Made the mistake of reading the parent's forum

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At this point, I don't think my son "passes" very well to NT children. He seems way more "normal on sight" at home, actually, or in smaller groups. I visited his class recently, for a parent open class thing. He was clearly overwhelmed, was rocking back and forth, and holding his hands up in the air while twisting his fingers. The kids were working on a project together. He kept getting frustrated because the girl he was working with was not being accurate enough to his liking, and he would yell and hit himself in the head. Other parents in the class were looking over at me with sympathetic shrugs and smiles (which annoyed me, but better than looks of disgust). A couple of the kids at his table (whose parents were not there), started making fun of him until they realized his mom (me) was there. In smaller groups, he does not rock usually. He always does the finger thing. But, even in smaller groups, he will eventually become very frustrated and start melting down. He is very aware, though, that he is seen as different by other children- but does not know why (and it makes him very sad). I have tried to help him through social situations when he comes to me upset and frustrated about something that happened on the school yard. But, it is mostly me trying to explain social situations that confuse him. I have tried to explain to him that when he screams near other kids, some kids find it too loud and may shy away. But, that has not helped him be able to try not to when he is frustrated. I have not tried to work on the rocking or hand thing at all. I don't think me pointing it out to him would help him in any way (for him, I know it wouldn't), and it would just make him feel more different. So, I am trying to get him into a different school setting. They have some programs here for kids who are on the spectrum- for kids who have what used to be called Aspergers. I think he would just feel more at home there, and his stimming would not be seen as weird by the other kids. I think a lot of my son's meltdowns stem from the anxiety of feeling that he doesn't fit into his world- so my thought is that if he feels more at home, he will have less anxiety. I do find myself in many situations where I feel judged by other parents ( who don't know us), and my son gets looks by adults as well. So many people suck. But, in general, I am lucky for where we live. I have met a few adults on the spectrum in my area who have very fulfilling lives and have found communities that accept them the way they are. Although I am guessing that my son will eventually be more self aware of what sets him apart, and that he will have to feel that he needs to "blend" and find it goes against his nature, I think he has a good chance to be himself here over some other places.

One of my favorite things about my son is that he expresses excitement with so much more pure, unaffected, enthusiasm than other kids. He jumps up and down, shakes his hands and squeals. I hope he never feels he has to tone this down.

I used to jump up and down and squeal, too.

My parents hated that!

I wish I could determine whether my mother's attempts at making me "normal" were harmful to me, or actually helped me adjust to the Outer World.

My mother's attempts, at times, were pretty rough. I wonder if a "gentler" approach might have worked.

I was nonverbal until the age of 5 1/2. I exhibited many autistic behaviors in public--like knocking things off shelves, screaming when I came inside any store/restaurant/anything not my building.

Somehow, at age 5 1/2, I seemingly "came out" of my autism, and became a pretty classic "Aspie."

I respectfully (and adamantly) disagree. It's the parent’s responsibility to prepare the child for coming adulthood. This involves guiding them and sometimes forcing them to do things they otherwise would not want to do. Unless of course the parent wants the child to be dependent upon them for the rest of their lives. Which, of course, isn't practical as the child will more than likely outlive both parents.

As such, it has nothing to do with what the child wants. It's what the parents believe is best for the child. This is the case, always. If the parent does not do what's best for the child in preparing the child for coming adulthood, the parent - in my opinion - is failing.

One big caveat. As kraftiekortie indicated - "It's difficult: but you could enable independence without changing the "essence" of a person with ASD". This means, to me, it's the parent's responsibility to understand the essence of that child. And guide them into situations that they can be successful. So, they can ultimately achieve this independence. The child may not be able to do x and y and z. It’s the parents responsibility to help the child identify something they can be successful in. Whatever that may be.

I realize that what I write may not apply to all children in all cases. There are always exceptions. Parenting is hard. It’s a big responsibility. But once you become a parent, you are responsible for doing whatever you can to helping transform that child into a functioning adult.

Your mother's attempts, I'm guessing, probably did a little of both.

I am just taking my son's cues, for the most part (at least I try to). Someone else's kid may have different cues. I just know that he specifically would not benefit at all from anyone pointing out that other kids found his stims or quirks off putting. It would just make him feel worse, which would increase his anxiety, which would make the stims and quirks more pronounced. It would be entirely different if he asked me: "Can you point out to me what it is I am doing that make people look at me funny or tease me? I would like to blend better." (Maybe he will ask sometime, I don't know). Or, if I felt that this is what he desired, or that it would help him in any way. My husband and I are not bothered by his stimming in public at all. I honestly don't care how others view him. It does make me feel bad when other parents give us judgemental looks sometimes, but it's good information- because then I know I want nothing to do with them.

He has my older son, who does very well socially, and also loves his brother. My older son will point things out to my younger son (when they are playing with a group of kids and the other kids are getting annoyed with him) sometimes like: "Hey, just letting you know.. if you spend the whole time describing how your character looks to everyone, we don't get to play the game as much. We don't have to know every detail." This coming on a peer level from a kid who doesn't judge him, I think, is what is helping him the most to navigate social situations.

