I don't want to go back...

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To start I've always had bad feelings for people in general. I've had a general distrust for people since HS bs. I've been quite a bit better the past few years. For several years after HS I was a very cynical and negative person, especially online. Not many people liked me, because I'd bi*** about how people are a*****es and stuff. Now in my mind I haven't exactly stopped feeling like people in general only live for themselves and so do I kind of, although I can be very nice if I see no reason not to be. But I haven't been too bad for the last few years, however things are starting to bring me back to this dark place. There hasn't been anything different as far as people experiences that are taking me back there. It's just that I'm feeling very sleepy and despite all these tests so far saying my heart is fine I'm having pain and tightness in my upper body. I have one final test the doctor wants me to do before we decide that it's for sure not my heart. Honestly I don't think it is, but anyways I've been feeling like this for months and it has gone on so long that I can't take all this muscle tension anymore and I'm getting depressed and anxious and all this crap again and with all this pain and frustration the thoughts that got me to seek mental help years ago are starting to crop back up again.

I don't want to be that person ever again! I don't want to be the guy that brings everyone down. I don't want to be the guy that distrusts everyone. And frankly I don't want to become an a****le myself. I'm starting to get how people become that way. I don't want to be that person. Honestly there are still times I can sorta be that way. I don't want to get angry over things either. When I get angry I'm a jerk. I don't want to be a jerk. I got this way to keep from getting hurt. I felt it's better to get angry than to cry and stuff. I have always been the guy that refuses to be a freaking victim and that if you want to victimize me you can go (bleep) yourself. I need the happy medium where I'm assertive, but not a doormat or a victim. I always felt like if I didn't show aggression that people wouldn't learn even though logically you can't teach jerks that they're wrong.

What can I do? I guess I just need to get this out.

Just don't expect too much from people.

Indulge in your special interests, as long as it doesn't interfere with making a living.

If somebody has an interest in what you're interested in, you could make friends easily.

Always be respectful to strangers. You'll go far that way.

People are just into their own lives, and into self-preservation. There is a tendency for them to find philosophizing useless.

Consider getting a checkup with your GP and getting screened for depression, anxiety, thyroid, adrenal, etc. issues. Your feelings may well be based on a physical ailment that can be addressed. That'd be the place to start!

Man, I'm depressed/anxious BECAUSE I know I'm having a medical issue. I mentioned the medical tests.

Are people so much into themselves that they typically don't judge or anything or is it that when they do it's because of something that somehow is thought to affect them?

Anyways, I dunno, I know there's this look I get sometimes even from my therapists when I'm explaining something or what not and I just feel judged when they look this way. Like It's sort of this confused/questioning look that might be kind of slight. I dunno. I probably misjudge that look. They tilt their head and such when I talk, I guess. It's like a slight version of maybe the "wtf face." Like I'm so afraid of getting looks or hearing things in voices and maybe they aren't there, but I guess I got that from people in the past who said mean things I learned the wrong thing, but it's so hard to explain that I never got any help with it. <--sort fo off topic, but that's ok.

Well, these mental issues are basically just made worse by the medical ones. It's not that I'm worried. It's that the general stiff muscles and fatigue are really bothering me badly.

Acting like a mean person is not good because then you will be acting like the very people you can't stand. That is why it makes more sense to go about your days being kind. Does this mean you have to be friends with people? No. Socialize, but keep people at a distance.

I hope all turns out well with you and the doctor.

I've felt this way for as long as I can remember.. A lot of it had to with how I'd been treated by others, even tho I spent years not wanting to admit that. It meant admitting that the few friends I had were not my real friends, and that my family didn't treat me as family should have treated me. I also have held strong opinions about playing victim and projected them harshly onto myself. The problem is that when we do that, we neglect real problems and don't deal with them properly.

I honestly still feel that way. I dislike people instantly when I meet them. It takes a long time for a person to get me to start to like them, and most won't stick around for that long. I have serious trust issues, and a lot of anxiety when it comes to being around people, in general.

I can't change the way that I feel. That's something I've come to terms with. But what I can change is what I allow people to see. Nobody has to know that I don't like them or that I am uncomfortable getting to know them. And I have made a few friendships, since I changed my attitude... Genuine friendships, in which I don't dislike the person, and I do feel relaxed around them. Of course, I've also found that most, I still do not like and do not want to be close to.

It's really all about finding people you can actually get along with.. that you don't have to force it. Those people are very rare for me, but they're out there. I'm sure they are for you, too. Just try to be polite to everyone, and don't try to pursue friendships that don't feel right to you. There's no reason to be mean to anyone who hasn't done anything to you, and even if they have, in most cases, it can be dealt with politely.

I'll probably hear from the gp's office tomorrow about when to see about the nuclear stress test, but I'll call maybe at 11 just to give them some time in case they haven't yet made the appointment for me. I see my one-on-one therapist tomorrow I an mention to her that I'd like to see the psych for a benzo, since that worked for me when I had problems.