i want to kill myself tonight

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I was an hour and a half late to work today. I don't know why I'm not already fired, but this is how it always goes. Eventually the boss gets sick of it and gives me a warning, and then I have to just look for a new job because I know from experience I simply can't get to anything on time, ever. Eventually I will get fired.

I'm just burnt out. I don't have energy or motivation for living anymore. Last night and the night before I was about ready to overdose myself on prescription pain pills and benadryl. Tonight will be the same.

My boss was asking me what my problem is. I don't really know what to tell him. I know the problem. I hate living. I've just been dragging myself along for the last couple years because I didn't really have much of a choice. But now I do. So why should I care about getting to work on time if I'm just going to kill myself?

I didn't tell him that though. I just told him maybe I need a louder alarm.

Sounds like you have depression. See a doctor.

If you live in a country where workers had rights then you'll be fine.

Remember, killing yourself might sort out the punctuality issue, but it creates all kinds of new issues. If there's anything else you'd quite like to be doing, like stuffing your face full of junk or watching Community, I would recommend not killing yourself. Might be worth calling the Samaritans, or speaking to someone you love.

Dont do it... I've been there and I know sometimes life sucks... I was totally depressed when I was your age, I did therapy and took antipressants, and they do help just take a little while to " kick in", but once you got your energy back you have no idea how life can change... I was 19, no friends, never had a boyfriend, alone in a different city sharing a house with some stupid girls that would bully me all they long, and then now I moved to different country, got married and never been happier, take care of your depression and know that it gets better, things that seem so hard now will get easier...don't give up...

Are you depressed because you can't get to work on time, or for other reasons?

If it is because of the former, that is easy to fix with a new alarm (at a distance from where you sleep), and some scheduling of your sleep patterns.

BTW, Celexa is one of the most mild SSRIs. It usually doesn't work within the first 2-3 weeks if at all.

You can't decide to kill yourself over one mistake. You just need to manage your time better, and try to go to bed earlier after you get your work done.

Maybe if you're burnt out you should (if possible, financially speaking) leave your job or find any way to have more time to rest and do whatever you like for a certain period of time (and trying not to think about your future until you get better).

If you stay in your situation you will probably not get any better and it's not a good way to find back good reasons to stay alive.

Do you have any family or friends that can understand the fact that you need to rest for some time and thus help you financially until you get better? Unless you have yourself enough money to do nothing for a certain time (but then I guess you would have left your job some time ago)...

If not, don't you know anything you've always wanted to do? Anywhere you've always wanted to go? Anyone you've always wanted to see? Something like the ultimate back-up plan, the last chance you give to life, before trying to go away.

Dear L. Holmes,

Please dont do it. Even if your life seems very little to you at the moment, you are wrong: Life is precious, just as it is.

Quite a lot of people have the same problems you have. The difficult thing for the moment is to get a proper treatment. Posting here on wrongplanet was a good first step. I would also recommend a helpline, seeing a doctor (or if the first one is not very helpful more than one), trying to get into a burnout clinic for some weeks. Once you have glided into a depression, some chemical processes start and make you feel even more down, but these processes can be reversed relatively easily. Relaxing a lot, talking to others with similar problems, doing some therapies like art, music, animals, going into the sun, doing some soft exercises, that helps at least to get you out of the severe depression, and it hopefully gets you on the right track soon.

Where are you from? What health care do you have? Which therapies have you tried so far?
I hope some people here can then try to find some doctor or helpline, or recommend a clinic.

Evam

To AspieUtah and Uncanny Danny: Getting to work too late is just a symptom and not the thing itself.

Just had to smile when I read your quote:
"It has long been an axiom of mine that the little things are infinitely the most important."

- Sherlock Holmes

That is a very true sentence for life in general.

Evam

Dear L. Holmes,

If you still live at Twin Falls:

1. Hotlines in Idaho: http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/idaho-s ... lines.html.
The one for Twin Falls is : (208) 734-4000
Ask them for how to get into a clinic, advise with finances and with supportgroups.

2. Here is a list of therapists in Twin Falls: https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/ ... lls&spec=2
The first 3 in the list look quite O.K.
Therapists specializing in Asperger are:
https://therapists.psychologytoday.com/ ... s&spec=251

Ask them also for advise on how to get as much treatment as possible in the next days.
You could also have a look on http://eirmc.com/hl/?/14199/How-to-choose-a-therapist-or-counselor

3. The only clinic in Twin Falls is specializing in addiction. I would look for a clinic with a different profile. But in case of an emergency...

Evam

I've always had the same problem with punctuality, as the old saying goes, I will be late to my own funeral. I think its tied in with Executive Function problems, but its not worth ending your life over. You might consider seeking a career in a field that allows for more flexibility, where you don't have to punch a clock and can come and go and work more on your own schedule, or maybe even telecommute and work mostly from home. Such jobs do exist.

I think it's time to call your grandparents on some pretext. I think you need people around you.

If you don't want to, is there anyone else you could call? You need "people contact"--NOW.

You need the "real world."

Have you spoken to that person on WP whom you know?

I, myself, don't want you to go this way. You have so much potential.

Dammit! If you go, I'll lose someone who's sort of like my younger brother in a way.

You definitely have value.

Advice columnist Ann Landers once recommended to somebody who couldn't wake up on time, to take an old fashioned bell-ringer alarm clock and put it in a metal pail. The sound it makes is incredibly loud, according to her. I was thinking of a clock like this one:

https://www.lehmans.com/p-2771-brass-tw ... clock.aspx

You can buy small metal pails at farm supply stores, either Big R or Tractor Supply. Part of your problem may be that adolescents and young adults go through a biological phase where they sleep late and go to bed in the middle of the night. You might work swing shift. Also, it seems your family has a history of clinical depression, since your sister tried to kill herself a couple months ago. You might try that clock in a pail idea.

So nobody is worried, I didn't go through with it last night. I'm fine (relatively, anyway). I don't actually feel much better though, I still feel pretty much the same.

Good!