What are acceptable ways to show interest when pursuing

Post Reply New Topic

A little background--after years of being terrified of dating due to trauma I've finally started to get over it and even ended up considering dating a possibility for me (which I hadn't before). It's still not particularly important to me, but I know that it's okay for me to explore and make mistakes and there are quite a few people I wouldn't mind pursuing.

I have no idea where to begin; this isn't something I've considered a part of my life until a couple weeks ago. I've been told that I need to "show interest" but otherwise treat the person I pursue like I treat everyone else...but what are acceptable ways to show interest that are strong enough that the person will understand but not so strong that it makes the person uncomfortable or gets in the way of a possible friendship? Of course, "flirt" isn't really an answer that makes sense to most of us.

Basically, I like connecting with people on an emotional level. Usually that comes in the form of friendship, but it might be fun to try it through dating too. But I have no experience with the dating, and I don't want to accidentally sexually harass people.

If they happen to welcome your advance, then you know it was acceptable. If you're not a worthy suitor, pursuing is harassment at best. Either take the risk or stay away.

ask them to go for coffee. if they say, "no," don't ask again.

the best way to start is by just talking and seeing if there is any compatibility. no expectations if there is, it could just be a friendship compatibility or something more. if you think romantic interest is mutual, ask them on a date. the most acceptable way to show romantic interest is to ease in slowly and never expect the other party to want the same thing you want.

It depends on where you live.

My way of showing interest is to simply walk up to the person I'm interested, tell them that I find them interesting, discuss what I find interesting about them, and if my interests are in forming a lasting relationship, then I'll confront them with my intent, and exchange contact information and/or arrange to meet up somewhere together in the near future.

If they say no, or they refuse, then I slow my advances down considerably and take things back a little, apologize for my forwardness, then attempt to approach them from a different angle. If they're not interested the second time around, then I'll fallback to some of my more indirect and subtle strategies and tactics. If they so no a third time, then I apologize for misinterpreting their interest, and attempt to withdraw from the conversation as quickly, and as politely, as I can possibly manage without causing them offense.

So far that's only happened a few times, and almost exclusively with genuine straight men/gay women, who are naturally resistant to the kinds of charms, tactics and strategies I make use of.

INteresting. How exactly do you go about this, Idealist sir?

I mean, give us an example of exactly what you'd say, word-for-word, to an attractive woman you see.

"Hi there, my names X, and I think you are interesting in that..."

How do you do that without coming across as creepy?

As a rule, if you're patient enough, most people in possession of a brain will realize you've no intention of being creepy. While the patience called for differs vastly from person to person, it's not wasted.

I wouldn't count on that---good predators need to be patient, so patience can be taken as a sign of wickedness.

Or just at face value. Why all the bio-mimicry all of a sudden? NTs don't do that, they're justified in acting human. You're saying that we're completely at the mercy of others' reflexive anxiety? Can anybody point out one positive course of action that won't be perceptually turned against all aspies?

Better to do whatever we please with our lives than nothing whatsoever...

In my observations and personal experiences, most NT females look for signs that you interact with them differently than you do other females. This is probably by far the most common thing we tend to look for, as evidence that you are possibly interested. So there is really a lot of room to give those sorts of signs without being too forward or aggressive. It basically consists of any little things that you don't normally do with or for other females.

As an example, I worked in a gas station as a cashier / food prep worker, and I had a male coworker who worked stocking the coolers. This guy pretty much never talked to anyone unless he had to do so, like ever. He seemed a bit shy to me and also had a rigid, polite formality to his demeanor. I thought he was really cute in my own personal tastes, so my brain was automatically on the look out for any such signs. Well one day I was getting some things off a shelf and he was several feet away, and I didn't need help, but he approached me and offered to help, which I accepted. Then before he ended his shift, he offered to take my trash out to the dumpster for me on his way out.

So those were two very little things that did not in any way scream, "I want to get in your pants" or could possibly be misconstrued as inappropriate. But you can bet your britches that I noticed, and that I thought about it a lot for the rest of the day, and the next day (he wasn't there). I also responded to these perceived possible signs by being as friendly and polite as I possibly could, and I'm normally not that way at work, more so the friendly but half-asleep and mumbling type. So my brain picked up on and honed in on those two little things big-time because A. I was interested, and B. he was treating me differently than he ever treated other females in my observations.

