I might have to break up with my girlfriend

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Tross
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19 Mar 2016, 12:21 am

I made a thread a while back that my gf is too obsessive. Well, now the straw might have broken the camel's back. I spent an afternoon with her once, after which I went to my weekly board game meetup with my friends. I like to think we had a great afternoon together, but I guess she thought we were going to hang out till the evening. Anyways, she sent my friend a text saying she was mad at him for making me spend time with him. First of all, he didn't make me spend time with him; none of my friends did. Secondly, saying something like that to my friend is really uncool.

I get that her disorder makes her obsess over me to unhealthy extremes. I mean I asked once if she had any hobbies to occupy her when I'm not around, and her response was that she "doesn't do hobbies", whatever that means. She gets unhappy when I just want some me time, or want to spend time with friends.

I've wanted a gf for a long time and don't really want to be single again, and I really care about this girl. That said, I'm not sure if I see a long term future with her, especially not marriage. If not then I'm lying to her, and most of all, to myself. This is something I'll have to think long and hard about, and it's going to hurt me too to break up with her, but maybe it's for the best. I mean, I struck up a conversation with a girl at my university and found that we both love videogames and Japanese media, and we had a much more normal conversation than I've ever had with my current gf. Maybe that's the kind of girl I should be looking for. My head is spinning. Any thoughts?



The_Face_of_Boo
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19 Mar 2016, 4:38 am

I was used to hate such girls, but I've recently came to the realization that it's not so bad to have someone crazily obsessive as long it doesn't extend to abuse. My friend is happily married to one - with two daughters.

Look at it in this way: It is *guaranteed* that this girl loves you, won't cheat on you and won't drop you in hard times, like loss of job.

She's probably jealous too, many girls often assume that guys go to strip clubs or talk about girls or something when they're togother, and that thought makes her boil.

She's by far better than the extreme opposite type: Never initates anything, never shows caring, and if you go into coma for a week she won't even know it by attempting to check on you... those latter type in my ex didn't have any sense of bonding, love or even loyalty - no matter how much time you spend with them.

Personally, I haven't dated someone who happens to be between the two, the girl either gets obsessive (type 1) like this, or totally indifferent (type 2). The latter weren't even good as FWB, they were so indifferent to my existence, like if I never makes an effort to reach them everytime, they don't care.

My advice is to try to make her involved in your hobbies as a compromise.



Stargazer43
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19 Mar 2016, 8:13 am

Have you talked to her about this?



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19 Mar 2016, 8:25 am

Actually yeah, I told you OP in that older post to talk to her about it first and, if she doesn't change, to possibly consider dumping her then.

Be polite yet honest.

Obviously don't say exactly what you've said in this post, but still make her know her behavior is posessive, unacceptable and you feel like you don't have your freedom, and you love her and understand she cares about you but it's too much for you to handle sometimes and you need your space.



slenkar
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19 Mar 2016, 9:00 am

Better to break up now than get into some commitment that you can't break free from later.



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19 Mar 2016, 1:06 pm

Tross wrote:
I made a thread a while back that my gf is too obsessive. Well, now the straw might have broken the camel's back. I spent an afternoon with her once, after which I went to my weekly board game meetup with my friends. I like to think we had a great afternoon together, but I guess she thought we were going to hang out till the evening. Anyways, she sent my friend a text saying she was mad at him for making me spend time with him. First of all, he didn't make me spend time with him; none of my friends did. Secondly, saying something like that to my friend is really uncool.
My friends are all like that with their girlfriends: they're, literally, NEVER apart, except for work, sleeping on weeknights, and medical. Getting them to spend time with me, a single guy, is like pulling teeth, and even then, they ALWAYS drag their girlfriends along.

I started joking with them about requesting furlough, a prison concept virtually nonexistent in the US, but common in some other countries (like Russia), because it saves prisons money. It when you're released into the free world unsupervised for a limited time, from a few days to up to a month. If you don't return, the penalties are very severe. Your activities and communication are almost always restricted. Only non-violent low-risk inmates get furlough.

I also nickname their relationships "a suitcase without handles". As in, too valuable to just drop and walk away, but very difficult, heavy, and cumbersome to carry around. They don't like it, but I have no shame in doing so.



