It has been some time since I've posted here because I wasn't sure what to say. Somehow, my TMJ disorder and trigeminal neuralgia that made making facial expressions nearly impossible, to the point I could only make rudimentary ones, had an extensive effect on my ability to read others' emotions and motivations and understand/process/really even have complex emotions of my own. I don't understand why none of the psychologists or psychiatrists I visited would explain it to me, but I have since learned that there is volumes of research out there confirming that losing the ability to produce facial expressions can drastically change one's personality, causing more autistic behavior and thought patterns, as well as affect how others perceive and respond to that person.
If you observe NTs when they/"we" have a conversation, you will see that their faces not only respond to but also mirror one another. For example, if one person is telling a sad story and is frowning, the other person will replicate that person's sad facial expressions, and in doing so he or she will better understand how that person is feeling about the story. That's actually one explanation for why NTs are so nasty to one another online compared to "in real life."
On the other hand, if the person telling the sad story does not make sad facial expressions while telling it, whether it's because he or she doesn't know to do so (ASD) or just physically can't, the NT listener will find the story to be more trivial, possibly seeing the storyteller as a whiner because he or she cannot fully process the faceless person's emotions without the physical mirroring of the emotions.
I wonder if there were some harmless face-paralyzing chemical that would wear off in, perhaps, a month -- maybe botox? -- if it would be beneficial to NTs who want to understand those with ASDs basically to go through a month like that. I really don't know if a month would be long enough, though.
I was like that for more than 3 years. I can end up like that again too easily -- just lose access to my medication... so, I'm not sure I can say I'm NT if I'm only NT when I have my medication, and even then, I still think really different and am an idealist -- I just have a much easier time understanding others' differing perspectives and motives and getting my own across to them.
It does feel like night and day, though, because now I'm finding it quite a bit more natural to make the sympathizing expressions when listening to others, and I am perplexed on a subconscious level when I do not see facial expressions, when before it was their presence that made me feel that way. When I was that way, though, I couldn't figure out if I had always been. I think when I was young I was higher on the spectrum because I was often told I needed a "face lift" and weird stuff like that from my peers. I learned most of the "appropriate" social behaviors when I was a teenager, I think, so I don't know what that means about how I am now. I feel like I might just be "acceptably eccentric" now.
Most of my problems now are just my anxiety (I pick at my face and scalp still -- my "stim" -- when I'm feeling particularly anxious) and introversion, and my tendency to give people the benefit of the doubt even if I highly suspect they aren't being honest with me. I'm a lot less angry and frustrated in general now that I can express myself freely -- I really didn't need an antidepressant -- I needed to be able to use my face. I also now can mostly tell when someone else wants to talk in a conversation, tend not to go into monologues so often, and have more positive feelings about small talk and the bonding that comes from it. I just do feel anxious about money and my health, and I feel sad that some people I love are suffering.
Wherever I fall now on the spectrum, I feel like I have gained an understanding that most people won't, so maybe what happened to me isn't such a bad thing in that way. It's sort of like "Flowers for Algernon," but obviously different since it's not like I got smarter as an Aspie and then dumber as an NT in general -- it was more about becoming trapped in my own mind, sort of ejected from my body and the world, and having to watch the person who replaced me struggle so much to understand and be understood... and I'm definitely not the same person as I was before since it's hard to remember who you were 3 or 4 years ago even without all the trauma in between. I've already lost a lot of my memories from those years, and my focus has just been on figuring out who I am now, and what I can do and where my limits are since I'm still not fully well physically, and there's always the anxiety to contend with...
tl;dr Now that I can use my face, I find that I can hold my own a lot better in face-to-face conversations and understand NTs and be understood in turn as if I am NT myself...
22 Oct 2015, 2:11 pm
