My mother is biggoted against my ASD condition

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I am sick and tired of my mother starting fights with me. I have aspergers as well as frequently crippling social anxiety, even around family and friends. I can sometimes sustain 2 hour conversations, and other times a 1 minute convo drives me insane. I can feel the tension in my stomach and it makes me very nervous.

Often my mother will try to start a conversation with me and I will say I dont want to talk, or "leave me a lone" and she gets offended and loses it on me.

When I tell her that it is because of my aspergers and social anxiety she tells me she does not believe me and tells me I am just rude. I want to punch her in the face sometimes.

Can my fellow ASD/social anxiety people please explain to my mother, in this thread, that this is actually a thing, and that sometimes we cant handle social interaction?

Why do these god damn NT simpletons not understand our condition? Idiots.

Calling NTs "simpletons" is not going to be helpful in your relationship with your mother and it is not going to be helpful here, as many of the parents here identify as NT/NTish.

That aside, your mom should respect your need for alone time. I don't know your age or situation but if I had to guess, your mom either thinks she is entitled to your company, sometimes, maybe b/c she does nice things for you or help supports you;or she just requires company in the same way you require alone time. The other possibility is that she thinks the interaction is good for you, and will help your social skills either in school or at a job, or just in general.

If you want us to tell your mom that aspies require alone time to recharge: Here you go. I don't know if that is going to be sufficiently persuasive to her b/c I don't know what her thought process is, or have a good sense of the circumstances.

Depending on your age and responsibilities, it might behoove you to get your own place (if you are old enough and can be self-supporting) or if that is not feasible try to spend alone time elsewhere where you won't be bothered. I know it is not the same as vegging in your room, but you might be able to spend solitary time doing special interest stuff elsewhere, and feel more peaceful than at home with your mom. In addition your mom might feel better that you are getting out of the house more and may leave you alone more when at home, if her concern is that you need to do something other than veg in your room. I think a lot of NT parents tend to worry when their kids do that too much.

I am one of the folks on this forum who is both a mom of an aspie and an aspie myself. So i can see where your mom may be coming from and i can see your difficulties.

I agree with ASDmommyASDkid that calling NTs idiots is not going to win you any brownie points or help her wish to understand your ASD. There are times when my ASD son is very rude and screams at me when he is angry or having a meltdown. It is very hurtful if i take his words and screaming personally. I understand when he is having a meltdown; i have had them myself. I understand sensory overloads and shutdowns as well.

But as a mom, i also have a responsibility to help my child to function as best he can in society. Part of this means helping him learn what is disrespectful to others. It may not come naturally to him and i may have to remind him much more than i would an NT child. But i can't allow every behavior with no boundaries or i would raise a little monster. I allow him to express anger, of course; but he always must do it respectfully. He is not allowed to call other people names or use bad language, etc.

As an adult, i try to take care of myself to minimize meltdowns and shutdowns. When the world gets to be too much, i take the initiative to get myself out of the situation if i can. But i need to do it as tactfully as possible too. If i am leaving a social situation and i am questioned why, i assure the people involved that it isn't that i don't care about them or don't want to spend time with them. It is me and i can no longer deal with the situation. It doesn't seem fair that the autistic person needs to be the understanding one all the time...but that is often the way it is. I do my best not to let people walk all over me or put me in a corner, but i also try to be tactful about it.

Have you tried gently explaining to your mom how the world looks to you? How stressful social contact is, how painful loud noises (or whatever your particular trigger) can be? other things like that. If someone does not experience the world in the same way we do (sounds like she does not have the same experiences as you), we can't expect them to understand it without a tutorial. If your mom is willing to listen, maybe you can be her tutorial in a respectful and tactful way. I think that would be the best place to start.

Maybe instead of "leave me alone!" you could say something along the lines of, "I am overwhelmed with ____fill in blank with situation that prompted you to be unable to talk at the moment___. I'm sorry but i am not up to talking now. Can I have an hour alone and talk to you after that?" Then follow through on talking to her when your alone time is finished.

