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RikkiK
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30 Dec 2014, 12:08 am

I'm over-analyzing a date I went on last week. Well, i was positive it was a date-- he had been giving me "obvious" signs of interest and was clearly excited to see me. But then I clammed up because I was nervous on the date, and I must have bored the hell out of him....I haven't heard from him since :/ I get the feeling I killed his interest.

But anyway, I had hugged him as I always hug everyone; around the waist. I'm five feet tall and like to bury my face if I'm hugging someone, especially if I care about them. It just makes me feel safe and I can hug tighter.I also have an unfortunately large chest, which I feel weird smooshing up against someone.

But is that not something you do if you're trying to get romantic vibes across??? I googled it after it occurred to me and everything single thing insists that it has major subtext. SO, was he turned off by me or was I just not being "clear" about my interest?

Ay.



zer0netgain
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30 Dec 2014, 4:53 am

I would say, "yes," but I can't provide much insight.

I would compare it to how two men can have various displays of mutual affection without it meaning anything "gay," but those same actions can actually constitute sexual flirtation when some other variable or environment is involved.



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30 Dec 2014, 5:20 am

Yes, definitely.

Hugs are different when there's romantic interest, or a show of affection for a close friend, or hugging one's parent or relative, or sharing in grief.. etc. Different for every emotion a hug might be given or received for, and different depending on the intent of any non-verbal communication of said hug.

Chances are he was turned off by you for some reason or another. Perhaps because you clammed up and were nervous vs. anything to do with the way that you hugged him. Or maybe it was some other reason entirely. Regardless, it doesn't sound like you'll be hearing from him so best to accept that and move on vs. dwell on it.


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ImAnAspie
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30 Dec 2014, 7:37 am

RikkiK wrote:
... had been giving me "obvious" signs of interest...


Apparently I miss those, so I've been told!


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Persimmonpudding
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30 Dec 2014, 8:12 am

Theory of Mind 101: just because YOU know you were just nervous doesn't mean HE does. He might have mistaken the silence for a sign of disinterest or perhaps even disgust. It is an art to know how to send intended signals.



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30 Dec 2014, 8:23 am

Persimmonpudding wrote:
It is an art to know how to send intended signals.


You must be a NT! Please teach me!


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Aspie1
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30 Dec 2014, 8:42 am

Hugs definitely have subtext. A lot of it is in the hands. (In this post, I'll focus on romantic and friendly hugs, between guys and girls in particular, leaving out hugs between family members and those exchanged at funerals.) The key thing to watch out for is what the girl does with her hands (and the guy, to a lesser extent).

THE RUB
This a great sign. It's when the girl lightly rubs the guy's back during the hug. This is a way of showing affection that's usually romantic, although it may not be so. The Rub is not like a massage; it's more like how you'd pet your dog while roughhousing with him/her. The more coverage area during the rub, the stronger the interest level.

THE HAND PRESS
This a good, but mostly friendly sign. It's when the girl presses her hands into the guy's upper back, while taking some care not to let the bodies get too close. It means "you're a good guy (not the same as nice guy), and I like being around you". The Hand Press hugs are usually very short, because they're meant to be strictly friendly.
COROLLARY: Sometimes they'd be accompanied by exaggerated rocking side-to-side, almost like a dance. This is similar to the Body Press rocking, but is meant to be campy, rather than affectionate.

THE BODY PRESS
Totally awesome!! ! It's when the girl presses her body into yours while hugging the guy, often being oblivious of her breasts digging into his chest, or knowing and not caring. This is a strong, although not 100% guaranteed, sign of romantic interest, because it's quite intimate. In some cases, it will be accompanied to gentle rocking side-to-side, as if rocking each other to sleep, due to level of comfort with each other.
One note of warning: drunk women will sometimes give Body Press hugs to guys the feel comfortable with but don't like romantically, due to losing body coordination, in which case, enjoy the closeness and don't push your luck.

THE PAT
Bad, bad, bad!! ! It's when the girl gives the guy light pats on the back during the hug. It can mean anything from "OK, this is just a hug; it felt good, but you can stop now!" to "ew, ew, ew!! !". It does double when stands far apart in an awkward A-frame. If you find yourself getting The Pat, stop the hug immediately, and don't try to hug her again.

THE REST
Neither good nor bad. This is when the girl simple rests her hands on the guy's back, for as long as the hug lasts. It's your all-around friendly hug. It's almost never meant to be romantic. I hug my female friends this way, as well as women I just met whose I felt comfortable with, while parting company. The Rest usually done when a handshake would be too unaffectionate, The Pat wouldn't fit the situation, and other types of hug are too romantic.



nomoretears
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30 Dec 2014, 8:44 am

Yes, hugs oftentimes have a subtext.

I would give hugs to a man who eventually would stalk me. I learned the hard way not to hug a man if im not interested in them. I imagine many guys liks to have a females breasts smooshed up against them. That never crossed my mind before. Naive, I know.

I alsk miss signs of interest.

Did you make eye contact here and there?



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30 Dec 2014, 8:46 am

Aspie1 wrote:
Hugs definitely have subtext. A lot of it is in the hands. (In this post, I'll focus on romantic and friendly hugs, between guys and girls in particular, leaving out hugs between family members and those exchanged at funerals.) The key thing to watch out for is what the girl does with her hands (and the guy, to a lesser extent).

