A Lot Has Happened Recently

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The recent past has been nearly overwhelming.

First, my wife and I announced our intent to stop participating in a local social group. Suddenly everyone was telling my wife how much they appreciate her, that they would be heart-broken if she left, and would she please reconsider.

Not one person addressed any similar sentiments to me.

Second, the people across the street threw a party. We were invited and we went. Everyone there spoke in my wife's native language, and only with my wife and each other.

Not one person spoke to me, except to point out where the food, drinks, television, and bathrooms were.

Third, I attended a town hall meeting to address some neighborhood issues (drugs, prostitution, potholes, et centers). Everyone was given five minutes to present their stories.

They cut me off after 30 seconds.

Finally, the moderators of WP saw fit to warn me about being negative and contentious.

That last one forced me to stop and think about the kind of person I am, and the more I thought about it, the more I didn't like it.

I was becoming a total arse-head. That was why people weren't talking to me and didn't want to listen to me. That was why people were being negative and contentious with me. That was why normally benign people who work behind the scenes saw fit to perform an intervention.

I'm an arse-head, and it isn't the right way to be.

Shsh Fnord

For whatever reason people here seem to like you.

Sometimes I've been scared when you are negative. And sometimes annoyed too. But please don't turn that negativity you used to turn on others on yourself. That isn't a solution

if you want to be kinder to people you must start with yourself. Have to. I am an exception and can sometimes be kind to other people, I think, and not kind to myself but that isn't how most people work. There doesn't need to be an explanation.

Just think about one thing you enjoy and maybe even you could ask someone who is benevolent to help you do it.

Anyway this is what I think. I also think you will get many responses to this post. Meaning people here still want to interact with you.

Its a horrible feeling to reflect and recognise that personal traits or decisions are destructive. I don't think you are alone in this experience.
For me the negative feelings about my actions start to ease after I implement changes, I try not to dwell on things that can't be undone, and make peace with the things I can't change.
Most things in life seem to change though.

Last edited by Amity on 30 Oct 2015, 8:19 pm, edited 1 time in total.

I wouldn't beat yourself up too much about it. The notorious aspie black and white thinking and a possible stiff demeanor can fuel a lot of your problems. Have you asked your wife about her viewpoint of those issues?

You're a good person
because you realize this and are willing to change.

I used to be "difficult" all the time, and it can still slip on occasion.
But there are probably some tips on the Internet that can help.
Might check those out myself.

fnord, i think of you as a friend. that said, you tend to be rigid and to state your fixed positions in terms unflattering to those you disagree with. i lost my medical career through a lack of tact, so i'm not innocent of these problems. i hope your epiphany helps you get along with folks better. these days, when i'm in doubt about how to say something critical in an acceptable way, i pass it by my NT husband first. sometimes he advises not even mentioning the thing. sometimes he patiently nudges while i come up with a diplomatic way of stating my concerns. sometimes he tells me to go for it. i feel better for having been able to say that the target of my concerns is stupid or evil to someone, even if i don't say it to them. and i often get the reaction i'm aiming for by taking my husband's advice.

I feel perhaps I may have been a bit harsh with you in the past. If so I apologise for it--I don't want to hurt anyone or make them feel unwelcome here. Having said that, I did find some of your posts in the past to be unnecessarily negative or mocking in tone to others. However, I think the self-awareness and willingness to be honest about yourself and your struggles you have shown in this thread is very brave. Critical but fair self-examination is a healthy activity. If it means anything to you, you have my respect for this. I also agree with an earlier commenter that while it is important to be willing to examine how your behaviour effects others, it is also important to be kind and forgiving to yourself in this process. We all make mistakes and act like buttheads sometimes, and anyone who says otherwise is either lying or completely lacking in self-awareness. It is the willingness to learn from mistakes that shows your true character. Don't be too hard on yourself.

I thought you were feeling a bit down.
That's why I posted a hug for you the other day.
I don't even know if you like hugs, but here's another:

*hug*

You're not an arse-head.
Maybe you're a little hard-headed at times.
I don't think you're hard hearted, though.

When I think of the kind of person that I don't like, the people who run City Hall or the DMV come to mind. Arrogant, officious, and unbendingly loyal to their rules.

Am I becoming one of them?

Well for what it's worth Fnord...I like you.

I don't read all of your posts on here because I can't but the ones I do read show me that you have the kind of dry wit that I enjoy.

And also to add, there's absolutely nothing worse in the world that knowing that you have something to give/offer and being/feeling ignored.

It is really frustrating.

Also, if you have been coming here for as many years as you have Fnord and then all of a sudden to be pulled up for being the way you have been all along, I think I might be able to understand how you could be upset by that.

I don't believe you are a bad person Fnord...most people aren't in my unprofessional and humble opinion.

"You're a better man than I am Gunga Din".

Fnord I like you, I think its because you are quite similar to one of my uncles, and I find that much of what you say makes sense.

Personally I think I takes much courage to self reflect in an honest manner. The other difficult thing is to motivate yourself to follow through on these thoughts, to be compassionate towards yourself sometimes feels counter intuitive, but to me it is the most effective method for creating long term change.

And, no you are not the same as City Hall/DMV types, because you can and do think for yourself.

Fnord, I haven't been on WP all that long, but I lurk around a lot and try to get a sense of the people that inhabit this site. You are a bit of a stand-out character. My sense of you is that you are an intelligent, independent thinker with a low tolerance for BS and a very direct, no-nonsense way to express yourself. I like it. Some people may not, but I see no reason to change for that reason. That being said, I think it's important to like oneself, and if you feel you don't, then perhaps there is work to be done. I don't think you are an arse-head, for I dont think people who truly are arse-heads realize that they are. I'm no guru of self-improvement, so if you decide you need to change, all I can offer is a sincere good luck!

Thank you! That's one of the nicest compliments I've received in a very long time!



Thanks to everyone else, too! You've all made my day better!

When you see something you think isn't right going on . . . guess what? You don't have to engage. You don't have to solve all the ills of the world. Just let it go.

In 95% of cases, that's the right thing to do. I'll bet you can learn to differentiate the cases that do demand a response from those that do not.

I've only been reading WP for a few months, but I find your posts to be insightful and informative. I appreciate your direct style as when people are vague it causes me stress trying to decipher the message.

People rarely talk to me about religion twice, I've had to examine why and have realised I just need to run away when the subject crops up as I have no tolerance for such silly beliefs.

Your posts are some of those that have made a positive impact on me, keep talking please.