Is 10 another one of THOSE ages?

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4th and 5th grade girls can get very cliquey, in addition to the increased school pressure academically. So I think that can be very difficult.

What is your hesitation about telling her her diagnosis? I am wondering why for your son it made sense and for your daughter you held back on telling her? Whatever the reason I think it would be easier to tell her soon, and you could lose her respect if you keep this from her beyond the young child years. Some teens get very touchy and they think they can keep secrets but adults should not. So I think it's important to think about how she will take this later if you wait. Especially knowing you told her brother, even if he had to be told because he received more services.

9 or 10 was an age I remember becoming aware other girls played with me, so from my point of view, while it is possible the problem is starting with how she feels, I remember clearly that other girls' behavior started being more confusing and horrid as adults cut back the general level of supervision allowing them to get away with being more hurtful. I also think part of having a close positive relationship with her is having a language to talk about what she is going through, maybe helping her with social scripts she can use and with recognizing when to step away from drama and how......and, as she gets older, and you want her to be able to advocate for herself, a lot of this might be easier making sure she is aware of having a diagnosis of ASD. And you wouldn't necessarily have to start by saying she had ASD, you could have one or more books, you could refer to her and her brother having special needs, I'm not sure exactly how you would do it, but you could move her toward understanding. Maybe talk about an adult friend on the spectrum to direct her mind toward autism as part of human diversity and not a forever sentence of hopelessness.

YES. YES. YES. Although my son is 9, but close enough. With my other son (classic autism) definitely this age range was where we saw a severe lag. I was actually having a discussion about this the other day with a bunch of other moms at a birthday party (special ed, the whole class was invited, it's specifically an ASRD class - autism has been ruled out but he has ADHD and "some autistic-like characteristics," long story...above-average IQ...at least average in all academic subjects...immaturity issues...highly social).

We were saying: Why are our kids finding it SO HARD this year...all of it? Two moms said they were afraid there sons were lagging way way behind all the other kids academically all of a sudden, plus, some behaviors seemed to be re-emerging...until the rest of us moms told them we were seeing all exactly the same stuff. Out of six moms present, only ONE said her son was keeping up and wasn't having any more issues with self-control, concentration, etc. than last year or the past couple of years. I was the one mom with a 9-year-old, the others except for one had 10-year-olds, the last's son just turned 11 (the birthday boy). The class is a combined class of grades 3-5. My 9-year-old is in 4th grade. The other kids having problems are also in 4th and the birthday boy is in 5th.

I don't know whether it's about the actual development, or (this is my theory) because in this age range, special ed or not, the work gets a lot harder and more serious-minded as, again, special ed or not, this is when teachers start trying to up the kids' maturity game. They're heading toward middle school shortly at this age. Another theory I have (actually my son's doctor suggested this) is that at this age, significant hormonal changes are taking place to prepare for puberty. And altered hormones can seriously change the whole game in how well they are able to organize their thoughts, as well as how able they are to control their behavior, and as for emotions, well...forget it.

This may happen earlier for girls than for boys as on average girls hit puberty earlier than boys, but rest assured we moms of boys are not blissfully skipping over this part ourselves. In fact, our older son (autistic) is now 12 and we're having an encore presentation, he has this year adopted a Bratz Doll mentality, we call him "Slam" because he will inform us all that we don't love him, he's going away and never coming back and he's finding a nice mother, and then off he goes to his room with a slam of the door. OMG such fun. He also suddenly can't keep it together anymore as well behaviorally (he is overall a very sweet calm kid, or was); whereas once his 9-year-old little fit receded he was then quit even keeled for a couple of years, now it seems to have come back...we're riding it out. We feel his overall personality is calm, sweet and concerned (he's a "nurturer," always tries to take care of his little brother) and we are riding out the stuff that seems to be coming along with hormones as well as just basic stages.

I'm surprised your daughter's teacher hasn't seen something similar in at least some of the other kids...? Unless the teacher is keeping each child separate from the next out of confidentiality or simply in order to keep her focus, when talking to you, on just your daughter?

