Hello everyone
If you are interested in HC version of war & peace please read on!
I am new to the forum. I was recently diagnosed with Aspergers although I always knew I had it. I hope to find some friends and also advice/aspie perspectives on things that other people/friends just can't understand. I know many people try to be helpful which I genuinely appreciate, however much advice I receive is like a catflap in a submarine....... mainly because I just don't function or think the same way as NT' s or possibly anyone else at all.
I love all animals and was training to be a veterinary surgeon, but unfortunately I could not afford to finish my veterinary degree. My whole family are dead so I have no emotional/financial help and I have no access to government or bank loans etc. A five and a half year degree, to include tuition fees and living expenses, is a lot to pay for in cash! I used my life savings from a job I hated, including selling my home, but with the recession I lost everything. Animals & medicine are my primary special interests, so I was top of my class, won a top international scholarship, prize for my thesis (which I wrote in year 3 - most students write it in their final year) etc but to no avail. I am not trying to be arrogant or boastful as NT' s always think - just factual in describing the most important thing in my world - like I would be describing my height, weight etc. So, here I am now unemployed and desperate to find work, particularly something I can cope with, without daily self harm. Office type work is something I can't cope with which seems to make me virtually unemployable, particularly since most UK jobs require some sort of qualifications. Even a job with animals cleaning up urine & faeces for minimum wage often requires a college NVQ and being shortsighted, employers don't count my veterinary degree as I didn't complete it. I can't afford to do additional qualifications so I am not sure how to proceed to get any job. Being honest, I don't want to work with animals (other than charity work) as it would break my heart that I was so close to a happy, fulfilling career & life but just missed out.
I don't have any face to face friends, though I value my internet friends massively. I am now a recluse and apart from visits to my Dr have no human contact. I find it very hard to leave the house too. Having no face to face human/verbal contact is very relaxing for me and really lowers my stress level so I don't see it as a bad thing. When I am outside (or even on the TV) I do see people with their kids, family & friends and they seem so happy and I know I have missed out on a massive part of the experience of being human. I have never considered myself human though. I am not lonely, but I wish I could have some happiness. Yes, I know that is totally in my hands, but after decade upon decade of trying my heart out in a world that is against me & impossible to navigate in so many ways - well there is nothing of me left to keep fighting & trying. Having a career I love and was good at would have given me so much, in so many ways - doing something intellectually interesting, fulfilling via helping people&animals, having human contact, earning money & supporting myself - it is still hard to accept it is not to be. All of my class have graduated and are working now except for me and I still feel heartbroken. I have always enjoyed charity work, but currently am too depressed to be reliable/leave the house.
My NT friends would freak out and scream the next paragraph is triggering, stop being selfish etc so please skip if sensitive. For me it is just practical, everyday life that I need advice on 're dealing with NT's.
I have my 2 cats who are my entire world, however they are old - 1 is dying and the other also very ill. I know if I cannot find a reason to live by the time they die then I will euthanize myself on the last ones death. I see nothing wrong with this. I am a total failure and drain on society. I am too sick to do charity work any longer and I doubt I will ever be able to find work and pay taxes again - unless by some miracle I can find a job I enjoy. I hate being alive and I have tried everything in my power to improve my life but nothing works and I have no hope now. If I enjoyed life or had hope my circumstances could significantly change that would be different - but I genuinely don't think life can improve for me. I have no family whatsoever and few friends who would never know/be informed (particularly if I say I can't afford internet any more (true anyway) then they would not be expecting to hear from me again) so I will hurt no-one & accusations of selfishness I think are inaccurate in my situation. I live in relative poverty - for example this winter I will not be able to afford any heating and food is limited. I can't afford any hobbies or interests, other than reading and my internet which is my luxury. I don't know enough about the forum to know if this sort of discussion is inappropriate, if it is I apologise. I can't talk to my friends about these things online and as I don't know how most NT' s think I don't want to make a mistake and hurt them. I mean maybe some of them would rather I told them so I could say goodbye??? Maybe some would rather never know? Maybe everyone is different? I am not suicidal and have no intention of killing myself until the cats die so will live for a good few months or even years yet. I do need to plan ahead though.
Sorry for such a long post and sorry if anything is inappropriate. Maybe I should have put bits and pieces on the correct place on the forum. I just would rather be rejected/ told to go away in one post though and I just didn't have the strength/courage to go searching
26 Jul 2015, 1:12 pm
I have been too depressed to post the last couple of days, but feel better today. I hope you are both well 
