I think I'm an alcoholic :(

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Hey all. Been awhile since I've posted anything. Great new slick layout. Anyways, I'm not sure what the point of this entry will be, but I need to get some things off my chest.

First off, I've been stuck in poverty most of my life and what's worse is that it most likely will continue until the day I depart from this earth. How do I know this? Well, despite my last diagnose of social anxiety, I'm 99 percent sure I'm on the autistic spectrum. I suppose after researching all of the traits autists have, most of them seemed to match up with how I was behaving around people when it came to different sounds, smells, or presence of other people. I guess somehow that in my own mind I was in denial for so long, trying to fit in socially with others for so long, that I never wanted to be given the "ret*d" label. It also doesn't help that I'm 36 years of age and if I still act odd around people or strangers, at my stage in life it will continue.

I also had issue with my parents, as being divorced they moved around quite a bit, so trying to fit in socially at school was just never going to happen. I still hold it against my mom that she had a boyfriend who's hillbilly friend molested my brother when I was about eight and it's also not helping the face that I have to rely upon her financially at the moment considering that the temp agencies I used to rely upon to give me work have all changed for the worse since the 2008 crash.

So, frustration with the past and present led to a frustrating auto accident in which I had to pay money to the driver which of course I didn't have. What used to be an every other day occurrence has now grown into me drinking a 200ml of vodka added with a 24 ounce of beer. The effects I'm starting to feel now are the jitters. My anxiety which was manageable before is out of control and I'm getting this weird dull ache in the very top of my brain. I'm basically at the point now where I'm working up the courage to end it all. I don't mind. I mean, I used to find the notion of suicide as something cowardly and wrong. But a couple of things stopped that line of thinking. One is that we're all gonna go some day anyhow. What difference does it make whether it's today, tomorrow, or whenever? The other is just the pain. I tried prayer through the charitable act of Mormon missionaries who have led me to the path of finding salvation through Jesus and our Heavenly Father, and have felt peace. But even one of the Sisters who I truly believe has been touched by God can do little for me, as the devil has touched my soul. Drinking is literally the only thing now taking away the pain of living. The only thing that is stopping me is the fear of the afterlife as going through the act of hanging myself, I have absolutely no problem with that.

Sorry. I know I'm just venting and there is no real advice that anyone can give that would help out...I just don't know. Sorry again for anyone that I've offended, hurt, or caused pain to in the past and today. I'm sorry.

I think you need to talk to your Priest, Pastor, or Rabbi. I think they'll be able to offer you support in terms of prayer and moral guidance. I think they'll also be appropriately connected to know who to contact on your behalf if you ask them to. I don't know if you need a social worker, a doctor, a peer mentor who's been there and done that, or just a group of people who believe in you and will pray for you and help you through this, and maybe even give you a sense of purpose within the Church community. So even though you don't ask for advice, I'm giving it anyway, and I give it with all the love and compassion I have, and I hope you receive it as such. Never give up.

It sounds like you are using alcohol to self-medicate, which is only a short-term solution. Go see a doctor and tell him about your troubles. Depression and anxiety could be treated with other remedies. I have Asperger's, and I'm currently using SSRIs for depression, and diazepam for anxiety. Alcohol will only make your initial problems stronger over time. I know from experience.

First- DON'T KILL YOURSELF! THERE IS HOPE! LOTS OF US HAVE BEEN THERE, AND IT CAN GET BETTER! At the height of the Da Vinci Code rage, a friend of mine once asked a member of the Freemasons what it took to become a Freemason. The old gentleman answered, "What makes you think you're not a mason?". We alcoholics come in all shapes and sizes, have different patterns of use, and vary in the details of our stories, but we all have one thing in common-at a certain point, alcohol takes over our lives. It is thought there is a genetic component (though there may be an epigenetic effect as well), but 99.9% can also point to "dysfunction" in our backgrounds. At any rate, for at least 10% of the population, alcohol can be as physically addictive as any other drug. As another poster pointed out, many of us "self medicated", and as they also said, it DOES make the depression and anxiety worse. What you think is a life preserver is really a bowling ball. But you've got to put something in its place. 1. (and I put this first because you can do it right away) call your local A.A. hotline and get to a meeting. If you don't like it-go to another meeting. They'll teach you how to live without alcohol-something that religion by itself can't. It's also a good place to learn something about social skills, and it's full of non-neuro-typicals of all sorts. 2. Get professional help-it is there, and it's a lot cheaper than any funeral plan (and you might well need REAL medication as well) . My life was no better than yours when I walked into my first meeting, but twenty-six years later, I'm amazed at the miracles that have taken place-don't give up before YOUR miracle!

If you have the insight to realise you are an alcoholic, you have the start of recovery. AA. It works, people do recover. There is no pain they haven't heard about before, and the experts on addiction are former addicts. Don't add prescription drugs to the mix at this stage - you are too vulnerable for that, get some sobriety, clarity and support from AA first. You can recover from this. You can and you will. Just go, just do it, please. You need to connect. There are some terrific people out there who can guide and support you, you don't need to suffer through this alone. Make the connection. All the best and God bless you.