Oh, and another thing we experienced with our now 12-year-old when he was in 4th-5th grade was that all of a sudden he was saying that "nobody" liked him. He'd come home every single day to tell us how nobody liked him and he had no friends. He was in a contained classroom (still is) with very high observation at all times as the class had four aides to only ten children. Anyway, I called the teacher about it...half-crying because nobody liked my little boy any more. She was mystified, utterly baffled. She said, "EVERYBODY likes C. I'm not exaggerating, Mrs. H. I do mean everybody. He is the most popular child in the entire class. He has a smile for everyone and the kids really respond to him." So it was his perception and emotions that had changed, not the attitudes or actions of the other children.

I hesitated posting on this thread so far because my 10-yr-old does not have a diagnosis (yet), but I am getting the process started. Aside from speech which was delayed (she didn't talk until 30 months) and poor social skills, she was always ahead in everything. She even taught herself to read before she talked, and we didn't know it until she had enough language to tell us that she could read when she "lived in the blue house" (the home we lived in when she was between 18 months to 27 months).

Her social skills have always been - well, let's just say that they are non-existent. Much like me, she has always preferred to hang out with the social rejects in her class - all of them nerdy, geeky boys (not unlike herself in personality and behaviour). However, this year has been really difficult for her. She seems to have been trying to get along with the girls in her class and comes home in tears every day saying the girls won't have anything to do with her, won't let her sit with them at lunch, sometimes call her mean names and don't want to play with her. She is moody too, and starting to have outbursts - something which is very, very new and unwelcome here. She says that she hates school because she is too boring for other kids to be friends with her. Unfortunately, that she walks around the playground at recess by herself, watching other kids play together with a hang-dog look on her face, has been confirmed to me by both her class teacher and a playground supervisor that I talked to.

And her school work is starting to struggle. I am trying to do the best I can with her - for example, we talked about how she could approach kids to ask to join in their play, how to respond to teasing etc. She then seems OK in the moment, only to refuse to go to school come morning.

I had some suspicions last year, and asked for an evaluation / assessment, but we were denied, since her academics are "so high". However, it's becoming more and more now that school is challenging her in ways socially that it is affecting her academics. And it is affecting her self-esteem very badly. Like me, she also tends to talk to herself A LOT. I am gutted to hear some of the things she tells herself - for example, yesterday, after a failed move in her martial arts class, I heard her say "Stupid, stupid, stupid.. I am stupid." I just don't know where all this is coming from - we have always told her, for instance, how smart she is, how proud we are that that she has been writing poetry since age 3 etc ! I also feel huge guilt over the fact that I haven't had the time or the energy or the emotion to give her much time, as almost all of my time goes into helping my son with LFA - she has, on and off, accused me of loving him more than I love her, but now the accusations are being made more regularly and it really hurts me to think that she would think I love her any less than I love her brother.

Oh, and she's going through puberty, too. Help !

HisMom, I am really surprised that your daughter was denied an evaluation due to appropriate academics. Autism doesn't automatically mean intellectual delay and/or poor school performance by any means. (Not that I'm saying your daughter is definitely autistic.) In my son's class the one kid I mentioned who isn't having any academic problems this year and in fact excels in most of his subjects is DXd HFA. That's odd that the school would refuse to evaluate because academic performance is up to par...? There can be so many issues aside from school performance.

Is there any way to have her assessed by a doctor? Do you have insurance that would cover that? It may be worth looking into. Our insurance covers psychiatric up to X visits per person. I feel psychiatric would be the place to start since evals are possible along that avenue, plus since your daughter obviously is having anxieties...autism or no autism.

You are a GREAT mom...you are very aware of and sensitive to what your daughter is going through. She has you...that's her biggest asset in this whole struggle. Just knowing someone believes in her. I speak from experience, that would have mean the world to me.

She is showing some really concerning things (as you know)...being so distressed that she doesn't want to go to school...saying the other girls won't sit with her...and she is being bullied. Do you guys have an HMO? I know we could have at the very least gotten a psych eval even if we hadn't gone through the Regional Center, via our Anthem BC. We would have needed a referral. You could even say you just need a basic psych eval due to her obvious anxiety. Then explain to the psych and go from there. It would be a start. FTR it was a psychiatrist who DXd both my sons (different doctors), in fact psych was required for their DXs.