The ending of the story kind of sucks as I was fired that same week and never saw him again, BUT I think it's still good example, because had I not been fired for sucking at cashiering, I would have tried to make the next move by going out of my way to talk to him.

I could give more examples from female friends over the years, but that is the most common trend I see by far. They will be on the look out that you treat them differently (in positive ways) and are likely to read into it heavily.

Some more short examples:
- You go out of you way to talk with them more than you do with others
- You do a nice little thing/favor for them that you wouldn't normally do for others
- You make it a point to try to be near them as opposed to others
- You seem to smile a lot more when talking with them than you do with others
- You show more interest in how they are doing / how their day has been than you do in others
- You are willing to pause in something you're doing to pay attention to them, when you normally wouldn't do that for others

And so on and so forth.

If she is mutually interested and not the sort to play weird games, then she is very likely to respond to your behaviors by reciprocating them, i.e. start interacting with you in different, positive ways compared to how she interacts with other males.

I feel I should point out that from my standpoint at least, weird games aren't all bad. I think it's healthy to acknowledge the gift of a challenge sometimes, as one of those "free tech support means I love you" types that's just a cornerstone of how I live.

I don't see that as a weird game, I see that as a good example of what I was trying to explain. If you don't give free tech support to just anybody, then it becomes a sign that you care for someone. However, if you give free tech support to all of your friends, then giving free tech support to a romantic interest doesn't signal that you feel for them anything more than what you feel for a friend.

I'm not very good at articulating some things, but I guess what I mean by "weird" games is the sort of behavior common with more pathological dysfunctions. Immaturity or a personality disorder could lead to such things. If a woman responds to you showing interest by trying to make you jealous, running hot-and-cold, only seeming to reciprocate interest when she needs something, etc, in my opinion those are signs that the game itself is more valued than the person for whom the game is played. Which means the game is likely to be very drawn-out, confusing and stressful, and in the end, she might have no real interest in you, after all.

If you rely primarily on doing favors to show affection, there is nothing wrong about that, I don't think it is a "weird game" at all. But in regards to effective strategy, it just helps to keep in mind that the average woman will assess whether or not you behave that way towards others, in order to try to gauge whether you're just a really friendly, helpful guy, you do that sort of things for all of your friends, or if it possibly means you have a special interest in her.

So it's not so much my behavior on its own that would tip someone off as my behavior to that person compared to how I'd ordinarily behave? That actually makes a lot of sense.

The problem with lists of "flirting behaviors" is that a lot of them are things I cannot comprehend, things I would NEVER do, or things I do to pretty much everyone, so I had no idea. Plus, I'd kind of been stuck on this "I'm going to treat everyone like people and not love interests" thing but if I'm going to actually pursue anyone that probably isn't actually necessary or productive, is it?

But if there's one thing I can be aware of, it's how I already naturally treat people. If I go out of my way to treat someone differently then, being a little more helpful or interested or whatever beyond what I'd ordinarily do to anyone I'm trying to pursue a friendship with, maybe that would be enough.

I think I may have had problems before because I'm intensely loyal to my friends, because I already love a lot of them. If I just have a crush on someone, even if I'm pursuing that person, I could see myself dropping an interaction with that person in favor of a close friend. It seems like there's probably a line I need to walk between still giving my friends the attention I feel they deserve and not making the people I'm pursuing feel like they mean nothing to me, isn't there?

Word-for-word eh? I know what your talking about, "pick up lines" right? Those don't really work on women. At least not by themselves. Sometimes they make for good icebreakers, or conversation starters, though you usually have to followup with some quick-witted banter, where you either comment on, or make fun of the pick up line.

From my experience, no two women are the same, and so the way I approach them has to be different as well.

Firstly, I never approach anyone without a clear objective in mind, which always boils down to two things. Either I need/want something from them, or I have something that they might need/want.

In a way, I suppose it becomes a kind of challenge of sorts, or game if you will. One with a very clearly defined main goal, with an added chance of accumulating secondary goals as the conversation progresses.

Considering the type of things I'm attracted to, my main objective is almost always information. Once I've obtained either the amount of information I sought, or as much information as their willing to give me about whatever it was. I then deduce from the time we've shared together if they need anything, and if so, can I give it to them.

