Tired of being called uncaring--of people being tired of me

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Mistermist
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10 May 2015, 11:53 pm

Hi. I've been reading around here forever and a lot of posts have really helped, but have never posted until now. Decided I need some support. So today, I hit a new low. A person who I was talking to for months/never really dated but both wanted to until my usual problems came into view but who I really care about told me I am "uncaring." God, that stings. I'm sick of reading articles and "trying to educate!" As all of the professionals tell us to do--I've tried this with several exes and nobody wanted to listen or BELIEVE (because I SEEM very functional) or God forbid, read articles. When they get upset with things I say I say I'm sorry and I explain that I didn't know I said something mean, would they please tell me what they would like me to say or do to show caring? Well this one, like everyone before--said "I'm tired of hearing that you didn't know." What am I supposed to do? Clearly, educating doesn't work. Also tired of reading the articles that say well, need to find a partner who will work with you--I can't even make it that far because usually before I have a chance to come out, I've already said something "mean" and they're upset with me and usually--just drop off the face of the earth without an explanation. I am so tired of giving everything in my heart to someone else and having it stomped on when they decide (before the first date? After the fifth? After sex? After I love them? After relationship of a few months?) at any point that they just can't handle me. Oh and the "I'm tired of hearing you didn't know"--so basically I'm supposed to read minds. That falls right in line with the "it should be natural, I shouldn't have to explain everything and I want someone with whom interactions are just natural!" Speech. It's this disbelief. It's very discouraging because it feels like I could never ever be naturally caring and naturally not awkward-I'm tired of adding to the Friend and Boyfriend Graveyards. I'm tired of getting my heart broken. Help.



aspiemike
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11 May 2015, 6:57 am

Doesn't sound like you are dating many people who are mature.

"I'm tired of hearing it." Usually means in a mature relationship that the topic of conversation better not come up again any time soon (Sometimes it means never). They will do what they can to explain things to you when you nee to know something because they want to work at this relationship with you. They understand that relationships aren't easy.
In an immature relationship, it means "What is wrong with you? I don't get you and please go away now." No amount of asking someone to explain something to you will get you an explanation. It is like they expect you to read minds. The expectation is that the relationship will be easy, and if it isn't, go find someone who will cater to their every need and want without question.

You're going to have to deal with heartbreaks. That's just the way it is. Your attitude towards it in the short term, and long term will help your direction.


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rdos
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11 May 2015, 7:25 am

Sorry to be blunt, but if you learn all the ropes of being NT, and even their way of dating, you shouldn't wonder why you end up with NTs that feel you are not meeting their emotional needs. You might eventually be able to fake this too, but don't count on that it will bring you any more happiness if you do.



kalimbo
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11 May 2015, 2:31 pm

I feel so much like you do, so sick and tired of this. I've been single for pretty much 5 years now and during this time I have met a few guys who like me and I like them and it all starts out great then always shifts to me being cold, uncaring, unfeeling. I don't believe I am these things - I just do not know how to express affection conventionally. I don't really like strangers touching me or people I don't know too well, so new bfs always have a hard time, I flinch or get extremely nervous when people cross my imaginary barrier. But strangely, I do enjoy the sensation of touch but I have to be super comfortable with you. Sometimes it hurts cause my ex used to complain all the time about this, putting me down and making me feel like less than a human being as in his words I was cold as ice...And I asked over and over again I want to be better, don't know how, please tell me what to do. His response was always I should know, it should come naturally!
Anyway ranting aside, I am a super positive optimistic person and I believe someday, somewhere I shall meet someone who will "get me" just as I am and will be willing and able to understand me enough to take this bumpy ride. So chin up.



JinNJ
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11 May 2015, 3:37 pm

I don't want to turn this around on you ladies the best I can do is suggest that you educate yourself (find resources on creating emotional connections, bonding romantically, love languages, and etc.) I know it sounds terrible, but most NTs don't want to have to tell their partner about their needs and have to explain explicitly what type of affection they want, especially heterosexual men.

You have to realize that a lot of heterosexual men have gotten accustomed to women that do intuitively know their emotional state and how to respond to them. They have never had to ask for affection (and are most likely receiving a lot of "affection" from platonic female friends and acquaintances that might be in excess to what they receive from you)

NT women are often very affectionate to everyone (hugging, touching, cuddling, cheek kissing, standing VERY close) and even more so to their partner.