Tross
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19 Mar 2016, 5:56 pm

Thanks for the replies everyone. I have talked to my girlfriend about it, but I did so in a roundabout way, saying that I can't always be around, even if I want to, which is true since I do have obligations such as work and school. I basically said I was concerned that she couldn't function without me, and suggested taking up some kind of hobby, but she said she "doesn't do hobbies", so that's out. I suppose I should stop beating around the bush, but I need to figure out how to give the truth delicately.

@The_Face_of_Boo I've tried to get her into my hobbies, but things like gaming are "guy hobbies", and she has no interest in them. There is this tv show I'm a closet fan of that I introduced her to, and I've had a little success with that, but she's more casually into it, and has to avoid watching it in front of her dad who's opposed to anything with magic in it, as he's associates it with witchcraft. I did try watching a little slice of life anime with her the other night and she seemed to like it. Kanon happens to be the only anime I own just because anime can be quite expensive, but it's easily my favorite slice of life anime. Still, that's only good when we're actually together.

I suppose it is true that I don't have to worry about her cheating on me, so there's that. I'm not in a rush to end things. I'm just not sure if a long term relationship in the cards. It will hurt me to end our relationship too, if it comes to it, but I think everyone is right. I need to communicate more. If I want it to work, I can't keep stuff to myself, like I'm doing. I just hope she can take it.



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19 Mar 2016, 9:50 pm

I was pretty obsessed with both my ex girlfriends & alittle bit controlling with them but not with my current because I'm on OCD medication. Perhaps you could try getting her to agree to see a relationship counselor with you.


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21 Mar 2016, 6:21 am

Tross wrote:
I made a thread a while back that my gf is too obsessive. Well, now the straw might have broken the camel's back. I spent an afternoon with her once, after which I went to my weekly board game meetup with my friends. I like to think we had a great afternoon together, but I guess she thought we were going to hang out till the evening. Anyways, she sent my friend a text saying she was mad at him for making me spend time with him. First of all, he didn't make me spend time with him; none of my friends did. Secondly, saying something like that to my friend is really uncool.

I get that her disorder makes her obsess over me to unhealthy extremes. I mean I asked once if she had any hobbies to occupy her when I'm not around, and her response was that she "doesn't do hobbies", whatever that means. She gets unhappy when I just want some me time, or want to spend time with friends.

I've wanted a gf for a long time and don't really want to be single again, and I really care about this girl. That said, I'm not sure if I see a long term future with her, especially not marriage. If not then I'm lying to her, and most of all, to myself. This is something I'll have to think long and hard about, and it's going to hurt me too to break up with her, but maybe it's for the best. I mean, I struck up a conversation with a girl at my university and found that we both love videogames and Japanese media, and we had a much more normal conversation than I've ever had with my current gf. Maybe that's the kind of girl I should be looking for. My head is spinning. Any thoughts?
like morpheus said free your mind and answer the phone. saying i am ejecting out the matrix. welcome to reality.


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Tross
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23 Mar 2016, 2:08 pm

autismthinker21 wrote:
Tross wrote:
I made a thread a while back that my gf is too obsessive. Well, now the straw might have broken the camel's back. I spent an afternoon with her once, after which I went to my weekly board game meetup with my friends. I like to think we had a great afternoon together, but I guess she thought we were going to hang out till the evening. Anyways, she sent my friend a text saying she was mad at him for making me spend time with him. First of all, he didn't make me spend time with him; none of my friends did. Secondly, saying something like that to my friend is really uncool.

I get that her disorder makes her obsess over me to unhealthy extremes. I mean I asked once if she had any hobbies to occupy her when I'm not around, and her response was that she "doesn't do hobbies", whatever that means. She gets unhappy when I just want some me time, or want to spend time with friends.

I've wanted a gf for a long time and don't really want to be single again, and I really care about this girl. That said, I'm not sure if I see a long term future with her, especially not marriage. If not then I'm lying to her, and most of all, to myself. This is something I'll have to think long and hard about, and it's going to hurt me too to break up with her, but maybe it's for the best. I mean, I struck up a conversation with a girl at my university and found that we both love videogames and Japanese media, and we had a much more normal conversation than I've ever had with my current gf. Maybe that's the kind of girl I should be looking for. My head is spinning. Any thoughts?
like morpheus said free your mind and answer the phone. saying i am ejecting out the matrix. welcome to reality.

