Am I doing this right? Want advice! (Online dating)

Page 1 of 1 [ 7 posts ] 

Briareos
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jan 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 100
Location: Central Canada

01 Mar 2016, 12:19 am

I recently got back into online dating after a year or so of abstaining from it. I didn't take down my profiles during that time so they've kind of been ghosts in the shells (puns).

anyways, I don't know why I decided to try it again, I just kind of felt like it. I felt like my attitude has kind of changed since then, I used to complain slightly, and be a little bit defeatist.
Right now I'm focusing on OKCupid, and I sent some messages to girls I was interested in. There's one in particular I'm really interested in, and I sent her a message this morning.

I wrote:
"Hi there, I'm Andrew! I saw your profile and was very interested, so I thought I would send a message!

I love anime too! I thought Gurren Lagaan was great! I just wish my step brother didn't spoil it for me while I was watching it! P.S., my OKC name is from the Appleseed series.


That's not too wordy, right? I incorporated an interest into the message, rather than the typical 'hi there how's it going'. I'm an A-lister so I know she read it. I didn't get a response. Ok then, no problem, I waited out the rest of the day. I decided I'd send a second message, asking if she was down to either do voice chat or meet in person. She read it still no response. Was I maybe too quick to respond?? I don't wanna seem desperate so I'm gonna wait a couple days for a response. What I don't get is that she liked me, albeit 6 months ago, and I liked her back recently. I would have expected a quicker response, or one at all.

So is she not interested anymore? Is it because I left my profile up? If she doesn't respond in a couple of days, should I send another message asking if she's still interested or not? Are people on dating sites just really fickle? Some of the other girls read my messages and I haven't gotten a response from any of them. Can I just send a first message to someone saying I'm willing to meet with them? Or is that too forward? I'm specifically looking for girls into nerdy things like anime or video games so we at least have something in common to talk about. That's fair right?

If you can answer any of these questions, or just give me tips about this online dating stuff, I'd appreciate it. I'm trying to be proactive about this, and stay positive while I slog through this. I'm wholly aware it's a numbers game and I'll continue on if she doesn't respond, I'll just be super bummed I that becomes the case.

And once again, this became longer than it needed to be. (—~—)


_________________
ECU remapping in progress... (A.K.A. Rewiring my brain)
Progress: 70%

"If you focus on results, you won't change. If you focus on change, you'll get results."


The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 29,272
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

01 Mar 2016, 2:10 am

Message is fine, bit too enthusiastic (girls who had been on dating sites for a while tend to view most guys as desperate due to the load of messages they receive), but it all depends on hot you look like in the photo.



Briareos
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jan 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 100
Location: Central Canada

01 Mar 2016, 4:09 am

I dislike responding to my own post, but I realize now I might have come on too strong;
Hindsight is cruel. Guess I still need to improve my message skills and my overall tact.


_________________
ECU remapping in progress... (A.K.A. Rewiring my brain)
Progress: 70%

"If you focus on results, you won't change. If you focus on change, you'll get results."


The_Face_of_Boo
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 16 Jun 2010
Age: 38
Gender: Male
Posts: 29,272
Location: Beirut, Lebanon.

01 Mar 2016, 4:17 am

It all depends on how you look:

Hot guy saying that:
==> They'll view it as "Charismatic and cheerful".


Ugly guy saying that:
== > They'll view it as "Too strong and desperate".


Yes, I am not even kidding.



Briareos
Raven
Raven

User avatar

Joined: 6 Jan 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 100
Location: Central Canada

01 Mar 2016, 4:31 am

Here are my profile pictures: https://www.okcupid.com/profile/Breareo ... cf=profile

The longer hair is me right now.


_________________
ECU remapping in progress... (A.K.A. Rewiring my brain)
Progress: 70%

"If you focus on results, you won't change. If you focus on change, you'll get results."


GiantHockeyFan
Veteran
Veteran

User avatar

Joined: 18 Jun 2012
Age: 37
Gender: Male
Posts: 3,293

01 Mar 2016, 7:33 am

You need to understand that God himself couldn't get a response out of most OKCupid matches. Looking back, the only ones who were not incredibly flaky (usually ghosting after the first date or the first offer to meet even if things were going great) were messed up in the head. Online dating is a cesspool and it will destroy your confidence and self-esteem if you let it.

I think the word 'desperate' should be banned. Unless you send 10 messages a day, it's most likely the problem is with her. The only time I ever got an honest rejection was when a woman told me I looked too much like her ex but I imagine I was rejected for even more petty reasons. Maybe it's something ridiculous like your eye color but either way, they are doing you a favour.

