What a big setback

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Hi,
I am really after some insight. If it were not for a disability holiday program my daughter is in, she would spend a great deal at home alone in her room on the christmas school break. She will be 18 in May.

My daughter is extremely anxious and will not talk to many people at all except her dad and me, a little to her brother, but even this is not spontaneous. She is most fearful in public situations with people.

Today is the first day of the school holiday program. She is mixed with people of varying disabilities and she is lucky to only have aspergers. I never thought I would feel this way, but the people I have seen at the program can be severe compared to aspergers.

I had started to ask a carer if my daughter was going to stop the program come May cause she will be considered an adult and no longer a teen, this little girl in the foreground was making a lot of noise and before I know my daugher is bought to her knees by this little girl who needed 3 other people to help let go of her hair.

I could see as they were trying to end this my daughter is in a horrible panic attack. I take her outside, give her a hug and sympathise with her and talk to her and try to get her tell me what she wants to do. This part is so difficult, getting her to tell me what she thinks or feels.

I cant discuss this with my husband because he will want her out of it asap and unpleasant discussions will follow that are unreasonable.

Life is like that little girl pulling my daughters hair. This stuff occurs in life, and taking her out is not ideal, especially when my child will just retreat with her ( I dont knows) her go to comment. I feel this a very big set back for my daughter.

But she will think irrationally about this, and there will be one of the reasons she is anxious; Someone is going to make something unpleasant that she will experience, hence the reasons for her anxiety. My daughter is afraid of interactions that are normal let alone this situation.

I had put this in her details and feel annoyed that this should occur. My daughter was fearful of my aunt with severe down syndrome, she would pull everyones hair, my child was aware this may occur, but thankfully it did not, but to know it was enough for her to develop fear of her.

This happened to the wrong person. It should be no one this happens to, but she is so not adaptable to cope with this.
I'm at odds with this, and dont have a clear path. should she be offered a NT holiday program where no one will understand her at all. She doesn't do anything with anyone otherwise her age and she did really enjoy activities and being around other people that understood her. Today they are at the pictures.
I felt like going down with her in agony of this, but I can't, I'm her mum and need to build her up with this. We have been through 3 years of counselling on and off with a psychologist working through cbt, but I realise her anxiety is too great to do this alone.

Any insight, please. I would be in great appreciation and very thankful

What is your goal for this experience? Has she expressed any interest in it at any point?

Here is why I ask, and please do not take offense as I may not be wording things in the best way, b/c sometimes I don't, despite trying.

If your objective is for her to have fun, and that you think this must be more fun then being in her room all holiday break, you may be judging this incorrectly. I am pretty NTish in the sense that I am undiagnosed so far as official/formal diagnosis goes and I come off as idiosyncratic as opposed to obviously AS. This holiday thing she is on sounds like a horrible experience and I would never have wanted to do this. Kids who need personal space are not going to do well with kids who encroach on others personal space regardless of the specific diagnosis or none. Having to deal with hairpullers and the like will make her more adverse to being around people than she already is. At anyrate, that is how I would feel.

If you are trying to acclimate her to social interaction, and that is your goal, what she needs for social practice is scaffolded interaction that feels safe. She is probably better off with mother-hen type NT teens or understanding adults. Life may be messy but most adults are not in situations where random kids/people are going to pull their hair and while it would be nice if it did not freak her out and you could desensitize her, that sounds like a goal that is a long way off and maybe not too central.

I never have anyone pulling my hair except sometimes my own child has. She won't need to learn how to be OK with that unless she wants to have kids or deal with kids in a job, and that does not seem like a career choice I would steer her towards given her aversion.