I'd say this relationship is definitely over. There's just so much wrong here?

First the bad news? Sleeping with your bf with kids in the house tends to be frowned upon. It SHOULDN'T be anyone's business, but unfortunately people make it their business. I hate this for you, and there's not a thing you can do about it.

Now, the GOOD news? Your ex is your EX. What you do has nothing to do with him. He should be far, far away from your life, and the only contact you should have with this guy should be related to how you've worked out custody/visitation. You split for a reason. What you want to do is drive every wedge you can between the two of you, and the only cooperation you're going to indulge him in will directly involve matters related to the child you have together.

What he did was wrong. You should have called the police and reported the assault on your bf. This is not how grownups act, and the fact he acts this way AND has a child involved is utterly frightening. This is not a problem that is going away. You're going to have to take steps to make sure this NEVER happens again.

Very sorry you're going through this. You certainly have our thoughts and prayers.[/quote

I did report the incident to the police. The detective called and I later said that I don't want to press charges, but want a record of it. He could have faced first degree home invasion charges with serious penalties and jail time

Why is it frowned upon? Should mothers remain alone for the rest of their lives 0.o

Your current bf is the beta deer, he lost the battle and hence why withdrawing

Last edited by The_Face_of_Boo on 10 Nov 2014, 11:02 am, edited 1 time in total.

It's stupid, I know. An ex will play it as showing the kid a bad example, or exposing the child to an immoral lifestyle or something the ex objects to. People jump to conclusions, immediately imagining this perverse situations, like the kid is watching a Disney movie while you make out on the couch, or you're having wild monkey sex in the next room and the child could walk in at any time, etc., etc. Or what kind of person is the bf? Is this someone who is safe around the child? They'll say if she wants to sleep around, she should drop the kid off with gramma and then she can do whatever she wants.

BTW?I heard a story about a woman who had started divorce proceedings against her abusive husband (so she said, anyway). Turns out this guy worked in law enforcement. So she starts going out with this other guy. He hires a private detective to follow her around, and he photographs them together at her house over night. She had no idea this was going on. So at the hearing, his lawyer confronts her with this and she volunteers a little TMI, that her baby (with her ex) was sleeping in her bedroom while they were having sex.

If the ex-husband hadn't gotten the child, DHS-CPS would have.

Now, I suspect this particular case is an exceptional. Her lawyer was this aging man who drinks heavily and probably in the early stages of Alzheimer's. He'll get one GOOD case every 5 years, give or take, and just kind of abandon the rest of his clients. He should have raised every objection in the book and made up some more when that lawyer started asking those kinds of questions. But what sucks is the divorce wasn't final when she was sleeping with this guy, she wasn't very smart to begin with and didn't know that running your mouth in court and lying to your own lawyer could cause her that much trouble. Aside from some pictures, her ex had NOTHING. You don't spill your guts in court. And because of how she handled herself, she admitted to something (adultery) that meant pretty much automatically giving up the child, not to mention child endangerment and who knows what else.

I don't think CodeGrey's case is quite that extreme. Her ex could haul her into court (I'm assuming she either wasn't married to her ex or they have a divorce decree) under the same pretense, but then he has an unclean hands case. Breaking/entering and assault tend to be frowned upon, so he'd have to self-incriminate in order to accuse her of endangering a child by having her bf sleep over. He would have to, Idk, call DHS and tell them that his daughter said that bf likes to touch her in her private area when he comes over. Something like that. And they'd place the kid with foster parents for a couple of weeks before turning her over to the dad (IF they even do that). People don't like to think that their lives are over after a breakup or divorce. We like to think people mind their own business, play by the rules, live and let live. But you DON'T get your life back, especially with a child involved. And reality isn't always that kind.

That's why I hate to hear CodeGrey's story and others like it. Divorces "work" when two people decide that, for whatever reason, they can't be together anymore and aren't interested in trying. The split happens with civility and everyone can still be friends and get together over coffee when it's done. In reality, does this really happen? Not as much as we'd like. And that's how you get situations like this.

Ex or soon-to-be ex-wife gets painted as a slut doing unspeakable things with her bf in front of a child. Child is in danger and has to be placed in ex-husband's custody. I'm not trying to scare anyone, and I don't know all the facts with CodeGrey. And I know that doesn't really answer the question of "why is it frowned upon?" I dunno?why are people mean to each other? Why are people hypocrites? Why do grownups act like toddlers and break into their exes' houses? Why do people manipulate the justice system? No idea. Some people are just evil and that's the most you can say about them.