My husband pretty much told me he doesn't love me

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Our housemate was being disrespectful to me again. So, I was upset, and my husband asked what was wrong, and I told him I was upset because our housemate keeps disrespecting me in the same way on a regular basis. Whenever I tell the dogs "no" about stuff they aren't supposed to be doing, like clawing the doors or standing on the back of the sofa, our housemate gives me a bunch of attitude about it, saying, "It's just a dog!" or "Dogs do that!" and then if I try to explain that I'm trying to train them not to do it, he just repeats himself as if I'M the one who's being unreasonable by trying to TRAIN a DOG!
After I explained that to him, he told me I was overreacting and shouldn't be upset, and he just completely invalidated my feelings. At that point, I started having a meltdown/anxiety attack, and he then started in on me about that. I told him to leave me alone, but he wouldn't, so the meltdown kept escalating to the point I ended up screaming and hitting myself, things that I've only done a handful of times in my life because usually if people leave me alone it doesn't get that bad, but he just kept yelling at me and making me feel worse about myself for it. Eventually I ended up running out of the house in just my socks to get away, but he followed me.
And then he told me that I have no friends and he wants me to be the person he thinks I used to be when we first met -- you know, when I wasn't cooped up in the house 24/7 in intractable pain with a housemate who routinely disrespects me, along with other serious household problems -- so he can love me again. He told me that I am not the person he fell in love with, which is pretty much another way of saying he doesn't love me.
So, after he invalidated my feelings of being disrespected because I'm just supposed to accept it and not say anything, he went on to validate all of my worst fears. And then he claimed to be my "best friend," at which point I snapped and just felt like dying. I started hitting my head against our truck and he just stood there yelling at me for it, telling me I was damaging the truck, so I opened the door and stuck my head in and was about to close it before he finally stopped me... I just can't believe it got to that point. I was not suicidal before tonight, but now I feel hopeless because my husband doesn't love me, and I've lost all my friends since I've been sick. No one but my mom goes out of their way to be around me, and I'm taking and seeing so much abuse in my home... it's just too much, and I'm scared. Ever since my husband's friends moved in to our house, he's consistently invalidated me any time I've tried to talk to him about the disrespect and abuse that is going on in our home. I'm dependent on my husband because of my illness, which just makes it even harder to do anything about this situation.
My mom thinks we should get couples' counseling, but every time I've asked him over the past several months, he's said no, and he said yes tonight when my mom asked him to do it, but I think he's just saying it so he doesn't look bad to her but won't follow through. I'm not sure the relationship is salvageable at this point, either, because he seems to think I should quickly get over things like our housemate having threatened to hurt or kill me because "he wasn't serious" -- part of the reason I told my husband about the disrespect instead of confronting our housemate is because I'm afraid he'll snap again. My husband seems to value our housemates' friendship more than our marriage. I don't know what I can do, though, since I am dependent on him. I am at my mom's house right now, and I can't really imagine going back to him at this point if he's just going to act like there's nothing wrong in that house and tell me that I'm not even allowed to feel upset when someone disrespects me repeatedly.
I'm afraid to go back because of the way he managed to drive me to the point of becoming suicidal -- I don't want to hear things like that again. I've worked so hard to keep my self esteem through my illness and everything else, and with a few words he shattered it and made it all seem so pointless. How can I go back there?

I am so sorry that you feel trapped in this terrible situation.

I wish I was qualified to help or had the means to help. All I can do is express support and let you know that you have been heard and people care, however remote we may be.

Your post has several passages that I find really worrying. I think you need to get out of that sitaution and not got back.
I don't understand why you have a housemate-why your husbands friends have moved in with you, but there is something very, very wrong there.

These words really worry me:

I think you need to keep a journal--a diary--documenting all of these things with dates and detail because you may need them for legal proceedings.

This all sounds very bad and I would think you should not go back there except with help (for security to get your belongings. I am shocked that your mom is suggesting couples therapy--Have you told her everything you have written here?

I wish there was something I could do. I hope you can get out of that situation and move on to a better life.