My daughter has a great need for time alone and i give her that, but after she has spent a lot of time alone, it is also important for her to engage with people at times. So i set a time that she needs to come out of her room and interact with the rest of us. That tactic works well for us--she knows i understand that she needs that time to recharge...but it also doesn't give her the option to hole up in her bedroom and only come out to eat. That is not healthy for her; and as her mom, i love her and want to be with her sometimes too.

Just some thoughts, hope this is helpful.

It's hard to answer with no idea your age. Are you an adult or a teen?

It sounds very stressful for you both. Do you have any idea why she is losing it? The advice we give parents is to think about why things go wrong and how to support change. Maybe that will help you to think about.

Not saying it's ok for people to lose it, just trying to think what might help.

I'm 32 and my mom is 59. I have lived alone in the past but found it too stressful and overwhelming as well as financially unfeisable so I moved back in with my mom. We usually get along ok and we talk and hang out but often times I just need to be left alone and she doesn't understand. I realize that calling NT's simpletons is not productive and I was speaking from inner hurt and frustration when I made my original post.

I am not good with people and I have no real friends, just aquaintances. I had friends but I had fallings out with them, sometimes my fault, sometimes their fault, sometimes just a personality clash. I have come to be very mistrusting of people and not desiring to make any long term friends which leaves me in a position of deep and hurtful loneliness.

Yes, I have tried saying to my mom "I can't talk right now due to my aspergers and I need alone time please respect that" but she still gets on my case. It's like she thinks I am making it up or something. Nobody in my inner circle seems to understand my need for alone time and they seem to think that certain situations entitle them to intense socializing with me despite how I may be feeling at the time such as being in the car or being in the same room together.

I find my mother's personality and her voice to both be very grating and often I just can't stand to talk to her. I find it much easier to talk to other people like my mom's friend Sylvie or my aunt Jocelyne. I am not close with my family ever since my grandfather passed away in 2008 at which point everyone seemed to go their own seperate ways and my attempts at keeping people together have fallen on deaf ears. It's all very sad.

I realize that saying "leave me alone" is not the best course of action, but sometimes I am so agitated that it just comes out that way. I am on two antidepressants and an antipsychotic. I used to be on clonazapam for my panic attacks but my MD has refused to give them to me for over 2 years now because she says I was taking too many of them which has left me in a sticky situation and often unable to relax and calm down when I am panicky. I have had an innumerable number of days ruined by my own inability to calm down and focus.

I guess I'm just really feeling lost in life these days. I had hobbies- computers, aquariums, etc.. but lately I just don't care much for them. I was also very interested in and quite good at video games but now that I am 32 my eye hand coordination has gone down the toilet. I still have 20/20 vision but my coordination is in the dumps so genres I enjoyed like first person shooters and fast racing games are no longer possible for me. These were a great stress outlet for me and now they've been lost.

Also I am very into music, but I had a horrible experience with KEF speakers this year where 3 sets of $1000 speakers crapped out on me and it has left me very bitter and unwilling to invest any more money in the audio hobby.

I find that I am often bitter and snappy with people despite wanting to be a good and loving person. I just don't have it in me sometimes.

I'm pretty sure that whatever is wrong with me (I'm psychiatrist diagnosed as ASD and severe anxiety) is genetic as my father exhibits my symptoms amplified X10 but he has never been willing to be diagnosed or go on medication. He medicates himself with beer and marijuana at the expense of being able to afford good food and it's all very sad.

I just don't know what to do. My life is in the toilet. I wish that at very least, my home life could be stress free through some mutual understanding with my mother but it's like she just doesn't want to understand certain things about my condition. She claims to have read a lot about ASD and thinks that it somehow makes her more of an expert than me on it, which I find laughable and mis-guided. It's like if something I do doesn't line up with whatever crackpot nonsense she's read online it must be a lie that I have fabricated. I have asked her "to what end do you believe I fabricate these things? Do you think I enjoy being mean?" and she has no answer for that.

What should I do?

Aww, i am sorry Mistersprinkles. I can't offer a good, quick, or easy solution. In earlier years of our marriage, my husband and I had to dissolve a toxic family business partnership due to dynamics similar to what you are describing--no boundaries we attempted to set were respected in any way. It was hard to part the partnership, but the best thing in the long run.

