My 7yr old won't tie up her jacket

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My 7yr old daughter Caitlin is bad for not wanting a jacket on, even in wintertime when its snowing and freezing temperatures but I usually persuade her to wear it by saying "but you like your waterproof jacket, it keeps you warm".
Once it's on, I then say to her " please tie up the zip and buttons now" but she ignores me so, I zip and button up the jacket which isn't easy because she fidgets/wriggles about but I DO get it tied up.

I am the only parent with a 7yr old that has to tie up my child's coat which I am sick of having to do but, if I don't do it, it would stay wide open and be flapping which I don't like, a jacket has zips and buttons for a reason which I always tell Caitlin.

At School, she isn't allowed outside until her jacket is on and fully tied up (zipped and buttoned to chin level), reason for that is because teachers don't want kids coming into class with soaking wet uniforms or complaining of being frozen.

I am a childminder so on certain days I have more kids to walk to/from school and who, without fuss, fasten their jackets which their parents support me on.

Does your daughter know how to zip and button jackets?
Is she able to do it but ignores you, or does she have difficulty doing it and ignores you because she finds it too hard to do?

She can zip and button her jacket, I know that because the teacher tells me that she does it at school herself so it is her ignoring me

What does your daughter find challenging?

Perhaps a conversation with the teacher would be helpful. It may be intentional, but even so, she is communicating something. It would be helpful to know whether she has problems communicating, or with fine motor skills, or with following directions. I would ask the teacher what he or she thinks is different at school.

I am assuming you and/or your child has been diagnosed with or you suspect autism?

My daughter was poor with shoe tying and her fine motor skills scored low, but it wasn't obvious, and it turned out she had confusion about left and right that was a big problem.

If you really feel your child is bad, then I suppose you will need to find what would motivate her to be good. That should work if you identify a real motivator and if she is able to do what you want and if she is understanding and not feeling overwhelmed.

If your daughter has autism, could it be that the reason she keeps leaving the jacket open is because she has sensory issues from having it all zipped up?

When I was a child I never liked my coat closed either, even on very cold days. It made me feel trapped somehow. It was an unusual type of sensory annoyance to me.

It may be that she's not just "being bad" but that there's something about being all closed up and zippered up in that coat, that gives her sensory irritations.

Waterfalls and BirdInFlight, it certainly is NOT Autism or sensory issues because we have had her tested for that.

To Waterfalls, she is well good at following instructions at school and is the cleverest and most well behaved child in her Class.

Even at home, she follows my instructions well, when I ask her to do her homework, get ready for school etc she does it straight away without any fuss.

She ties her own shoelaces so its certainly not sensory issue.

Regarding communication, she is a very good talker, especially when with friends, she is easy to understand and talks for a long time.

Ok, you are welcome here I am just curious why you are posting at Wrong Planet as it's hard to answer intelligently and relevantly without a better idea the reason? Are you on the spectrum?

I am confused.

She does have Aspergers but not Autism.

I am just worried about being the only parent that has to zip and button my 7yr olds jacket in public, it is embarrassing for me and must certainly be embarrassing for Caitlin too .

I have tried talking to her and asking her why she won't zip/button her jacket but she stays silent and stares at me. I have even asked her friends to speak to her but when they do, she either blanks them or changes the subject.

I am just confused as to why she'll do it herself at school but at home, I do it for her.

If you can get past needing her to do it when you ask she might be able to tell you. But she might not. I would not think she isn't essayist embarrassed yet, perhaps she will be as she gets older but not now. Children who want to be her friend would be naturally pretty accepting otherwise they would not want to be her friend.

Sometimes girls will "mother" girls who have autism or Aspergers and guide them toward socially more accepted actions. My suggestion is to think about all of the things she is doing well and decide how important this is. She may need the extra feeling of being supported to help her be independent, and push for too much normality from her, you may see he go backward. From what you wrote, best behaved and smartest.....she is trying hard, you're probably doing a great job loving her and parenting her, maybe sh is where she should be?

No 7 year old who has Aspergers will be perfect in every way, no child is perfect in every way, no person is perfect in every way. She actually sounds pretty great. I think she will learn.....and if she doesn't, it won't actually hurt her as an adult she can close her coat or leave it open, either can be ok unless she is in the coldest climate, and there are many style choices she might be able to adjust better to.

Aspergers is autism.

It's a form of autism on the higher functioning end of the autism spectrum.



I don't mean that the actual act of tying, zipping or buttoning the coat creates a sensory issue; I mean that perhaps the coat being all closed up on her body might be causing her sensory issues.

I'm not sure why she closes up her coat when asked to do so in school, but won't do it when you ask her. Maybe because she thinks the only reason you insist on it is because it's become a battle of wills, while at school the person expecting her to do it has no axe to grind about it?

What BirdinFlight said. Aspergers is on the autism spectrum and doesn't even exist as a separate diagnosis even more here in the states. So, it could completely be related to her diagnosis. Have you asked her directly why she won't fasten her coat up with you?

Um Asperger's is autism, it's a form of it and besides, AS isn't even a diagnoses anymore, they have merged everything to ASD now and made level 1 to level 3 of it.

Find out why she only does it at school, what does the teacher do that makes her do it at school.

Have you tried to stop enabling her by refusing to zip it or button it up for her?

The issue here is that you want her to zip her coat up and she does not like it that way. She may not feel cold. As others have said it may be a sensory issue (it feels uncomfortable to her---which is not the same as having motor skill issues and being unable to do it) At school, it is not worth the hassle to fight it perhaps, but she has higher expectations of you being understanding about it than she does for her teachers. This is not a bad thing. In my world this would not be a fight worth fighting, unless the weather was very bad, but obviously you think differently. Maybe having it half done up would be an acceptable compromise.

If you are not willing to be more flexible b/c you think she will be too cold, or get wet then i would explain it to her. Kids with autism/Asperger's tend to be more responsive to reason than rhetorical question type explanations like, "Why do you think there are buttons and zippers on your coat?"

Depending on her, she may or may not be embarrassed about you zipping her coat for her in public. Either way, if she is uncomfortable enough with her coat zipped, she may be willing to suffer the social consequences even if you are not. If you feel that she must have her jacket done up, then I would do it in private, just in case.

Another thing, if your daughter is like me, maybe she does it at school because the rule is all kids cannot go outside unless their jackets are zipped or buttoned up. She wants to go outside and play so of course she will do it. But at home you don't make her do it and don't really enforce that rule for "you cannot leave this house unless your coat is buttoned and zipped up" so she doesn't do it.

Yes I followed rules if it followed consequences of not following them. I did not like to be punished.

The issue I have is that this child is described as well behaved in every other way. I think making an issue of this one thing could backfire. Kids on the spectrum are rigid, this is a pretty harmless thing, seems like maybe it should not become a battleground.

My daughter does this. If the coat is too much work or too difficult to zip up she simply won't bother and she doubly won't bother if she's not going to be outside for that long. Honestly? I really don't care unless we are going to be outside for a long time. Then I make her. Otherwise to the car and back... whatever. I think a lot of kids would do this out of laziness or practicality... It's not worth harping on imo. PErsonally I'd tell the teacher to leave it be unless the daughter is actively complaining of being cold while the coat is undone.