a couple of questions regarding AS

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Hello to everyone.

A couple of years ago I felt like checking out what was 'wrong' with me and I stumbled upon ASD and felt like it pretty much hit the nail on the head, but I didn't really feel like identifying myself with a diagnosis. Seeing that I just recently wound up in a very peculiar situation with a woman, where I have completely missed every single possible cue to escalate the relationship to a romantic level, it led me back to my search. I do not have the resources or opportunity to get officially diagnosed where I live, so I'll just make do with what I have.

I took all of the usual self-assessment tests and read multiple articles on diagnosing AS in adults. All of the diagnostic criteria is pretty much covered, but I'd like to ask a couple of questions unrelated to the diagnosis itself.

By that I mean a trait that I have, which I have not seen explained or mentioned in my research. I have the ability to pretty accurately separate 'good' people from the 'bad'. Even when I was a kid, I'd get a strong impression of someone and with time passing, my feelings usually proved to be true. I feel like that ability continued developing and now I am pretty much able to read people like a book. Ranging from the motives behind certain actions to knowing exactly how someone will act in a given situation. That is, of course, when I am an observer. As soon as I am under the spotlight, stuff literally flies by me.

So, my question is, is that something that is usual or at least sometimes happens with AS?

Also, how do you tell a woman you're interested in (.. a psychologist) that you suspect you have AS, if her response when you were struggling for words was "just be normal"?

All questions and opinions are very welcome.

I can do that but it takes a lot of time. Most people from what i understand can tell a lot about another person right away, thier "first impression" is usually right. I have been told in numorous how to interview type discussions, lectures that recruiters are usually fairly certain if they are going to hire a candidate or not to hire a candidate very early in an interview, the rest of the interview is just double checking to make sure. Then there is the "Love at first sight" phenomenon. I have no clue how they do it. My first impressions of people are much more often wrong then right.

Back on topic, pretty much every Autistic will not have all the traits, just most of them. They are often good at one thing and clueless at something closely related. Knowing a person is bad or not right away but not picking up signals that a person desires a romantic/sexual relationship with you is an example of this.

Anybody can judge another person based on their first impression. It might be certain perceived patterns that enable you to do so.

I have found that often times I can predict what a person will say next in a 1 on 1 conversation and sometimes I will parrot them or finish their sentences. It is because I remember a lot of past conversations and usually conversations have a sort of pattern to them. Other times it is because I know that person very well and they think, act, and speak in patterns that other people probably would not notice, but I do.

I do not understand your second question because it is very oddly phrased.

Thanks for the replies.

I do tend to complicate and have to explain myself to others often, so I'll just go over the facts regarding the second question.

The said woman with whom I have missed every single possible cue is a psychologist. During most of our meet-ups she told me to "just act/be normal". That happened in the moments when I was trying to explain the way I feel about her or certain sensitive (to me) subjects. Do I even try to disclose what the problem in my communication may have been or do I just not bother with it? Thanks in advance.

I know exactly what you mean, I have always been a very accurate "judge of character", I am rarely wrong and get an impression pretty instantly, I also had a special interest in micro expressions, but it became more than that, I didn't even really need to try, I could kind of see through people, my logical brain helps me figure out, facts and how what they say works / doesn't work / flaws in there story etc. and funnily enough I call this my "Aspie Sense", This gets a lot harder when I am forced to interact with more than 1 person, as I spend so much of my energy being "normal"

"Love at first sight", It can happen, It pretty much describes my GF and I. It wasn't lust at first sight, It's very difficult to describe, literally when I first saw her, I was strongly compelled to be near her, start a conversation. Which as you can guess isn't normal for me. I wasn't nervous even though I should have been, I instantly felt comfortable around her and I felt I could trust her (and if anyone should have trust issues it's me), we got along almost to well and talking about it (later) with her, it was mutual. A year later and we are still very happy.

If anyone tells you "just be normal", It's time to distance yourself from them, especially a psychologist... man that would be an easy gig! "just be normal!" NEXT! "just be normal!" NEXT!

