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Joined: 16 Dec 2014
Age: 29
Gender: Female
Posts: 7,303
Location: The Northern Waste

26 Sep 2020, 12:48 pm

Welcome to The Haven

This area is protected more than any other forum on this site. When someone posts here, they are in distress and seeking help and support from other members.

Do NOT post anything that could cause further distress.

Committing a personal attack in The Haven will result in immediate disciplinary action. Furthermore, do not:

• Debate with the original poster about their beliefs. Trying to persuade an atheist to pray to God is not appropriate. Similarly, attacking a believer's religious views is not appropriate either.

• Campaign for a political belief/party/candidate. If the original poster is distressed about politics, responders should remain apolitical as possible while providing support to the OP.

• Similarly, do not campaign for your own beliefs either. If you have a signature line promoting some personal or political belief it would be better to switch that off when posting to The Haven. (this can be done easily on a per-post basis - see the choices available underneath the post edit window).

• Go off topic. This could be interpreted as insensitive, but some original posters may enjoy off topic posts. Non-target posts that do not contribute valuable support may be removed at the discretion of a moderator.

• Provide unsolicited advice. Unless advice is specifically requested, respond with supportive comments rather than solutions. Unwanted advice can make some people feel unheard and patronized. If you feel you have truly helpful advice, ask the OP first if they would like advice.

• Threadjack. Haven threads belong to the member that started them. Do not post your own story without engaging the OP.

• Do not post jokes, satire, and other attempts at humor. A well-intentioned joke may be taken the wrong way and make the OP's situation worse.

• Limit your post's content to plain text with proper, conventional use of upper-case characters; avoid fancy formatting effects, colors and where possible, images - especially those flashing or showing motion. Emoticons are frequently misunderstood; like a well-intentioned joke, they can also backfire and are best avoided.

If you think someone is violating these rules or the spirit of these rules in any way, send a Moderator a private message about your concerns. Do NOT comment about specific situations publicly!

The following addition was posted to WP by a member but I must give credit, and thanks, to SkyeNet™ for creating it outside WP.
It's concise, very helpful and offers some real, practical advice.

Framework for Care of an Upset Person:
Upset states are, in the vast majority of cases, less about specific solutions than they are about emotional experience, which may have been mentioned on a thread. In order to keep from escalating them, or making people feel more upset and/or rejected, it needs to be approached with this in mind. Solutions aren't wrong either, but they can't be the immediate response.

Method for Care:

1) Acknowledge and understand emotion. Start by trying to identify what is being felt by the other person. Asking directly is perfectly acceptable, as is following up with specific questions to clarify things you might be misunderstanding. This serves the two functions of giving you more information to work with, along with reassuring the other person that you are listening to them.

2) Validate emotion. Even if the other person is being 'unreasonable' to you, or their emotional state doesn't make sense after you've asked several questions, that does not mean it is invalid to them. Their emotions need to be recognized as valid and having good reason from their perspective, which may include information or experiences you are unaware of and/or they can't really explain. Most conflict escalations come from emotions not being recognized as valid like this.

3) Offer advice and/or solutions, but don't force them. Be present. Gentle reassurance is important, and touch may be good with permission (if it is a close enough social relationship offline). Let the other person vent and express themselves if needed, while asking clarifying questions like in step 1. People often need to feel emotionally validated before they are willing to talk in more detail, even close partners.

4) Repeat step 3 every 3-5 minutes if an offer for advice is not requested/accepted, and if they are no longer actively venting. This should help them calm down until you can give advice or they affirm that they feel good enough to continue without advice.

Rules updated October 2021

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Joined: 1 Jun 2017
Age: 39
Gender: Female
Posts: 16,283
Location: Poland

29 Sep 2020, 1:56 pm

The rules published above apply only to posting in The Haven subforum and/or to commenting about content published in The Haven.

Let's not confuse being normal with being mentally healthy.

<not moderating PPR stuff concerning East Europe>