If you're 27 and never had a girlfriend, is it too late?

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WantToHaveALife
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22 Feb 2024, 5:58 pm

funeralxempire wrote:

WantToHaveALife wrote:

TwilightPrincess wrote:

The problem is that you appear to have a distorted perception of reality.

Even if you didn’t, we can’t change the world, but we can change our attitude. You really need to work on yiur anger if you want to have a successful relationship in the future.

because even if i do manage to get into a better relationship, i will always be angry and bitter, resentful, that i didn't have one in my younger years, i really hate and resent people who got to have relationships in their teens or by their early to mid 20s at least, makes me wish i never read that article about that guy from the UK.

With that in mind, it would be wise for potential partners to keep a wide berth from you and your unresolved issues.

If you can't get over that you're not going to be in a good mental state to ever get involved with someone else.
Why should they have to be your never-good-enough consolation prize at best?

If the hypothetical relationship you can get isn't good enough, that's a good sign you're not emotionally mature enough to participate in it, even if it's available as an option.

It sounds like you'll complain about your success tomorrow because it didn't happen yesterday and therefore isn't good enough.

women will stay away from a guy like that, but men will overlook those negative traits in women more likely.

TwilightPrincess
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22 Feb 2024, 5:59 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:

CockneyRebel wrote:

It's never too late to fall in love. Here's an article about two older people who found love for the first time.

https://vancouversun.com/news/local-new ... ntines-day

i assume they had relationships in their 20s or earlier

Some people don’t have relationships when they are young for whatever reason. Others only have abusive relationships when they are young. There are lots of possibilities.

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WantToHaveALife
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22 Feb 2024, 6:02 pm

yeah, one of my middle school friends, never had a girlfriend until 34, if he doesn't feel like i do, well more power to him, but i also feel resentful for him not because of jealousy, but because the odds are he would not have been single that if he had been born a woman.

funeralxempire
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22 Feb 2024, 6:03 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:

funeralxempire wrote:

WantToHaveALife wrote:

TwilightPrincess wrote:

women will stay away from a guy like that, but men will overlook those negative traits in women more likely.

If they do they're idiots.

There are desperate people out there who will overlook all sorts of toxic character traits, but that doesn't mean it's healthy for them to do so or that those traits aren't a problem.

Besides, think of how messed up someone would need to be in order to tolerate that sort of person as their partner. That's not a good basis for a relationship; two people who are only together because they don't believe they could do better, while also resenting that their partner isn't good enough, merely what they settled for out of desperation.

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TwilightPrincess
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22 Feb 2024, 6:04 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:

You have no clue what it’s like to be a woman since you aren’t one.

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Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 22 Feb 2024, 6:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

WantToHaveALife
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22 Feb 2024, 6:05 pm

CockneyRebel wrote:

It's never too late to fall in love. Here's an article about two older people who found love for the first time.

https://vancouversun.com/news/local-new ... ntines-day

im sure they had them before this guy:https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-43956366

funeralxempire
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22 Feb 2024, 6:23 pm

WantToHaveALife wrote:

CockneyRebel wrote:

It's never too late to fall in love. Here's an article about two older people who found love for the first time.

https://vancouversun.com/news/local-new ... ntines-day

im sure they had them before this guy:https://www.bbc.com/news/stories-43956366

Quote:

I became clinically depressed in my mid-to-late-30s, so I saw my GP and I was prescribed antidepressants, and I also started having counselling.

That's when things changed.

First of all I gained a little bit of confidence in myself through the counselling. Secondly I think the antidepressants might have had an impact - I think they can act as a little bit of an anti-shyness pill.

Plus I'd grown up a bit.

I found myself asking somebody out, and that then turned into a brief relationship.

I remember being anxious and nervous on the first date. But I felt, "This is nice, I like this." So I asked her out again afterwards, she said yes, and things developed from there.

Only a few weeks after that first date, we became physically intimate. You hear those cliches of teenage fumbling - well, I wasn't a teenager, so I found I knew what to do. I also found it was exciting and pleasurable. Some people say the first time isn't good, but it was good.

You might want to imitate that guy's attitude, instead of stewing in resentment over your current situation.

The Grand Inquisitor
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22 Feb 2024, 8:11 pm

Being 27 and in the same situation, I can relate with a lot of your post, excluding the part about resenting women.

I understand the void left behind by a barren love life during youth where hormones are running wild and we're discovering our place in the world.

I, too, fear that this void will persist even if I finally manage to cultivate a relationship, but if I end up in a relationship that I'm happy with, my focus is more likely to be on that present reality than on past grievances. I'd encourage you to view things the same way.

Not appreciating the intersecting realities that it's generally expected that men do the initiating in dating, and that people on the spectrum tend to have social challenges that can make this especially difficult for some, does not mean that women or any other group of people deserve any kind of resentment. The more productive focus is how we as a society can offset disadvantages faced by autistic people as it relates to dating and pairing up.

