The Never-Had-A-Bf/Gf Red Flag

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The_Face_of_Boo
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14 Dec 2014, 1:59 pm

The_Face_of_Boo
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14 Dec 2014, 2:21 pm

I am getting this red flag and it's a pretty strong one, I didn't feel it when I was 29-30 but it suddenly became apparent when I reached 32 (a magical number?) - my age itself became an obstacle: On dating sites or even in real life, whenever the lady I chat with knows my age I get bombarded with questions like "are you married?/ Have you ever been married?" , "why aren't you married", "why don't you have a gf?". It is very hard to genuinely answer any of those without revealing personal matters/weaknesses/baggage/insecurities that shouldn't be revealed yet at this stage.



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14 Dec 2014, 3:23 pm

+/- of a woman in her 30's who's never had a boyfriend:

+ She's likely to be looking for true love, rather than just a guy she can say is her boyfriend, kiss, touch, have sex with, etc. I know I'll regret it if I take the first girl who will have sex with me...
+ She'll be more thrilled when she does get some (whether it be affection, sex, someone to do a beloved activity with, or anything else she wants in a relationship)
+ She hasn't been hurt by bad relationships and can open her heart more easily.
- She may need practice in bed or showing affection.
- I might have to make the first move since she could be very shy.


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Stargazer43
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14 Dec 2014, 3:29 pm

I haven't faced this red flag yet, but I think that its largely because nothing has progressed to the point where women would ask detailed questions about my past relationship history yet. I do really worry that if I tell the truth, it will send a red flag and make things more difficult - most people start dating in high school, and I think that many people have trouble considering that a perfectly normal and decent person could go through life without being in a relationship at some point. Still, I am honest to a fault and wouldn't lie about it...I just might try to delay answering until we are in a fairly serious relationship. I would probably preface answering by telling them to judge me for who I am and the person that they know, and not based on my previous life experiences.

I think that part of the key is being happy with yourself, and not being ashamed of your lack of experience. If I can say with confidence "I haven't been in a relationship before, but I'm ok with that", I think women in general will be far more accepting than if I act ashamed or embarrassed over it.



The_Face_of_Boo
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14 Dec 2014, 4:38 pm

Stargazer43 wrote:
I haven't faced this red flag yet, but I think that its largely because nothing has progressed to the point where women would ask detailed questions about my past relationship history yet. I do really worry that if I tell the truth, it will send a red flag and make things more difficult - most people start dating in high school, and I think that many people have trouble considering that a perfectly normal and decent person could go through life without being in a relationship at some point. Still, I am honest to a fault and wouldn't lie about it...I just might try to delay answering until we are in a fairly serious relationship. I would probably preface answering by telling them to judge me for who I am and the person that they know, and not based on my previous life experiences.

I think that part of the key is being happy with yourself, and not being ashamed of your lack of experience. If I can say with confidence "I haven't been in a relationship before, but I'm ok with that", I think women in general will be far more accepting than if I act ashamed or embarrassed over it.


Man, they ask me these questions during the first message exchange, even before any date.
And on a first date, when it happens, they probe even more.

The "I haven't been in a relationship before, but I'm ok with that" wouldn't be an entirely honest answer from my part either, no, I am not really ok with that. No one who uses okcupid really is :lol:.

There's *always* losing points whatever you answer such question.

- If you say something "I haven't met the right person yet", they often react with something like "but there are a lot of good women out there", and they would assume you're abnormally picky.
-If you say "not lucky in finding love", this sounds downer no matter how you put it.
- If you say something like "I appreciate my freedom", they would assume you're a player.
-With the "I haven't been in a relationship before, but I'm ok with that" - I think they would still ask you "but why never been in relationship?" because they often want to know why never been in one not just whether you've been in relationship or not.



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14 Dec 2014, 5:19 pm

What if your answer is "I don't know"

So, I was asking advice from a couple of people this week and they said that they don't know why I'm single and there is "nothing wrong" with me. They say I'm not like weird people they know are single, the kind who other people nudge each other about and point at and laugh at the idea of them ever meeting anyone because they either come over weird or are quite frankly ugly.

Ok so I shot myself in the foot when I was younger. I was your pretentious emo type and just too angsty and straight laced about everything and I can see how that wasn't appealing, but now I'm older and have developed into a more liberal person I feel like I've missed the boat. If young me had ended up with someone like how I was back then I would hate them now, so I'm glad I didn't get married when I was younger. That would have been an awful experience.

Youth is wasted on the young.



Stargazer43
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14 Dec 2014, 6:18 pm

The_Face_of_Boo wrote:
Man, they ask me these questions during the first message exchange, even before any date.
And on a first date, when it happens, they probe even more.

The "I haven't been in a relationship before, but I'm ok with that" wouldn't be an entirely honest answer from my part either, no, I am not really ok with that. No one who uses okcupid really is :lol:.


I think that part of it for you may be either cultural, or the types of people that you are messaging...I've only had one person ask any questions like that, and to be frank she was a little loopy. Maybe it has something to do with something your profile also.

And what I meant by being ok with it isn't that you haven't wanted a relationship...goodness knows that I have. It's more that you don't judge yourself for not having one, and you have still been able to live a rewarding life without one. A lot of people who are in the same boat end up losing their sense of self-worth and just becoming miserable over it. That sort of mindset can wind up being a self-fulfilling prophecy and drive people away.

I fully agree though that it is an extremely difficult question to answer. It's almost like if you're 30 and you have no work experience on your resume. Regardless of your education or how qualified you are, employers will judge you for it unless you have a really good explanation.



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14 Dec 2014, 6:42 pm

Quote:
It is very hard to genuinely answer any of those without revealing personal matters/weaknesses/baggage/insecurities


That's why she's asking.



