I was wrong

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It was never my intention to ever impact, intrude, influence or interfere in anybody's life. From the time I was a little boy and met other children, I just knew I was not like them and was not part of them.

To this day, I feel like I simply cannot reach other, normal people who all seem to be able to reach to and bond with each other fairly easily.

I can't understand why I have to feel loneliness, a desire to bond with others, a desire for an intimate relationship with a girl, a desire to love and be loved, when I don't have the ability to do what they seem to be able to do.

The desires mentioned have made me try to bond with people, and wanted them to bond with me. I've tried having a relationship too, and fell in love with a particular girl very much.

However, I have failed in all of the above. I haven't made the friends I wanted, I don't have the girl I wanted and all of these people are now angry with me, resent me (perhaps/in all likelihood even hate me), and I can tell I have had some kind of impact on them, which as I stated, I did not want.

I think I expected too much from them. I should have guessed (before I attempted any of those things) that being different was just too much for them to handle, or get over in order for me and them to form bonds.

I really don't mean that sarcastically or I'm not slighting them one bit. I mean it in the truly literal sense of what I'm saying.

It's my fault. I thought we could bond despite me being different, and now I've realized, I was just asking too much.

I wish their anger could abate just a little, enough for them to answer the phone when I call, so that I could say sorry, and that I never meant to impact them in any way.

I've decided I want to live "light". Detached. A background mover and shaker.

I have an immense desire to help humankind, and I get lots of satisfaction from some of the small things I have done.

I feel that perhaps I was sent here on some kind of mission, and that I am not here to be human as such, but to experience human things so that I can learn and then craft and tailor my mission in order to help people specifically in what they need.

When I think of me as someone on a mission like that, my life makes a lot of sense. The separation, the detachment from society, the inability to integrate and even find a partner, like humans do.

I am simply in human form to understand, and hone the purpose of my mission. Solve problems and help people in exactly what they want, not someone who is out of touch and gives them what they don't need. It makes much sense.

I am to exist like a ghost. Zero impact on anyone, but assist in the bigger picture. Do things without people even knowing I was there.

I just hope it's not too late for me to do that, I hope I haven't compromised myself.

It was never my intention to influence the life of anyone. I realize I was wrong to want humans to bond with me, I expected too much from them.

I'm really sorry.

I just really love and care. I want to help. I don't like to see suffering and struggling.

I didn't mean to fall in love and impact her life with my presence. I didn't mean to be friends with humans and impact their lives with my presence. I messed up, and I'm so sorry.

I guess my question is, can anyone relate to ever feeling like this at some point? Is this a form of depression?

I guess I do feel a little unhappy and depressed about it, hence why I'm asking if it's that.

I would like to be part of people's lives, but they seem to shut me out for some reason, don't like me asking questions or giving compliments, etc. I feel like a freak and a weirdo, intruding where I am unwanted.

The feeling is so strong/overwhelming that I avoid people as much as possible.

It's a feeling of lost life. Countless people have experienced this. Including many people here.

Do you also feel like you are an unwelcome intruder when you try to be part of people's lives?

It's such a saddening feeling. I mean no harm. I just care. I don't know what I did for people to see me as such a monster.

I'm trying to live my life in isolation so that I affect nobody, but it's so hard to do. I am at a university, it's impossible to avoid people, especially people my age (who seem to feel this way most strongly of all age groups).

If a person says I'm an "unwanted intruder," I just stay away.

It doesn't mean you're an "intruder." Unless you really were being obsessive about the situation--like if you wrote her hundreds of letters, followed her around, rang her doorbell constantly, stuff like that.

Just being present in her life doesn't make you an intruder in an objective sense.

You are a human being. You deserve to be treated with dignity. You deserve to be able to converse with other humans. Don't let anybody tell you otherwise.

How long had you known these people for? : )

I'm sorry you feel that way AdrianR.I think I may,in part relate to what you are saying,as KraftieKortie said I think many can,at least in part,relate to what your saying.I myself have experienced conflict in the past between wanting to connect with people,but feeling as if I only burden them instead,wanting to connect,but also wanting to isolate myself from a mix of frustration and fear of varying kinds,though I don't think I have felt the degree of conflict you have.I think that perhaps your sadness could be the result of you grieving your loss or perceived loss of these relationships,which I think would be natural.As for a matter of deserving this or that,social bonds are a human need,something we all need,isolating oneself will worsen one's condition,even a solitary sort needs some kind of social bond with people eventually.I personally don't think it good for you to avoid bonding with people at all,I think it will cause you more grief and could make it harder to help people.Connecting with people can be hard,really hard,it takes a degree of vulnerability and willingness to trust,certainly there will be times when you will get burned and it will be tempting to avoid trying to bond with people at all,but please don't give up trying,its worth the risk when you make that bond.