If you want to continue a relationship with someone that has expressed that they feel you are often cold and uncaring, perhaps you can go out of your way to find ways to show more warmth and affection and express your level of caring. Maybe look for opportunities to touch them more and be physically closer.

Think of ways to spontaneously let them know you care about them, miss them, want them, love them.

Otherwise, as another person posted, it might be best to find a person that is not as "needy".



Mistermist
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11 May 2015, 5:13 pm

Not affection--it varies, but they tell me after the fact sometimes--like knowing to ask about their day or their family, knowing what tone to use, knowing not to repeat things (and yet somehow getting a point across), knowing when to stop talking, knowing that monologue go is rude, things like that, knowing how to support someone who is sad, knowing that you aren't supposed to request to see someone everyday, etc etc. these are very specific but a new one pops up everyday. That's just the ones I know about.



Mistermist
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11 May 2015, 5:15 pm

I really just wanted to see if others experience the same thing.



Cartier
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12 May 2015, 4:18 pm

Mistermist wrote:
Hi. I've been reading around here forever and a lot of posts have really helped, but have never posted until now. Decided I need some support. So today, I hit a new low. A person who I was talking to for months/never really dated but both wanted to until my usual problems came into view but who I really care about told me I am "uncaring." God, that stings. I'm sick of reading articles and "trying to educate!" As all of the professionals tell us to do--I've tried this with several exes and nobody wanted to listen or BELIEVE (because I SEEM very functional) or God forbid, read articles. When they get upset with things I say I say I'm sorry and I explain that I didn't know I said something mean, would they please tell me what they would like me to say or do to show caring? Well this one, like everyone before--said "I'm tired of hearing that you didn't know." What am I supposed to do? Clearly, educating doesn't work. Also tired of reading the articles that say well, need to find a partner who will work with you--I can't even make it that far because usually before I have a chance to come out, I've already said something "mean" and they're upset with me and usually--just drop off the face of the earth without an explanation. I am so tired of giving everything in my heart to someone else and having it stomped on when they decide (before the first date? After the fifth? After sex? After I love them? After relationship of a few months?) at any point that they just can't handle me. Oh and the "I'm tired of hearing you didn't know"--so basically I'm supposed to read minds. That falls right in line with the "it should be natural, I shouldn't have to explain everything and I want someone with whom interactions are just natural!" Speech. It's this disbelief. It's very discouraging because it feels like I could never ever be naturally caring and naturally not awkward-I'm tired of adding to the Friend and Boyfriend Graveyards. I'm tired of getting my heart broken. Help.


Have you considered not handing your heart over to people (Friends or Boyfriends) you barely know?

Even going on five or six dates with a guy doesn't mean you know much about him, having spent maybe 5 x 2-3 hours in his company in specific settings (restaurant, movie theatre, etc).

Ultimately, it isn't up to your friends / dates to teach you how to behave in a socially appropriate, caring manner. If you've tried books and doing your best over and over with little success, it might be time for professional help. A social skills class. Improv workshop. Therapist who has expecting working with autistic girls.



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12 May 2015, 5:04 pm

Don't ask me for relationshit advice.

Every time I talk to a pretty girl, I look okay but inside my mind it's like HOLY SH!T WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE! thats what it feels like every time I talk to a girl.



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12 May 2015, 7:58 pm

I have trouble with this too. I understand why the other people feel the way they do. I just haven't quite gotten the grasp of it though. All we can do is try to do better



