Dating someone with Aspergers: behavior questions

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Recently I started dating someone who I think has Aspergers; when I first met him three months ago, he mentioned it in passing, and I mostly forgot about it until I started reading about it online. I was really surprised how many characteristics he fits into (but definitely not all). He's in his late 20s and has two "habits" that I can't really understand: he has trouble throwing things away (things that he is and isn't attached to--anything from family photos to an empty container), and he also has what I guess is called a verbal stim: he will say the same phrase kind of randomly, especially if there's a lull in conversation or he feels uncomfortable.

Are these normal for an adult with Aspergers? Regarding the stim, I've taken the approach of just ignoring it, but is this the right thing to do?

Don't make a big deal about his keeping old mementos--unless it is starting to cause problems with cluttering.

I'm not really sentimental about family photos--but he probably is. It's better not to start trouble in this case.

As for the verbal stim, I wouldn't make a big deal out of it--unless you're both going for something like a mortgage, or he's going for a job. He should probably try to restrain it if he's going to a wedding or something like that--but if he doesn't want to, don't force the issue.

Is collecting (or even hoarding) a co-symptom of Aspergers?

I'm curious if the stim is (a) common with adults (it seems common with children), and (b) is it helpful or comforting for him to say it?

Not necessarily--unless the collecting/hoarding is related to an Aspie's "special interest."

I have never been a collector of anything. I'm one who likes as few things as possible. I like wide, open spaces.

I have a few verbal stims myself. I can restrain myself if need be. But I choose not to--and it's gotten me in trouble. I don't think the verbal stim is an evitable part of Asperger's.

These behaviors are kind of incidental. A more important issue for someone in a relationship with an aspie is whether the two of you can relate to each other emotionally. If you feel you can, don't worry about these other things.

However, it is true that behavioral things such as the verbal stim or hanging on to junk can really get on a person's nerves, so you'll have to decide for yourself if they bother you and if you want to ask him to try to stop doing them. Sometimes it's possible to replace one stim with another more acceptable one.

Being attached to family photos is normal I thought. My mum has 8 or 9 big boxes full of old photos what she would never part with.

But there's a difference between keeping sentimental possessions and hoarding unnecessary clutter or even rubbish.

As with verbal stims, it depends on what it is. Some verbal stims/habits are not odd. My NT boyfriend often says my name out loud in a singsong way, but not to get my attention. It's just a habit of his.

I know it's frustrating to have to explain things in deeper detail to get through to people, but could you elaborate more on the types of behaviours of your partner?

Hoarding isn't typical for aspergers/autism, it might be an unrelated issue or, as Kraftie said, something to do with one of his interests.

Stimming for adults is a lot more common than you'd think. Most will have trained away vocal stims, as they are quite obvious, but it is far from uncommon to have vocal stims.
Indeed, it will relax him, perhaps make it so he doesn't hear the normal background sounds of the location you are in (the lights buzzing, the power sockets sparking, the heating water flowing, the wood creaking... silence is deafiningly loud sometimes), or he just doesn't want the conversation to end so he just says anything.

It is nearly impossible to tell exactly why someone uses a certain stim, but they are all used to either relax or to prevent stress from building up in the first place (or both)

The inability to throw things away can be caused by executive dysfunction, which makes it difficult to make a final decision about whether something should be kept. He probably thinks of the "vocal stim" as his catchphrase, like a character on TV would have.

Thanks guys, very helpful. He's a talker, so "not wanting the conversation to end" is kind of interesting. Never considered that.

I shouldn't have used family photos as an example--obviously most people are sentimental about them. I just meant anything that has personal value. But it illustrates the point that an extreme exists between sentimental things and trash.

Joe, I don't want to elaborate too much for privacy reasons, but some things I've noticed:

--Has trouble with irony/humor.
--Very bonded with me, has problems with other people. Won't look them in the eye, can be snappy (without meaning to?) But rarely snaps at me.
--Don't make friends easily, socially awkward, doesn't have a clue about social or facial cues. This can be embarrassing for me if we are talking to someone and he is rude (without meaning to be?) which mostly happens with strangers.
--Poor conflict resolution.
--Very one-sided conversations.
--Very "ADD," always moving, wants to be doing something.
--Sometimes has trouble making decisions.
--Smart (getting his Masters in college)
--Sometimes trouble sleeping.
--Doesn't really have a "special interest" that I know of...but it could be too early in the relationship to tell.
--I have not noticed any other stims, or speech problems, or clumsiness.
--Doesn't engage in repetitive behavior at all.
--Has a lot of interests.

So...some of what I have been reading matches, some doesn't.

He just might be a test case of the maxim:

"If you've met one autistic person, you've met one autistic person."

He has some "symptoms" of Asperger's. But so do many people who are not autistic.

I wouldn't really emphasize the fact that he might/might not have Asperger's. I would deal with him as a person---day to day. See what you can tolerate, and see what you have difficulty tolerating.

Offer advice as a friend, not as a pseudoclinician.

I'm tempted to warn you about the container keeping, that was my husband at 26. He is a clinical hoarder, looking back there were so many warning signs. Life with a hoarder is not easy. Hoarding is not a symptom of aspie, it is a type of anxiety disorder in its own right.

The verbal thing, I'd leave it alone. He had the awareness to build a relationship with you, so it's a fair bet he has the awareness to realise he is doing it, so he is either unable to control it, or doesn't think he should have to. Either way, it's of no benefit to your relationship to address it. When you think he's comfortable enough discussing his aspie with you, you can ask him about it, I don't mind telling people about my traits, as long as they in all their NT wisdom having never experienced a disorder in their life, don't start offering advise to fix it.