Need advice on showing empathy, comforting, consoling...

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I need advice on a big problem I'm having in my relationship. It involves showing empathy and comforting or consoling my girlfriend when she is upset, worried or sad about something. I've tried everything I can think of and I never seem to do the right thing and often make matters worse:

- I've tried being encouraging and optimistic and saying things like "it will be okay" - that doesn't go over well at all. She thinks I'm dismissing or belittling her problems.

- I've tried mentioning possible solutions to the problems. That just makes her angry because she says all my solutions are "unrealistic". I don't believe they are or I wouldn't mention them. Perhaps I'm too naive though. But she is extremely pessimistic about everything.

- I've tried showing how I'm sad too when she is sad. This makes it worse because she'll get angry that I'm getting sad and its adding to her problems.

- I've tried acknowledging that I understand what she is feeling. She just says there's no way I can understand.

- I've tried just holding her tight / hugging her and letting her know I love her and I'm here for her. She repeatedly says she feels like I'm not here for her though.

So she feels like she has no one to talk to - and feels like I don't listen. I'm her only friend really and she says I don't know how to be a friend because I don't know how to deal with when she is upset or sad. She thinks that I'm not allowing her to be upset - that I want her to be fake and hide her troubles and act happy all the time. That is not true at all and I don't believe that is healthy at all.

I'm getting to my wits end with this and don't know what to do anymore. It really has endangered our relationship. I always feel like complete crap because I can never seem to do anything right. It is so frustrating because I'm trying so hard all the time to do the right things. I ask her what sorts of things I should do and say to comfort her and she refuses to tell me because she thinks it has no meaning if I just say what she tells me to say.

I love her and I really do feel her pain inside and I want so much to comfort and support her but I don't know how to express it or what actions to take that will show that nonverbally. I wonder if this is a wall I'm up against caused by some of my Aspergian traits. I also wonder if some of her psychological problems make this more difficult too. She is NT as far as I can tell but she definitely has a lot of emotional problems.

If anyone has any ideas or thoughts on this I would really appreciate hearing them.

As for my Aspie traits - I've told her about that and she says I'm just making excuses to behave badly and she thinks I can't self-diagnose myself with that.

typical
hun ive just been dumped and i think part of the problem was that my boyfriend did not understand that i could not help my behaviour whether i was at home with him, out in town in a restaurant etc
it IS NOT bad behaviour unless you are conciously doing it
you need to be with someone that understands you try your hardest and care and that should be enough
it might be good to get a real diagnosis
but im sure you are capable of identifying yourself with a s and that should be enough
good luk i hope it works out better
x

To me it sounds like you're going out of your way to do everything right! Since nothing you've tried seems to comfort her, I would say that she needs to seek counseling for her emotional problems and let a professional help her sort herself out. Or if she's willing, you could try couples counseling to help you both communicate better. While you're at it, you might try getting an official diagnosis yourself, because it may help her accept the fact that your condition is legitimate and that you have your own daily struggles to deal with, just like her. That might help her develop some more empathy for you! Empathy problems are not the exclusive domain of us aspies, plenty of NT folks are pretty self-involved in my opinion!

Man. Okay, I'm an NT gal and I'd kill for my man to be like that You're really making an effort dude, and IMO you're doing all the right things!

Generally speaking, there are two mass ways of approaching an upset person based on gender... (VERY blanket)... for men, it's best to help them think of a solution to the problem, or target it that way...problem needs solving, not wussing over (good way to frustrate men). For women, we don't want to be told how to fix it generally (good way to make her angry), we just want to be reassured depending on the cause of the problem. Mixing it up and getting it backwards can often frustrate the person with the problem. Know the person well first, of course...personality is important.

But really dude, it sounds like you're doing all the right things.

Perhaps when she's not upset you need to sit down with her and explain this...that you love her dearly, you wish you could help her better when she's down...and ask her directly, what you can do for her when she's down that'll help her the most. Because you care.

