Whether to have a NT or a Aspie Boyfriend Confused

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Hi all My name is Annette and I'm having trouble with the Dating Game. Personally I

just don't get "The Dating Game" Yes I have had previous relationships but with NT men

which the Relationship was based on Sex and Sex only a Casual Relationship as they

call it. I gathered me being abit Nieve it was a genuine relationship and had no idea

at the time until friends and family told me that this Man was just using me for sex. I

have had Three Relationships like that which have only lasted 4 months and have ended

rather abruptely due to the fact of me finding out that my boyfriend was only using me

and having sex with other women behind my back while I was with him. I did have a

relationship with a gentleman who is NT, for 7 years a few years ago but in those seven years there was no Sex in

the relationship and it was rather weird out of all honesty. Yes he and I used to hug and

kiss and touch each other but there was no intimaticy at all. Yes he would lie on top of

me and kiss me and all but that would be it. Alot of people also said he and I acted like

a married couple as well yes we did do the normal couple things but no Sex.

I am currently single and have not had a boyfriend in over 6 years. I think to myself

will I ever find a man who will except me for who I am and Accept that I have AS?

Should I have a NT boyfriend or a AS boyfriend will the AS boyfriend treat me alot

better than the NT boyfriends I have had and where do I find a AS boyfriend here in

Brisbane Australia? Honestly who would want to keep up with a person like me as a

girlfriend? I made the decision after I was diagnosed three years ago not to have a

relationship ever again due to me not handling the other Relationships at all very well,

had a nervous breakdown when one relationship went sour a few years back. In

someways out of all honesty it can become very lonely and seeing my friends with

boyfriends and girlfriends or married just Depresses me and upsets me dearly all the

time. But I just don't want to come across as Desparate as they say when your not

looking some man out of the blue will come your way. I have been waiting for that

for the last 6 years none have ever come my way. Now just proofreading what I have

said I come across as very Confused and my feelings are everywhere hey I want a

boyfriend yes but I'm not Desparate this dating game is so Wierd and Confusing to

me. I just don't want to make the wrong Decision again and pick a dud like the last

four I have had out of all honesty I'm scared I'm going to find some weird, crazy, freak

who is obsessed with sex and use me and lie to me all the time like the other three

boyfriends I've had and I can't handle that and I don't want that I just don't want to

go through that again. What I would like to know is have any girls here Dated a

Aspergers Syndrome Man and also have Dated a NT Man what was the differences in

how they treated you did they understand you better? Who would you choose a NT man

or a Aspergers Syndrome man as a boyfriend. How did you happen to meet your Aspie

boyfriend or Husband? and where do you find Aspergers Syndrome Men face to face

especially here in brisbane Australia?.

I have had one relationship and am onto my second one now. I first boyfriend had aspie traits. He was concrete too and we had a lot of miss communications and it was frustrating. He had anxiety too and he get real anxious when he want to get something done and he want it done NOW so he keep nagging you about it till you did it. It pissed me off so I always had to threaten him by telling him if he says it one more time I'll scream and he leave me alone and never bring the same topic up again. He wanted sex all the time and I didn't want it much and soemtimes he beg me for sex and one day I said I didn't wanna have sex again till it got cool out because it was too hot outside and I can't tolerate sweaty sticky skin and I hate being hot so bam, he was on his PC all the time and never got off except for when he was getting soemthign to eat, going to the bathroom or bed. He just used me for sex.

In my second relationship we have our ups and downs but I prefer not to discuss it or it make him upset. he does not like me talking about him on here because he is afraid people would think differently of him because he goes to this forum too.

Aspie relationships, er autism spectrum relationships I should say do not work out most of the time. So you're better off with NT men but you need to find the right one who will accept for who you are and accept your problems. Someday I might give up on dating autism spectrum men because it always failed whenever I was in one with one but right now this is my first one. if I met more aspie men and dated them and saw our relationship failed because of our condition, I might decide I prefer NT men.


