Bpd personality changes or ASD obsessive interests....?

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Please, I have had some real confusion about what is going on, here. I know something about me is not 'normal', but I'm having a hard time pinning down or identifyin what that Is. I'll try to explain this as best I can, and hopefully somebody can help me out:


I frequently have periods of time where I'll be really "into" some certain idea or topic, mostly lately it's had to do with government type stuff and different ideas relating to world banks, Jewish control of our country, etc. I started really reading about it and learned more. Now I pretty much do believe this to be true, but....I just don't care about it atm; whereas for a few weeks before, it was all I cared about and I had conversations about it - talked about it and spent lots of time researching it.... I could say it became an intense central focus for my life - apart from my job which is on the shoals because of neglect and lack of time and attention, and I organized much of my ideas around it and life, started doing new things etc. And it was ALL I could think about. But, I didn't mind .....I was fascinated and kept wanting to learn more as much as I can.

I even went as far as to get back into religion again, Christianity and visit an Orthodox Church, etc. I'm not saying that I'm crazy, but stuff like this has happened before, with my special interests. I've gotten into Buddhism, evolution topics...stuff that no one else seemed to care about, and then it faded. This always kills my self esteem, as I realize the unstable and unproductive frivolous nature of what is my life...and how I'm not applying my energies to my job to get ahead or make money. In the time I was 'fascinated' by these, I literally would stay up researching it and not sleep, and didn't give one rip about my job ...or anything. I'm not saying I'm crazy, but I'm sure I would have likely appeared as "odd" for going on and on about something with such a voracity and intensity. I know that....
I don't want people to think I'm imbalanced. I also am trying to just understand what's going on here. A lot of this stuff seems eerily similar to identity and changes in personality related to a Borderline Personality Disorder. I have frequent changes in temper and can snap at people unintentionally, I'm told. ...I'm pretty intelligent and I've done some self diagnosing, and honestly feel that I don't know what's going on with me - anymore. I definitely don't want to have bpd. I don't want to have ASD. I don't want to have any of these.


What's going on here......? Can anyone help me?


Thanks

What your describing sounds more like obsessive interests.

BPD identity issues are deeper than just changing obsession. They're more about constantly changing ideas of who you are, for example one time you think you've always been a very shy person, and awhile later you believe you've always been outgoing and sociable. Or another example, some BPD individuals end up questioning their sexual orientation, and while most non-BPDs who question sexual orientation will go through labels that gradually converge on the right answer, the BPD person often seems like they're not getting any closer to the answer. Or they might be constantly converting to a new religion or political movement, becoming a fervent believer of each new thing while not acknowledging that just last month they believed something different.

In contrast, I'm more of the 'ASD with changing interests'. I'll be obsessed with, say, the social structure of spotted hyenas, and be thinking and talking about hyenas nonstop, and then a little while later, I'm interested in 8p deletion and the behavioural phenotype associated with it. But through it all, I still know I'm the same person - obsessively curious, caring, talkative, easily overloaded, detail-oriented, etc. The fact that my particular interest changes doesn't really alter my sense of my own personality. (With the exception of my interest in ASD when I was 13-14, of course, because before then I didn't have the vocabulary to articulate a lot of my quirks.)

This helps a little bit. But I fear I'm doing exactly the things you've talked about. I still recognize that it happens- which is more disturbing, yet I still do it. For example, and the truly scary thing is this can happen very fast, within matters of minutes or seconds very often, I'll like somethig. Then I'll decide I like something completely opposite. Like in college I toyed around with the ideas of liberal philosophy, then I decided I didn't like them while I was there, then in got real into conservative views, now I see past them both and lean more heavily on the view of central bankers dictating everything. But tomorrow or today, I may suddenly decide again, because I feel suddenly like it, that this is all crap...and cave to the general pressure to think liberally, or even decide that I agree with it again. It's very confusing. My views will flip flop like that. I know that doesn't make any sense, b that's just how it is.

This also happens with people I know In my life. I have a lot of trouble with my stepdad. I find he's a very difficult man to like and get along with. I'll find myself alternately apologizing and trying to suck up to him somehow, and attacking him via texts to my mom. I generally don't like the guy...and this stays the same, but there is that variance which is, I guess, me trying to navigate a difficult situation and make amends and compromises.

This happens more when I'm very tired or stressed. My friends have noticed I do this too. It usually manifests in me ranting about certain things I'm obsessed on or all I can focus on. Like the social situation in America, the next month it's Americas great because we're all individual. The next I spend 2 months bent on going to Europe because I'm convinced it's better. It's like there is no middle ground, in my brain. Idk.

I also doubt myself tremendously. And I have what's diagnosed as ocd. ...it's gotten to that point. Funny thing, I also have the thing with my sexuality as well. I question it constantly. And feel lately I've gotten more clarity, but it's been a very long time coming. But, I still don't feel I'm any closer to an answer. I've experimented with guys lots. I don't feel I'm gay, but ....I am in a way. An internal way. I like girls and there's a girl I like at my gym I go to. I've been trying to ask her out. But, when I'm outside sometimes I will see a certain type of guy and I'll usually think , wow....he seems so sensitive and ...there's just something about him that hooks me and fascinates me about him. It's an attraction of a kind. I know that. But I don't know what it is. I feel it's more emotional/intimate than sexual. But ....yet I don't feel that I'm gay.
I'm one of the few people I know that's willing to take the un embraced viewpoint that sexuality is a far, far complicated and intricate thing....that we can never pin "down", and we don't fit nearly into a box.