I feel very sorry for your situation because I don't think your marriage is salvageable. I think you need to keep staying at your mother's place till your illness is under control, then notify your husband about a formal separation and liquify any financial assets that you have with your husband.

Pay heed to your sense of self preservation, it seems like the situation has worsened since your last post about your husband and his friend.
Stay with your Mom, it's not ideal, but it seems like a safer place to live.

Hey, the dynamics of your situation are very similar to my own when I was newly married to my husband. It is very, very bad for a married couple to have roommates. How much longer will the roommate be there? Or is the arrangement indefinite? Having a roommate there when your husband holds more allegiance to the roommate than to you, his wife, is very, very depressing. I've lived through that. It damaged our marriage for years after the roommates left. The roommate has to go if you can financially afford it.

I don't know what your marriage vows were or what your beliefs are, but when they say each spouse is to cling to the other it means they are to hold you of higher importance and consideration (as long as you aren't being totally unreasonable and you aren't) than anyone else. Also, it sounds like he doesn't understand what "in sickness and in health" really means. That it's not a joke. I hope you guys can get through this. My husband and I have gone through a lot of these kinds of things. It's really painful and there were long periods where I felt like he didn't want me around. I do think couples therapy is good, but it only works if both parties have a vested interest in making things work.

And the roommate has no business making threats against you, serious or figurative. For this reason alone, I'd not want to go back myself. You never know when a stranger who says that is really kidding or not. He is way out of line.

Your husband needs to stand up for you. But unfortunately even NT husbands have to learn how and when to do so and it can take years.

Yeah, I concur. I think this guy is a meanie and is ganging up on you with his friends. I think you should stay with your Mom.

I concur. It's almost as if he's in love with the housemate. Or is under his/her power. Go stay with your mother.

Trucks are trucks no matter how many dents. Humans matter more than trucks. A LOT more. You'd be in the right criticizing him over his ridiculously skewed priorities but I think it would be a healthier decision to stay somewhere calm like your mom's and let the stupidity of such petty material concerns sink in amongst your husband & house mate. Let dumb-asses realize the error of their ways and give yourself as long as you need and then some to relax and understand the circumstances within your own mind. There's no need to extend your considerations beyond yourself. Allow introspection to be your only priority.

I don't think you should go back there. Your husband needs to get his priorities straight before you even consider it. Meaning first off the housemate has to GO. You can not live with that person, and you also can not live with your husband if he is taking the housemate's side in things. I wouldn't even consider going to counseling together unless/until the housemate is GONE first.

The fact that this guy threatened to hurt or kill you is totally unacceptable. It doesn't matter if he was serious or not. People don't say things like that to each other for a joke. He may not intend to actually hurt you, but how do you know? Either way, he is trying to threaten and intimidate you. Your husband should not be defending that, and he should respect your feelings about it.

Your husband should be putting you first above this idiot housemate, no matter how long they have known each other or what kind of friendship they have. If a friend mistreats his spouse, that friendship should be OVER immediately.

Plus the fact that you are already dealing with an illness and feeling dependent on your husband, only makes all of this more stressful and impactful. You need to be in a safe place, for the sake of your health, away from anyone who might threaten you, or disrespect you or invalidate you.

Like QuiversWhiskers said, marriage means "in sickness and in health." You are going through a very stressful time. This is not the time for your husband to be saying, he wishes you could be the way you were before all of this. That's so wrong it just leaves me speechless really. Does he think just by saying that, you are somehow magically going to stop having an illness?

The impact this is having on you is what is most worrying. It sounds like you just can't take any more. I'm so sorry this is happening to you.

Can you stay with your mother? Does she understand what is going on, enough to realize you might need to stay with her indefinitely?



This is such a weird synchronicity for me. Recently I was on the phone with a friend, someone I haven't really talked to much in a long time and have never really known very well to begin with. My cat suddenly began climbing around inside the desk, and came close to knocking over my tv/monitor. I was saying no don't do that, and trying to pull the cat off, and this guy started acting really weird about it. He started talking in this strangely hypnotic tone of voice that really creeped me out, and told me to just let the cat be, let him do what he wants to, what harm is it going to do?

