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foocat
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03 Apr 2016, 5:47 am

Hi, I would love to hear from people who have moved back in with their parents at 30+ and whether it caused more issues or if it helped you.

I just posted in the women's forum. I am starting to believe that my chronic treatment resistant depression and multitude of other other random diagnoses are really due to undiagnosed female Asperger's. Well, actually it *was* diagnosed, but I didn't accept it at the time.

I think the 10 years I have had of being independent have taken at toll on me. I am pretty intelligent so I was able to compensate for my deficits and present as "extremely high functioning" all these years even though I have been a wreck.

I finally decided it is safer to move in with my mom. She understands me and my challenges and is my best friend. It is difficult for me to hold a job and this way I wouldn't have to. My mom understands my challenges and wants me to do what is right with me.

I kept doing the "Right thing" to treat the depression, but it just kept getting worse and worse. I put myself out there, forced myself to get a job, go to school, forced myself to go to social events. But the more I forced myself the worse I got. I finally decided I would rather live a good life than an interesting one doing all these adult things I'm supposed to do. I am looking forward to living with my mom and helping her and her friends with tech stuff.



cavernio
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03 Apr 2016, 10:30 am

No, but I am considering the possibility right now.

I am not diagnosed, I might not have an ASD. My dad I'm certain has one though, and I am drawn to those who do. What I do have is a slew of mental health issues that cropped up when I left home to go to university. I managed to finish a degree, I don't know how I did as I couldn't do that sort of thing now, but then I moved back home instead of getting a job. I had wanted to do a masters but I'd failed at doing an undergrad thesis due to depression so it wasn't an option.

I reconnected with a highschool friends and married him, hiding from myself the truth that I just could not manage being alone. Then I fell in love and left him, that relationship has failed, and here is where I'm at. I'm on disability, but I'm barely looking after myself. Dishes everywhere, I spend most of my time in bed, I hardly have friends.

I am not worse when I force myself to do things though, it helps me but then again it seems to me I might only do things when I might be hypomanic.

My parents have only very recently started to be kind to me. I still do not reach out to them, I have never opened up to them about anything emotionally ever in my life, although we are now talking everyday since my breakup has caused me to go over the edge mentally.

For me, having a job would be good if I could go there and not have emotional breakdowns because I am so unmotivated I do not otherwise occupy my mind. I only ever pick up activities and things that other people do, I don't know what I like to do. I don't try new things and when I do I can't get into them.

I'm probably not AS but it sounds like your decision might be right for you. Is there government financial support you can get?


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AspieUtah
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03 Apr 2016, 10:33 am

Don't worry about the social stigma of living with your parents. When they are retired, most people will see you as a saint for living with them to assist in their senior care. :wink:

Seriously, with the world economy the way it is right now, multiple generations in society are living together.


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Diagnosed in 2015 with ASD Level 1 by the University of Utah Health Care Autism Spectrum Disorder Clinic using the ADOS-2 Module 4 assessment instrument [11/30] -- Screened in 2014 with ASD by using the University of Cambridge Autism Research Centre AQ (Adult) [43/50]; EQ-60 for adults [11/80]; FQ [43/135]; SQ (Adult) [130/150] self-reported screening inventories -- Assessed since 1978 with an estimated IQ [≈145] by several clinicians -- Contact on WrongPlanet.net by private message (PM)


foocat
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03 Apr 2016, 10:47 am

Hi. I am actually on SSDI for the depression. But moving back isn't due to finances at all, it's due to my chronic inability to cope without having severe breakdowns, ending up in the hospital, etc. I've made a lot of changes to my environment, getting an easy job, cutting hours, etc. and it doesn't seem to help.

Cavernio, it sounds like what happened to me when I somehow got through college and was downhill from there. I'm sick of struggling this much. I also barely leave the house, don't have any friends, and don't do the dishes. I think it would be easier to motivate myself to do these things if I lived at home.



drlaugh
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03 Apr 2016, 10:49 am

Sometimes it works out that they move in with you.

More outside the States.


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foocat
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03 Apr 2016, 10:57 am

Yeah, this is based in the US. She has a house and everything, it wouldn't make sense for her to come live in a rental with me.



cavernio
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03 Apr 2016, 11:07 am

AspieUtah wrote:
Don't worry about the social stigma of living with your parents. When they are retired, most people will see you as a saint for living with them to assist in their senior care. :wink:

Seriously, with the world economy the way it is right now, multiple generations in society are living together.