I love my mother but have had to stand up to her "knowledge" of me at times in life too. It seems that, as my mom, she feels that she knows me better than i know myself. This is not true, and has led to me second guessing myself more times than i can count. Finally, in my 30s, i have learned that she does not always know me as well as she thinks she does. Sometimes i can help her understand, sometimes i just have to say something to the effect of, "mom, enough already. Let me do it my way even if you don't like it."

I am not financially dependent on her though; nor do we live together. So i can end the conversation if i need to. And we each have our own space apart from the other. If we lived together, i could see much conflict. Is there any way you could find other arrangements for your situation? It is hard to set boundaries with someone who shares your living quarters and finances. If i were in your shoes, i would probably be exploring my options to do this.

Sounds like she does not know that she doesn't understand. With someone like this, it is hard to make them understand since their mind is already made up. Can you write stuff down for her? My mom seemed to understand me better when i started blogging. i was free to be me a little more because it was for a different audience--not just a conversation between her and myself. She still does not always understand but it opened her eyes a little wider.

If i think of anything else helpful i will post. Just not coming up with much other than this.

Mister Sprinkles:

Not enjoying the things you used to, sounds lie a symptom of depression to me. Does your mom also not understand that? Even if the ASD is beyond her grasp maybe she can understand depression since it is something NTs also get.

Sometimes with people who poo poo ASD as a diagnosis, can understand portions of it if you do not mention the diagnosis. Could you say something like, "You know how dad sometimes has to withdraw for a bit to recharge? I am like that too."? Of course, if she is critical of him, also, that could backfire but then it is two people in the household being that way, which makes her the odd person out. If you could get your dad to back you (when he is not drinking, maybe) that might help.

If I had to guess, based on what you said, if your mom does not have her own social life, and your dad withdraws too, that she wants to use you for her social needs. While I am sympathetic to feeling alone in a house with people in it, she is not entitled to make herself more comfortable by making you uncomfortable. I would maybe suggest to her that she joins hobby-related clubs or something, which might be enjoyable to her, and she could meet people with similar interests. If she gets out of the house, then you can have more peace.

I would express it more empathetically than that though. Something like, "I know it disappoints you that dad and I are both introverts. (Notice I did not use ASD/autistic or AS) Does that make you feel lonely? " (Wait for an answer-- and then respond appropriately, but sympathetically. Depending on what she says, something like, "That must be horrible for you. You know dad and I can't help with that, being how we are, (notice, you are not caving in, here) but maybe if you find a social group (suggest one if you know one she might like- if she is religious,maybe a church group or something, even) you can go out and do things, and you would be happier."

I didn't have this issue with my own parents, but it's a HUGE issue with my mother-in-law, who is extremely social and seems to follow a social "script" that requires everyone to participate socially, because if they don't, it means they are not having a good time, and that is apparently unconscionable. I've spent decades now trying to get her to understand (without being too rude about it) that just because I want to be alone doesn't mean that I'm necessarily sad, or lonely, or to be pitied, or "shy", or any other negative thing. It simply means that I want or need to be alone, and that it's my CHOICE, and that I would like her to respect my choice. Even so, she believes what she believes (that everyone is happier the more social they are) and apparently she is never going to change her mind about that. So, to reduce friction with her, whenever I am around her, I find ways to be social with her when I'm more ABLE to, and then find a way to excuse myself whenever possible so that I can recharge. Sometimes this requires "white lies" and excuses -- even an unnecessary errand or two, just to get out of the house and away from her so that I can have some psychic "quiet time". (Of course she always volunteers to help or go with me, and then I have to weasel my way out of that too.) I want to note that I really LIKE my mother-in-law, and she likes me-- this is not a PERSONAL issue of me not liking her or wanting to avoid her company. It's just that she is so AGGRESSIVE about DEMANDING my social participation that I get very easily overwhelmed and burned out and she has never been able to understand that.