Puberty definitely doesn't help matters, nor does the age group, which gets more "clique"-ish at this point as others have stated on this thread. It's a tough time even in the best of circumstances. Add social issues to the mix and...ugh. Poor kid. And poor you because I bet you're worrying yourself sick. DON'T. She has you! She has her LARGEST asset. Right there at home. You're willing to do whatever it takes to help her out during this rough time. It seems insurmountable right now and it's head-banging-against-a-wall when the school won't work with you (initially) but if you can initiate at least a psych eval I'll bet they'd re-think things. So I'd suggest you start there.

Hang in there.

Thank you for your kind words, Mrs. C

TBH, I have been so busy fighting the district for my son that I just didn't have the strength to fight them for my daughter too. She also struggled at summer camps this past summer, and seems to have many of the exact same social challenges that I had (and continue to have). I don't know if she is on the spectrum or not, because there are days when she surprises me and seems even more NT than I am, but I need to get her assessed yesterday !

That is an interesting point you bring up about the regional center. She qualified for speech therapy through them at age 2 but was discharged at age 3. Should I call my son's case manager and ask for my daughter to be assessed ? We have Kaiser and suffice it to say that dealing with them to get my son help has been like pulling teeth. I have a 5" binder of all the issues I am having with them, so I am loathe to use them for my daughter, but I will if I have to. I am starting to really worry about her now.

Hmm, I'd call your daughter's former CM but if you don't still have her number or she's no longer there, your son's CM would be a good choice too. At least at my Regional Center I have found they're still helpful even after the fact. One of my sons is a lifetime client as he has an ASD DX but the other son aged out at three into the school system...they're still helpful anyway. They may not be able to do an assessment themselves (pretty sure they can't as they already assessed and she aged out but not sure...) but they still might have resources as to where you can turn.

I hear ya on the insurance issues, OMG, ack...But they're where I have to turn for med help so I do...once in a while they come through. Maybe by accident? (Just kidding, I AM glad to have insurance...)

I am EXTREMELY unpopular with my insurance (and with my school district) LOL. I just happen to know all the laws / rules, and where to go with violation complaints. I am, therefore, not "dearly beloved" to either of them.

I don't even remember who her case worker was back in the day, so I have to go to my son's case worker. Also, as we have since moved, we are now with a different regional center.

Do I ask for a psych evaluation through insurance ? How can I get the ball rolling medically ?

OMG! The reply kicked me out!

Okay...do you have an HMO? If so, call your PCP and say you'd like a referral to a psychiatrist as your daughter is showing a lot of anxiety and it's worrying. If they want more info (they probably won't, that should be sufficient for them to agree to get you a referral) you can say she is having severe social issues at school, you feel she may be traumatized due to bullying and she is at the point of not wanting to go to school/being afraid to go to school. (ETA: If they don't want to refer you to a psychiatrist but instead start with a psychologist, that's okay, the psychologist will likely agree with you about your daughter needing a full eval and can steer you from there, but in the meantime, just start with this.)

Most psychs (IME) want an intake interview with the parent. This is your opportunity to give your daughter's history and also to express that you feel as though she has some autistic-like tendencies. You will of course also be mentioning that your son is on the spectrum (he is, right? Can't really remember, I'm so sorry). Anyway, if so...any qualified psych will put two and two together, as they are well versed in the theories of a genetic component.

The psych will then see your daughter and afterward will probably have a second sit-down with you to discuss his/her findings. I'm betting s/he will then advise a full eval, but if s/he doesn't you can bring it up then. And the psych will steer you from there - to either set up the eval there in that office, or to refer you to someone who can do the eval (obviously you will then have to check back with your insurance and if they won't take that referral then you can call the original psych back with someone from your list - go online or ask your insurance company).

I know it's excruciatingly slow sometimes and like pulling teeth but really the ONLY thing you have to think about so far is just getting that initial psych appointment, that's really your priority right now. Take it one thing at a time.

Thank you, Mrs.C. I just emailed her PCP after reading your advise and asked for a referral to a psychiatrist. First step taken - thank you so much ! !!

I also called my son's case worker at the regional center and left a message asking for an evaluation for her but I think - since the autism mandate law passed - that they would tell me to approach the insurance company first.

Well, we'll see. The process is underway now. Thank you ! !!