This could actually end up being mutually beneficial for us. My parents are 69 and 70 now, and they have markedly slowed down mentally and physically over the past 5 years. While I flounder without direction, when someone tells me what I need to do I can usually manage to do it, I just haven't been able to the past few months pre breakup and post breakup. I could end up being a help to them as they grow older, maybe.

I am seriously considering this possibility more and more because of this thread.


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MagicKnight
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04 Apr 2016, 11:13 am

I am considering the possibility of moving back in with relatives because I'm living on my own for the past decade and have reached the natural conclusion that by living alone, I'm more often than not a cause of worries and trouble to everyone. Some things happened and now I see once and for all that maybe I'm not competent enough to be this alone all the time.

The thing is I don't fancy living with my father. My mother passed away more than a decade ago but if she were alive and I moved in with my father *and* her it would be even much worse.

Me and my sister and her kids, we go along very well. If not under their same roof at least I could get back to my home town (one hour from where I live now). This would be a good compromise.



cavernio
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28 Apr 2016, 5:17 pm

Soooo, I'm visiting my parents right now for an unknown period of time, didn't book my flight back home, and it's been stressful for me. It will always be stressful because it takes time for me to fit in, no matter where I am no matter what I do.

Even though they're not even doing anything there's this constant pressure and stress to be doing more than I am doing, to get out and be something. I mentioned tonight going back home and my mom brought up that she didn't think I could look after myself, which really set me off emotionally. This might sound like I'm over-reacting, but the relationship between my mom and me gets me this way. I'd just lived alone for a month before visiting them since being admitted to hospital for suicide. I was just getting into a routine at being on my own. I was using pot almost everyday though, and here I have none and worry about going out and finding some.

You see, while here, I feel pressure to be what I'm 'supposed' to be, be who I was raised to be, act how I'm supposed to act, etc. Even when that's not what I think is best for me. But there's always going to be that pressure while I'm here at my parents. I don't think there's any escape from it.

My mom is overbearing. She's a nag and likes things her way. People who are outside the family and see inside see how hard my mom is on me and my siblings, highly critical, etc.

I think the hardest thing about all of this, and where I find the most problem with everything, is that I'm finally accepting that I am not the person who I was, that I will not be capable of what I once was, if I am going to be emotionally healthy. But my mom started going into that I'm not seeing myself as a sick person. "If you had a fever you wouldn't be acting like this.'

I can't see my very being as a sick person anymore. I just can't do that. There is no thinking that I have a curable sickness. I am who I am and I have to deal with how I am, there is no 'fixing' me. She thinks that I should be fixed, that me not being active are signs of a sickness that must be cured. For the record, I'm diagnosed with depression and borderline personality disorder. I'm on a mood stabilizer and an anti-depressant. I'm not diagnosed with aspergers. But I feel like the only way for me to find peace with myself is to accept me for who I am, not see myself as a problem that needs to be fixed. I'm always going to be an emotionally volatile person, and I'm always going to have problems doing tasks. And I feel like me being here, staying with my parents, I am constantly in a battle with that idea, which is a constant source of pressure, which just makes my issues worse, puts my nerves on edge all the time. There is no true peace for me here. There is, instead, a lot of shame that lies beneath the surface, and if my goals for my life aren't my mom's goals for my life, there is going to yet again be more shame. I'm done with shame.

Of course the downside to all of this is that not living with my parents I get lonely.


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beakybird
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09 May 2016, 7:31 pm

It's something that I'm going to be forced to do. My wife is leaving me after 12 years (married and before) and I'm simply not going to have anywhere else to go.

Self-sustaining really was never a huge problem for me most of my life. I mean, I had moved out and moved back and out again a few times in my 20s. Once with an ex gf that went bad, once with roommates, and then with my regrettably soon to be ex-wife. And I always managed. Though I'm realizing in hindsight that I wasn;t as good as I thought with many things. Working and balancing bills was ok for awhile, but it was all on me in my marriage because I was actually the better one and that pressure sort of broke me down.

I've also been dealing with an extended mystery illness for like 7 years. I haven't been able to afford insurance and I've realized I just don't have the skills to investigate and find a way to get medical care. I've tried to go to doctors and they seems disinterested, then I have bills. Tried to put me on psych meds, which I've always been resistant to (though I'm for the first time ever reevaluating that stance) instead of get me testing. Went to the ER twice, no help. My point is I can't breathe and it's getting worse. I have little to no energy, my already thin attention span has completely disintegrated, and I'm just a mess, and now the divorce coming.