@UnturnedStone Heh, the only problem being that I care for her too much to just be able to say 'NEXT!'. Although I do completely agree with your point and would probably pass the same advice to someone else. The worst thing is that I have missed the same cues multiple times through a period of say, 9 years. Up until recently I didn't have someone to discuss male-female relationships with so I didn't quite realize all the blunders I had made during that time. And you know, despite maybe not understanding me, she did stick around and is still somewhat making an attempt..

It just occurred to me, possibly this was taken out of context.

Maybe by "just be normal" she meant, the normal you, just be you, don't be something your not for her.

That would just be wonderful, wouldn't it? The events that followed somehow don't make me believe that, because she ignored me in a couple of situations a few days afterwards. Either way, we did agree to see each other tomorrow. The only question that remains for me is should I try to communicate that I may very likely be an aspie? I somehow have a feeling it may be a bit awkward due to her profession.

If someone said to me, "Just be normal", I'd put on a fake face and try to act like the boy next door, the average Joe.

If someone said, "Just be me", and I exhibited the real me, they'd jump out a window so fast my head would spin.

So I fake it.

That made me giggle.

Just want to ask another question before I hit the sack. Has anyone got problems with time orientation? I literally cannot tell how much time had passed since an event if I don't go through the hassle of remembering the exact date. If it's been, let's say, a couple of days, there is a very high chance of me thinking a week or two had passed. The more the time frame increases, the worse my 'guesses' get. I'll clearly remember what happened and pretty much everything that was said, but I cannot stress enough how WAY off my time perception is.

You haven't said what kind of psychologist this gal is. She might have almost no training at all in "abnormal psychology," diagnosis, etc. She might be someone who studies cognition or animal behavior. Is she an academic? A practicing therapist?

I'd stay away from telling her you are an aspie and instead say you've wondered if you are.

You've known her for 9 years and now you two are starting to date? Well, if I were you, and she's that special or important to you, I'd say something suggestive yet vague like "I feel very connected to you" and see where it goes from there. Don't overthink and don't overtalk.

You don't have to disclose your AS, or your possible AS, to anybody.

If she's still dating you, then I wouldn't worry about it too much.

When she says "act normal," she might be telling you that you're over-thinking. Just wing it sometimes. Use your instincts.

Your ability to read people and tell the good from the bad is interesting, given that many Aspies have a lot of trouble in that area, I do.

I am a psychologist myself, my specialty is cognitive psychology, but I didn't know much about Asperger's until recently, like in the past 2 years, when I finally figured out I probably have it, and asked the therapists that I have if they thought I do, and both did. I would think that if she was in clinical or developmental psychology and she has known you for 9 years, she would have picked up on it by now unless you are very good at hiding it.

I have no idea what "just be normal" means. Maybe you should ask her the next time she says it. I do hope things turn out well for you.

For me, I have no way of knowing until someone screws me over.

The only clue I have when something is a bit sideways is the old adage: If it sounds too good to be true, it is.

That, though, has spilled over into my life in other areas.

Here are two examples I could have won huge amounts of money on bets. (I'm really not a betting man, but.....)

1) the First survivor series. About 3 or so months before the final episode, I read an article about the guy who won and how he was in trouble. They named him and had a picture as well. Now, remember that the show is filmed months in advance and as soon as he had to report his winnings, well, people were all over him. The article specifically said that he had won the show and the money was being sought after by people. When the show was heading into the final episode, it was a frenzy at the betting organizations about who would be the winner. I just didn't trust myself to do it. Too good to be true.

2) One year the Atlanta Braves was in the world series. Coming from Georgia, I knew that they would do good up to a point and then just blow it. Saw it for many years. They did ok, the bets went up. I just knew they would choke on the last games (They did). But, if I felt it was such a sure thing, I was also convinced I had to be wrong. Surely it couldn't be that easy....it was......just....too...good.....

sighhhhhh.....

