Very functional and very tired.

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Hullo there.
I am wondering where should I start. I am not certain if I am on the spectrum; I am markedly better off than many people out there, and other people consider me fairly succesful. My life is that of being bullied, misadjustment and misunderstanding, but for a long time I thought the reason is that I've been identified as gifted very early in life (taught myself alphabet at 2.5, to read at three and very verbal). Only after I went abroad to study it turned out how lost I am when deprived of my routines and context, and how disastrous are relations with people that do not know my quirks. It ended up in depression/anxiety issues for which I never seeked adequate help. I began looking around to figure out what's wrong and how to circumvent it, for I a moment I thought I had ADHD. One professional said I seem to have ASD traits, but I certainly don't have the syndrome, I am just nerdy. Am I really that good or just masking? As a female, I might be masking. I kind of hit the intellectual milestones a few years earlier than my peers, but social and emotional ones ten years later. I’ve heard the phrase “you have such potential, if you’d only…” so often in the past that it makes me shudder. I look young. Year after year I congratulate myself that I have acquired some abilities of making small talk, or organizing myself, keeping the flat adequately clean or learning how to drive. Things a 18 year old should do without a thought, and I’m well over thirty. Or avoiding huge people crises at work (if I find a female mentor, an older colleague, I am usually good, she shields me and I copy her, I am immensely grateful for the existence of such wonderful people). Simple stuff is difficult. The difficult stuff is fairly easy.
So far I’ve managed to become a successful adult person, as in, married, with a job (hopefully it stays that way) and other adult things that are less important but I think of them as scout proficiency badges. Better late than never. But I’m tired. Very, very tired. It takes a toll, as my job is not easy, and things that should be easy aren’t. Soon I’ll be thinking about babies and I think I might be too tired to cope. And I want ones.
Thing is I don’t know if I should seek any help. Around me people have serious problems. As in, very serious. Depression or severe anxiety that make them barely functional, and in our friend group, we help. And they get professional help, and I feel bad to think I should make a fuss over how I feel with my problems. I probably needed help those years ago I was abroad, but survived, and the evil thing is that I get envious with my sibling getting help now for a similar problem - I was just expected to deal with it, as that gifted and proficient sibling (sheesh!). So I did, and he didn’t, and I should feel sorry, not envious. And I feel I’m evil.
So I don’t even know if I have ASD. I might be too NT to be one. I certainly had some anxiety, and was a weird nerdy girl. Twenty years ago most symptoms would match, but was it because I was isolated from peers? Was it severe enough, or just in my head? Was it upbringing? Is it even important? And what to do to continue being a responsible adult and not to crash/fail job out of tiredness?

Get a professional diagnosis - don't worry what it is, but be sure you see someone who does have experience with Aspergers (even if that is not a DSM V diagnosis). Go to a psychiatrist (MD) or psychologist (Ph.D. or Psy.D.). Then, get some counseling either to help with your diagnosed issues, or just in general.

I see you as possibly headed for a nervous breakdown, not if you get help but quite possible if you do not.

Be glad you have so many positives in your story, but start getting some mental health care. It never hurts!

I can tell you from experience that you can get used to masking or acting or pretenting to be normal. I fooled myself into thinking I had it figured out while underneath it was very exhausting to be doing that all the time, and it did catch up to me big time eventually. So you are in better shape then me in knowing it is hurting you.

Aging makes everybody more tired. If you add faking it constantly it can speed up this process greatly.

So I think Bea's advice is good.

I identify with many aspects of your story. In my twenties I wondered if I had ME as I couldn't work out why I was so tired.

Getting a diagnosis, one way or the other, should help you make sense of it. It won't make the issues go away but at least understanding them will allow you to manage better.

I went on to have 3 kids. It was hard (still is, youngest is now 9) and I say to everyone think about what it means to have kids. All you see in the press is pictures of happy mummy and little content baby. Friends will only say how great it is - it's not PC it seems to admit it's hard. The reality is very different - highs and lows all the way:)

I love my kids and I'm not saying don't have them; just go into it with your eyes open.

I wished I'd had them a bit later and done some travelling with my husband first. Didn't want to wait though in case of fertility issues so in the end had my son at 27.