I'm really trying to fight my typical nature here and actually trying to find a silver lining to this-- as absurd as my wife's leaving me having one sounds-- I do still have a job, and if I can manage to keep it with the intensifying draw of depression-laden self destruction beckoning, I can afford to get real insurance and maybe find out what's been wrong all this time. Of course, given how my lifes gone, this relief will quickly be smashed when I find out I have lung cancer or heart disease. Yay life huh!

I'm not really sure how I'm going to manage mentally with having to go back home. Me and my stepfather have had a spotty history over the years. It's been fine the last 4 5 years, good actually, but I'm worried how quick that will change once I get there full time. I have had a friend agree to let me sleep in my car in his yard if push comes to shove, but it's in another state and I'd not have a job. So I'd be fast tracking to a slit wrist or dying, passed out with a needle in my arm in the drivers seat. I know once I have to leave this apt, there's little chance I'll be able to afford living on my own for awhile, if ever. Here in NJ, I can't make enough to support myself unless I lived with someone. Me and my wife had/have a one bedroom that we've struggled to afford with both of us working full time.

Sorry I almost kept going. Got alot on my mind and no one to talk to basically at all. Sorry.



shlaifu
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11 May 2016, 5:41 pm

moved back at 29, when I was ill and couldn't work. that situation didn't help my depression, but eventually I got back on my feet. soo... yeah, I mean, if it has to be... eventually, it helped, even though, at the time, it felt horrible.

I mean, my family was nice to me for a while, and then increasingly less so. but it took the financial pressure off me, and allowed me regain the energy to pretend to be high-functioning....


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kraftiekortie
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11 May 2016, 9:04 pm

I wouldn't consider moving back with my mother. I'd become homeless first. My dad lives in Chicago, and I work in New York--so that's out.

It's because she's so hard to live with.

That being said, moving back with parents to take care of them is a most laudable thing to do.



indianadowjones
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21 May 2016, 10:57 pm

I'm 36 and this actually happened to me in March. I'm college educated and like to think of myself as a professional but I have difficulty holding a job. My last job, which was working at store I generally like, didn't pay very well, and the supervisors were getting harsher with me everyday, despite my attempts to work harder. I finally ran out of money, and patience, so I gave up my apartment and moved back home with my mother. I love my mom very much, but being here is the last place I want to be. I want to find a stable job so I can be back on my own again. Independence is one of those "adult" things us Aspies talk about so often, and it's true with me too. I'm thankful for my mother's generosity, but we both know I don't want to be here, and job searching in a down economy is depressing in and of itself.



beakybird
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22 May 2016, 2:53 pm

Back at my parents here now a little over a week. What a blow to my pride all of this has been. While I've struggled to get by most of my adult life, I mostly was able to do it free from any help from my parents. Now living in a guest bedroom in my parents house as my life is falling apart at 38 is soul crushing.

Luckily, so far they've been really supportive, which has been helpful. Finally having disclosed my health issues to them has taken weight off my chest quite a bit. Also I can finally start paying for medical stuff, and it turns out I probably have a problem with a heart valve, which explains why I can't do anything these last few years and have been so irritable. I also have a breathing obstruction. So I wasn't just being hard to deal with, I was really dealing with actual health things.

But trying to face health fears alone, while dealing with rejection when I'm already prone to being suicidal and get horrible separation anxiety is not easy. It seems like I have no future. And my past has been waste. It's like 15 years have passed and nothings changed, just a different house. I'm in the same place I was, except more scarred emotionally and less healthy.

My wife started to text me, even though we are supposed to be separated for a month and not have any contact not directly related to some apartment detail or bill. But she got me going Friday night when I was drunk here and we had a really nice conversation well into saturday. And I started getting way too hopeful, then she jokingly said to come over for breakfast and I got all happy thinking she was serious and wanted to see me, but then said she waasn't and things got awkward again.

I should know better. She has nobody really to talk to. And I know her so well. And I can't let someone just be sad by themselves. But she's just looking for a buddy right now and I don't think sees me anymore as a husband. So these conversations don't mean the same to her as they do to me, so I need to try and avoid it but I can't because I'm lonely.

unrelated rant I suppose.



terri_bick
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23 May 2016, 11:30 am

I live with my mum and step dad for about 3 or more years after a disastrous time living by myself. We get on, I have routine and I have ASD and mental health issues so routine is perfect for me. My step dad does get quite loud at times and that can be an issue but I guess I do things that annoy them as well.

When my mum passes on, I won't be living with my step dad as I think I would end up killing him lol.