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unknownsolider
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15 Dec 2014, 6:35 pm

so, first of all i'm going to apologise for my grammar and such mistakes for i am not a native english speaker..

5 months since now, i started dating a girl. a weird one, which i liked, but i didn't think she had any mental 'disorders' (if i may call it that way). I didn't have a clue what aspergers is until she told me she has it, and then i started doing research on it, bought a few books and studied them, kind of, and i accept it and 'deal' with it quite well I think... Until the meltdown comes..

I too have psychological problems, but i have never been diagnosed with any, because shrinks and pshychologists never knew whet is it with me, and neither do i, but that is not the point. The point is, she doesn't trust me when i tell her i love her, sometimes she says she does, but generally doesn't, and every time she has a meltdown she breaks up, and then i have to win her back every time.. It's kind of killing me inside out, but i want to be there with here still.
When she is in the meltdown, she doesn't realise she is, and she doesn't realise she is not herself, and she denies everything i say and suddenly tells me she doesn't love me and to get away and never to talk with her again
and then sometimes she cuts a lot, and i used to do it so i understand what it feels like...and i am not even yelling or trying to argue. I still have to learn to deal with it, because she says she will never stop destroying me like that, but how am i supposed to convince her into trying to work things out, to learn to control it when she just won't listen to me when I try to help her. And she won't listen to anyone, not just me. I really care for her and she says that I make her feel and that i make her feel safe but she still doesn't trust me.

Can someone please have a little time for me to try to help me with this?
How am I supposed to bring it up to her without pressure, that I need her to trust me and eventually that she does start trusting me. I have never done anything to hurt her or to make her think that I am lying for any of the reasons, but she still thinks that way. We're still young (I'm 18 and she is 16), and she has been tought not to trust, but i know i can somehow make it right and I'm mot planning on giving up, because i realised too many people have.

Thank you for Your time.



Vomelche
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18 Dec 2014, 10:52 am

She is still young and probably going through a tough time. It would be better to give her some alone space/time while providing continuing support.



mel113
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18 Dec 2014, 11:05 am

I-like everyone else-enjoy someone who likes to convince me that they love me through little gestures and such. But if you're doing that and still fighting with her, trying to get her to see that....well that's not an aspie thing....that's a trust issue/depression thing. I agree that you both need time apart. You can still be there for her, but from a bit of a distance. You can't fix her. She needs to fix herself.



unknownsolider
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18 Dec 2014, 11:15 am

ty a lot for answering,
i know that it is not an aspie thing but i was just wandering if she sees it different than i am..
and it's not that we're having fights, she and i discuss it calmly, and when the meltdown is over she is fine with everyting
today she noticed it and said that she has to learn to control her meltdowns..
how can i help her with that?



unknownsolider
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18 Dec 2014, 12:01 pm

and yeah, it seems like i'm trying to fix her, but not really.. i just want to help her 'fix' herself..



Vomelche
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20 Dec 2014, 1:39 pm

unknownsolider wrote:
ty a lot for answering,
i know that it is not an aspie thing but i was just wandering if she sees it different than i am..
and it's not that we're having fights, she and i discuss it calmly, and when the meltdown is over she is fine with everyting
today she noticed it and said that she has to learn to control her meltdowns..
how can i help her with that?


I think it would help if she distracted herself by focusing on something else or doing something different to occupy her time (like a hobby maybe).



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20 Dec 2014, 3:42 pm

She sounds like a really complicated person. Just reading your post makes me tired. My lord.



unknownsolider
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20 Dec 2014, 4:10 pm

maybe, but she is worth the trouble



Zilphy
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20 Dec 2014, 8:16 pm

Chart her meltdowns on a calendar. Seriously. You may find a pattern. I suspect her meltdowns are worse during hormonal fluctuations. Believe me, I live it and it took me years to figure this out about myself. If you see a pattern at least you can be prepared for her meltdown. Perhaps you can be a comfort to her or give her some extra space during these times. Perhaps it is best to not overstimulate her with a lot of affection and activities during these times.

Asperger females are complex, but we are very much worth the effort:-)


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unknownsolider
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21 Dec 2014, 3:35 am

Zilphy wrote:
Chart her meltdowns on a calendar. Seriously. You may find a pattern. I suspect her meltdowns are worse during hormonal fluctuations. Believe me, I live it and it took me years to figure this out about myself. If you see a pattern at least you can be prepared for her meltdown. Perhaps you can be a comfort to her or give her some extra space during these times. Perhaps it is best to not overstimulate her with a lot of affection and activities during these times.

Asperger females are complex, but we are very much worth the effort:-)


wow, that sounds reasonable..
i shall try that, thanks



LillaA
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21 Dec 2014, 9:00 pm

unknownsolider wrote:
Zilphy wrote:
Chart her meltdowns on a calendar. Seriously. You may find a pattern. I suspect her meltdowns are worse during hormonal fluctuations. Believe me, I live it and it took me years to figure this out about myself. If you see a pattern at least you can be prepared for her meltdown. Perhaps you can be a comfort to her or give her some extra space during these times. Perhaps it is best to not overstimulate her with a lot of affection and activities during these times.

Asperger females are complex, but we are very much worth the effort:-)


wow, that sounds reasonable..
i shall try that, thanks

I was going to suggest that too. A lot of women get irrational like that and don't even realize they are when it's "that time of the month", so if you combine that with anything else going on (whether it's related to depression or Aspie or anything else), it just gets even more exaggerated. My relationship is the reverse (I'm NT; my boyfriend is Aspie), but I never realized the effect my hormones had till my boyfriend mentally charted my emotional breakdowns and made me realize that I always got emotional around a certain time of the month. After I acknowledged this, I was able to handle my NT-style-meltdowns better - I still felt that all these things were very real and terrible and they didn't feel "fake" at the time, but when he pointed out it was that time in my hormonal cycle, I was able to give it a couple days to see if I still felt that way...and as soon as the hormones shifted, I'd be back to my old self and whatever it was that had seemed so terrible at the time seemed trivial once my hormones were back in place.

So, definitely keep an eye on the timing. If her hormones aren't regular, it may not be easy to spot, but could still be a big factor.


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22 Dec 2014, 4:34 am

okay.. you're dating a woman who actively self harms. she breaks up with you all the time. she constantly makes you feel like less of a person. she doesn't trust you, even though you've been there 5 months and never given her a reason to dis-trust you. my friend, trust, attention, affection, those things should come natural in a relationship, you should never have to ask for them.

you've been with this woman for 5 months and you're getting nothing. to me, this woman (granted, you're teenagers) has absolutely no idea what love and a relationship is. this relationship has one value to her, her self-esteem. she knows you love her and she takes advantage of it. she likes breaking up with you because it soothes her ego seeing a guy who will fall to his knees for her and try to win her back.

this woman is manipulative. her issues stretch far beyond the autism spectrum. i don't know what you see in this woman, but she isn't ready for a relationship, and i think it will be a very, very long time before she is. if you're willing to sell your soul to the devil for "love" by all means buddy, go for it. but i promise you it will be a harsh life lesson for the both of you.


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SadButRad
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22 Dec 2014, 5:23 am

um I'd say you cant change people and you can accept her the way she is and if she ever finds a way to cope it will her choice/on her terms. Otherwise don't feel obligated to stay in a relationship that is making you unhappy. My boyfriend broke up with me and sometimes I wonder if it's my aspregers (he always complained about how it seemed like he cared about me more than I cared about him and I'd feel bad and say i couldn't verbalize my feelings well) but because I cared about him I wanted him to be happy even if it was without me and I was able to move on (though I kinda fell apart for a bit but I'm fine now that was ages ago).