Do we let a single conflict ruin friendships?

Post Reply New Topic

I avoid conflict wherever possible for this exact reason.

Most of the time, if the conflict is one in which I know that Im right, and I have logical verifiable proof that indicates so, then I tend to shy away from the conflict, knowing full well that Ill end the relationship because I can't handle being right and them not recognizing that aspect.

My theory in these cases is that they didn't value the friendship as much as I did to start with. A conflict is survivable when there are other strong, very strong, points of interest in the friendship.

Another possibility in the OP's case is the OP mentions how the other person had a much more active social life - it could be that the other person had the privilege to be choosier.

Then again, it could be the other person sensed the underlying cause of the OP's anger: envy, insecurity, low self-esteem and frustration caused by their interactions. And that's naturally a deal breaker. It could even be the case that these feelings had actually surfaced multiple times before (in more moderate form), and this was the last straw for the other person.

One more possibility that comes to mind: the OP said something that cannot be taken back or apologized for. Such as "I hate black people" when the other person is black.

Conflicts in themselves do not strengthen a relationship, on the contrary - they weaken it. What strengthens a friendship or any kind of relationship is the willingness to sit down together to resolve the issues, learn from the conflict and each grow so it doesn't happen again. I don't see either of you did this process, and for it to work now it would have to be both of you walking that path of growth. This is rare to find, most people prefer to start a new friendship with the same superficiality and leave again when there's a conflict. Especially people who have "tons of" friends.

This. Well, i tried... but eventually their ignorance and illogical decisions becomes an obsession and at some point ( weeks, months later..) i will say the truth anyway.

I think extremely black / white. I also follow my own principals and moral very strictly. I have ended alot of friendships because of people thinking otherwise (for example, taking drugs.. going back to abusive husbands etc)

What i have learned in conflict with NTs is they generally tell their part of the story to friends, who stand up for the person. Then you get to face alot of B%@$%, everyone tells you how you are wrong (or a psycho) yet when one was to fully analyse the conflict, people would actually see that you are not wrong at all.

There is a video that explains conformity pretty well, i think it applies in conflict situations as well. People DO stand up for only 1 of the 2 sides in a conflict situation, just because they are afraid of losing their rank.

Here's the link : https://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=p ... rNIuFrso8I

I must also add that ending friendships made me really sick the first few times earlier in my life. Going from 1 friend back to ZERO is cruel..

However, it became more easier to manage over the years. I can now stop all contact with someone, then i will be sick for a few days and then i never think about that person again.

There's been a couple of times when people have just stopped talking to me (all my friends in year 8 did) and I still have no idea why. I've never really been in a situation like the OP, because I tend to tread very carefully (at least, I think I do) and am rarely in conflict with anyone.

Having said that, like others have mentioned, I've cut off friends for one conflict/transgression. They're sometimes things that others would see as forgiveable, but when I've weighed up the pros and cons of the friendship, I'll realise that one particular conflict, etc., has tipped the scales against them, so to speak. (But if the pros still outweighed, I'd see a way past it).

Usually my friendships have ended by drifting apart, neither of us getting in contact with each other anymore, etc.

While I do spend a lot of time speculating with 'what ifs?' etc, I don't think I've ever really done it with a friendship, strangely enough.

Funny that you mention it,

Usually when i weigh up the pros against the cons, i always find a huge balance problem. The cons outweight the pros. It is usually a one-way friendship.. you give everything but get nothing in return. You only get to realise this if you are completely honest to yourself and analyse the friendship.

What do you give to the other?
Do you get something back that fulfill your needs? (like feeling less lonely or other social stuff)
Are you the one always seeking contact but if you dont send a message to the other person, you get a silence that last for weeks?

I agree with this. I also think that even without the kind of heated altercation we're all talking about here, conflict can exist between people, and that too needs the same treatment, so that an unpleasant scene can be pre-empted. I think a big mistake a lot of people make is to completely avoid confronting their differences, in order to avoid an unpleasant scene, which is very understandable given the damage it could do, but they often take it too far and leave the matter unaired. I guess I'm just saying what Blake said with his "I was angry with a friend...." poem.