I´ve been studying clinical psychology for some years now. When I started my masters in 2013 I was very afraid of finally doing an internship. I´ve always had doubts about what I wanted to become and what I was capable of. In 2014 I finally decided to start an internship-programme where I thought first year students communicative skills. I passed the internship with a sufficient grade, but I always felt very tense and fearful while doing the internship. I was scared to death to be teaching communicative skills to those students. During meetings with other teachers/trainers and our supervisors I wasn’t very present. I found it really scary to share my thoughts or opinions with the group members, so I hardly said anything. Eventually I did get a sufficient grade, probably because of the reports I wrote (those were pretty good), but I know teachers had trouble understanding my insecurity and the fact that I was quite withdrawn.
Because I didn’t like my First internship too well and I wanted to keep my options open for later, I started doing a second internship in december of this year in primary mental health care institution. I was really scared again, but I hoped that this would maybe suit me better. And also, I could get my first certificate in basic psychodiagnostic work, needed to eventually become a health care psychologist. I’ve been doing my internship there for several months now (4 x 8 hours a week), but it is not going well. I am struggling so much with myself. Nearly every activiteit or responsibility I have stresses me out; intakes, trainings/workshops, diagnostic research, interaction with colleagues. It feels like chaos in my mind and I have a lot of negative and fearful thoughts that stop me from doing everything I do. I feel so insecure. I really feel ‘stuck’, and I only see things going downhill. Every week and every day, the thought of going to my internship again makes me feel stressed. I even feel like crying the day before my internship-week starts. When I know that I have to go to my internship the next day, then I typically don’t sleep well. I find myself worrying, consciously or unconsciously about what I’ve done wrong and the responsibilities I have the next day. My body and mind feel tense. About a month ago a had a preliminary evaluation with my supervisor. They think I'm a nice girl, but I don’t function good enough and if I go on like this I will not pass my internship. Commenting on the preliminary evaluation, t I was told several things that needed to go better; take more initiative, better plan ahead, be more independent, ask for help more quickly, be less perfectionistic. I find it extremely difficult to follow the planning ... many (especially written) tasks I don’t finish in time, according to my supervisor because I'm a perfectionist. I know I should quit a task, but I often go by because I am afraid that otherwise I am not prepared well enough or it is simply not good enough.
Also, I am not mastering the intakes while I’ve been practicing for several months now ... apparently I don’t ask the right questions in order to rapidly enough asses the complaints and type of complaints. I am not good enough at ‘funneling’ as it where. While other interns would already have started doing treatments, I am not good enough at intakes yet to be doing treatments. When it comes to trainings and workshops; during the conduct of that training I feel very insecure standing in front of the group. In addition, I feel very uncomfortable when colleagues supervise my sessions (individual or training)(which until now so is the case, because I am not good enough to be doing them by my self). I feel so tense when I am being supervised and watch that a get some kind of black out where I don’t function as well anymore. Also, I find making contact with colleagues (6 psychologists, further indirect colleagues) very stressful and difficult. I am very conscious of myself, whether my behavior is "professional" or not, what they think of me, and I therefore find it difficult to respond spontaneously. In line with this, I find it difficult to call out for help when I cannot solve something, because I do not know when to call for help and also I need to find that person at the right time.
My colleagues are all quite busy. I also find the contact with them at all makes me feel very tense because I am always so always afraid what they think of me, or that they will get angry at me if I have a problem (you had earlier on should solve). I always feel that I am lacking. It feels to me like a lot of pressure and requirements that I must fulfill in order to pass my internship. The more responsibilities and / or expectations come with it, the more I feel pressured, which causes me to feel stress and worry and the chaos in my head.
Last week I had a conversation with my supervisor. I then honestly told him I felt my internship was not going too well. He agreed with that, had the same ideas, and saw that indeed I was struggling a lot. Again, he asked me the question of what I needed for them to feel comfortable, to be function better and to actually start "learning" ... but I just can’t find the answer to that question. It feels like something I need to fix within myself but I cannot solve. I feel so stupid that I can’t answer that question. Then we talked about the fact that I am at a disadvantage here because I am all alone in this internship and they (colleagues) are all just very busy. The former intern departed prematurely. That way I have no ‘mate’ that I can ask about things, who is in the same position, and with whom I can share my problems. That just makes such a big difference for me. Unfortunately, this is what it is. The same goes for the guidance/supervision they can offer me; I myself will really have to ring the bell when I have a problem. For them it would be simply to busy to always take me by the hand. I understand this, but I just feel very alone in this whole thing. Kind of like a small fish in a huge pond.
I think that if I chose an internship at a different place, with more favorable circumstances, that I might have felt better and also less anxious, so my learning / my performance would have been way better. Unfortunately, there is no other way, because I have chosen this internship, and changing is no longer possible. I am now facing the choice of quitting or continuing the internship. I am having extreme doubts. On the one hand, I would of course like to have my first certificate in basic psycho diagnostic work so that I can later eventually become a professional health care psychologist. On the other hand, I just feel awful about going to my internship every day. I do not know whether I will succeed or pass my internship anyway, and I feel miserable when I'm there. My emotions speak; stop, get out of here, you feel horrible, stress, this is hell. But I am so afraid that I will later regret quitting or not making more effort to pass the internship. A friend says that it is in fact is already clear that I should better stop, as it takes me so much mental energy. My boyfriend however says it’s better to be in hell another 5 months and get the certificate, instead of not making it and eventually later regretting that I didn’t pass. Which makes me very depressed and pressured because then I think: yes, that’s true. Any regrets that I'm going to get later… they are my greatest fear. Furthermore, I feel like I disappoint people if I stop or don’t pass the internship. My parents, who pay a lot of money for my education, and are very proud of their clever and educated daughter... my boyfriend, who has a full-time job (college / university) which he is really good at, and which suits his education.
I still have no diagnosis, so I do not know if my troubles are caused by autism. The trajectory for a diagnosis won’t start until March, so until that time I don’t know why this internship feels as heavy as it does.
I have extreme doubt about this and I don’t know what to do anymore. At the same time I am very much aware that I myself must make the decision.
I’ve been thinking about this almost every day… even now on the weekend. I am so scared of the future, of not finding a job, about not being able to function in society. Without diagnosis but certainly with a diagnosis as well.
Has anyone ever been in a similar situation? Any ideas or thoughts?
Love
10 Jan 2016, 9:35 am
Principally one can only take 2 years to complete a masters degree. I already asked for a year of postphonement to the board of examiners so that I could do this 2nd internship. Also, students that started by the year of 2014 aren't even allowed to do 2 internships at all. So I am already in some sort of priviledged position to be able to be doing another internship. So I can't just take some kind of semester break.
