Why am I accepted as an aspie but many aren't?

Post Reply New Topic

A lot of you say you get treated unfairly by NTs.

When I was in about 11-14 I was badly bullied but nowadays everyone accepts me. I used to go to a club with people I went to school with and had shutdowns and meltdowns sometimes but nobody had ever mocked me, but neither was anyone suprised. I'm quite shocked that nobody would be mean to me actually.

People don't crowd me though and try to make me act like them either which is good.

Also even if I share opinions that I know might be controversial no one ever disagrees in a mean way.

Do you think people respect me or something or maybe do they think I'm not worth their time? I'm not telling all this to brag but if I can find why people do actually accept me then I could help you guys too. It's odd because for a while I thought people were supposed to all hate me and it's different now.

You're not alone. I also don't get bad treatment or face mean people or intolerant ones. I wonder how do aspies here find all these mean people. We must be lucky. I have not faced a lot of ignorance since I have left high school. Every now and then I might run into an ass but that is pretty normal in life. Some people are just not nice.

Maybe you're around the right people, and perhaps you have a warm sort of personality that makes people not want to be mean but instead just accept you. After all, you're another person just like them, and so they aren't always going to be mean.

I've volunteered with some bitchy NTs that humiliated me and couldn't handle some of the social quirks I had, and rather than just seeing it as the way I am, they decided to dislike me for it and drive me out of the voluntary job. But where I work now I am more accepted; people are nice to me and are friendly, maybe there are one or two who seem to think they can look down their noses at me and not want to associate themselves with me, but where I work is a big place with lots of employees and the vast majority of them get along with me and don't really think I'm ''weird''. They're the sort of people I need to be around. I can't be bothered with bitchy people. It's just a shame that we can't always choose who we work with, which is what is putting me off finding a new job, but at the same time I don't really like the work I am doing and I want to move on and do something different, with more pay.

I think the main reason you're lucky, is because you're a female, and guys see this as an opportunity for mating. BE CAREFUL! The reason people are nice to you is because you have something they want to exploit, like sex.

Generally, people were not mean to me either.

I would be interested to know how much of a correlation there is to this and one's situation regarding social setting and who you are surrounded by.

Here's my guess:

If you are perhaps young, are still living in the town or city or neighborhood where you've always lived, more or less, and are still surrounded by peers who grew up with you, by family who have known you since you were born, and even by storekeepers, doctors and others who have always known you, the acceptance has grown and now stays because these people have always been around you.

On the other hand, if you are perhaps older, and you've either relocated, perhaps several times during the course of life; or even if you've stayed in the same place but lost friends and family due to death, others moving away, etc, and in your present life you find yourself surrounded by mostly people who have not in fact know you for very long at all, that's where all kinds of non-acceptance and meanness comes in.

Also if you live in a small town as opposed to a big city. There's more anonymity in a big city, which may mean you're left alone and not singled out, but at the same time random strangers can be meaner if you cross the wrong person, even if you don't mean to.

By contrast in a smaller town everyone knows everyone better and may feel held accountable more.

My own example:

I'm middle aged and I am surrounded by people in my life by people who have only known me a few years. They are not my family nor people I grew up with. I'm a peripheral person to them because they've got all their loved ones in place. I'm the newcomer and I don't matter to anyone.

For the record I'm female and I DO in fact have an exceedingly warm personality in real life, with people who encounter me. Most people who meet me think I'm a very sweet person, and warm. But I still get people being shockingly, appallingly hateful to me. Someone put a hateful anonymous note through my door. My fellow tenants think I'm a serial killer just because I value my privacy. Most people who get in a longer conversation with me either try to take advantage of me in some way, ask rude questions because they think I'm nice enough to not need to be respected, or start rolling their eyes at my repetitive conversation and start treating me as stupid even though I'm actually pretty smart.

I'm also short, look young for my age, and have a childish voice, so people treat me with zero respect sometimes because they genuinely don't know they're dealing with a middle aged woman. I recently received quite shocking disrespect from a nurse in the ER, who belittled me completely.