Personally, I think the societal expectation that men should initiate dating is outdated, and I'd like to see it deposed of. I think there would still be more men asking women out than vice versa in this paradigm, but it being more normalised for either gender to initiate would likely result in a greater chance of men like myself and the OP not ending up alone for so long.

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22 Feb 2024, 8:17 pm

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

Not appreciating the intersecting realities that it's generally expected that men do the initiating in dating, and that people on the spectrum tend to have social challenges that can make this especially difficult for some, does not mean that women or any other group of people deserve any kind of resentment. The more productive focus is how we as a society can offset disadvantages faced by autistic people as it relates to dating and pairing up.

Personally, I think the societal expectation that men should initiate dating is outdated, and I'd like to see it deposed of. I think there would still be more men asking women out than vice versa in this paradigm, but it being more normalised for either gender to initiate would likely result in a greater chance of men like myself and the OP not ending up alone for so long.

Many women, including some on this site, end up alone for a long time too. They are less likely to talk about it openly for various reasons, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.

Women do ask men out. It’s certainly not as uncommon as it used to be.

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Mikurotoro92
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22 Feb 2024, 8:28 pm

27 is not old!! !

I might hate my current situation right now but I have been in romantic relationships in the past so there may still be hope for me to walk down the aisle (marriage)!

My suggestion is to start pulling yourself out of your situation by finding ways to meet people like I did

That is the way to reverse your misfortunes!

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The Grand Inquisitor
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22 Feb 2024, 8:42 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:

Many women, including some on this site, end up alone for a long time too. They are less likely to talk about it openly for various reasons, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t happening.

I acknowledge this. People of any gender can end up lonely for a variety of different reasons, and I believe we should want the best for everybody no matter how they've ended up lonely.

TwilightPrincess wrote:

Women do ask men out. It’s certainly not as uncommon as it used to be.

This is true also, but I think we can go further. I'd like for the societal messaging to be that there are no gender roles that need to be followed with regard to who asks whom out. I'd like to see more depictions of women asking men out in media to normalise it. It's possible that even with these changes, myself and/or the OP would still be alone, but I think the likelihood would be lessened, and I think there are other benefits to men not feeling like they have to do the asking out all the time or get nowhere.

TwilightPrincess
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22 Feb 2024, 8:54 pm

Ultimately, no one is obligated to ask anyone out if they don’t want to. If people want a partner, they need to be proactive about it. That’s just how it is.

No one would want to ask someone out who is habitually angry, resentful, or bitter.

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

People of any gender can end up lonely for a variety of different reasons, and I believe we should want the best for everybody no matter how they've ended up lonely.

Sometimes it’s for the SAME reasons. Anyone who really wants a relationship needs to be proactive about it no matter their gender.

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Last edited by TwilightPrincess on 22 Feb 2024, 9:08 pm, edited 1 time in total.

funeralxempire
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22 Feb 2024, 9:08 pm

Mikurotoro92 wrote:

My suggestion is to start pulling yourself out of your situation by finding ways to meet people like I did

100% this.

Wallowing in it only makes things worse. Getting angry or resentful over it is a trap that only prolongs and multiplies your suffering.

The Grand Inquisitor
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22 Feb 2024, 9:20 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:

Ultimately, no one is obligated to ask anyone out if they don’t want to. If people want a partner, they need to be proactive about it.

Of course. Surely you don't think I'm implying that anybody should be obligated to ask anyone else out.

I'm not saying that all women need to start asking men out or anything like that. Just that I don't think there should be an implicit gendered element about who asks whom out the way there is now.

TwilightPrincess wrote:

No one would want to ask someone out who seems angry, resentful, or bitter.

No, probably not.

TwilightPrincess wrote:

Once again, many women are alone. Loneliness is not limited to the male population. When women talk about being alone on here, their concerns are often dismissed or they are harassed. Anyone who really wants a relationship needs to be proactive about it no matter their gender.

I've already agreed with you on this point.

I acknowledge the phenomenon you're referring to does unfortunately happen on here where women posting about their loneliness sometimes receive dismissive comments on their posts. I stand next to you against it.

TwilightPrincess wrote:

The Grand Inquisitor wrote:

People of any gender can end up lonely for a variety of different reasons, and I believe we should want the best for everybody no matter how they've ended up lonely.

Sometimes it’s for the SAME reasons. Anyone who really wants a relationship needs to be proactive about it no matter their gender.

Everybody's collection of reasons is going to differ to some degree, but there is certainly a lot of overlap, also.

Last edited by The Grand Inquisitor on 22 Feb 2024, 9:35 pm, edited 1 time in total.

TwilightPrincess
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22 Feb 2024, 9:33 pm

Notice that I used the word “sometimes.” Sometimes the primary reasons are the same - shyness, atypical social skills, etc.

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The Grand Inquisitor
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22 Feb 2024, 9:36 pm

TwilightPrincess wrote:

Notice that I used the word “sometimes.” Sometimes the primary reasons are the same - shyness, atypical social skills, etc.

So we agree

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