This Breaks My Heart a Little

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So, my older son gets a lot of requests for play dates, sleepovers, birthday parties, etc. I would not say he is "cool", but he is a pretty easy going kid who is not competitive and gets along well with many different types of people. I wouldn't say, even, that he gets invited more than other kids- just way more than his brother.

My younger son has struggled to fit in with his peers, but really, really, really wishes he had a group of friends and got invited to things. I try my best to schedule things with other kids for him, but he has a hard time sustaining friendship. There is one kid (my friend's kid), who considers my son his friend- but that kid has started being mean (my husband and I have witnessed it the last few times) to my son. My son doesn't really notice that the kid is being mean, but I do- and I don't want the dynamic to continue. Other than that, he has one friend at school who has become his friend very recently. Anyway, he gets really sad when my older kid gets invited places. He has awareness that he is not accepted, and he has no clue why. I can see him starting to think "there must be something wrong with me". It makes me so sad for him.

I find myself cringing when my older son gets a new invite, because I know how my younger son will react. I have tried telling him that some people have lots of casual friends, and some have one really good friend, etc. He's not buying it.

How do I handle this?

Did you get invited to a lot of things when you were a kid?

Sometimes I find what helps my kids the most is when I tell them about similar experiences I had when I was a kid. For some reason, I have managed to stay "cool" in my kids' eyes (9 and 13, and no, they don't really think I am "cool" and are quite aware that I'm actually a bit weird, but they still look up to me) and I think when I share things that happened to me, they see that everything turned out OK for me. I think it also helps them because they know that I "get it."

Sorry...it would break my heart, too.

I can relate to how you feel it is very hard to watch your younger boys confidence and self-esteem being eroded by how he compares socially with his brother, and not to be able to control what is going on.

If it helps it took me a year of counselling and some very intense reflection to realise ( and this realisation is still only sometimes) that all I could really control was my own interactions and reactions to my child and make them as positive and affirming as possible.

I could not make other children be kind or involve her or not exclude her from invitation. Or make my NT daughter any less socially skilled or popular with her peers.

If it helps at all I get it totally.

One thing that did help was never to make any comparisons (your boy will make enough) and to allow him to express how he is feeling rather than bottle it up, however hard it is to hear.

Can your son be a part of any of his brothers social events? Is a club such as scouts a possibility or learning something as a group , my nephew who also has aspergers does scouts and sailing and whilst it is not a social invitation he does get to be in groups of kids his own age, in scouts under supervision and in sailing doing something which he is ok at which avoids the need for conversation but is still not solitary.

I feel for you someone once said a mother is only as happy as their saddest child, how right they were!

This was the dynamic when I was kid, my older sister had a core group of friends (whom she *still* hangs out with many of them at least once a week), and I didn't. I found that what helped me was organized things, club type things. College was easier.

So I guess what I'm saying is hang in there?

I remember struggling with that hardcore as a teenager. My cousin was Miss Social Butterfly (despite being a user). I hurt, and envied her bitterly. It sucked.

Having Saint Alan there to tell me about having similar experiences himself helped a lot.

Being reminded that different people have different skill sets, and being reminded (or learning to remind myself) of all the things that I did well that she did not (like the fact that I could be trusted, or the fact that I would listen to someone when they were down instead of just being invited to every party during the good times, or the fact that I always did my chores and schoolwork conscientiously) helped a lot.

It did not help as much at the time as it did later. I still hate the way she uses people, but I don't envy her any more. It does not hurt to look at her, and we are really friends now.

It will take time, and it will be painful in the interim. Hang in there.

Thanks everyone

InThisTogether: Yes, I did get invited to things as a kid. I was kind of quirky, but had a solid group of kids that I always hung out with. I became good friends with a girl in high school, though, who had had a really hard time socializing up until the point we became friends (junior year). She told me stories of her mother inviting her whole class to her birthday parties and not one kid showing up. What drew me to her was her intellect and her sense of humor/ unique outlook. She had kind of given up for several years, but began coming out of her shell towards the end of high school and went on to gather some really good friends. Anyway, I can see a lot of her qualities in my son and thought I could tell him about her.

Thanks, AjK. Yes, I think the best idea is to just let my kid know that I think he's great and not get upset along with him. He doesn't see me sad for him, but I do try and "make it better" when he reacts a lot, which is probably reinforcing that feeling that it's not ok to him. He is not a "joiner" and does not really enjoy group activities. But, it may work if I can find him a science themed club or a Pokemon club. Luckily, we live in a large city where it wouldn't be too hard to find something like that.

Thanks CalicoCat and BuyerBeware. I will hang in there . Yes, it is a good idea to remind him of different skill sets and his particular strengths.

I did set up a play date with the boy he has started being friendly with at school for next week. I have suspected that this kid also has a hard time socializing. When I reached out to his mom, she seemed SO thrilled that I had asked. I suspect they have a similar situation going on. She also did not want to just drop him off, which makes me suspect that she is worried that he will have a meltdown or other issues that she wants to also be there to help him with. Because, at their age, play dates are usually drop off.

Maybe she wants to be there to help with social issues (score-- another involved mom of an awkward kid!!).

Maybe she's lonely, and hoping for a "mommy playdate." "Awkward" tends to run in families; lately I have noticed that I am decidedly guilty of trying to glom the parents of my kids' friends God I'm pathetic.

Yes, I think one of these things is going on. She didn't seem that awkward to me, but I'm kind of awkward too , so maybe didn't notice. Although, she invited her younger daughter along too (which is fine) without asking (also fine). I have no issue with this, just observing she didn't follow the "normal" social path. Maybe she is a little awkward? It also seems she's not used to doing playdates for her kid- so, again, it's seems like the kid might also have social issues. I'm glad they found each other.

You're not pathetic at all. Parenting can be isolating, and it is easier to relate to people who have kids. Even more convenient when the kids get along! I have met some good friends through my kids.

Please don't feel awkward parenting particularly when your child is on the spectrum is lonely I yearn for adult discussion in a place where my child ( hardly a child now 15 ) will not be judged what better place than a play date with another parent

So, today is the playdate (after school). It turns out that they are not in district for our public school, and live in a completely different area of the city from us. I think they put him in our school because the services were better than the option there. It's not *too* far, but a little far. Originally, the mom asked if I would take her kid to my place from school, and then she would meet us here after she picked up her daughter in their area. However, she just texted me (very apologetically) that she is really overprotective about letting her kid travel with anyone (I also live about a 1 1/2 miles from the school, but much closer) and is feeling panicked about it. Then asked if it would be ok if we (yes, specified that I come) came to their place instead.

I do not feel this is personal to me. Although I definitely do not give off a "June Cleaver" vibe, I doubt there is anything anyone would find threatening about me. Plus, I am pretty well known at the school because I volunteer there.

So, I'm thinking the mom just has a little more anxiety than the average person. This explains her reluctance to leave her kid at my place unattended as well.

I'm glad she expects me to be there, because my son could easily have a meltdown. I usually only drop him off with people we know really well who know his issues.