dealing with grief as an aspie

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Could use some help understanding death an adjusting to change . Last year my aunt was murdered an my friend committed suicide. Any aspies with experience with grief or parents whom have helped grieving aspies through their questions an processes?

Sorry to hear you are going through this. My father died in October and I had to deal with a stroke and tongue cancer that has made me non verbal, all occurring this year. I had a friend drop dead of heart attack at a young age.

It is likely your emotions and how you express them will not be typical. In my case it was to much to process and I was numb during the funeral when most are crying. Sometime later on be it weeks, or years later then it hits me.

I have been criticized in the past for not bieng emotional enough during things like the wakes and funerals which are set up to let people let their emotions out and much later for not getting over it. But how can I be expected to be getting over it when I was first starting to process it?.

But that is me. I just discussed my process as an example of atypical emotions. The timing and intensity and expression of your emotions will probably be different. An important complicating factor for you is that the deaths you are processing were not due to natural causes.

Your autistic brain needs to process these deaths the way it needs to process them. You should not fight your brain or let other people's criticism affect this. Others may want you to talk when what you need is quiet or stimming. Since you wrote this I assume you are ready to talk. You can see a professional preferably a clinician versed in ASD or maybe the person who diagnosed you. If there is a support group in Fairbanks for adults on the spectrum it might wise to join it.

Thanks for reaching out. Let's hope 2016 is a better year for both of us.

Sorry to hear of your loss. There is a hole in your life. It takes time to heal.

Is there anything specific that is troubling you?

When my aunt died she left behind tons of material possessions that suddenly were just objects because she was no longer there to endow meaning to them . Her body much the same rotted after she died in a snow bank an was eaten at by animals before she was creamated. I don't know like many people if her entity was merely the sum of her organs an it bothers me all her clothes an cds an such were less fallible than her flesh vessel.
I understand that the earth cannot be over populated an things such as procreation an Darwinism (evolution) but I don't understand why suffering as you die strategically could ever be a necessary measure to the functionality of existence. It seems unnecessary an serves only to alter the mental state an life style of the living. I want to know if my aunt an my friend are in an afterlife. An understand why my friend suffered until she had to shoot herself. Or why my family dealt with my aunts schizophrenia an drug addiction for years to have someone kill her. Its emotionally daunting of course ,an philosophically daunting ,but skematically I must understand the necessity of suffering. Is it function that isn't meant to assist us in any way ?Its been a year so I got way past the numbness an started feeling a great deal of anxiety an the impernant nature of our lives an how upside down my life felt especially having lost my first love. All of her children were also quite affected an custody issues almost tore my family apart. I've grown as a person an luckily as a high functioning individual don't suffer as much as I could. But sometimes I wake up an I feel like puking , or get hives ,or cry because I can't manage to find clothes that don't irritate me an I end up late to appointments. I've become unkind an untrusting where once I was naive an gentle of spirit ,an often I question if there's any point at all or if the meaning of life is denial as an adaptation to conform to an already in place system of life an then death. I do not like mental health professionals. I almost died at ones incompetence once from an incorrect prescription. They aren't all quacks but the qualifications obviously aren't that hard to overlook by mistake. :/

When my aunt died she left behind tons of material possessions that suddenly were just objects because she was no longer there to endow meaning to them . Her body much the same rotted after she died in a snow bank an was eaten at by animals before she was creamated. I don't know like many people if her entity was merely the sum of her organs an it bothers me all her clothes an cds an such were less fallible than her flesh vessel.
I understand that the earth cannot be over populated an things such as procreation an Darwinism (evolution) but I don't understand why suffering as you die strategically could ever be a necessary measure to the functionality of existence. It seems unnecessary an serves only to alter the mental state an life style of the living. I want to know if my aunt an my friend are in an afterlife. An understand why my friend suffered until she had to shoot herself. Or why my family dealt with my aunts schizophrenia an drug addiction for years to have someone kill her. Its emotionally daunting of course ,an philosophically daunting ,but skematically I must understand the necessity of suffering. Is it function that isn't meant to assist us in any way ?Its been a year so I got way past the numbness an started feeling a great deal of anxiety an the impernant nature of our lives an how upside down my life felt especially having been dumped by my first love. All of her children were also quite affected an custody issues almost tore my family apart. I've grown as a person an luckily as a high functioning individual don't suffer as much as I could. But sometimes I wake up an I feel like puking , or get hives ,or cry because I can't manage to find clothes that don't irritate me an I end up late to appointments. I've become unkind an untrusting where once I was naive an gentle of spirit ,an often I question if there's any point at all or if the meaning of life is denial as an adaptation to conform to an already in place system of life an then death. I do not like mental health professionals. I almost died at ones incompetence once from an incorrect prescription. They aren't all quacks but the qualifications obviously aren't that hard to overlook by mistake. :/