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14 Dec 2014, 7:02 pm

I guess I could see how the average person would consider that as a red-flag but if someone is going to judge you negatively based on that instead of who you are then they obviously aren't worth your time anyways. I believe being up front and honest with people from the beginning is the key to finding a worthwhile meaningful relationship. I've straight up told women on the first date about the issues I have so that they know what to expect. They can either accept it or I won't hear from them again. They'll even open up and talk about their own issues so I know what to expect. I think it helps and shows that you are serious when it comes to dating and that you aren't just going to b.s. around, and more times than not they can at least respect you for that. The older you get the harder dating becomes, by age 30 people tend to have some serious baggage that makes dating them difficult because of their experiences from past relationships, I would think that someone that has been single their whole life would be a lot easier to be with but it all depends on the person I suppose.



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14 Dec 2014, 7:33 pm

Can the horrible economy be used as an excuse? Maybe even working the night shift making it hard to socialize? Or can even a mention of working 'graveyard' shift be creepy?



CynicalWaffle
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14 Dec 2014, 8:47 pm

That story in that link is so spot-on.

Another double standard. It's okay for a woman to have not had relationship experience by like age 75, but if a man hasn't had any by 21, he's weird.

But it's okay for a dude to be a total man-whore and have 5 kids by 5 different women at age 21.

Makes no goddamn sense.



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15 Dec 2014, 4:37 am

CynicalWaffle wrote:
That story in that link is so spot-on.

Another double standard. It's okay for a woman to have not had relationship experience by like age 75, but if a man hasn't had any by 21, he's weird.

But it's okay for a dude to be a total man-whore and have 5 kids by 5 different women at age 21.

Makes no goddamn sense.


Well the article is written by a woman who is concerned that her lack of relationship experience is a red flag. Also if you read the comments underneath there are women who are worried about this too. So it is not a problem exclusive to men.



downbutnotout
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15 Dec 2014, 4:58 am

One of those knee-jerk reactions. I know the media-popular image of a crazed killer or a lunatic is someone obviously isolated or incapable of relating to others, but plenty of times that hasn't been the case. "Seemingly normal, friendly, charismatic guy kills, rapes, and commits necrophilia!" doesn't sell a lot of papers, it seems.

Thinking that someone must be "broken" or dangerous in order to have remained single is what I'm assuming is behind the red flag. Certainly it suggests that they haven't been living the most mainstream life, but in and of itself it doesn't say anything about their character, stability, or ability to love. I would assume issues with anxiety, health, or location, but I'm surprised to hear that some simply haven't found a good match in mid-life. Some are harder to pair off than others, I guess.



The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Dec 2014, 7:40 am

CynicalWaffle wrote:
That story in that link is so spot-on.

Another double standard. It's okay for a woman to have not had relationship experience by like age 75, but if a man hasn't had any by 21, he's weird.

But it's okay for a dude to be a total man-whore and have 5 kids by 5 different women at age 21.

Makes no goddamn sense.


The author is a woman and she's feeling she's tainted with this red flag too and so some who commented, this is an issue not related to gender.



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15 Dec 2014, 8:05 am

The guy I am dating is 27 and has never had a girlfriend before. He's only slept with one girl. I really like this guy. He is really intelligent (like, tested gifted) and really funny and really handsome as well. We both like going to movies and he likes to play games and watch series, which I like as well. We also both like to travel and try new different things. I have to admit that he makes me feel a bit insecure about myself: am I witty and smart enough for him? Will he get bored with me soon? So far, he has initiated both the first date and the second date. I guess it is a good sign, because my last 'hookup' didn't initiate anything after the first date. He finds me incredibly attractive, saying others guys are probably very jealous of him to date me. He told me that it was a relief to him to talk with a no-issues girl (boy, he should know) that is nice, intelligent, beautiful and funny at the same time. That I was actually 'pretty amazing'.
I know those are all good signs but my insecurity remains. I chronically feel that I am not interesting enough to fall in love with and have a relationship with. Too weird/too shy/too quircky/not witty enough/not warm enough/// I don't know what it is with me. I am hypervigilant to cues that he does not like me anymore, even though I don't show that when I am with him or are in contact with him. For example: we had our first date last wednesday. We set up the second date for coming thursday. This makes me wonder: does he not like me enough to not want to see me earlier than that? (even though I know he has a busy job and combines that with going to college). I am also afraid that he doesn't like the real me, but that he is just flattered by the attention he gets from an attractive girl and likes the idea of a relationship (my idea is reinforced by the fact that he is quite inexperienced in love). These are all things I worry about. All I can do is accept it when it doesn't work out and I find that hard to do.

I had to get it off my chest even though it is not quite linked to the topic, pardon me guys.



The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Dec 2014, 10:15 am

hurtloam wrote:
What if your answer is "I don't know"

So, I was asking advice from a couple of people this week and they said that they don't know why I'm single and there is "nothing wrong" with me. They say I'm not like weird people they know are single, the kind who other people nudge each other about and point at and laugh at the idea of them ever meeting anyone because they either come over weird or are quite frankly ugly.

Ok so I shot myself in the foot when I was younger. I was your pretentious emo type and just too angsty and straight laced about everything and I can see how that wasn't appealing, but now I'm older and have developed into a more liberal person I feel like I've missed the boat. If young me had ended up with someone like how I was back then I would hate them now, so I'm glad I didn't get married when I was younger. That would have been an awful experience.

Youth is wasted on the young.


Your problem is because you're not desperate enough I guess.

You should WHINE!!:lol: - believe me, all WP girls who whined a lot about not having a boyfriends (I can pm you names if you want), got a boyfriend after a short while, call me crazy but it's true lol and it's still happening to nowadays users. Males, that never works for you.

Read this old thread:
http://origin.wrongplanet.net/forums/vi ... p?t=172268