Ugh..

This is vaguely similar to what I'm going through. Do you choose these interests and pursue them because you want to, or do they just kind of take over?

Perhaps neither, but a kind of escapism pursuing interesting topics while defocusing from uninteresting job.

They just kind of take over/ and while I'm doing that...even though it's really stressful and fills me with these negative emotions of fear/anger/anticipation that are really hard on my body and on me....there is some perverse need to keep going and find out as much knowledge on the topic as possible, to find out more information and become as smart as I can - that part feels good, and it's the thing that drives me, is that seeking of info on what I'm "interested" in. It wears me completely out....emotionally and physically, I am exhausted.


If that makes sense.

I am really lazy in my job, and I'm not motivated. I'm also really avoidant, by nature. I think have the hardest job in the world. I'm an insurance agent; which means I have to deal with people constantly. I have to sell. I have to work in a crowded, stressful fast paced environment. I have to work based off of pure commission, so if I suck or have bad weeks, then it's on me. ...Very stressful. I was not a cut out salesman. I would say I just about loathe this job. ...most all of my appointments cancel on me, and I'm not very good at, nor have the energy or impetus to haggle constantly to try to get it back, which is what is expected to be successful I'm told. I feel depressed and demoralized every time I go into work anymore because of my performance. I'm also not good at nor do I like the sleazy, sinking tactics and subversion that goes along with this job; which everyone at work swears "doesn't exist" out of some perverse self-denial that I guess we are all expected to employ, and not question. Any time you bring attention to it - as an honest human being, you get attacked or vilified because of "not drinking the company kool-aid" or something like that. I don't know, I've never been good with people. It's weird, I say I have good social skills. I've always thought I've had good social skills - but I have monumental problems with people. This is one of the most disastrous and difficult parts of my life. I don't know why, because I'm always trying to do the best I can; I try to be polite. But I will not sacrifice my sanity or a firm grip on reality to 'bend over to others' will' which it seems so many other people do. I get the sense people don't like me because, maybe they feel I am too serious, and I call things like I see it. I just don't "act" around like other's seem to - and others seem to notice and resent me for this. I just don't see the point, it's not that I'm trying to be rude. I'm just trying to be honest. But no one seems to appreciate this - and it only causes difficulties, I've noticed - except in the case of a close/loving relationship, which I've not had the priveledge and opportunity to have, unfortunately. I really have regrets about it, too.

People also say I get mad alot, or appear upset or irritated must/most of the time. I hate this, because that's not of course - how I want to be seen in this world, or remembered. But I can't escape it. I can't help but say this - and I wouldn't say it any place else but this; because I know I won't be picked on or invalidated: I can't help but feel that I just have more "sense" than most others do. I'm more down to earth. I can't explain it. Is it that I'm more intelligent - I don't know? I always feel like I'm holding back something. ....always. I have always felt that way. Because I have learned that I have to; if I act like my true self I will be "attention seeking" ....inappropriate, impulsive, distracting, hyper, whatever.

I'd say I have good social skills up front. Like as in I was taught formally from a very young age manners, social etiquette, courtesy, proper speaking and formalities, etc. I realize now many people are not. I don't know if I have any traits of Aspergers or if I am on the "spectrum"...I've never been tested. Sometimes I'm convinced that is true, that's why I'm here. I also enjoy talking to people here because you can get an honest, straightforward, decent answer. I generally enjoy the people here.

Escapism: I am guilty of this. I procrastinate as well. I am just so tired and demoralized so much of the time, I'd rather come home and sleep, or go to the gym, rather than...put in calls for work when I get home. This job just feels to me - so exhausting. Such little payback for so much work. I"m told I'm not good "on the phones".....big surprise. Its hard for me to set appointments. Everything for me feels like it's working up hill. And it is. Then when I say that, people start in on me - for being negative and I feel absolutely misunderstood and kicked even when I'm down. ..

I guess I could be a lot more successful if I applied myself, but I never do that, to be honest. I never have, I've never been good at it. I've always been sort of intellectually smart but lazy, and very depressed..I have a lot of negative thoughts that fill me up. I'm not sure why this is. I just have no motivation to do anything to further or better myself. I used to have a lot more motivation when I was younger, though I was pushed hard by my father, and this has something to do with it I'm sure. I'm just burnt out. ..
And I'm in a bad position now because I have to find a new job. I'm 28 and just took the state licensing exam and failed - for lack of effort and basically zero studying. I just put it off until the day of. I feel monumentally, seriously depressed and my self esteem takes so many hits it's not even funny.


Anyways, how can I get this Aspergers s**t sorted out?? There are no testing centers here as far as I know.
What do you all think of my post/ and what's a good job for someone who thinks they might be on "the spectrum" ...with the kinds of problems I've detailed?
Thanks