I think if your mom is unable or unwilling to accept or be respectful of your need for quiet personal time, even after trying to explain it to her in a rational manner, then you may need to accept that and just go about your business-- continue to take the personal time that YOU need, and accept that she will be frustrated by that. Her frustration with you is not your responsibility at this point, not after you have patiently tried to get her to understand why you need that alone time, and that it is NOT a personal attack against HER. I think because wanting to be social is a majority "norm", it is almost impossible for some people to understand that being alone feels GOOD and NECESSARY for some us, some, or even a lot, of the time. Or to understand how AGGRESSIVE their demands to be social can feel.

In my own life, being "antisocial" is such a requirement for me in so many situations that I've basically had to accept that a lot of people will misunderstand me and think I'm a jerk. I've made peace with that. Let them think that. Can you be at peace with your mother not understanding your situation? I know it's more painful when it's a family member who is not understanding, or who is insisting that you modify your needs, but perhaps the only way for you to find peace is to accept that she doesn't understand, and may never understand, but that YOU know what you need and that you are seeing to it the best you know how.

What about looking into assistive living options in your area? I'm assuming since you're 32 and still living with parents, you have problems with independent living skills, but maybe you could get better help from strangers than from your parents.

I can understand from your original post how she would get the impression that you would use your diagnosis as an excuse.

Guess what, nobody's perfect. She's not perfect. The mental health professionals that diagnosed you were not perfect. And you are certainly not perfect.

Sometimes a parent needs to make their child do things they are uncomfortable with. If you use your diagnosis as an excuse to avoid everything that makes you uncomfortable, you will have a stunted life. If your mother is trying to take you out of your comfort zone occasionally, to challenge you, then more power to her.

Is it possible that she's cruel and vindictive? Yes. It's also possible that you cannot view the situation subjectively (or are focusing only on the short-term) and she's actually acting in your best LONG-TERM interest. Just because you can't do something now, or something is uncomfortable, doesn't mean that you will never be able to do it.

Also, I think you'd have much better luck if you didn't specifically mention your diagnosis every time you were trying to seek solitude. She had a relationship with you BEFORE you got you diagnosis, so I'm sure there's some resentment on her part toward being told her child has a particular diagnosis. I would recommend the previous post's recourse to "white lies" or something other than absolute truth. If you need time alone thing of other ways to ask for it than citing your diagnosis and you'll probably encounter less friction.

Maybe your mom is just trying to cope with your hostile presence as well as she can. You say you find her "personality and her voice to both be very grating" and that often you "just can't stand to talk to her," plus you consider her a simpleton and a bigot, yet you admit that you've moved in with her because you couldn't cope with life on your own.

You're in your 30s. It isn't her job to cater to and care for you at this point. Diagnosis or not, you don't have a license to behave gratingly and ungraciously to others and it's particularly ill-advised to act this way towards someone you are somewhat dependent upon. Your desire/need to spend time alone is reasonable, but being rude about it and thinking others should excuse you because of your diagnosis isn't working out, since your diagnosis doesn't make others less-deserving and desirous of consideration and courtesy.

"I'd like to spend some time alone right now, so let's talk later please" is not that much harder to say than "go away and leave me alone."

You sound like you have a real attitude problem. Having an ASD doesn't give a person an excuse to be rude on purpose. And thinking of NTs as idiots because they don't want to be treated rudely is also a bad attitude.

I wouldn't use my problems as an excuse to act however I wanted and just expect people to deal with me. There is a certain responsibility to try to improve oneself and try to be kind to others regardless of the disability. Trying and failing is ok, but not trying at all is inexcusable in my opinion and I wouldn't deal with it either.

I know now that I have problems that make it hard for other people to deal with me and can cause them pain, so I am working on them. It's the right thing to do, and it's a way of showing respect to others.

Reading some books and articles on ADHD, I think I can call myself somewhat autistic.

I used to throw doors, yelling at my mother, and break glasses when I was younger and feeling stressful when social life overwhelmed me.

I am now married and have a son (autistic two years old) and a daughter (4 months old).

Let me tell you what I do to take care of my life.

