Is It Even Worth The Frustrations And The Headaches!

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I'm an Aspie woman who met someone (a male NT) recently and we have been talking a lot on the phone, but even though I like him a little he is very frustrating to me! He just doesn't seem to understand me and no matter how much he likes me it doesn't make up for all the frustrations I go through with him. I feel like he's not really paying attention to what I tell him about Asperger's, because if he had payed attention he wouldn't ask me so much for things I wouldn't be able to give!

I have problems expressing my feelings to the outside world. Not only that; I have trouble feeling things like love (especially the romantic kind) because I tend to rationalize and use logic for almost everything I do in my life. I'm not really the emotional type of person and I like to think carefully before I act and that seems to upset him in some way for some reason I just don't get. It's frustrating not understanding what he's asking of me and upsetting because I feel like there is this huge chasm between us every time feelings come into discussion. What am I supposed to do? I simply don't get what he wants and he gets frustrated with me as well because I don't understand it (what he wants) or him... He seems to genuinely like me and I like him in some ways too, but I don't know if I want a serious relationship with someone who doesn't understand me no matter how nice he might me towards me.

Am I wrong for feeling frustrated and tired of this already without having really started a romantic relationship yet? Should I try to look for and date an Aspie instead and would that even be better?

Not really.

Whenever someone consistently leaves you feeling like they didn't get you, don't understand you as a person, and are somehow not on the same "wavelength" in important ways, that, to me, is a sign that this person just isn't a fit for you.

This goes whether it's a potential love relationship, or even just a friendship. I think it even applies to NTs among themselves, as they can experience "not getting" each other too, just in a different ways from aspie concerns.

Even though you like this guy, and even though I know it's hard to meet new people, I would say let this one go. Friendships and definitely love relationships shouldn't be that much hard work, and a basic requirement is a feeling of "He/she really gets me."

I understand what you're saying and I think you might be right.

Now it's going to be about how to tell him I'm not going to be with him. This sucks! I wish there was some sort of manual or script for these kinds of things!

And thank you for your replies.

As I read the OP, he frustrates you; you upset him. In such a situation I would move on, or at least not let things progress to a more romantic level.

I definitely know that feeling. Relationships seem very confusing and overwhelming to me, which makes the fact that I would like to have one with a similarly-minded person difficult. I think BirdInFlight pretty much covered it; although you might like him there is obviously a disconnect between the two of you. It's possible you would have better luck feeling that "connection" with someone who is also an aspie or "on the spectrum," although even NTs who have a more logical/scientific way of thinking like you do could be a great match.

I have had the frustrations before, but with my current (NT) girl friend, the usual frustrations are just not there. She actively does her best not to frustrate me, and I in turn do the same for her. She always attempts to understand my point of view.

I have let frustrating relationships pan out, and I wish I hadn't.

I had a brief relationship once with an NT who really wasn't on the same wavelength as me, or didn't want the same things out of the relationship as I did, due to some of her own issues. It was very frustrating and drove me crazy half of the time. Eventually we just drifted apart. Not too long after that I starting dating another NT who let me be myself, wanted the same things out of the relationship that I did, and who really enjoyed being with me. The difference between the 2 relationships was like night and day.

As others said, it sounds like this one might not be meant to be, but there is probably one waiting for you in the near future.

Well, I told the guy about not being together and he put me like I was a bad guy! Well, relationships suck! NT people suck (some of them don't) and I'm not going to bother with them anymore! He didn't even want to listen to what I had to say and just plain out said I was a bad person (that he didn't do anything wrong at all and that all the blame fell on me) and that I was stringing him along, when from the beginning we talked that a relationship might happen or might not happen at all!

Bah! I'm not wasting my time on useless stuff like dating anymore! Well, I just saw his true colors now and I am glad that I won't be stuck in a relationship with that type of person for it would have been a terrible mistake! I would have been truly miserable! (I'm sorry for ranting! )

(And now that I'm not really mad anymore about it, but I feel some anxiety and some dread right now (definitely no more guilt over it)... ) As for dating an aspie; I don't know where I could meet one or how. I don't have any friends and I'm no good at meeting people in the beginning face to face...

VonEverette, I'm so sorry to hear that he was such an ass about it! Yikes! That just goes to confirm even more, that you dodged a bullet there. He does not sound like a good person to be in a relationship with.

He blamed you completely and told you you're a bad person! That is incorrect, mean, cruel and even quite verbally abusive. You were merely being honest about feeling the two of you may not be a good match after all. I realize his feelings may have felt bruised but most reasonable people would be glad to be told that as soon as the other party feels that way.

His response was to shame and blame you for something that just wasn't meant to be and which happens every day. Take his cruel response as another confirmation that he's not the right one for you, and be glad you are now free to find someone who is.

As others have said, they too were in something like this, had a horrible time with it, ended it and one day found someone much more suitable, and the difference was like night and day.

I know it's hard to meet people but just keep on with your life and play it by ear. You have many more possibilities now that you don't have to focus on this guy who wasn't the one. I wish you the best and I'm glad you were able to break things off.

I think sometimes people focus more on the image of someone they have in their mind, what they want the relationship to be like, than what actually is. There's no accounting for people who've decided what they want to see and what should happen before they know what's there.

You could meet one on this site. I met my 2nd & current girlfriend on here & I moved across the country to be with her so I'm sure there would be some guys who would be willing to relocate if there not close to you.

well they say anything worth having doesn't come easy, be glad you are a woman, the onus is not on you to make the first move and be the initiator.

It sounds like he's either mentally and emotionally abusive, or he has narcissistic personality disorder.
I wouldn't give up completely on NT people. There are a lot of people out there who are understanding and kind. It can be hard to find those people, though, since there are so many a**holes out there.