How to deal with my mother - advice please

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Hey,

this is gonna be long but I feel like I need to get this off my chest right now. I would really appreciate it if someone could write their thoughts on it.

I'm unsure how to deal with my mother, and how to continue or change my relationship to her. She's not this abusive monster that shouts all the time, but I think she definitely checks some symptoms of abusive behaviour. She can be 'normal' and 'nice' a great deal of the time, but seemingly only as long as things are going her way. Whenever she disagrees with someone, her opinion is the only correct one and everybody else has to give in.

For example, I do admit that I am more of a messy person. I don't have the energy or time to regularly clean all the little corners, so my flat can get a bit dirty at times, but I am trying to improve. Whenever she visits - three times so far - I cleaned up especially for her, but not to the high standard she requires apparently because everytime she would check all rooms and complain about every bit of dirt or mess she found, even opening doors and going through my stuff. It was really quite clean then so she complained about the smallest stuff. Everytime I warned her not to do that or she would not be invited back next time, since it's my flat and none of her business, but apparently she doesn't care bc she never stopped and I don't really know whether I should really be consequent and not let her back into my flat again. Yesterday my band had its first gig and she came to see it with her new boyfriend, and afterwards we went to my flat for just about an hour before they drove home. But she found time to complain about all kinds of BS, saying stuff like 'will you ever manage to get around to doing that' or saying to her boyfriend 'yeah, it always looks like this here'. You know, basically calling me lazy and dirty in front of someone who is basically a stranger to me. I was kind of happy because our gig had gone well but after they left I felt down and angry. So thanks for ruining that evening.

And that's just how it always goes, as long as I'm not doing anything 'bad' she's treating me ok but otherwise she called me stupid, lazy, even fat and ugly while I was still a child. She loves to point out flaws in other people but never admits to any mistakes herself. For example, after I gained some weight she said stuff like 'of course that's your thing, but you're still so young.. it's such a shame'. Although she used to be overweight herself. She is also quick to point out when I'm having an acne breakout or my hair looks bad. Just all around likes to put people down all the time. When I first told her I like to sing and maybe want to get singing lessons she said - without ever having heard my voice - 'I cannot really imagine you as the next pop star'. Now she keeps pointing out that I do not earn much money in my job and pushes me towards finding a new one, although I'm quite happy with my job. Stuff like that, all the time...

She's not only like that to me, although most people she knows have not really seen this side of her yet, she did have a few friends she cut contact to after they made a tiny mistake or disagreed with her. She doesn't exactly handle my autism that great either. I first started considering I might have Asperger's with around 14 but she always insisted I don't have it and that I'm just shy and lazy. With 19 I finally went to get diagnosed and now that I do have the official Asperger diagnosis, she kinda goes back and forth between seemingly accepting it, claiming it's just an excuse so I don't have to 'improve' and telling me I should stop drinking milk and maybe then it might go away. She doesn't really mention it most of the time though and also doesn't take it into consideration when I'm acting 'strange' or need a break bc I'm overwhelmed. She's also moderately homo- and xenophobic and all around doesn't have very pleasant views.

I thought I could earn some more respect from her now that I'm an adult with my own flat and job. Of course I don't depend on her anymore which is great. But I still struggle to not give in to what she wants and the problem is that I do kinda want her around, but then I also don't. It's ok when I go to visit her, because that's her 'domain' and there we get along alright. But yeah.. it's hard to consider that your mother - my only living close relative - might be a borderline abusive and just not very good person. Her behaviour damaged my feelings of self worth a lot during my childhood and I think it's partially her fault that I had serious depressive phases during my teenage years. But then there's all the good times I had with her and I don't feel like I would be able to give that up. But also I don't want to be inconsequential and just let her disregard my boundaries forever.

Sad to say that my mother is also like this, and that I trained her exactly like I would train an animal, by leaving immediately whenever she said something critical or making her leave my house regardless of what we were doing, or hanging up if she was criticizing on the phone. It took three or four years. Now she just keeps all her criticisms inside and doesn't say them, even though I can tell she's silently thinking them by the expression on her face. She still criticizes my sister openly, because my sister just argues with her.

