How to Stop the Horrible Feeling?

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JP88
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24 May 2015, 11:25 pm

I need a ton of help. Halfway through my 23rd year on this planet, I'm at a pivotal point in my life. A lot of things are going right for me. I have a new car, a state job and financial security. I am virtually independent outside of still being at home to save up and sometimes my mother cooks and cleans for me.

So everything is great when it comes to that but the one thing that is missing is a female in my life. I've been on here for I think 5 years and no progress has been made. I feel like I'm making improvements in everything else and I've been going to the gym to get in shape and maybe feel a little more confident.

But this is just a nut I can NOT figure out how to crack.

Lately though it's starting to drain on me and with this being Memorial Day Weekend, I've been really lonely. Almost all of my friends have put the puzzle together. I was home alone today just watching racing all day and I couldn't get a hold of anyone to come over. Whether they were going camping for the weekend or off to Lake George for the night, all my friends are enjoying themselves with a significant other.

Yesterday my one friend (who has had issues with meeting girls like myself) said he was busy when another friend wanted us 3 to hang out. He ended up being invited to this girls 21st birthday that he worked with for a little bit but knew through a mutual friend and now I think he's gonna close the deal with her. Best part is once he said he was busy, my other buddy decided to go to a party his cousin was throwing and I did nothing.

Sure I'm happy for my friends but I'm really starting to freak out over this. I just can't be happy around them. On Friday I went to one of my aforementioned buddy's house for a cookout. There were 10 of us there. He has had a girlfriend for about 2 years now and she is prefect. Obviously she was there. Then another friend just recently got a gf about 3 months ago and she actually gave us a ride over. In the car ride over I just happened to ask what were they gonna do over the weekend. Lake George Saturday night into Sunday. Anyway the other 5 people were 2 more couple that I've met a few times that are friends with my buddy and my buddy's roommate who worked until 6 and then left to meet up with his girlfriend after he ate with us.

After eating we watched a movie. I pretended to fall asleep and shielded myself from looking over and just watching the TV as everyone was kissing, holding hands, cuddling, etc... It was just too much for me, I couldn't take it and at one point I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and I just stared into the mirror with a blank look wondering why can't I have this. I'm just so miserable about all this.

Then the worse part is next week is my nephew's birthday party so I get to be questioned by everyone if I have a girlfriend.

I don't know what do you guys suggest I do. I really try hard not to let it get to me and stay positive and just be happy that I'm doing good outside of this 1 thing. BUT this 1 thing is just so huge for me. I feel like if this could just happen, I would be the happiest person in the world. Then on top of that I would feel like my friends wouldn't be feeling bad for me because I have a thought that I think they think they feel pity for me and look down on me. I don't really think they do but I can kind of see it. I mean the one kid who just recently got a gf is just so much more confident lately and always smiling, cracking jokes, and being a little cocky when busting on any of us.

I just feel like I'm viewed as a little kid still, not a man because I haven't had a girl in my life ever and it's been so long. I don't know just feel like crap right now. Anything will help so I would appreciate any advice/ideas, etc...



Stargazer43
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25 May 2015, 12:08 am

I have two comments from someone who has been in a similar situation. The first is: you mention that you stayed in all weekend watching racing because you didn't have anyone to hang out with. My best advice would be to learn how to do things on your own...don't let a lack of a friend hinder you from doing what you enjoy. For much of my younger years, I would never explore my own city because I rarely had someone to do it with. One of the best decisions I ever made was to do it regardless. Nearly every weekend I go out either hiking or to a concert by myself, and couldn't enjoy it more! If someone comes with me, great...but if not, I'm still going to have a great time. Find hobbies that you're passionate in and pursue them! After all, women usually like a guy who's passionate about something ;).

My second advice would be to try online dating if you haven't already. It has pros and cons, but in general I've found it to be the most effective way to actually get dates if you know what you're doing. I will only mention the caveat that you have to be prepared for a lot of rejection with this route...it's just the nature of the game. I personally consider anything from online dating to be illusory until the 3rd date and beyond, because before then you're still mostly strangers to one another, and things can end in a heartbeat. I've had great success from it though, and it has vastly helped me to improve my social skills and romantic interactions.