You don't have to be a bad, cold, mean person yourself to get treated badly, coldly and mean. You just have to be nobody anyone's known long enough to give a sh!t about, or someone that somebody takes against for their own warped reasons.

As many have said who you are surrounded by means a lot. Also the the idea that Autistics can't be nice people or being Autistic makes you automatically unintentionally or intentionally rude is false (that spectrum thing again).

My parents and most people I know accept me for who I am, and I can't understand why other people don't. I guess I'm just lucky.

Hm. Well I've moved home a lot. I think if anyone disrespected me they'd regret it because I don't allow that kind of thing. I used to be too nice to people; maybe because I'm more assertive now that's why things are good?

Well there is something to that -- I know that during a long period of my life when I had learned to be more assertive, I got less random disrespect.

But even then, there would still arrive isolated incidents of someone being a dick to me.

What you have to remember is that even though it's true that a lot of what we are, what we present, and how we work on the way we come across has the power to change what others say and do toward us -- I would never deny that truth -- you always STILL have other people's own "stuff" that make them treat another person a certain way regardless of whatever that other person would normally inspire.

A lot of "blame the victim" ideation is put on people, when they are told if they would only be more this or more that, they wouldn't get treated badly, to put it simply.

But in all that ideation, nobody remembers that it's not always about what you put out there. The other half of the equation is that someone else is also responsible for whether they are a mean spirited piece of crap or not -- to anyone.

To say "If you're more assertive you would never get disrespected" is as overly simplistic as saying "If you had never worn sexy clothing you wouldn't have gotten raped" or "If you had been a better wife you wouldn't have gotten battered by your violent husband."

Other people have their own stuff and it's not always about what you did or failed to do.

Also, about making someone "regret it" if they disrespect you -- that can have consequences that come back on you. Try making my landlords "regret it" for being dicks to me -- they're the ones with the power to just evict me if they want to. Then I'm homeless and experiencing many more troubles than just feeling disrespected.

To the extent that I'm able, I have stood up to them as far as making it clear I "don't allow" someone to just walk all over me. But there's a limit to how much "regret" I can inflict on them before it's going to be bad for ME in the long run.....

You have to pick your battles in life.

I have been through a massive emotional trauma that destroyed my self esteem, and I'm struggling hard to build myself back to the place of strength I had before, inside and also in my circumstances. But even when I was a strong person I could draw the fire of someone with an axe to grind. And that's THEIR stuff. Never forget that crap coming at you is often more to do with that other person causing it than anything you are being or not being.

If you are finding that nobody in your world is a bad experience, ever, then that's lovely for you. But don't blame others for the fact that they still encounter crap from various people. It's not always something they are doing wrong or deserving of.

I'm one of the few luckily (widely) accepted person. Even respected and loved, though I wish they understand sometimes... I only 'act' when someone demands me to act 'professionally'; like the BS things in a job interview. At least I'm not forced to participate in any stupid dramas.

In my childhood, since children are usually bunch of ignorant bigots, they don't accept me. I could say the same in my teen years.
But in this present, no one dares to insult me. Some even revere me for whatever reason they have in mind. I don't like if people fear me; I would know if someone fears me.

And in all of those timelines, most people outside my age group doesn't seem to mind if I'm different or not. Especially the adults, and very more so if they have experiences from abroad, knowing what culture shock feels like...
For all I know is that I didn't do anything wrong, and I have no malice intentions in mind.


But truly, it boils down within the cultures you grew up with, the individuals you end up with, and self.

Gained Number Post Count (1).
Lose Time (n).

Lose more time here - Updates at least once a week.

The whole question of how other people react to a person is actually a profoundly complicated matter.

Because there are thousands of tiny perceptions many people make about another person which they don't even realize is causing them to form opinions of that person.

Not all of those opinions or first impressions are going to be accurate. Someone's impressions of you -- and of how they should treat you -- are not actually entirely dependent on YOU, but in fact have a lot to do with that person's own baggage.

Their history, their outlook on life, their self esteem, their hot button emotional issues.

