Diff b/w personal and non-personal online dating 1st message

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The_Face_of_Boo
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15 Mar 2016, 5:20 am

Hi yellowtamarin, how are you doing?



Sweetleaf
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15 Mar 2016, 12:29 pm

Outrider wrote:

So one has to think long, carefully to craft a personalized message that doesn't cause a negative reaction out of the other person.

All this over-thinking can be solved with simply saying 'Hey, how are you?' and just hoping you get a response.

Dead-enders are the worst, but I can't understand why anyone would see the very first message as a 'dead-end message'.

It's the first message, it's the beginning of the conversation.

If someone says hello to me, I react with a hello and/or how are you back.

Don't feel guilty about this if it puts the effort back on them - you're both going to, or at least should be, starting to put in an equal effort by the 5th message beyond.

If not, it's probably not going to work out.


Just quoted the bit I am responding to*

Anyways, I don't think one has to think long and carefully craft a personalized message initially and worry about getting it absolutely perfect..and its certainly not good to over-think it. I just think it helps if a guy looks at the profile and finds something they have in common, doesn't have to be anything very significant...but like they could post 'hey, how are you, I notice you like a lot of the same music as me, have you been to any shows recently?' just something to get a conversation started.

Another of my reasons just 'hello' or 'hows it going' messages didn't really strike my interest is because its common for bots on those sites to send very short and simple messages. I noticed with a lot of the 'hows it going' messeges I didn't respond to and even some I did the profiles got deleted after a short time implying it was either a speed dater without patience to give it some time or a bot.

Also this could be specific to my region, but it's very common for people to say 'hey, hows it going' as they're walking past and just continue on their way without even waiting for a response. So I guess for me part of it is...i have it in my head that saying 'hey hows it going' from passing strangers is just a courtesy and not really an indicator they want details. So I guess it just hasn't struck me as a phrase one would use to imply they're interested in me.


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yellowtamarin
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15 Mar 2016, 6:18 pm

^ I've noticed that too. I usually delete messages right away that I'm not going to reply to, but sometimes I get lazy and leave them there, and a suspiciously large proportion of them become deleted accounts shortly after.

Also, messages that are much more detailed but are not personalised sometimes get sent to me more than once. They tend to be about a paragraph, quite friendly, saying hello and describing what they are looking for (often something a bit different to the norm) and that they'd love to hear from me if I'm interested. A month or two later...oh that same person is sending me the same message again!

Another type of message I receive more than once is one that tells me they enjoyed reading my profile and found me interesting, or that we have a lot in common, or that I sound [insert nice quality], but again it's not personalised - they are actually sending this same message to multiple people. Presumably without paying attention, because they forgot they had already written to me before.



yellowtamarin
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15 Mar 2016, 6:23 pm

The basic message I guess I'm trying to put out there is your non-personalised messages may work just fine, that's great, but keep in mind there are people who may be suspicious of them for all the reasons mentioned, and you may miss out on their replies. Just adding one thing in your message that gives them *certainty* that you read their profile, or considered them in some way before writing to them, is all that's needed to prevent that.



Laundryhampers
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15 Mar 2016, 7:32 pm

I agree. A standard one liner + some remark on their profile is the way to go.

How goes your Tuesday? + What's your fave [book by author she mentioned in her profile, cafe in town she mentioned in her profile].



yellowtamarin
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24 Mar 2016, 6:13 pm

Just stumbled across this in someone's OkCupid profile:

Quote:
You should message me if
You aren't going to ask me how has your day been or ask how i am coz im always going to say
Good thanks
Hmmmmmm, no where to go from there

Well, she WILL reply though, which is more than I would do ;)



The_Face_of_Boo
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26 Mar 2016, 5:16 am

I would not message her because she writes because as "coz".

Too much self entitlement too, what if a good conversation flows after that? What if he turns out compatible? How can she be so sure that no where to go from there?

You are losing a part of your humanity (the normal, natural flow of human communication flow part) with this "First message" rules obsession, you act like digital computing beings.



0_equals_true
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26 Mar 2016, 9:29 am

I was actually writing a similar reply, and got distracted.

I agree, it doesn't come across well.

I think focusing on negatives likes, that come across a wanting to be entertained. So I would say this person isn't going to provide much mental stimulation to the conversation, and may be hard work if it lasts that long.