So, many times, I just don't trust myself with anything risky.

Dumbass me, eh?

Thanks to everyone for showing an interest.

In order to get the best possible responses I'll just share as much information as I can think of at the moment.

I don't know if it is important in any way, but I'll just put it out there, perhaps someone else can make something out of it. I took the standard AS self-assessment tests and scored as follows: AQ (40), EQ and SQ separately (8 and 102), aspie test (146 aspie and 50 NT). Other than that, I am an INTP.

Regarding the girl and her expertise.. She generally refuses to talk about psychology, even though the topic interests me. What I know is that she's doing her internship and is basically just running the standard tests for people wanting to join the army, carry guns or wanting to get their driver's license. With stating her profession I was just assuming that there would be a bit more sensitivity toward someone who is clearly struggling with something.

The relationship between the two of us is bizarre to say the least. Half of those 9 years we've spent ignoring each other, but one way or the other we keep reconnecting. What I've been told by someone who knows the whole story is that she's likely disappointed and frustrated with me not reacting in a way that would back up some of the things that I've said/written. One example of a situation (years back) would be me walking her to her house, once we got there she said that she wanted to walk me back to my house. And she did, after which we turned around again and walked back to her house again, this time she actually went in and standing in the doorway asked me "so.. what are we going to do now?". I just responded with "I don't know", turned around and left. I'm told that was a pretty open invitation to do something. It didn't hit me in the slightest. Wish I could say it was just 'young age' and that I got better at it with time, but to your amusement.. nope. We hadn't spoken for about two and a half years, which changed just a couple of months ago. She talked to my best friend asking him if I was angry with her or if I hated her, the answer, of course, was the exact opposite. Since I care for her so much, I felt like I just had to tell her that myself. After I contacted her, we met for coffee a couple of times. She didn't seem too interested in doing anything with me and I didn't hear from her for a couple of weeks (she told me that she didn't want me contacting her first, probably so I don't go crazy about her again). As you may suspect, that really wasn't good enough for me so I sent her a message telling her how I feel and that the current arrangement doesn't really suit me, and if she ever wanted to build any sort of a normal relationship (friendship or otherwise), that I'd be willing to try. Lo and behold, she immediately responded wanting to meet up. This is the part where people usually start laughing their ass off. We met the next day and at some point during our conversation she started complaining to me that she's got a fat belly (she really doesn't, she's very good looking), and then proceeded to show me her pictures in a bikini. We talked for over 3 hours, and then another 40 minutes standing next to her car. After describing every single detail that happened that night to a friend of mine, he couldn't believe how I hadn't got any of it. Apparently I was supposed to make a move. Couple of days later we met again and she started complaining to me how her legs hurt from working out. She started showing off and telling me to touch her muscles. So, yes, a woman tells me to touch her thighs, and then her arms and calf muscles and I just poked them with my index finger. Kind of like a child would poke a dead animal with a stick. Again, I'm told that's not how that situation could have gone. Now, I realize that the next one may be a bit morbid, but just to drive the point home I'll tell that one as well. Her dad passed away when she was a child and the graveyard where he is buried isn't too far away from her house. So, after spending another 3 hours together she asked me to drive her home. I didn't drive her straight home, but took a bit longer route, which incidentally passes by the graveyard. When we were passing next to it she jokingly asked me if I "came to ask her dad for permission". Yet again, I am told that was supposed to be a cue to do something, anything. It sounded a bit out of place for me, but I didn't pay any attention to its meaning.

This gets us down to the core of the problem. After having it explained to me, it would appear that there is interest on both ends, but obviously due to my inability to recognize the cues we just keep spinning in circles. I reckon I've already written too much, so I sincerely hope that this story at least got some laughs out of you, because there really is no point in despairing over it.

Before anyone asks, yes, I was in a relationship for a couple of years, but that probably happened because the girl straight up asked me "do you want to kiss me?". I guess it really does have to be that obvious..

Next time you're with the psychologist, kiss her.

Just. do. it.