Quote:
What I don't get is that she liked me, albeit 6 months ago, and I liked her back recently. I would have expected a quicker response, or one at all.
Don't read too much into it: I had a number of women send me first messages and then flake when I asked meet after 10-15 messages back and forth.
Quote:
So is she not interested anymore?
She was probably never *really* interested at all.
Quote:
Is it because I left my profile up?
Unlikely. She may have thought you saw her as a 'backup plan' but I doubt it.
Quote:
Are people on dating sites just really fickle?
Yes, more than you can imagine.
Quote:
Can I just send a first message to someone saying I'm willing to meet with them? Or is that too forward?
If the world was full of Aspies that would be nice but unfortunately it is seen as too forward.
Quote:
I'll just be super bummed I that becomes the case.
Might as well get used to it if you are going to continue with it: I wished I trusted my first instinct that said "there is a good reason why all these women are single" and stuck with it. Don't get too attached until a date shows they are worth it: few on dating sites are.



boofle
Deinonychus
Deinonychus

User avatar

Joined: 16 Feb 2016
Gender: Female
Posts: 300
Location: UK

01 Mar 2016, 9:17 am

@OP

Quote:
There's one in particular I'm really interested in, and I sent her a message this morning


Sending messages is good, because as you've noted it's a numbers game. However, forget your sent box.
Numbers game, remember? Your focus should be on your inbox. That's the box that indicates reciprocal interest.
Also, being interested in some over others isn't a bad thing but don't get invested too fast, too soon.

Quote:
I wrote:
"Hi there, I'm Andrew! I saw your profile and was very interested, so I thought I would send a message! 

I love anime too! I thought Gurren Lagaan was great! I just wish my step brother didn't spoil it for me while I was watching it! P.S., my OKC name is from the Appleseed series.


Had this been me (needs to be said i could hold a convo in an empty room) I'd have used the line about your step brother spoiling things for you as a conversation starter to ask you what happened, but, she chose not to. Possible indication of lack of interest, perhaps?

Regardless, it's a good first message, however, always try and close with a question that helps you learn more about them in every (and subsequent) message. It gives the other party something to respond to and hopefully they will be asking questions of the 'getting to know you' variety too which, allows you to sift by return.

Quote:
I decided I'd send a second message, asking if she was down to either do voice chat or meet in person. She read it still no response. Was I maybe too quick to respond?? I don't wanna seem desperate so I'm gonna wait a couple days for a response. What I don't get is that she liked me, albeit 6 months ago, and I liked her back recently. I would have expected a quicker response, or one at all


One message good. Two messages (without a reply) bad. Though sometimes it can't hurt but generally there's an unwritten understanding on dating sites that says 'no reply, is a reply'.
No further contact unless she gets around to replying, is recommended. Remember your focus is your inbox, not chasing your sent box.

Quote:
So is she not interested anymore?


Unless and until she replies, it's safest to assume this in the long run. She's (whomsoever it may be) interested if she's sat across from you on a date, after a meet n greet.
Play safe with how much of yourself and how much of your feelings you invest until you've had the exclusive talk. Till that point the mating dance is anybody's.

Quote:
Is it because I left my profile up?


Unlikely. Dating site inboxes are fast moving. She may not have remembered you from back then. She could be talking to, or seeing with a view to exclusivity, someone else by now.
In just my first hour of registering on another site i received over 120 messages. From a woman's pov you will hopefully see why it becomes, "no reply is a reply". And why what happened six months prior isn't relevant 'now'.

Quote:
If she doesn't respond in a couple of days, should I send another message asking if she's still interested or not?


Absolutely not. Ball's in her court now. Move on to the next profile.

Quote:
Are people on dating sites just really fickle?


Some are. Some aren't. Your only job is to make things simple for yourself. Focus on your inbox and keep messaging.

Quote:
Can I just send a first message to someone saying I'm willing to meet with them?


Unwise. Women have to take their safety into account too. There are a lot of weirdos about. At this point you're just a stranger. Exchange some messages, after a few, suggest a meet with a concrete plan of date, time n place, if she herself hasn't already. If she accepts, game on.

Quote:
Or is that too forward?


See above.

Quote:
I'm specifically looking for girls into nerdy things like anime or video games so we at least have something in common to talk about. That's fair right?


Of course! Look for what you like. You need to be attracted and find them worth getting to know too!


And finally, to me personally, you suit the shorter hair cut.

And you thought your post was long! :mrgreen: