Family not accepting DS w/ HFASD

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Hi,

I have joined these forums hoping there is some good advise out there for my family.

I have a 5 year old son "J" with HF autism.
I married my husband two years ago, in the mean time he has legally adopted my son through the courts, the bio father was never present.

His family has a very difficult time accepting J. Because he is high functioning, he does not come across as "special needs" but appears like a badly behaved child.
The extended family basically has a motto of spanking a child into submission, and if it didn't work, spank harder. They are also very intolerant of any behaviour that is not textbook Sunday School.
Combined, this always creates a highly stressful and toxic situation, and when they attempt to correct his actions my son becomes very resistant and it escalated fast from there.

There have bee several discussions, we have mentioned not being able to show up to family events anymore, they have been very apologetic but nothing is ever changing.
There are two other, biological, grandchildren, they are clearly favoured. Some days we come over and they try, other days we come over and they wont even greet J or look his way. It is quite obvious, and they have made it clear that because of his "bad manners" they don't feel any love for him.

Huby and I had baby last week.
This weekend they came to visit for the day to meet their new grandchild.
I prepared myself mentally but .....they came in, no one greeted J they were all over the baby, and that is how it stayed for the entire visit.
A few times when J wanted to communicate with me, he was told by them not to interrupt adults, I was made aware of the fact that he was not listening to my husband outside, but no one even said a sentence to him.

My heart breaks for my son as he can sense the resentment.
My parents in law are driving a wedge between two brothers because they love one and not the other. They are driving a wedge between me and my husband, who is tying to deal with them, but is also torn up over this whole thing.
Out of all their married children, I'm well aware of the fact that me and my son are considered by them a burden for their child, my husband.

At what point do I become that wife and daughter in law that withholds the Chistmas and stops showing up.

Does anyone have any suggestions on how to deal with family issues like these ?

What does your husband think? The reason that I ask is it is because it is his family, and ideally he should be the one to deal with it, so you do not become the scapegoat. Ideally you should be a united front. If he does not agree with that this treatment is intolerable, your problem is as much with him, as with them.

Honestly, I would give them an ultimatum and mean it. If they don't treat your oldest, like an actual person,; no baby access for them. If they cannot treat him like a person in front of his cousins---no extended family events, either---and yes, that goes for the baby.

I am not saying to use the baby as leverage ---what I am saying is you cannot allow your son to be treated with that much disparity. There is only so long you can use the excuse that it is because the baby is new.

What they are doing is tantamount to abuse, and I would not tolerate it.

Disclaimer: My in-laws are milder versions of this, to varying degrees. I don't allow abuse of my son, and neither does my husband, despite being very conflict averse.

Edit for clarification: My son is not a step, but his behavior and interests are such that they don't like him. Also, I know you said how your husband acts, but what I ws trying to ask was what does he really think about it. Sometimes if you have someone who feels stuck in the middle it is hard to find out what he really thinks because that type of person does not want to make anyone upset.

It's up to your husband to step up and say something. It's his family. He shouldn't tolerate your son being treated so poorly. My husband would never tolerate his family being rude or disrespectful to me or our children. Period. I have

I wouldn't let the in-laws around my children if they behaved in such a way. It will only damage your son's probably already fragile sense of self. At the moment, the baby is perfect and normal to them but what if this child developed issues? Would they reject them too? I wouldn't want people like that in my life or my children's.

This seems like a very simple situation with a very clear, bright line running through it.

My duty as a father and husband is to protect my wife and children. This trumps any duty to my parents or extended family. There is not a lot wiggle room there. My wife's family have no right whatsoever to harm my kids emotionally or physically. The obligation of a parent to an adopted child is identical to their obligation to a biological child.

Given this perspective, you probably won't be surprised when I give my reaction to this:

How can he call himself a father or a man and be torn up over this?

He needs to call a family meeting and lay down the law. Either they respect his rules for his family, or you collectively don't go there anymore. He can briefly visit them without the grandkids, but they should either agree to let you two raise your kids by the rules of your family or they should not be given additional opportunities to harm your son.

I would seriously wonder what is in his heart if he isn't totally committed to protecting you and your son.

Given the "Textbook Sunday School" morality of this family, I would tell him it's time to get with Matthew and cleave to his wife, leaving father and mother behind. If he needs to be their son more than he needs to be your husband, there isn't much of a man or marriage there.


Right now. What about your parents--maybe Christmas should be with them? Or Christmas at home would be a better option. You don't get to do these childhood years over, and we deal with the echoes of events and dynamics like these for the rest of our lives.

One thing I try to think of is what kind of example I want to be for my children. Would I want them to get the tacit message that it's more important to get social approval than to protect your loved ones?

I'm really sorry that you are going through this. I hope your husband finds the inner strength to approach his parents as an adult protector of a child instead of their little boy--and simplifies this problem for you.

Adamantium summed it up pretty good. But I'll add this: If it was me, I'd ask any family member(s) whose become a problem to go through ASD classes so they can better understand what going on so that they can help your son. If they refuse, than that should be the end of their relationship with you and your son & husband. Anyone who can't be bothered to help and continues to do things that can hurt a little child with a disability simply shouldn't be in your lives.

Where is your husband in all of this?

Thank you everyone who replied.

I just want to say first of all that my husband really has been trying to stand up for this, there have been 4-5 serious talks, a few I was present, but a few times he has gone himself and I was thankful to not have to be there in that stressful situation.
During my pregnancy he gave the ultimatum that once this child is born, if they do not love (or at least fake it well) both equally that he will not bring over the one and not the other.

It is so hard to do because his parents renovated (over a few years) nearly his entire house, and "everything was perfect until I came along"
I moved in after the wedding, and was no longer ok with people just walking in and out the house without notice. After a talk it kept happening I told huby I want them to not have a key anymore and that is what send this whole thing down hill.
There was many disagreements, because they were adamant to finish the renos and I would say I wanted a certain (example) light fixture and they would purchase with their money a different one, and come in the house when we are away and mount it to the ceiling.

Basically Huby loved his parents, feels indebted to them, and their disrespect towards me and J ...is always linked with an action that could be seen as super kind.
For example, they come over with a big cooler of food for us, and a some building materials as we are doing floors, which is super kind but then treat my one son like is not even in the room, and there is clear tension between me and them as well...

I guess what Im battling with is at what point do we say that there is no point to talk to them anymore and we follow through with the ultimatum?

passive aggression is still aggression.

Is there anyway to sell the house and move somewhere inconveniently far off? I know that sounds crazy but having your in laws drop in and re arrange YOUR HOUSE is.... I hardly know how to put it.

They are violating all kinds of boundaries. This is the kind of thing NTs are supposed to understand and we are supposed to have trouble with!

If this is overly simplistic and seems patronizing, please forgive my clumsiness: I suggest doing a google search on "weak boundaries enmeshed grandparents" and reading up on this subject. You are not the first person to face this kind of thing and though their unacceptable treatment of your son is part of it, this pattern is bigger than that one set of relationships.

Good luck! Stay strong, happy and loving!

Have you and your husband considered explaining your situation and setting boundaries in writing? Sometimes it is easier to be clear about your expectations if you write them down - when DS was finally diagnosed, we wrote a long letter to our families and emailed it to everyone, explaining AS, how DS was affected, how we knew it was a diagnosis and not just bad behavior, and linked a lot of information like books, blogs, and Temple Grandin's TED speech.

There does come a point where you can't change people; you can invite them to change, explain why they should change (in this case, it will be because it is a) detrimental to the child they are biologically related to and b) detrimental to the child they are legally related to by adoption.) but it is up to them to change. If they can't accept your husband's adopted son as their grandson, I think there is no problem stating that you are a package deal or nothing.

I think, also, in the situations where they do something nice for the family but ignore your son, you might proactively suggest they correct it with a separate nice thing for your son. For instance, after the cooler incident, you could say "Wow, that is so nice of you to take care of the house and bring us food! You know, DS had mentioned he wants to go to (the movies, a swimming pool, etc.) and I was thinking that might be a good opportunity for you to get to know him better. We'll get a sitter for the baby and all go together." (Or maybe you could structure it as a Grandfather/Father/Son outing the first few times.)

Well, good suggestion. We actually sold that house and moved 3.5 hours away 3 weeks ago, right before the birth of our son.
It was like ... paradise ...the new farm house, the acreage and the animals, the new baby... then they showed up for a visit to meet the new addition and reality set in again.
I love both my kids more then live its self, and for someone to come into their house and cause a division in my family pulled me out of this euphoric state I was in.
I have tried for 3 days now to somehow break down what happened and find a proper place to store it but it is like a tornado whirling in the front of my head all day long. By the time they left I was shaking and crying because I realized with this behaviour neither son will ever have a loving grandma or grandpa. If they truly love the one, you can not hate the other because what is best for the one you love is peace, harmony and happy family meetings.

Can you please explain your last sentence?

Now that we have moved, there will be less contact for sure.

We have tried showing videos, I have verbally explained things like too much stimulus, melt downs, not understanding social etiquette that comes natural for other people.

I'm just ready to say no more....but part of me still feels like maybe we can fix this ... but how many times do you ask for acceptance before you feel like a joke?

I think boundaries are really important, and - after you have explained clearly why their behavior is harmful to your family (I really think doing it in writing is important, and making it come from both of you) - if their behavior doesn't change, making a polite if/then statement is a good way to set one.

For instance, "If you buy a present for baby, you must also buy an equally nice present for DS. If you do not, then we will tell both children that the present is a donation for Toys for Tots that you are making on their behalf."

"If you come to visit the baby, then you must also spend some time getting to know DS. He likes (board games, Nintendo, whatever) and you can play that with him for twenty minutes before dinner. If you don't want to play with DS, I will be happy to make dinner reservations for you elsewhere."

"If you want to stay here when you visit, you must split your time equally between your two grandchildren. Otherwise, you are welcome to find a hotel when you visit."

I found a post on a similar situation to yours - looks like the author thinks that boundaries are important: http://mommybites.com/col1/baby/ask-dr- ... avoritism/

Does your husband confront them while they are doing what they do? If (And I say, If, on purpose---because you would more justified to not want to do this.) you want to try again, this is what I would suggest.

1) Outline exactly what the new rules are --- everything --In writing (or email) as MomSparky said. That is perfect as there will be no confusion-
2) Your husband should tell them (in that same missive) that they either follow the rules or; if you are at their home or at a neutral site, you will leave. If they are at your home, you will kick them out.
3) Follow through.

If you and your husband are fed up (I would be) then tell them is writing that there will be no contact with you and the kids. If you want to leave the door open, still, as you clearly, understandably want to avoid estrangement, then your husband can tell them (also in writing or email) that they need to express contrition (to you and your husband, both) and agree to the required terms. Again, outline the consequences for failure to act like decent human beings. (Except, maybe do not say it like that)

I think moving 3.5 hours away will eventually solve 90% of your problems. Once the baby is no longer "brand new", you'll probably see very little of them.
I suggest you not keep a guest room. Let them sleep on a pullout couch in the living room when they visit. Better yet, an air mattress with a slow leak.

They sound like a bunch of a***holes.

OK, this is going to sound like a dumb question, but I am not sure how literally to interpret that. My last sentence was "Stay strong, happy and loving!"
I wrote this as a general expression of good wishes to you, your husband and your kids--and as an attempt to show a kind of fellow-feeling and solidarity in the face of the horrible situation you have described.

