Being alone vs. feeling alone

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I like being by myself. It is when I can take my NT skin off and relax. But I struggle with feeling very, very alone once I'm out of my work place and my intellect isn't being engaged/I'm not having to be my NT self. I think loneliness is slowly killing me. Does this resonate with other people here? Any ideas/suggestions for how to cope with this? Thank you.

The longest, most serious relationship in which I have ever been lasted nearly a decade. I think part of what held it together for so long is that we never cohabitated. I love my alone time. I am happiest when I am alone, but that doesn't mean I don't want a mate. I just need my space, and she understood that it had nothing to do with her or me wanting to be away from her. I was alone, but I wasn't lonely.

Fast forward to my current situation. My girlfriend and I live together, we are hardly ever apart, and even when I go into our room to get away from everything and decompress she pops in every five minutes. I am hardly ever alone, but sometimes there is such a disconnect between us I can feel very alone.

I can definitely without question relate to all the posters.

I LOVE to be alone sometimes. One of my long term goals is to further segregate myself from society voluntarily.

To respond to JenniferJones, would say the following:
Don't think it's black and white. I have met 50+ individuals with ASD. Some have a "normal" interest in friendship, others absolutely none, and others in between. It seems from your descriptions that you are in between (like me).

Not sure which one would work best with you.


OPTION ONE:

What has worked for me that may or may not work for you is socializing in formats other than friendships. Examples include:
---chit chat with strangers on the street
---networking events (business functional)
---warmlines (www.warmline.org) - warmlines allow indivuduals to talk about anything on their mind for 10-60 minutes depending on time limits (these can be used as substitutes for friends). If you need more time than they give, maximize use of their rules and call multiple ones (red ones can be called anywhere even a different state)
***note that I don't have a financial benefit from giving this website link and am not affiliated with the website in any way, shape, or form (just found this site to be helpful for me for coping with ASD abnormalities)

Friendships arent a necessity for all. It is only a social health problem if YOU get depressed from this (not your parents/loved ones). Parents/loved ones need to accept you for who you are. No parent or professional has a right to force you to make a friend against your will if they do this. Tell them to stop nudging you if this really isn't an interest for you. Say "f you" to these people (not literally). This could be causing depression. However, you may need some degree of socializing with society in that case, it could be done in means other than friendship.


OPTION TWO:

Find friends that are interested in hanging out 1:1 and for more extended amounts of time. An unknown ASD symptom (of some not all people with ASD) is an interest in intense relationships (and should go with the current not against). Think you should try hanging out with someone for 8+ hours at a time and 1:1 and see if this helps with depression. Many people with ASD crave friendships but DIFFERENT friendships from most. Maybe that's you.


Hope this helps!

Your welcome. I can definitely relate to most of what your saying. The only difference is that you seem introverted/quiet whereas I am more outgoing/extroverted. Don't think you'd like hanging out with me because I'd be too intense and talkative for you. I definitely don't think I'm your next husband.

Sorry if I'm writing a lot to you.

Based on what you said in your second post, would say the following:

Maybe try a shorter amount of hangout time than 8 hours but still 1:1. What may be good for someone like you would be keeping the 8 hour 1:1 hangout time but just sharing space (not talking or doing anything tangible). Maybe a cuddle buddy to watch TV with would be good for you. Connecting with another individual without talking or doing.

You should stay clear of all ASD adult services. They will "f" you up more likely than not. Don't try them and find out because then it will be too late. Most likely, they'll want you to integrate more than you'd like and you'll end up in worse shape than you are now. Avoid the hospital (your more likely to be raped there than in the community as a whole). Avoid transition programs and job coaches who will coach you to be fake in order to succeed. Many social skills groups teach inaccurate social skills to people and others will reject the ASD identity. Nothing for ASD will help you.

To be honest with you, I could guess that the services and knowledge that your ASD was part of what f****d up your solid relationship with your husband. ASD professionals trying to get their feet into a solid relationship would just mess it up good (can just picture what they'd do to it). From my experiences, ASD professionals, families, and some people with ASD (not you) tend to be the least accepting of ASD of anyone out there. I could see someone giving you an AS diagnosis because you were somewhat antisocial. Then, not accepting and derogatory mental health professionals would attempt to make you more social but damage you in the process. This damage probably caused more stereotypical ASD symptoms which would then detract your husband from you. Then, more services that just make you worse. GET OUT OF THIS TRAP BEFORE IT GETS ANY WORSE.

I can defanitely relate to the lack of interest in dating/marriage but also wanting the feeling of being loved and safe (currently going thru a similar problem myself). I dated before but with a different problem than you. One ex (Megan) and I cliqued really really well and wanted to get married. However, her parents were controlling, derogatory, and abusive to Megan. Megan's parents didn't want Megan to have a boyfriend and would micromanage her social life. Megan's parents claimed she would be unsafe with a guy (which was definitely true) but her parents were the biggest abuser in Megans life and would overshelter her so she'd never learn. While Megan definitely had an interest in having a boyfriend, no one in her life was available to teach her how to date safely where a guy wouldn't sexually harass her. What they'd more do is say "no" to dating, not give us any privacy, and try to limit our contact. After having a mental health issue that was resolved, Megan's parents made our dating conditions so unbearable until Megan broke up with me (probably because her parents forced Megan to but not sure). Megan defiantly seemed to want to resume at a later point but assume her parents blocked access to me via a guardianship. Megan currently has a guardianship you'd expect to see with someone who is nonverbal/intellectually disabled but she is high functioning/very verbal. Megan is the toughest person on the planet to influence (this is a derogatory belief about ASD) but she is the easiest person on the planet to control. What is very common in Megan's life is for her to state very clearly what she wants and for 95-100% of it to be completely ignored. While all this occurred back in 2012, this experience still scars me today. It breaks my heart how the closest people to Msgan and services supposedly designed to help people like her are the ones that F her up the most.

Looking back, I think Megan and I worked primarily because we each played a function in each other's lives. I was more the logistical/problem solving person whereas Megan was more the emotional person. I imagine your ex husband played a role in your life but you likely aren't aware of what that role is. Some sort of unique ASD emotional need most likely is missing from your life that your husband provided. Maybe he provided direction and guidance to you. Maybe companionship. Maybe something else or more than one thing. If you can try to figure out what your husband did to help you, it will be easier to try to replicate it.

It's like this. You don't like dating. You like your ex husband. Most people see a significant other as replaceable where if they breakup, there's always another one. Not true for many with ASD. They'll fixate on one person where they many times aren't replaceable. Most people want to make friends or significant others as a whole. However, Many people with ASD will want to make 3 or fewer super close friends and click tight with individuals (not want to make friends or relationships as a whole). Initiation and termination of relationships tends to be tough for some people with ASD whereas sustaining already existing ones is super easy. I doubt you will ever fully let go of your ex husband (but maybe I'm wrong).


If there is anything I would tell you, it is this: PRETEND YOU DID NOT GET DIAGNOSED WITH ASD; THAT WAS PROBABLY THE WORST THING THAT HAPPENED TO YOU YOUR ENTIRE LIFE.

Yeah, I'm dead serious. Just abruptly 100% cut out all ASD services and insist that your parents and family stop nudging you to be social. Another husband may come someday (but on your terms). Maybe not a husband but a good friend. Maybe even cut out places like Wrongplanet. Pretend you never got ASD and do whatever you did your whole life that worked for you.

Hope this is helpful to you!