My ex assaulted my boyfriend...in my home!

Post Reply New Topic

Oh dear! I'm back. Just some background first. I've been seeing a man who I love dearly on and off since last April. I strongly suspect he had AS (undiagnosed) , and he has never said anything to the contrary when I've brought it up.

We split for over a month last year, because my ex came in through an unlocked door and confronted him in the middle of the night. Well, we reunited and were getting closer. He asked me to 'protect him from people', to which he meant when he says the wrong thing socially. He also fully committed to me the night the assault occurred...:/

We were in my bed talking, and my ex came in at 1:30Am. (I stupidly forget to check the front door lock). They ended up in a wrestling scuffle, and my boyfriend was hurt pretty badly. There was blood everywhere, and his eye was swollen shut.

I cleaned him up, and he left (I told him to stay). I called the police, and so did he. Medics cleared him, and took him home. It quickly became one of the worst days of my life! Fast forward, my ex is being charged with two misdemeanors, home invasion and assault. My boyfriend wants nothing to do with the legal proceedings.

The night it happened he said I lost him, but kept steady contact with me since. On New Year's Day, I saw him for the first time since the incident and he was almost healed. I asked him if we're done, and he said 'of course not' while looking away from me. Well, I'm getting a PPO, so my ex will not come into my house again. The legal aspects are still pending. I suggested to my boyfriend that we get away, go stay in a nice hotel or something. After that he shut down...nothing in 4 days. I know it was probably too soon..... I know this is awful for anyone to deal with, and frankly I'm surprised he's still talking to me. I've told him several time, just tell me if you want me to leave you alone. I know he's conflicted. I'm just curious. Do you think this is something we can get past? Or should I just wish him well and deal with my loss?

Yes you can get passed this

thats an awful sinario I feel for the guy.

From a mans perspecive this would be hard to take AS or no man feel we need to protect the women in their lives and girlfriends/wifes go at the top of the list. He wasn't able protect you in your home, and you were right there to see. I can tell you with no fear of being wrong that the physical pain didn't even register, I could scarcely a more emasculating event. When he looked away from you, he was looking away in shame, he is ashamed of himself for not being able to stand up for you. It's not something women "get", his pride is wounded first and formost .

DO NOT TALK TO HIM ABOUT THIS I mean it, to say anything about shame or masculinity positive or negitive would only be salt in the wound, the wurst thing you could do.

That said the second wurst thing you could do is dump him(wise him well in your words) he would just see that as justification of negitive feelings.
Stop saying this "just tell me if you want me to leave you alone" every time he gets one is like a punch in stumich, because he likely feels he deserves to be left.

If you have the patience and truely want him in your life, tell him something like"You can take all time need, but I want you to know I miss you". if you let him know in such a way that you still want him, all the time he needs, may only amount to a few hours

Good luck,

Well, if I were in your boyfriends shoes I'd consider a violently jealous ex a bit of a deal breaker (understatement there). Plenty of girls out there who don't have one of these.

Nobody wants to be victimised in their own relationship by a third party. Most aspies get bullied and abused a lot through their life and become less tolerant and more disgusted by it as they leave school and enter adulthood. He probably partly blames you for it for not warning him of the personal safety risk your ex BF posed before you started dating.

Sorry, using my phone and doing quotes on here is not easy. @asperick, I have said to him I'll give him time. I've also made it clear how much I value him as a person, and how sorry and hurt I am that it happened to him.

@blue_bean, I could not warn him of this beforehand, since I had NO IDEA my ex would behave this way. My ex wasn't even a problem for the first 5 months of our relationship. This issue is my ex and I were together over 10 years and have a child in common. I allowed him to come over and see our kid when he had no place to take her. Also, he would help me with my house. This obviously created blurred boundaries....

lol your action stories again

The missing addendum must be "...again" or "...several weeks ago", I can't make out which. Unless it was intentionally made to be a stab at stuffing the thread column. If I were the victim myself I'd be wont to entertain the high probability of complicity.

Update: It's been about two months since the incident. My boyfriend and I have been in almost daily contact since. He had opened up to me more, sharing his daily experiences...etc.

My ex is almost entirely out of the picture. Legal stuff is pending, and he is court-ordered to not contact me or come onto my property (the exception is contact about visitation of our daughter, by text only). He has not been around at all in two months.

My boyfriend, I'll call him Bleujay, still wants me in his life. The problem is he doesn't respond to my requests to see him in person. We have seen eachother a few times since the assault, and haven't spent any real quality time together. It hurts me so much, because I just want to be around him. He knows how much I love him.

I just don't know if he can get past associating me with danger. On a few occasions while drinking, he has expressed his anger and confliction toward me. He always apologizes the next day. He has trouble discussing things, and won't talk on the phone. When I asked if he still wants me in his life, he replied "I just don't know dear, your love is so warming."

I communicate with him clearly. He knows exactly where I stand. I even told him I would marry him! He reads what I send...says he "picks at it, like a cold dinner plate, that's the best I can do.."

Sadly, I know that the only way I can get over him is to sever all communication. I'm on the fence with this, but he is just so unclear with me. Any advice?

Something's very weird going on in this thread.

[quote="The_Face_of_Boo"]Something's very weird going on in this thread.[/]

I noticed you commented before. Care to elaborate?