I am very sorry to hear about your tongue cancer your father an your friend. That sounds exceedingly difficult to process all within the span if one year. Ive been blessed with high functioning autism as a female an have learned to emulate my peers. I cannot fathom already being neurologically an anomally an then on top of that being incapable of speech. Perhaps sign language/ASL or Morse code (speaking through squeezing peoples hands or flashing lights or tapping it out ) could assist you gradually to communicating again. I don't understand your situation much like I don't understand my own but if you find some logic based sentiment in your trial to adapt an cope please do share it. Best of luck to u an thank you for sharing an responding.

My sister committed suicide when I was living in fairbanks. I tried to be resilient and compartmentalize it back then. Id rather talk about it with strangers than the people who knew her.

I never felt I had done right by my sister because she helped me when I was struggling while I overlooked a statement she made and it was the last thing I heard from her.

Things like the afterlife only make it worse, nobody can tell you what you'll experience after you stop living, it's just uncertainty all the way around. I think its a better idea to make life less sad. Some cultures just celebrate how ••••ed-up life is, its kind of cynical but death isn't very nice.

Did they find your aunt's killer? I heard that someone buried in the snow can wind up undiscovered until the spring thaw. Can't say I knew anyone myself, but I can see how it would happen.

It can take a long, long time to get over the suicide of a friend or relative. It must also be hard to imagine a family member being murdered - how do you maintain faith in human nature after something like that?

But Jaloria, it seems like your questions are existential or spiritual, and maybe you would be better served by some religious counsel, if you have a religion, or a meditation class or group, if you don't believe in religion.

I've spent three years trying to deal with and process the death of my dearest person to sudden cancer, plus half a year of learning to accept that another close friend also was lost to aggressive cancer, while both these people left those torn apart by losing them.

I do not have much to tell you aside from how it is like pinball, may or may not be processed in any clump of time, and can bring you back to day 1 just when you thought you were learning to be able to breathe again. I look at my parents, who are super elderly, and who have undergone tragedies in their own lives too, but still plug away; and their support for me helps a lot as an example. But you know, this is not the kind of thing you 'get over' or get 'cured' from in life. It just becomes a part of your life and who you are, from now on, even if you accomplish new things or pass milestones.

Good luck.

I too have loses that tear at my soul. One grows to accept it, to stop the guilt. You will heal

I'm really sorry for the loss of your aunt and your friend. I don't really have any first hand experience with grief regarding the loss of anyone close, but I think what you are doing is right. Keep expressing yourself, your feelings, talk to others about how you feel. Just don't bottle it up and keep it inside, if you are feeling sad, talk to someone. People who die can continue to exist in our memories, long after their physical body is long gone. Hold onto those memories, or express them in writing, art, music, or in any means that you feel suits you.

Consciousness & physicality both wane but minds that make impressions are rarely lost. Not to dismiss Noca but I think those we've lost are usually closer to our perception as a result. A couple years ago I shared a joint & a beer with a friend who was killed the preceding year. He seemed proud of what I was working on. People who see death as a terminus haven't seen it firsthand.

_________________
"Standing on a well-chilled cinder, we see the fading of the suns, and try to recall the vanished brilliance of the origin of the worlds."
-Georges Lemaitre
"I fly through hyperspace, in my green computer interface"
-Gem Tos

My mother died when I was 17, and my grieving has also been atypical. Numb. Others told me I was burrying my feelings and that that wasn't healthy, and I felt bad, because I couldn't find the feelings I was expected to show.

I have felt sad, on occasions, since, when something triggers a memory once in a while.

I still feel bad about not having felt more, at any point.

It's terrible to think that people would criticize showing no emotion. I feel like people who do this might not be true or honest with their own feelings. Loss and grief are complicated. It could be you simply don't trust these people with your feelings and I don't blame you.