I do really try to help him with the meltdowns, though. That is something I feel we can work on that will benefit all involved. But, I am not getting too far with it .

Yep...you seem to have an excellent attitude about this.

I think your son will thrive, after experiencing the usual slings and arrows of growing up.

With the help of you and his siblings, of course.

You have an enlightened view of people.

What must one evolve himself to exactly?

It depends on the person---but one must "evolve" from a negative place in life.

Thanks, kraftiekortie!

But you sure teach them to go outside but I know some dogs who have refused to go outside, not because they don't know or because they are old and their brains don't work right anymore or because they have incontinence.

I don't think I am being clear in what I mean. By "passing" I mean, literally, learning to suppress the things that make you obviously atypical. I don't mean teaching people every day life skills. I agree with you that it is a parent's job to ensure that the kid gains whatever skills are possible for them in preparation for adulthood. I don't think there are many parents out there--if any--who would advocate for not guiding, and sometimes forcing, your kid to do things they don't want to do. All parents have to force their kid to do things sometimes. ASD or NT

Examples of what I meant: my son does not share some of his special interests with others because they are not "typical" for an 8th grade boy. Others, he tones down the amount he talks about it, because he is aware that although other kids his age might like it, they probably won't like it as much as he does. In 5th grade we spent a lot of time talking about "things that make me a target" because he knew he was seen as different by his peers, but he didn't understand why. So, I had to very painfully point it all out to him. He actually felt empowered by it, because he finally felt he had some degree of control over how others responded to him. For example, he had no idea that others would find it strange for him to randomly walk up to people, pull asphalt out of his pocket, and talk about asphalt. It is easy enough to leave your asphalt in your pocket to show your family when you get home and to not discuss it with anyone at school.

My daughter rarely flaps in public, but she will still flap and hop at home on occasion. She does not do many of her other stims in public, but she will sometimes do them at home. She has learned how to socially laugh at things other kids her age think are funny that she does not. Both of them "know how" to fake acceptable eye contact and mostly do it around others, but they don't always maintain eye contact at home.

Knowing how to "fake" NT traits and how to hide their neuro-atypical ones helps them "pass." I was wondering how others feel about parents--or me--teaching my kids how to do these things, while not expecting them to do any of it at home. That is what I was trying to suggest.

Ahhh! I get it. In concrete terms, What you're saying is you want your children to have the tools in their tool box but you don't want to force your kids to use the tools in the toolbox or force them to get the toolbox off the shelf. You want them to have the tools available to them though. Is this what you're saying?

They certainly need the tools.

They need to know when to use them.

They need to know when they don't have to use them.

Yes. Now, I think it is important to note that my kids are capable of doing these things without exerting extreme effort. By that, I mean that it takes more effort for them than for a typical kid, but it is not too difficult for them to do it for a defined period of time. I imagine there are some things that some kids may never be able to do and I think it would be unfair to try to "put those things in their toolbox" because the expectation in and of itself may not be reasonable (if that makes sense.)

Another important skill that I have had more success teaching my son than my daughter is the ability to laugh at oneself and just blow it off if someone else laughs at you. My son's literal language interpreter is set on "high" at all times. Sometimes it leads to really funny miscommunications and misinterpretations. He is able to recover from this by pretty much taking it in stride, and I think because he is able to laugh at himself, and sometimes even purposely exaggerates for comic effect, other kids see it as endearing. My daughter has a much harder time laughing at herself and an even harder time if she perceives anyone as having laughed at her. She takes things very seriously. She is getting maybe just a little bit better at this, but I don't think she will ever be able to master it the way her brother has, so I am going to have to figure out some other compensatory strategy for her to use when she makes a "mistake." Right now she either turns mute or starts crying really hard. Those are not things that encourage other kids to spend time with you.

I always point out behaviors/interests/clothing choices that are likely to get DS ridiculed. But I let him choose what to do with that information. Sometimes he chooses to modify, and sometimes not. I think it's important for him to learn how to "pick his battles", so to speak.

My mom was the one always telling me to not do things because she didn't want me to be picked on and have anyone think I am weird. Then when I got to a certain age, she gave up and decided to have it be my problem and if I get teased, my own darn problem. Let me figure it out. I have said before in the past on this forum, tell the kid the consequence and let them decide. I am sure some parents do it with their normal kids too and I am sure it can be hard for the parent to make that decision because no parent would want their kid to be teased and harassed or bullied or be singled out.

Teaching me to suppress atypical behaviors was something that my parents didn't do with me, and I am rather glad for it, because it is ackshuly harder in my opinion to suppress atypical behaviors than learn some typical social behaviors and apply them in functional or casual interactions. That is what I meant by my parents letting me be myself, that they didn't do this suppression thing at all, nor point out when I would get ridiculed, possibly because they themselves don't know this kind of thing well. They did teach me how to do non-social things of adult life, some of it they didn't eggsplicitly teach me, but they just pushed me into doing it myself, and I figured it out myself. They also pushed me into communication from a fairly young age about 10, shortly after I learned speaking fluently, so that helped a lot too. For some people, pushiness is good, because they do respond with more effort and results, I have seen this from some students, that they do much better when pushed simply due to putting in more effort.