I only know I am hurting (instead of wondering what the hell is wrong with my life) because we talk with my husband, and as he's a warm person, he somehow makes me more human. He (gently) bounces back things I say or do and makes me realize I did it. I learned to recognize my own emotions only after we lived together for some years (we married recently, but we're together for a long time). I don't really feel I am aging. I feel like I'm barely out of prolonged and painful adolescence and can't figure out what to do. This is wonderful you had a baby at 27, at this age I was mentally and financially a disaster and still living with my parents. It's not unusual where I live though because of the economy. So instead of having babies, I went on having a PhD. It was very hard, but getting a driving license was way harder, which is sort of telling how my life looks like. Which paid off because now I am employed - we're both employed (he's younger and had his own set of trouble) - and only now, when my fertility window starts to close, we start trying for a baby.
I should be probably getting a diagnosis/help as you say.

Sounds like you've got a great husband!

It's not fair we're up against the clock in terms of fertility but that's the way it is.

I wish you all the best whatever you decide.

Yes, he's a very good person
Although we do argue sometimes, and over petty stuff. But then we get over it.
Nobody is perfect, I guess.
We're two geeky oddballs, and none of us would probably make it on our own. Together we're stronger. My family did not understand it until only recently. My dad had unreasonably high standards for my future spouse, I mean somewhere in between corporate manager/crown prince/whatever, and I had to deal with the complaining for years. It did not help while we weren't financially stable. It took a bad family crisis for him to notice that my husband is actually ok.

Faking 'normalicy' and being functional all the time is very stressful and tiering.

It is important to start mental healthcare before you can't do without. Once you are in, you can see any problems (breakdowns, depressions and the like) coming from further ahead, and it is easier to increase the amount of guidance than it is to start in the first place, especially with waiting lists.

As Arthur stated: get a professional diagnosis for anything, a referral and start the process.
In my case, simply having someone to talk to/complain against did wonders for my sanity and made me realise that i wasn't actually nearing a depression, but already was mildly depressed, so be careful about spending the energy you have left.

I think being tired is a legitimate complaint. Not that it should be a contest.

I did not realize until I had a baby that it kind of forces you to remember growing up, which is hard if you had a difficult childhood. So it can create all kinds of worry and anxiety. I'm so glad I had children though!

Hi, Welcome to WrongPlanet

And even if it turns out that your merely Spectrum-Friendly or Spectrum-Lite, in my book you're very welcome and have a lot to potentially contribute to our community.

Do you have sensory issues?

This can be a little hard to determine since each of us only have our own internal experience. For example, does a buzzing fluorescent light or an moving icon on a computer screen on another desk but still in your field a vision, or a room with a moldy, musky smell, or too recent use of cleaning chemicals seem to bother you more than the average person?

PS no such thing as 'normal' and how boring a place the world would be if there were!

I'm not a big believer in mental health professionals. I'm sorry, I'm not.

I haven't had good experiences, nor have a fair number of people here at WP. In fairness, other people here have.

In some ways, I think their training actually works against them. You get this kind of flat, passive, one-dimensional interaction in which the professional is expected to know the answer and that's pretty much the end of any two-way conversation. Plus, there's often this authoritarian aspect in which you are expected to go along.

Honest to gosh, I often think a bartender or hair stylist with some life experience who wants to help would be better at coaching and counseling because they are not hindered by the 'training.'

Or perhaps someone who does shiatsu massage and who mainly does that, but listens and gives a little advice along the way, in part because their ego is not all wrapped up in being 'right' and being 'professional' and all that stuff.

And for depression and/or anxiety where a situational downward spiral can become biochem, a person has a choice whether to go to a psychiatrist or a general practitioner (internist or family practitioner). Especially since it's trial and error in a respectful sense, just that everyone's biochem tends to be a little different.

Yup Nowadays I often wonder if I'm just something that happens when two engineers have babies. I think that my parents are more Aspie than me, but they were brought up in simpler times and just did not have to deal with things we do. Spectrum-Lite is a good name for it. Edit (aw shucks, I just noticed your age being just a few years less than my parents. Possibly you have different views on that)
I'm sensitive to pain/touch, which is a real bother when I go to a doctor or to pedicure, or choosing clothes and shoes. Combined with sensitivity to smell (working in the lab has desensitized me over time though) makes me a picky eater and a bother at home, when I declare that something smells of mold (I try to be polite about that) and I have to do laundry of that particular piece of clothes three times, and my husband just sighs.