My mother can be a bit like that. Still. (Note my age!)

What works best for me is to do like Molly does. It is almost a comical example of good, old fashioned B. F. Skinner conditioning.

I simply do not allow her into my home, because if she if there I can't use the tool of withdrawing (e.g. my leaving or ending a phone call).

When we do talk on the phone I keep the conversation focused on her interests (gardening, etc.) or family gossip. If I make the mistake of talking about anything real in my life I usually get a lot of unsolicited and sometimes hurtful advice-giving.

Oh well. I try to accept that I will likely never change her behavior; at best I can modify it a bit. It is an opportunity for me to practice the Serenity Prayer that is in my signature.

My mother has been like this in the past, but stopped about 3 or 4 years ago. She was constantly getting on me particularly about the state of my house and my weight. I am certainly not perfect in those areas, but the constant negativity was wearing me down.

I finally emphatically told her that she was the only person in the world getting on me about it. (This was not an exaggeration.) In the case of my mom, it awoke her to how ridiculously critical she was being of me, and she stopped.

I don't know what will help with your mom. I only know what worked with my mom.

Haha! That made me laugh out loud.

Yes, I can relate very much, due to my grandmother and mother. Especially in regard to this:



Years ago I gained some weight, probably due a bit to drinking a bit too much at that time. My grandmother, who is obese, commented that it was obvious I didn't work out. My mom has also been critical of acne, as if it's something anyone would want. I don't talk to either of them now, only because I continually go in cycles of receiving nice behavior when it's convenient, then getting lots of criticism when something bothers them that they don't want to deal with. I'm not saying you should cut off your mom, but it is difficult to deal with that kind of behavior. I personally got tired of family get togethers used as an excuse for her to point out that I wasn't "manly" enough. But then she'd tell me I had a sexy voice??? Neither exchange was desirable, obviously.

Regarding your music, I'm sure she'd be right next to you if you were famous and rich. Unfortunately, that's how most people are. They will laugh at your goals, but when you're successful they're swift to step up and share some of the credit. Many people also find it easier to tear others down instead of pulling themselves up and actually being happy. Make yourself happy and treat others fairly. Sometimes we have to find the family we need, instead of focusing on the one we were given.

Good advice!

I think it's sad that so many people can relate to this. I think I'm still a bit too optimistic, concerning my mother. I still used to think that she would change eventually. I even thought 'it's a big day for you - she will understand that and not complain this time'. But she's not even willing to do that. She called me this evening because she wanted to know if I had received the photos she had sent me of our gig, and used the chance to tell me again how dirty my flat is - I told her she's not gonna enter it again so it doesn't matter. I think I won't tell her about our next gig either. I had a bad feeling about her being there for it anyways, but of course I couldn't stop her from attending a public concert.

So many people feel like they have to make themselves superior. I know someone else who is generally a very nice guy, but likes to say how great he is. We both garden, and one year he asked me if I had put in my peas yet. I said no, because it had been raining. He answered that he planted his peas in the rain (obviously he had asked to get to this point of showing off.) I just said, "Good for you." The guy has never asked me a question like this since.

One thing I would probably retort to your mother, when she comments on the mess is say, "Well, you don't have to live here, so who cares?" Or when she comments on your weight, you could say, "Well, it's not your life. Get over it."

I think part of dealing with it is showing that you are unfazed. Part of the "pleasure" of talking to people this way, I think, is it somehow gives them a sense of power like they are able to influence you in some way. If you can stop any communication that her comments make a difference in your life, perhaps that might help as well.

She's your mother.
My mother called me names too so many times and she shouts at me but I don't take it sensitively because she probably got angry and irritated from what I did and didn't really mean it because after all she's my mother and mothers love their children
Your parents give you from their own money and energy and emotions and life

No. I don't buy into that 'children HAVE to love and forgive their parents' BS anymore. What childrens and parents have is a genetic connection and nothing else. Parents do not have the license to treat their children badly whenever they feel like it. If they started yelling at some other adult and calling them names, they would get in trouble, and (grown up) children are free to react the same way. They knew they were going to have a child. Be ready to treat your child with at least basic human respect, or don't have one. The argument 'oh but I paid for you and fed you, you have to be grateful' also means nothing because, as I said, they wanted to have a child and knew perfectly well they would have to feed and pay for me. Nobody gets a gold star for not letting their child starve...