I was just sort of stunned, after all, it's my stuff and my house, not his - he's never even been to my house! lolol - and if I don't want to let my cats get into something, that's my damn right. And who the hell does he think he is anyway? I felt like telling him off right there, but it caught me so off guard I couldn't even find the words, and besides I was focused on getting the cat down.

I wondered if I was overreacting...however that was far from being the only weird thing about that phone call, and that one that followed it was even weirder and pretty much made up my mind to never talk to this person again. Now that I've thought more about it, I have an idea what was probably behind it and it pisses me off even more! ugh! Long story, and I don't mean to hijack your thread. I just wanted to say, I totally understand how it feels to be treated like that.

I think sometimes people have really sly ways of playing mind games...where it's totally natural and expected that you would feel upset or weirded out by what they are doing. But they can twist it around and make it seem like you are just making too much out of things. And people who do things like that, usually don't just play that game one on one...they have a tendency to play people against each other, especially couples.

Your husband should not be allowing someone to come between you like that. He probably has a lot of growing up to do before he understands what it means to be married. I am so sorry this is happening.

Oh my god. so sorry to read your story.

Sounds awful.

Give the f****r a kick in the nuts and move out.

It's hard to leave your spouse but when they're acting like this it's the best solution. If you scroll thru my previous posts here you'll find I was struggling with similar things in my marriage until we finally broke up just after new year -- and so far so good -- never been this happy in my life, all in all!

I wish you all the best. Sincerely.

Oh I'm glad to hear that...I was wondering how you are doing!

Thanks for at least making me feel less alone with this...
I guess I will stay with my mom for a while if she'll let me. Then, hopefully I'll win the upcoming disability hearing so I can have my back pay and pay off loans since I won't be able to afford the payments on my own.
The only thing I can use that will make me feel better and become physically able to work (also helped my mood) isn't legal in my state, and using it would likely lose me all my back pay because of the government's stance on it, so I've been trying to find something that is legal that works. My gov't insurance isn't letting me try one of the best possible medications recommended for my illness, though, so I don't know what to do. I'm strongly considering just moving to a state that allows the stuff that works for me medicinally after the hearing. I'm just pretty worried that I won't be able to find a decent job while using it, and I'm afraid of facing the stigma that comes with it, especially if I would also be recovering from breaking up with my husband at the same time.
I'm also having a hard time with the idea that I'd lose all my inlaws if I lose my husband, and all the plans we made together for our future... and the idea that, if I can't find another more socially acceptable medication that works, I probably wouldn't be allowed to adopt a child like I always dreamed of doing unless society changes a lot by then. Unfortunately, my illness is a lifelong disease that doesn't ever go away and can only be treated, so I would need to take that medication for the rest of my life -- when I stopped using that medication after trying it for a few months last year, the pain came back pretty strong the next day, and it became intractable again within the first week off of it. I will always have that demon waiting for me, even if I find a legal medication, which my body could simply adapt to over time so that it won't work anymore after a year like many of the prescriptions I've tried. It just feels like way too much to deal with all at once.

States that allow your medicine also have a booming job market related to that industry. If you type in "cannabis" at Indeed.com you can find lots of job listings for weed trimmers, bud tenders, bakers and candy makers for edibles, graphic designers for packaging, programmers for dispensary-finder apps, security guards, etc. The stigma is rapidly disappearing and it's a great time to get in on the ground floor of the legalized economy.

The Herb is legal in Oregon and Colorado for recreation, and those places are pretty nice. Lots of jobs in Herb production too, as noted. I dunno where you live now, but maybe it's time to "go west"?

I second the advice others have given about divorce and moving out and such, but I would also like to ask if you have considered seeking counseling? Looking at how you acted in this situation, you had a very serious emotional reaction, and it sounds like you could use some help learning how to handle strong emotions.

I live in Boulder, CO and I'd be much obliged to show you around.