JP88
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25 May 2015, 12:37 am

Stargazer43 wrote:
I have two comments from someone who has been in a similar situation. The first is: you mention that you stayed in all weekend watching racing because you didn't have anyone to hang out with. My best advice would be to learn how to do things on your own...don't let a lack of a friend hinder you from doing what you enjoy. For much of my younger years, I would never explore my own city because I rarely had someone to do it with. One of the best decisions I ever made was to do it regardless. Nearly every weekend I go out either hiking or to a concert by myself, and couldn't enjoy it more! If someone comes with me, great...but if not, I'm still going to have a great time. Find hobbies that you're passionate in and pursue them! After all, women usually like a guy who's passionate about something ;).

My second advice would be to try online dating if you haven't already. It has pros and cons, but in general I've found it to be the most effective way to actually get dates if you know what you're doing. I will only mention the caveat that you have to be prepared for a lot of rejection with this route...it's just the nature of the game. I personally consider anything from online dating to be illusory until the 3rd date and beyond, because before then you're still mostly strangers to one another, and things can end in a heartbeat. I've had great success from it though, and it has vastly helped me to improve my social skills and romantic interactions.


Thanks for the response.

I actually did go to a local wrestling show last night by myself instead of "doing nothing" but I do feel weird though going alone. I'd imagine a concert wouldn't be so bad because the concerts I go to are chaotic. I would also say I have a good bit of hobbies. I'm learning guitar, been hitting the gym at least 3x a week. I love sports, including football, baseball, racing and wrestling. Actually kind of been getting in shape because I would like to try a the local wrestling school the show I went to last night runs.

As for the online dating. It's hopeless. I've tried the free trials on sites, I've tried the Apps and to this day I have not gotten 1 response. I'm not lying. Not 1 response. I'm not a GQ model but when I get in supreme shape, I'd say I'm well above average in looks. I'm just not sure where else to turn. It's so hard now that I'm out of school. Hell maybe I should just take a class just so maybe I can meet someone. I don't know what to do anymore though.

I usually do okay but when I get constant reminders whether it was my friends showing their affection in front of me or having people badger me on why I don't have a gf yet, it's really hard to not get upset.

Once again thanks for your response.



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25 May 2015, 9:10 am

Are you looking to get a girl-friend or just to stop your horrible feeling or is it that you feel like you cannot stop those feelings without first having a girl-friend ? You should probably start hugging the girls whom you inter-act with more actively. Eventually you'll come across one that's willing to hug you close enough for your hips to touch together rather than her simply leaning forward. From that point onward she's open-game to become your girl-friend.

I suppose it's not so much of a bother for guys like me who know the process of obtaining a female-companion but most of the time I prefer to be by myself as I value the time I can get to myself. Once you get some experience you won't feel so much like you're missing out. Getting a girl-friend is relatively simple... just act like her boy-friend from the get-go until you are inter-acting with a girl who has no qualms or reservations about letting you put your arms around her at random.


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Stargazer43
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25 May 2015, 10:26 am

JP88 wrote:
As for the online dating. It's hopeless. I've tried the free trials on sites, I've tried the Apps and to this day I have not gotten 1 response. I'm not lying. Not 1 response. I'm not a GQ model but when I get in supreme shape, I'd say I'm well above average in looks. I'm just not sure where else to turn. It's so hard now that I'm out of school. Hell maybe I should just take a class just so maybe I can meet someone. I don't know what to do anymore though.


That's something I can help with! I'm no Brad Pitt by any means, but I get responses to like 50% of my messages on average. If you're not getting responses, it is more than likely because of one or a combination of the following: bad pictures, poorly-written profile, poorly-written messages, or the types of women you are messaging. A well-written profile can make a huge difference. I find OkCupid to be the best site, as it is free, and has a large/varied user base.

For pictures, ideally try to use pictures of you doing something fun/interesting. Outdoors pictures are good because the lighting is typically so much better. Even the most unattractive person can take attractive pictures, and a good picture can make a world of difference online, where you're often judged for your pictures first. For first messages, I'd suggest limiting them to 3-5 sentences with a question or two about something in their profile...I have a "formula" I use that seems to work really well if you need an example. Regarding who you are messaging: make sure to thoroughly read their profile before messaging them and consider how compatible the two of you are. If you message people who you have little in common with, you'll get very few responses. With that said, have a bit of leeway...my best experience with online dating came from me going out on a limb and messaging someone that didn't seem all that interesting or compatible from her profile (but she definitely proved me wrong!) Regarding your profile itself, it's hard to provide general guidance on it, but I'd be more than happy to critique yours if you'd like some feedback (as long as you're willing to accept potentially harsh criticism).