One example would be to covertly reveal to a woman who is going through serious "man troubles" that I hear her and know exactly where she's coming from. Most assume I'm gay and generally roll with it, giving voice to their problems and concerns, giving their recently washed laundry a good proper airing out. Some have actually outright asked if I was gay, I like when that happens, I get to pretend to be half shocked while making it seem like I just caught myself, subtle enough that she was just able to catch it, but not obvious enough that she can react to it. I of course clarify that I am in fact bi, which can lead to a variety of interesting paths depending on how progressively minded she is.

In more conventional meetings, there are certain considerations that must be taken into an account, simple things like:

What are both of us are wearing?
Say I'm wearing a suit, and the woman is wearing casual/skater/sports wear, then I'm not going to have access to the kind of options I normally would have in situation where we're both wearing similar clothing.

Does she want others to consider her attractive?
Not every woman that puts an effort into the way she looks is seeking to draw attention to this fact, but those that do will expect a man to savor the view. For the former, I give them a cursory glance, enough time to capture and decipher everything about them, but not long enough to seem any more interested than any other casual observer would be. For the latter, I'll often try to let them catch me staring at their "assets" before I make my approach. If it looks like their either interested or not put off by my staring, I'll make eye contact, then look away quickly once they've met and pretend to look flustered. Then I'll awkwardly walk up to them, and start talking to them, all the while maintain my awkwardness, while making it seem like I'm gaining confidence and relaxing. Sprinkle a few compliments here and there, then we can quickly move onto the real conversation.

Then there are those times when I throw caution to the wind and just jump in, which is to say that I become so infatuated with the source of my curiosity that blinds me. An example?

Hey there! I was just over there sitting by the fountain, when you jogged past me, and I saw your shoes. Those look awesome! It's the first time I've seen shoes like that. It's like they're some kind of glove-socks turned into trainers. That's just awesome! Hey wait a moment, I know you. Yeah, I've seen you around the campus, your names... Actually I don't think I remember your name, but you're in the same Physics class as Graham right? Big tall guy with dreadlocks, has one volume setting: Loud! Yeah? Yeah! I knew I knew you. So what is your name? Jane? Oh my God, I love that name. One of my favorite actresses is called Jane. Who? It's Jane Fonda. She retired awhile back, but she recently stepped back out, and is currently starring in a Netflix Original, and...

Oh! Oh... Your that Jane... What? No-no-no, it's nothing bad, it's just, well you know Josh? He's got blonde hair, blue eyes, just a couple of inches taller than yourself. Yeah? Well, he's kind of interested in you. He's tried a few times already to try and talk to you, but... It's so strange. Because in the past he's always been fine talking with other women, even one's he said he fancied, but with you it's different, I think he really likes. Though I can see why, I've only just met you, and I think you're awesome. So what do you think of Josh? Oh, you never really noticed him? What about now? Yeah, I suppose it's a bit soon to have an opinion on someone you've just learned is interested in you. Well, Josh is a good guy, a genuine guy, not a player like some guys.

*casually look over at some random male students*

-

With older women, it's a completely different story. Since I'm genuinely attracted to older women, conversations tend to be more about enjoying the moment, rather than guiding them towards a predetermined goal. I also don't have to try so hard, and feel like I can be more like the person I want to be, rather than the person I think they want me to be. Older women tend to be more upfront about what they actually want, and realistic with their expectations. We can also relate certain kinds of pain and grief, they've known loss just as I've known loss. When you've lost that important part of you that kept you focused on the future, when your heart is fragmented, only someone who has experienced what you've experienced, and endured what you've endured. Only that kind of person can share your pain, and make it hurt a little less.

I think I'm the only 27 year old guy I know that considers himself middle aged. They think their young and are ready to embrace the future. I have no future, it was lost to me long ago, I'm about ready to close this chapter of my life and move on to the next. Alas, it seems that old age won't come fast enough, it feels like each new year grinds past a little more slower than the last one. I've already gone through my bucket list, twice, and it was pretty extensive. College, University, Job Hopping, PC Games, Sex, five of my favorite things to kill time. Thank God education in Scotland is free, up to a point.



I generally only do that in an environment where they may have already heard my name, such as at the end of first day classes, or on the first day of a new work placement. It would be somewhat difficult to pull it off with a stranger, though not impossible.

So, people keep referring to "women" in this post, but just to clarify, do all these things work on males too? If I do any pursuing I'll be going after people from all genders, and theoretically I don't think there should be a difference but in practice I know there might be.