You can and should do your part to be a decent, confident and assertive person. But the fact is, STILL you are not wholly responsible for someone else's reaction to you. Because they bring their own baggage to the situation.

Nobody is immune from getting free floating random crap thrown at them. The more confident person will deal with it better, the less confident person will be more easily wounded. But nobody is above getting someone being an asshat to them at some point, about something, even if it's only a random stranger in a very big city where everyone is already tense and ass- holey anyway. I certainly live in a place where people are more tense in general, and some of them unfortunately take that out on each other at times.

I live in a building where one member of staff is a person with issues; she's bitter and I feel she is bordering on being a sociopath. She has taken her problems out on people in the building who did nothing to deserve it. I am one of only a very long list.

Sorry, but that's got nothing to do with me. Now, I HAVE carefully stood up to this person and the treatment has quieted down somewhat. But I'm still not responsible for her having taken against me just for her own petty reasons.

There are some things a person brings upon themselves, but there are also some things they do NOT, because as long as you've got someone else's psychological issues in the equation, you've got onus on their part in things too.

I think there are a lot of factors that affect how well-accepted a given Aspie is.

First, there's the nature of the other people. You can fall in with a "good" lot or a "bad" lot. I guess "good" characteristics would be a non-judgemental outlook, general friendliness and co-operativity, patience, sincerity, loyalty, respectfulness, compassion, and good people skills (I know NTs are supposed to be the ones with the people skills, but in my experience it's far from universal). I've also noticed that I do better in heterogenous or multi-cultural groups, because it's harder for them to notice that I'm different from them, so I don't get singled out as a weirdo. Similarly, people who are themselves eccentric or nonconformist tend to like me more than mainstreamers would. And there's nothing like a common purpose or interest for helping people to bond - indeed, without it, I doubt that any group would be able to stay harmonious at all.

Second, there's the nature of the Aspie. We're said to have social impairments, but we still have personalities, so all the characteristics I listed for "the other people" apply to the Aspie too. Social motivation is important, and so is the ability and willingness to learn. It's amazing how much progress can be made if you really want to understand what makes people tick and how to live in peace and harmony with them. Then there's the question of how quickly the Aspie is diagnosed, and the quality of any adjustments made.

Third, there's the luck of the draw. Most of us start by getting put into schools, we get surrounded by random children who might be kind or cruel. If they're cruel, there usually aren't enough teachers around to police the fights that may take place, and the teachers themselves are of mixed ability and personality type. I guess some Aspies never recover from bad experiences in their formative years. Even after school is done, we tend to get put into jobs and careers where we have little control over the kind of people we're exposed to. Few people have the luxury of finding out whether they're going to fit in socially when they're choosing a job. The same can be true of where we end up living.

For me and my brother, we're treated rather differently because of how we present. The only time I get mean people is if I refuse to be used by manipulative people. The instant I stand up against someone, or speak out about something I'm passionate about and don't back down, that's when I get the meanness.

As a kid, I was the quiet and meek one, very passive, super follower, but if I spoke up about something (like answering questions on a tour) I would get yelled at and insulted for being a "know-it-all." And of course if you correct an adult, that's like blasphemy. I don't think it's the fact I'm on the spectrum itself that's been the problem, but being a "smarty-pants" that's given me the most hate. Growing up, anyway. Adults seem to be able to get away with that a lot more.

Now, I get the most flak for having different ideas about things. I don't get many problems in person anymore at least... of course that may have to do with the fact I've severely limited my social contact to almost nothing. In college, people were fine with me as long as I kept quiet... same online. As long as I keep quiet, I'm fine. Too bad I like to shoot my mouth off online and occasionally in person.

My brother is the opposite. He has no inhibitions, really. He speaks his mind whenever, wherever, and to whoever and doesn't care who he offends. He's loud and brash, and frankly can come off as a sanctimonious jerk because he thinks he knows everything (because often times he does...). Because of that, he's rarely had friends and even our own extended family has had a hard time loving him. He was always getting in trouble, even for things he didn't do or had nothing to do with, because he was the favored target. He was an easy target, because no one questioned the accusers, because they could believe my brother could have done it.