THE RUB
This a great sign. It's when the girl lightly rubs the guy's back during the hug. This is a way of showing affection that's usually romantic, although it may not be so. The Rub is not like a massage; it's more like how you'd pet your dog while roughhousing with him/her. The more coverage area during the rub, the stronger the interest level.

THE HAND PRESS
This a good, but mostly friendly sign. It's when the girl presses her hands into the guy's upper back, while taking some care not to let the bodies get too close. It means "you're a good guy (not the same as nice guy), and I like being around you". The Hand Press hugs are usually very short, because they're meant to be strictly friendly.
COROLLARY: Sometimes they'd be accompanied by exaggerated rocking side-to-side, almost like a dance. This is similar to the Body Press rocking, but is meant to be campy, rather than affectionate.

THE BODY PRESS
Totally awesome!! ! It's when the girl presses her body into yours while hugging the guy, often being oblivious of her breasts digging into his chest, or knowing and not caring. This is a strong, although not 100% guaranteed, sign of romantic interest, because it's quite intimate. In some cases, it will be accompanied to gentle rocking side-to-side, as if rocking each other to sleep, due to level of comfort with each other.
One note of warning: drunk women will sometimes give Body Press hugs to guys the feel comfortable with but don't like romantically, due to losing body coordination, in which case, enjoy the closeness and don't push your luck.

THE PAT
Bad, bad, bad!! ! It's when the girl gives the guy light pats on the back during the hug. It can mean anything from "OK, this is just a hug; it felt good, but you can stop now!" to "ew, ew, ew!! !". It does double when stands far apart in an awkward A-frame. If you find yourself getting The Pat, stop the hug immediately, and don't try to hug her again.

THE REST
Neither good nor bad. This is when the girl simple rests her hands on the guy's back, for as long as the hug lasts. It's your all-around friendly hug. It's almost never meant to be romantic. I hug my female friends this way, as well as women I just met whose I felt comfortable with, while parting company. The Rest usually done when a handshake would be too unaffectionate, The Pat wouldn't fit the situation, and other types of hug are too romantic.



You forgot one!

THE CRAP
That's the one where no one really cares about you and all hugs are superficial!

How do you know about all this anyway?


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Persimmonpudding
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30 Dec 2014, 10:48 am

ImAnAspie wrote:
Persimmonpudding wrote:
It is an art to know how to send intended signals.


You must be a NT! Please teach me!
Aspie, mainly diagnosed with Tourette's...I hit the developmental milestones I was supposed to but in these wildly abrupt surges. My psychiatrist is still trying to figure me out. It is the damnedest thing he has ever seen.

The way you learn communication in these situations is by embarrassing yourself several times and learning to shake it off and learn from it instead of getting resigned.



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30 Dec 2014, 11:06 am

Persimmonpudding wrote:
The way you learn communication in these situations is by embarrassing yourself several times and learning to shake it off and learn from it instead of getting resigned.


That sounds like fun. I think I'd rather stay a loner than put myself through all of that! I don't value socialization enough to put myself through that just to achieve something I don't want anyway!


"Being alone is the best way to be. When I'm by myself its the, best way to be."
Circle Of Friends - Edie Brickell And The New Bohemians


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nomoretears
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30 Dec 2014, 1:08 pm

ImAnAspie wrote:
Persimmonpudding wrote:
The way you learn communication in these situations is by embarrassing yourself several times and learning to shake it off and learn from it instead of getting resigned.


That sounds like fun. I think I'd rather stay a loner than put myself through all of that! I don't value socialization enough to put myself through that just to achieve something I don't want anyway!


"Being alone is the best way to be. When I'm by myself its the, best way to be."
Circle Of Friends - Edie Brickell And The New Bohemians


Im sure many here can relate.

:D



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30 Dec 2014, 11:25 pm

ImAnAspie wrote:
Aspie1 wrote:
THE RUB...

THE HAND PRESS...

THE BODY PRESS...

THE PAT...

THE REST...

You forgot one!

THE CRAP
That's the one where no one really cares about you and all hugs are superficial!

How do you know about all this anyway?

I've experienced all of these hugs first-hand. For quite some time, until age 20 or so, I believed that all hugs were hugs. Of course, all I've been getting were the Pat; occasionally, the Rest; and very rarely, the Hand Press (without the campy dance). I thought they were great, until I tried the better kind of hugs, from women who actually liked me, or at least thought I was totally awesome in a platonic way. Heck, I once got a drunken Body Press hug from three women simultaneously (they were friends hanging out together); now that was a great hug. In retrospect, I kind of knew their actions were just play, with no intentions to take it further, and they knew that I knew. (And therefore, felt comfortable enough to give me an affectionate hug like that.)

I've gotten quite a few superficial hugs,even the Body Press kind, including that one, but enjoyed them anyway. Because hey, a woman feeling good in my presence and not giving me the Pat is pretty damn flattering.



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31 Dec 2014, 8:21 am

Aspie1 wrote:
ImAnAspie wrote:
Aspie1 wrote:
THE RUB...

THE HAND PRESS...

THE BODY PRESS...

THE PAT...

THE REST...

You forgot one!

THE CRAP
That's the one where no one really cares about you and all hugs are superficial!

How do you know about all this anyway?


...Heck, I once got a drunken Body Press hug from three women simultaneously...


Yuk! That sounds horrible!


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01 Jan 2015, 12:26 am


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