These are things that others commented on. Other senses are in the range that doesn't bother me too much, or is noticeable to others, I just get tired over time with too much ambient noise (lab centrifuges/freezers...). I make a point to shop mostly in a middle-sized local supermarket, and avoid noisy environments; cinemas are too loud (I still go there with my friends, just need to recover afterwards). Though I don't percieve it as a sensitivity - children react in a similar way. I think this is normal, it's just most people have hearing impairment nowadays.
My eyes aren't too sensitive, I think.

Edit: I am also always tense, in a way that my muscles are like they never rest. This is not sensory, and I think this is something beyond anxiety, I can be that way even when I feel peaceful. I have to consciously think about relaxing those muscles. I have no idea why that happens. I tried some pilates and that seems to make me better, but only for a while.

This was an answer to the previous post
I was at two appointments a few years ago. One specialist was overbooked and I couldn't make in time she had free slots.
The other though... (shudder) I think I was the normal one in the room. She was a believer in Hellinger theory and insinuated that the source of my problems is a dead/aborted mystery child in my mom's or grandma's life. This was crazy enough, and additionally I happen to know my grandma's and mom's health very well, because they were concerned with mine, and no dead kids, nope. I just nodded politely and never saw the woman again.

There are good specialists though, I just have to muster some energy to find one.

Hi Plush, thanks for the followups to your original post. I like knowing how the rest of the story turns out!

If you are anything like me and like my [Aspie] daughter, the muscle stiffness is something you will have to work on routinely. Let me tell you, if you don't, you can easily end up with a chronic pain syndrome. Yoga, pilates, really any form of exercise, and meditation or systematic physical relaxation techniques can help with this, but you have to do them, regularly and forever. Massage can be effective in achieving the same thing but for most of us, is not cost-effective except as an occasional splurge.

That Hellinger therapist... good thing somebody had some common sense! But as you know, they're not all like that!

Oh, that means I have to stop slacking and go back to pilates. It's a certified school and it's good. Perhaps it will also make me feel less tired.
Being touched by people whom I don't know very well is a big no-no.
Knowing me I will slack with going to the therapist until the point I will finally expect a baby and then it will feel much more immediate.

Dear Plush,

I identified so much with what you said in the original post. I'm turning 39 later this year and still feel as if my life is yet to begin. Extended study (with very mixed success) and work environments that attract outsiders (cruise ships, universities, newsrooms) only delayed the inevitable realisation that, yes, I'm actually totally different, and really not good at (or very interested in) being one of those "adult" creatures. It was an enormous shock, really. I can be an adult, and I do a fairly good impression of one, but the role play bores me to tears, and it's very tiring.

I also have siblings with "real" issues, and managed far too well academically at a young age to warrant any attention. ("Oh, you carry a book everywhere with you to avoid conversation, battle to maintain friendships, feel enormous anxiety every time you go to school, are cripplingly shy, often have a facial expression that doesn't match your feelings, and can't organise your possessions or your time? That's okay, because you're such a CLEVER girl!") I was also one of those gifted, highly verbal kids and taught myself to read.

I have two kids, 10 and 6, and they have really helped me to structure my life, because I would rather die than fail them. But it's so very exhausting keeping the show running. I have constant terrible anxiety, battle to get work done (I do academic editing), have let most of my friendships fizzle out, and am starting to live in a very defensive way (for example, I only wear denim and black, because that way I can avoid making choices about clothing, and because shopping for any other clothes makes my head want to explode). I "help" people pathologically, to my complete and utter detriment, and have ended up in a relationship that isn't working at all (for me, but is working okay for everyone else). I'm basically giving everyone energy I don't have. My kids are totally entitled to it, and I give it gladly to them. Everyone else ...

So what am I saying, really? I don't know. You're not alone. Kids are wonderful, and can help with structure, because they provide a very high level of motivation to get one's life together. And if you have a reasonable understanding of your own issues before having them, that's a really good thing. Perhaps find a way to keep your energy for the things that matter. Make time, amid all the adulting, for the things that really resonate with who you are and that can charge you up with so much energy and happiness that you will have the additional resources to deal with the challenging stuff.

Sorry for going on and on! I wish you the very best.