Mistermist
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13 May 2015, 12:20 am

jinJ--I have read so much, you can't even imagine. It's not the first date stuff--it's the everyday stuff. The everyday life stuff, just random talking because we're comfortable and all of a sudden I get a look. It's like I need someone right then and there, like that movie Roxanne. I should say that I also have memory problems due to ADHD so even if I know in theory I am supposed to do something, I have trouble remembering it when the moment comes.
Aspie mike--it's the strangest mentality. What happens is they say "you are so mean and uncaring bc you never ask about me." Right, because I really have a hard time doing that bc it doesn't occur to me and I can't remember to do it, I am trying but i forget, don't take it personally. Then they say the same thing later. Yes, same reason, why can't you just remember that I can't remember? If it were me and someone said hey, I have difficulty with this--I would say oh ok, and then when it came up later instead of getting hurt I would remember, oh yeah they said they had a hard time with that so I won't expect it. Cartier--I guess I would really just like some LENIENCY. You know? Okay so if I interrupt just--be okay with it. If I forget to ask about you just--let it GO. I say I know in my heart that she is trying her best, she isn't uncaring, she just can't remember and has a hard time. I won't let it bother me and won't react. Let things slide. . . I do try sooo hard not to hand over my heart but it is literally impossible. I'm just a really loving and caring person and no matter how many times I tell myself logically not to care about them, it is a physiological reaction.
Kalimbo--we should pm each other when this happens, a little mini vent session. Lol also I can help with the physical aspects and being able to know what to do before you're extremely comfortable. I've studied this and I've found that people usually do things in the exact same order with very little variation in people. So all you have to do is learn the sequence and do it the same for every person until you feel comfortable. On me and I can give the sequence. I am generally sooo positive, but man, I have just been broken up with soooo many times for the exact same reasons. Someone made a helpful comment which was basically--why are you surprised? NTs are not going to get it. And that's true, thank you for that! Because in their world, that IS uncaring--they just can't fathom, you can't hate them because they literally live on another planet.

So, thanks, guys for all of the input!



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13 May 2015, 12:46 am

I think a lot of what you are experiencing from these people in your life is the result of the "curse" of relatively high functioning.

When you are on the spectrum but high functioning enough to "seem normal" to most NTs, most of the time, it doesn't even matter if they know about your autism and you've educated them on how it affects you and the differences they may experience in you -- they still basically can't forgive you for having an autistic moment (or day) when the rest of the time you seem like an NT.

And that's on THEM, not you. That's not your fault. It's one of the cognitive dissonance things we seem to cause a lot of NTs in our lives.

We can try to show them articles and tell them /warn them "Sometimes I get like this/that, so, when I do, just let me know, or help me out a little," etc etc, but still they give us harsh treatment and expect so much more of us when that more autistic moment does arrive.

It takes a mature, caring person (THEY need to be more caring to YOU too!) to understand that you are not quite like every NT woman they've dated before, and thus they are in for a different set of behaviors. If they don't like it or can't understand that then they need to sling their hook and fck off and find that perfect NT who does everything right --- which they probably won't even find anyway, as even NTs constantly whine at each other "You don't do this enough, you don't say that enough."

Relationships suck no matter who is in them, basically. But these guys are definitely not giving you ANY understanding that you have different WIRING and could they just help you out by not getting their panties in a bunch anytime you forget to ask how their day was.

You seem like a nice, decent caring person just for the very fact that you are concerned about this and have posted here asking for help. It's these guys who aren't being caring enough to YOU to take time to understand that you're not omitting these niceties in life deliberately but that you actually sincerely struggle to meet these expectations.

It's like someone getting mad at a person in a wheelchair for not being able to walk up the stairs. But these people get away with their impatience with us because if we are relatively high functioning in all appearances and basic behavior, they then expect us to never have a "moment."


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Mistermist
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13 May 2015, 1:46 pm

Yes! Exactly! I was just thinking this the other day! Thinking back, I was not so functional when I was younger, but I got good at compensating. Trio good. So good that it appears I am normal and they say that, now I've kniwn you long enough, I believe you are normal. Ha! It IS a curse, a good problem to have and yet a bad one! Arrgh! Lol



Mistermist
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13 May 2015, 1:48 pm

"TOO" good, I meant to say. I told my friend "I seriously wish I had a weird thing on my face!" She said "a big tattoo on your forehead!" lol



Mistermist
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13 May 2015, 1:53 pm

So funny that you say that about perfect, I was so pissed and hurt at this last one that I said, "Fine! I hope you find your f*****g perfect normal girl, you should have no problem because they're a dime a f*****g dozen! I'm sure they'll playbthe game right and remember to be polite all the time and then cheat on your ass when you turn your back!" Ha

LMAO at "panties in a bunch." Thank you so much for this reply and "getting" it, I soooo needed to hear this. :)