All in all, it sounds like you're in a good place in life, and I'm sure you'll be able to find someone eventually. Just keep in mind that relationships don't develop overnight, and it can take a lot of time to meet the right person. Try to focus on your hobbies, career, and enjoying life, and it will make the whole dating thing a lot easier.



JP88
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25 May 2015, 11:37 am

Stargazer, if you have an example that would be appreciated. The thing is though I have already asked friends to help me out with this and I've seemingly done all those things the right way as some of my friends had me setup my profile like they did and they have been successful.

Dodger, I'm definitely looking for someone. I mean I'm 23 and I have not one single friend I talk to on the phone or do anything with that's a female. I've had a few acquaintances, I've been really close at times but I've honestly never closed the deal. Just think of that. Not 1 person, even a friend that I could talk to.

Then when I see my friends together with someone and there kissing or holding hands, it hard to ignore those feelings of being lonely. I wish it was as easy as you say but it really isn't for me. I'm not sure what it is but I was a ghost in high school so I never got any experience. I guess it's followed me through now.



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25 May 2015, 11:46 am

JP88 wrote:
Stargazer, if you have an example that would be appreciated. The thing is though I have already asked friends to help me out with this and I've seemingly done all those things the right way as some of my friends had me setup my profile like they did and they have been successful.


Here's the sort of thing I typically send in a first message, with the content obviously changing based on what their profile says. This gets a conversation started, and from there it either takes off or it doesn't:

"Hi, I really enjoyed reading your profile! I see that you're a fellow outdoors enthusiast - have you been hiking in the mountains north of here? It's one of the most beautiful places I've seen since moving to the area, and I highly recommend it if you haven't.

Hope that you're having a great week!"



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26 May 2015, 4:14 am

OP, good thing you had the foresight to start at 18. I was about your age when I started and yes, it takes years. Because you started at a young age you will probably be younger than I am now when you reach your goals

Ban-Dodger wrote:
You should probably start hugging the girls whom you inter-act with more actively.
What!? They'd hate that for sure! Wouldn't they?


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26 May 2015, 6:02 am

JP88 wrote:
I need a ton of help. Halfway through my 23rd year on this planet, I'm at a pivotal point in my life. A lot of things are going right for me. I have a new car, a state job and financial security. I am virtually independent outside of still being at home to save up and sometimes my mother cooks and cleans for me.

So everything is great when it comes to that but the one thing that is missing is a female in my life. I've been on here for I think 5 years and no progress has been made. I feel like I'm making improvements in everything else and I've been going to the gym to get in shape and maybe feel a little more confident.

But this is just a nut I can NOT figure out how to crack.

Lately though it's starting to drain on me and with this being Memorial Day Weekend, I've been really lonely. Almost all of my friends have put the puzzle together. I was home alone today just watching racing all day and I couldn't get a hold of anyone to come over. Whether they were going camping for the weekend or off to Lake George for the night, all my friends are enjoying themselves with a significant other.

Yesterday my one friend (who has had issues with meeting girls like myself) said he was busy when another friend wanted us 3 to hang out. He ended up being invited to this girls 21st birthday that he worked with for a little bit but knew through a mutual friend and now I think he's gonna close the deal with her. Best part is once he said he was busy, my other buddy decided to go to a party his cousin was throwing and I did nothing.

Sure I'm happy for my friends but I'm really starting to freak out over this. I just can't be happy around them. On Friday I went to one of my aforementioned buddy's house for a cookout. There were 10 of us there. He has had a girlfriend for about 2 years now and she is prefect. Obviously she was there. Then another friend just recently got a gf about 3 months ago and she actually gave us a ride over. In the car ride over I just happened to ask what were they gonna do over the weekend. Lake George Saturday night into Sunday. Anyway the other 5 people were 2 more couple that I've met a few times that are friends with my buddy and my buddy's roommate who worked until 6 and then left to meet up with his girlfriend after he ate with us.

After eating we watched a movie. I pretended to fall asleep and shielded myself from looking over and just watching the TV as everyone was kissing, holding hands, cuddling, etc... It was just too much for me, I couldn't take it and at one point I had to excuse myself to go to the bathroom and I just stared into the mirror with a blank look wondering why can't I have this. I'm just so miserable about all this.

Then the worse part is next week is my nephew's birthday party so I get to be questioned by everyone if I have a girlfriend.