That's a great analogy. Being in a relationship can be kind of like being in the Matrix. I just have to decide whether it's the false reality I want, or if I want to eject. I'm also starting to get sick of her childish tantrums. For example, she invited me out to a movie at midnight tomorrow night, but I already made plans to see it with friends on Tuesday, and at a reasonable time. Of course she immediately jumps to a conclusion that only a crazy person would come to, which is that I don't love her. I managed to get her to come with me on Tuesday instead, as a means of getting the best of both worlds, but she throws tantrums like that all the time when she doesn't get her way.

I suppose I wouldn't have been with her as long as I have if she didn't have her good points, but I'm going to have to figure out how to navigate the bad if I want things to work out. How do I tactfully imply that it's ridiculous to infer that I don't love her just because I might have other plans that don't always involve her? If I can get her to stop that behaviour, then maybe things will go a lot more smoothly.



slenkar
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23 Mar 2016, 5:48 pm

Maybe your aspie-ness is giving her that impression

If you told her you will be seeing the movie with friends in a dispassionate or flat tone then she could have sensed it as coldness or rejection.



Tross
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23 Mar 2016, 9:10 pm

slenkar wrote:
Maybe your aspie-ness is giving her that impression

If you told her you will be seeing the movie with friends in a dispassionate or flat tone then she could have sensed it as coldness or rejection.

Well, she invited me to the movie over text, so I responded by informing her that I already made plans with my friends, also over text, which us generally flat in tone anyways... It's cool though, since I managed to find a good compromise. I just wish stuff like this didn't happen all the flipping time.



alex
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23 Mar 2016, 11:16 pm

Tross wrote:
slenkar wrote:
Maybe your aspie-ness is giving her that impression

If you told her you will be seeing the movie with friends in a dispassionate or flat tone then she could have sensed it as coldness or rejection.

Well, she invited me to the movie over text, so I responded by informing her that I already made plans with my friends, also over text, which us generally flat in tone anyways... It's cool though, since I managed to find a good compromise. I just wish stuff like this didn't happen all the flipping time.

Honestly, if she's your girlfriend, you should go to the movie with her. Seems insensitive to choose your friends over her. . .


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Tross
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24 Mar 2016, 4:13 pm

alex wrote:
Tross wrote:
slenkar wrote:
Maybe your aspie-ness is giving her that impression

If you told her you will be seeing the movie with friends in a dispassionate or flat tone then she could have sensed it as coldness or rejection.

Well, she invited me to the movie over text, so I responded by informing her that I already made plans with my friends, also over text, which us generally flat in tone anyways... It's cool though, since I managed to find a good compromise. I just wish stuff like this didn't happen all the flipping time.

Honestly, if she's your girlfriend, you should go to the movie with her. Seems insensitive to choose your friends over her. . .

Well, I made the plans with them first. Besides, I've known my friends longer. I still think she was being ridiculous, but if that's a sign that I'm not that into her, then I guess there's a case to be made there. I just don't think I should have to choose between my friends and my gf.

On the other hand, I've had plenty of tsundere moments. I spend a great evening with her, and suddenly I think things are working out just fine, but then she does something annoying, and I'm back to where I'm at currently. To make things even more confusing, she does something nice for me, like getting me an early Easter gift, and I immediately start to think that maybe she is pretty great.

Maybe I just enjoy her company more in person and find her phone habits annoying. That could be it, since she's usually just fine when I'm hanging out with her. Or maybe it's her unhealthy obsession over me that makes her ok to be around as she's much more content at that point in time. I don't know. All I do know is that I can't be with her 24/7 even if I want to, and I need my space too.

The question remains whether her transgressions are capital offences in the land of relationshipdom that require termination, but I suppose only I can answer that. It's not a decision I'll make lightly if it comes to it. I guess I'll have to stop putting it off and give it some serious thought.



The_Face_of_Boo
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24 Mar 2016, 4:50 pm

Do you love her? Honestly, you don't sound so hesitant at the possibility of breaking up with her.

So maybe...she can feel that? Like her gut feeling is telling her that you don't love her strongly enough and probably that is making her obsession over you even worse, because she's terrified to lose you?

I've dated a girl like this, it was very annoying at times but the good side that her feelings were entirely undoubtful.

I guess you need to tell her everything what you are writing here.



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24 Mar 2016, 4:58 pm

I've dated once a girl who, whenever I went online on whatsapp but not messaging her, she was like "with who you are talking?".

She was THAT much obsessed and jealous - but she was an over-extreme case.