Find a religion. Read about them. You don't have to be a good believer of the god etc, just be a good believer in harmonies preached through religions. It can help you get a solid base from which you base all of your actions.

Be an atheist if you want to, but get a kind of religion, follow a philosopher, heck follow Oprah if you want.

From there, you would realize that making your mom happy is one fundamental good thing in life. She nurtures you at least 9 months in her womb, so try to make her happy.

I tried hard to get to good university majoring in good major and get a good job and be good at it simply to make my mother happy. I sometimes feel wrecked following this, but it gives me a sense of focus.

She would ask for grandchildren, so try to focus some of your efforts on that.

Getting a wife is a good life changer for me. If you can, try to get one from a loving, social family. I was relentless when pursuing my wife, because I know getting her would be a good thing for me, since her family is the most numerous, most united family I have ever seen. Three generations living in good harmony! Quite different from my own hectic, trouble prone family. I seek advices, I practive advices, I try to calm myself, telling myself that you need to convince her and her family to share their lives with you, to make your mother happy, sure that by doing so you're going to have good things coming for you.

She and her family in the end force me to have a sharper sense of focus due to the caring attentions they give to me.

Do breathing exercises. Inhale and exhale in regular rythm until your entire body calm down. I do it all the time. I can feel that my body goes through storm of anxiety to calm sea of bliss by doing that. Sometimes while doing it I fell to short, deep sleep of 15 minutes and wake up thoroughly freshed and ready to face anything in the world

You say you love playing video games, I suggest you try playing something like Torchlight II or Diablo III. They're mindless games that will keep your hands and eyes coordination trained while you can do other things, like training to breathe to calm yourself. I am 36, and I am still playing fighting games like Tekken 6 (through PSP emulators) or Skull Girls (through Steam), and sometimes Torchlight II. Or if you like to be more calm, try turn based strategy like Endless Space, or Civiliation V. Heck, try watching some gameplay videos if you don't feel up to gaming yourself, sometimes they inspire you to go gaming. It will alleviate some of your stresses.

Sometimes I too feel overwhelmed by social requirements, but what I do to that kind of situation? Breathing exercise and thinking that I explode here, people would look down on me strangely and people dear to me would be affected. So I simply stood there and smile. Faking smile and then avoiding gaze is enough. At least it tells people that you're there, not behaving, and not quite want to be talking.

In the end, it's up to you what is the center of your life. For me, it was trying to make my mother happy.

Sneaking in a few posts before work. I didn't read all the way down, only the first couple of responses.

Ummmm....I'd hazard to guess that this attitude could have something to do with it.

For as much as you want your mom to understand that you sometimes feel overwhelmed by interactions, perhaps a good place to start it for you to understand that your mom may crave them. Your needs are not more important than your mom's. I am not saying hers are more important than yours. I mean, I get your needs may be more important to YOU, but if you are going to allow yourself to say your needs trump everyone else's, then you need to give others that same liberty.

Before you get p*ssed at me, I am not suggesting you have to talk to your mom when you are not able. Please read the rest. I am really trying to help.

My connectedness to my kids is important to me, and if either of my kids told me to "leave them alone" or that they don't want to talk, it would not sit well, and I am absolutely NOT bigoted against my kids' conditions, nor do I not understand. I am actually a shadow, so I "get it." But it is rude for them to tell me to leave them alone when I want to interact with them. There are better ways to go about it.

Could you, instead of using phrases like "leave me alone" or "I don't want to talk to you," say something like "Can we talk later? I need some alone time." To a mother's ears, that is far less offensive. All of us (me and my kids) have the right to ask for alone time and to have it respected. But that doesn't mean we never talk or always avoid talking. It means that when someone is feeling overwhelmed, they get to destress and get themselves back together before talking. You could also make it a practice to approach her to talk to her when you are feeling up to it, whether you really want to or not, to establish some reciprocity.

Have you been formally diagnosed? It sounds like you're having enough hard times in your life to where one may be helpful. A diagnosis may also help your mom to better understand you.

That's a great idea. If you have a diagnosis, it could make things easier between you and your mum.