I don't know what do you guys suggest I do. I really try hard not to let it get to me and stay positive and just be happy that I'm doing good outside of this 1 thing. BUT this 1 thing is just so huge for me. I feel like if this could just happen, I would be the happiest person in the world. Then on top of that I would feel like my friends wouldn't be feeling bad for me because I have a thought that I think they think they feel pity for me and look down on me. I don't really think they do but I can kind of see it. I mean the one kid who just recently got a gf is just so much more confident lately and always smiling, cracking jokes, and being a little cocky when busting on any of us.

I just feel like I'm viewed as a little kid still, not a man because I haven't had a girl in my life ever and it's been so long. I don't know just feel like crap right now. Anything will help so I would appreciate any advice/ideas, etc...


Not having had a girlfriend does not make you less of a man. A man is a man regardless of the presence of a woman in his life.

I think part of the reason that people on the spectrum, in general, have trouble with dating and relationships is, because we are not necessarily naturally inclined to seek them out in the same manner NTs do.

There are a few things you might try to meet someone.
1. Let your friend's and co-workers know you are looking for a partner. They might know someone they can fix you up with.
2. If you utilize dating websites, try to be open about your situation. Your headline might be "Somewhat socially awkward lonely guy looking for a girl to hang out with" or something similar.
3. Make more male friends. I think men with male friends tend to be happier in general, and a larger social network also increases your odds of finding a mate.



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26 May 2015, 6:46 am

There's no "What!?" about this, all you have to do is have your arms open towards the one you want to hug, putting a goofy smile on your face, and either she will respond by doing the "friend" hug, jumping into your arms to squeeze you, otherwise she'll just put up a hand and wave it in a "No thanks" fashion.

RetroGamer87 wrote:
OP, good thing you had the foresight to start at 18. I was about your age when I started and yes, it takes years. Because you started at a young age you will probably be younger than I am now when you reach your goals
Ban-Dodger wrote:
You should probably start hugging the girls whom you inter-act with more actively.
What!? They'd hate that for sure! Wouldn't they?

From my own experiences, MOST of the time, you will usually get the "friend" hug. For more likely chances for you to get the "mutual-hug" effect, you TALK to the girl, ask her about herself, show that you have an interest in her by asking the various "common-social" questions about her, such as the following:

* What's your name ?
* Are you a student/working ?
* What kind of career do you do or planning to pursue ?
* Do you have any brothers or sisters ?
* Live around here ?
* Do you like the subjects that you're studying or work that you're doing ?

...then add additional questions, that are related to YOUR interests, for example, I might ask, due to being related to MY interests:

* Ever practiced martial arts ?
* Are you familiar with conventional versus non-conventional medical-practices ?
* Speak any other languages ?
* Familiar with animé ?
* Know much about para-normal phenomenon ?
* What do you think of book-smarts versus street-smarts ?
* When are the best times to call you ?
* etc.

For those of you who don't notice the purpose of what looks like this kind of "small-talk/chit-chat," pay attention to how they are almost like interview-questions, but what is it that she is being interviewed for ? (Basically it's like an interview about how well-qualified she is to be worth starting a relationship with you or not) Note that the girls who DO respond by asking you questions about yourself WILL be likely to be willing to hug you after you've bantered enough as she's showing an interest in you by asking you about you. For the ones who aren't going to talk much to you those are the ones who probably don't want to be bothered unless you can say something by fluke-luck that really catches her interest.

I can't tell you the number of times I've run into girls, VERY ATTRACTIVE girls (even the ones in their late-teens or at least are already at least past "driving" age), who have said to me that NO guy has ever approached them & talked to them before (and yes they DO ask what it is that made me decide to go up & talk to them, and to ME it was obvious, they asked that question because they want for guys to approach them, and are trying to figure out what they can do to be approached), although speaking in a French-sounding accent to them may have been a big part of what caught their interest (plus I was always in a business-suit & spotlessly clean all of the time back during my professional-mode), and it seems that this is more common than many of you believe (the problem with a lot of you, ahem, I mean, a lot of WE "autistic" types is that we read everything in a book, make assumptions, but seem to never bother to PERSONALLY FIELD-TEST THESE CLAIMS OR BELIEFS FOR OURSELVES !).

Yes, I also KNOW that there are "autistics" who exist who REALLY BELIEVE that they will be "slapped" immediately upon even ATTEMPTING to merely "talk" to a girl, but I'm going to tell all of you that you're never going to get anywhere in life if you don't start questioning your damn beliefs, PUT what you "believe" to the TEST in order to see with your own f*****g two eyes if it's actually true or not, and remember, stop limiting yourself to book-smarts or any of society's "mantras" and develop some street-smarts, geez...


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