I don't know how you find aspie men in your area. Only way would be trying to find support groups in your area for people who are on the spectrum but I wouldn't know how to do that either. Only way of meeting them is online.

I met mine through a dating site and we met up in my town and I moved here where he lives and we're closer instead of 529 miles apart. But for being closer to each other, we found out we wouldn't be compatiable together for the rest of our lives but we can still be friends. We are both on the complete opposite on the spectrum. He is AS and I am probably PDD or HFA but I have the Asperger diagnoses.

Well, of course it's better to be with an aspie. I think that my wife was, and we both couldn't understand how we were so lucky to find someone so right.

I don't think all Aspies or all NTs should be lumped together. As far as AS/AS relationships working out, I feel it's one of those things that is determined on a case-by-case basis, because not everyone with AS has it to the same extent. I am borderline AS/NT.

I was in an AS/AS relationship for 3 1/2 years. It was my second relationship (my first girlfriend was an NT). It was a very good one. The only negative issue I had in the relationship involved ways of showing affection. I am a very touchy-feely person, and she was not. That made the relationship difficult. Also, the relationship was long-distance--I live in Texas, and she lived in Minnesota. She and I broke up because we had different priorities (she had family issues, and I am trying to finish college), but she and I remain very good friends.

As far as another AS/AS relationship, I would definitely consider another, even a long-distance one.

Tim

Dallas,

I think it depends on you and your needs. You need to figure out what you want in a relationship. What compliments you. I don't think NT or AS automatically solves or creates problems. I think problems are solved by finding the right fit and problems are created by a bad fit.

I was with you. I didn't get dating at all. I thought it was stupid and wasteful. I either knew in five minutes that I wanted them or I got up and left. I didn't even understand why people stuck around for the entire date if it was going nowhere and most people kept on dating these bad fits so they wouldn't be alone. That was completely nonsensical to me. I also did things like schedule my dates like appointments. So I might go with date 1 to dinner at 6 and be back at 8 for date 2 to go to the movies. I didn't even know why date 1 or 2 would get upset about that. I was probably close to the worst dater on the planet and had some real ugly enounters with men as a result.

My boyfriends, who survived the date disasters, who were all NTs and so simliar you could have lined them up and they all would have acted and looked the same, were chosen for me by first my friends and then my old boyfriends. That actually worked well for me because those people knew me. The boyfriends who survived a first date with me always remained friends with me (I suppose because they had enough in common with me that I stayed around). Those boyfriends actually did know me very well and were quite good at choosing men I would get along with and bond with.

I was probably lucky. I was very sexual and very opinionated. It was probably luck that I didn't attract users and losers. Or, maybe those were the ones I abruptly left on the first dates. Who is to say. I tended to attract men who wanted to control my environment to lower the sensory impact, pursue all my quirky intellectual pursuits (and ones of their own), helped me navigate that strange NT social world and generally protect me from my own NT blindness. Maybe that was luck or maybe it was that they were picked by people who knew me so they picked well. I'll never be sure. An old boyfriend picked my husband and said he found the perfect man for me. It turned out that he did.

So, ask your friends to help you. They can read many non-verbal signs you can't.

As to Aspies, find a support group in your area or start going to conventions for software or games. You'll either find an Aspie or a man with Aspie traits. Just make sure when you find an Aspie that he does not use you for sex. That isn't just a NT thing. Also, an Aspie man might completely misread what you need so state it clearly. And make sure you have enough shared interests that it will last.

My preference for other Aspies is because I feel that Aspies are more likely to have the same interests as me.

Tim

Above all, it depends on the person...Men are different, and have different needs and desires. Although I have found that with aspie men I have known...being my friends, and my current boyfriend...I understand them a lot more, and they understand me.

Also, the man you had a long term relationship with...it sounds like you didn't talk about it, but could it be possible that he objected to having sex before marriage? In the future, if you are in a relationship with someone...especially long term, these are such things a couple should communicate about.