I would have thought that was somewhat self-evident and not needing explanation, so I am then wondering if the sort of closing sentiments including "good luck" are not to be counted as sentences? That would make the sentence you ar asking about this one: "You are not the first person to face this kind of thing and though their unacceptable treatment of your son is part of it, this pattern is bigger than that one set of relationships."

Hazarding a guess that this may be what you mean by "last sentence," I will explain that a little bit. If I misunderstood, just skip the rest!

What I had intended to convey was that the behavior of your in-laws as described fits a group of well documented patterns of family dysfunction. Part of this can be seen as the problem of "helicopter grandparents" but much more of it has to do with poorly defined personal boundaries in your husbands family. There is a ton of information about these issues out there in all forms from technical scholarly research to pop psychology write ups to blogs and forums.

These kind of boundary issues are often associated with other problems such as alcohol and substance abuse and because a lot of awareness of these dysfunctional family dynamics emerged from substance abuse treatment and support programs like AA and Alanon, the concepts associated with the term "codependency" became a common lens through which people examine these issues.

One of the ideas that goes with the concept of weak personal boundaries is the idea of enmeshment. My understanding of this is that you are representing two people as two entities which should have discrete edges in a healthy state instead having edges that are so indistinct and porous that the two are partly merged, enmeshed, with parts now within the edges of the other. This is very bad for both--that's a sort of geometric model for a more complicated psychological situation, but it seems to be pretty effective in conveying the idea.

For people in such an enmeshed relationship, the phrase "mind your own business" has no meaning. No letters are private. No diary goes unread. No privacy is allowed. From such a context, the kind of unacceptable, intrusive behavior you have described seems normal.

And it gets weirder: Because people in that kind of system don't really distinguish between internal states and external issues, they think behavior and thought is another object to be managed in the environment. The kind of behavior you describe in their unequal treatment of the children would not only not seem wrong to such people, it would be a natural way of rewarding acceptable behavior and punishing unacceptable behavior.

Because such people are confused about the difference between internal and external, they will find it hard to believe that something like autism exists. To acknowledge that there might be different neurologies and different ways of thinking and reacting to things is unacceptable because it depends on an understanding that there is such a thing as an inner life that is categorically different than the external world of objects.

People who are in this state are often trying to avoid dealing with some problems that they perceive as existentially threatening, so they will go to extreme lengths to reject perspectives that might bring them into confrontation with those problems, or even to recognize the existence of those problems.

But this is huge topic and I can only just dip into the surface of it. I probably am not articulating it well and can't possibly talk about the breadth and depth of these ideas in a post. That's why I suggested googling those words. There is a ton of information out there about intrusive grandparents with boundary problems and a ton of stuff about dealing with a spouse from an enmeshed family--and an ocean of stuff about boundary issues, dysfunctional families and codependency.

The good part about this is that many people have faced these situations before and are sharing stories and ideas about what helps and doesn't help in coping with family with these problems.

So I hope that was too long-winded or off the mark. And I hope that things get better for you.

I think the 3.5 hour distance will really help, but your husband still has a lot of work to do in redefining the boundaries between his birth family and the family he has made with you.

I am so sorry. Sadly, this happened with my son and my brother/his wife. She is still just as bad and rude to my son. I can't stand her. My brother, after many talks, has realized he too is on the spectrum and has softened up a bit. This issue with our kids is ridiculous, especially when it is family members. It gets my blood boiling.

My only suggestion is to stay away from all of them. That is exactly what I did and continue to do. It has been over 12 years and nothing has changed.

So your in-laws have decided to shun your son. Sounds like moving was the right thing to do. Don't forget that they're not getting any younger and time will soon take care of the problem. As your son is not related to them, there is no reason for him to spend time with them. Especially if they are being rude to him. Honestly, I would quietly make your son and yourself scarce when they are around. The less exposure to them the better. Obviously they'll want to see their grandbaby, but there is no need for you or your son to be there.