They aren't forced to do that for you anyway, they could've just threw you somewhere or put you in an orphanage or put you up for adoption and I'm certain that if you were put in one of those situations it wouldn't have been good, it's just yelling not that they're doing something to you
People usually act more nice towards strangers or people they know lesser, well that's from my experience because when you know someone well you usually speak your mind in front of them and towards them but when someone you don't know, you limit yourself
And it isn't just genetic relation, you lived with them ever since you were born, what about all the times you had together, the bad and the good? Memories? Bonds?

Uhm, yes, theoretically they could have abandoned me completely, but as I said, keeping and feeding your child is pretty much 'basic human decency'. People do not get any praise from me for that. That's like saying 'sure, I did break into a house.. but I could also have killed everybody, right? So I actually was pretty nice.'

And it's not JUST yelling. It's called emotional abuse. Check the lists, my mother does almost all of those things. It sure doesn't affect everybody the same way. But I was a shy and insecure child anyway, got bullied at school, and when I came home I had to tread on egg shells so my mother wouldn't get angry at me for something. I was never free to act like myself. Calling your child fat, ugly, incompetent, stupid, lazy...over and over again is not just yelling, it's systematic emotional abuse.

The positive memories I have are pretty much the only reason why we still have contact at all.

Sorry to hear you had to go through this
My mother once told me something which hurt me a lot when I was younger but she doesn't even remember that she did say that, I guess she was too angry at that moment so she probably didn't pay attention to what she said, she also didn't pay much attention to me as a kid but I think she had her reasons
Well I don't know about you but I feel deep connection towards my family so I don't get hurt from what they say or do

I recommend the book, "Boundaries".

While I would never say my mother was unloving or abusive, I would say that she had some bad habits in the way she interacted with me, and could be very caustic at times. Her love did not mean she had full freedom to say whatever she wanted to me. Nasty words are hurtful, no matter who they come from! Sometimes they can be ignored, say if someone is having a bad day. But if it is a pattern behavior, it needs to be addressed somehow.

The OP has *asked* his mother to stop, and she is ignoring his requests. Obviously, a polite and probably not firm enough request, is not enough to get her to stop.

He wants to solve this problem while maintaining a relationship with his mother. This is commendable. The more destructive routes would either be for him to continue putting up with it and questioning his own self-worth, or to cut her out from his life.

Yes, I AGREE----this is EXACTLY what I did, with MY mother. When I first moved here, she came-over and said: "You haven't made good use of the space, in here"; I said: "Well, it's a good thing you don't have to live here, then, idn't?" She shut-up!

I also agree with nerdygirl's second paragraph----you must show her that she doesn't have any power, over you. Your mother seems like she MIGHT be narcissistic----always wanting the attention, being right, and so-forth----OR, at the very least, a "Control Queen"! My theory on people who are "control freaks" is that they control everything on the OUTside, cuz they can't control what's going-on, on the INside----meaning, for instance, some kind of emotional "disturbance". If you ALLOW her to control you, she WILL----simple, as that!

I think you were RIGHT to tell her that she won't be invited back----AND, I think you are right in thinking that you shouldn't tell her the time / location, of your next gig!

There will be strain in your relationship, but she's got to learn!

I already told her several times things like 'it doesn't matter, because you don't have to live here' or 'it's none of your business'. It has no effect though because she'll say things like 'it's just my opinion and I can say my opinion whenever I want' or 'well after you have ruined your flat, don't call me to fix it!' which is just random BS. I will stay determined and not let her into my flat again, she was warned more than often enough. I'm normally a person who wants harmony and would rather give in than have an argument but it's been enough. She invited me to visit her in July, not sure if I'm going to do that or not yet.