More than anything you need to know what SHE wants when she's down. She obviously wants someone there (if she says you're never there for her that's her ACTUALLY saying she wants comfort from someone else, moreso than what she's getting) but she hasn't communicated WHAT she expects. You're fighting a battle...but you haven't been told where the battlefield is, what weapons you're expected to use or what you're enemy's using, you can't see your allies and you can't see your enemies :/ A little information from her is what you need, and it may just be "Hey sweetheart, I've been thinking...I know you've been down lately and I feel terrible I don't know how to make you feel better...what can I do to help?" or "Remember that time a few days ago when [such-and-such] happened...I hate that I didn't know how to make you feel better then, and I wish I knew how..." or something to that effect.

I've been in some interesting situations like this myself. An NT girl with an AS boyfriend who seems to flounder with the same issues as you there. He was helping us move into our new office at work, and we'd discovered that my car was broken into the previous night (the car is the love of my life, rivals my love of him as it is my dream car ). Dad had left the gate open. Told him this and he hurled abuse at me and told me to sell the car. Naturally I was in tears of rage after this...office manager told me to duck into the store room and cry it out. So I did...just cried in my boy's arms. He didn't know what to do to make it better so he just held me...and that was all I needed

Other times I've been pissed off by something and I've wanted to rant. This is where things go wrong in our relationship...my baby loves to talk. He's a problem-solver. When there's a problem to solve, he REALLY REALLY loves to talk. So when I just want someone to listen to me rant...he's talking over the top of me trying to solve the problem...all I want to do is b***h and vent it all out! Usually it'll wind up me giving up or slinging a bit of bitchfest at him too if he doesn't catch the 'shut the fark up' cues. So here's another thing you may wanna try...if she wants to rant, just let her rant. And rant and rant and rant. Agree with her, console her. Don't try and solve the problem, just interact with what she's saying. It'll make her feel validated and worthy. It's boring as hell listening to someone bitchfest about something that doesn't involve you, but the rewards further down the track are worthwhile

Thanks everyone for the replies - I really do appreciate it. Here are some individual responses:

Ribbons - Sorry to hear you got dumped for Aspie issues. Yes I am definitely considering getting a real diagnosis, I think it might be helpful especially with people like my girlfriend who are skeptical of self-diagnosis. Thanks for the wish of good luck.

unnamed - You are absolutely right, I believe my girlfriend does need therapy, counseling or some kind of treatment. Unfortunately she is very resistant to going to that kind of thing and doesn't believe it will help her. Its really frustrating. I would be open to couples counseling too but she isn't - she says this is all my problem to work on.

Steve45 - Actually I listen quite a lot with her - what she is saying is that I'm not "hearing" or "understanding" I guess. I am attentively listening sometimes for very long periods - and I often drop whatever I'm doing to listen to what's bothering her. And I have asked her about what she would like me to do and she doesn't tell me - claiming that it would have no meaning if I did just what she told me to do. Anyway I do appreciate your response.

Shale - thank you for the very extensive response. I'm glad to hear the things I'm doing are normally the good things for some people. And it really is helpful to hear something from the NT perspective as you've described. You are right in that I need to just ask her what she wants and needs - unfortunately she has been very cryptic and non-cooperative whenever I ask her those things. She says I'm putting the burden on her by asking that. As for problem-solving that is definitely something I do too much and I'm realizing that more and more. I guess I do that because that's what I would want someone to do for me if I were worried or upset. Your reply was very helpful overall so thanks again.

KBABZ - Ah - yeah definitely there is an issue like you describe. I've never seen someone as resistant to help as she is. Its frustrating because I feel that she is always crying for help in her actions and in her words but doesn't accept it when it is offered. And she is convinced that no one can help her.


Well in the past day or so I feel like I made a little bit of progress in dealing with this although it is hard to tell since she is very complex and hard for me to read. Again I appreciate all the advice from everyone it really has been helpful to get these different thoughts and perspectives.

Wow! Thank you for responding to us individually! Your posts, especially this last one, reveal someone who's apparently quite considerate of others, not to mention dedicated to making this relationship work! That's why it sounds to me like she may really have emotional problems that she needs help with. She sounds like she really may have been mistreated in the past, and that's very sad. However, that being said, it's not ethical for her to project her problems onto you, especially when you're going to such great lengths to support her emotionally. This sounds cold, but I would draw a line and say that if she's unwilling to go for at least couples counseling, you'll have to take a break for awhile. She really should take responsibility for her own emotional health, that's everyone's job!