Recovering from sexual/emotional abuse from formerNT partner

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Hello folks! First post, really struggling here. I originally posted this in the dating and sex section, but maybe it'll be better received in the women's discussion

So I am no longer with Trent** but he left a mark on me that I am having a hard time moving past. He confronted me very aggresively and angry, that he figured out that I am an aspy. Which explained my whole pointless life, I accepted this and began doing a lot of reading about this. He however did not do much more reading right away, once he had this label 'aspy' he just used it as an insult/tool. Instead of learning about how to exist and cope with those behaviors, he latched onto them as faults that he could now try to "fix." I constantly tried to change how I spoke to him and what I did only to be insulted and repremanded constantly. He would mock me and accuse me of cheating on him (clearly I had to be getting f****d by someone else since I wasn't a purring sex kitten to him)

Trent and I are not together. What hurts me now is that I no longer feel like a sexual being at all. I guess I always knew that my sex was different and i clearly didn't enjoy things exactly the same as other women. But intercourse to me was a special thing, a special thing I only did with an actual boyfriend, and before Trent, my boyfriends seemed ok with me in that respect. Trent made me feel embarassed to exist. He broke up with me because I am "aspy as f**k" and sent me off telling me to go "find a big dick" cuz he couldn't wrap his head around my sexuality. From what he knows, all ladies are just looking for a bigger and better dick. He basically called me a slut over and over in my mind. I have NEVER cheated.

I felt good about myself before Trent. I knew my sex was different but I still enjoyed being with my one and only. Now that he has sent me off telling me to find another man to "satisfy me" I don't even want to. That's what makes me sad. I felt whole before. Satisfied in my own way. Now I feel broken and defective. I don't know how to begin again.

Anyone else have a similar experience or know some resources about recovery from this kind of trauma?

Thanks for reading!

**Trent, name changed

His behavior has next to nothing to do with your sexuality or "lack" thereof. Zip, zero, zilch, nada. It's OK to end a relationship because of sexual incompatibility. It's not OK, mentally healthy, or "normal" to mentally and emotionally beat your partner up because of sexual incompatibility. That's HIS PROBLEM (be it sh***y self-esteem or ADHD or BPD or NPD or just a serious case of Total Dick Syndrome). That's not about your Asperger's (if in fact you have it) or your sexual history or your behavior in the sack.

I dated a guy like that (though not to his degree-- more whiny than insulting) for a summer. We phone-dated for months (went to colleges like 10 hours apart-- I was in West Virginia and he was in western Indiana) and I really, really liked him. We had a lot of similar likes and dislikes, both enjoyed sitting on the porch listening to nature and copping a buzz, all that. I could seriously have married this guy, balding head, two-inch dick, glaucoma, obesity and all. I was madly in love.

Except for his compulsive insecure need to control every minute of my time and his driving need for me to fall into bed with him quickly and often (actually used the line, "You did it with him, so do it with me"), he was great. Yeah. Except for that. Which was why the relationship ended, and ended ugly.

Give yourself some time to heal before you expect yourself to date again. That s**t doesn't disappear overnight.

I agree, please give yourself some time, and don't berate yourself if you don't feel like you're over it "fast enough". Getting over it will come in your own time and on your own terms.

Trent sounds like he did you some horrible damage, though I am glad you can see that it was him being awful and that you are not blaming yourself. It's awful that he used your autistic-ness against you like that. How are you feeling about being autistic at the moment...? If I read correctly, it's something you discovered when you were with him (or that he discovered about you and shared with you). Do you feel anything negative about your autism because of Trent, for instance? If we can help with that on this forum, then do ask and we will do our best to help you through that too.

My first "real" partner was a bit odd and there was some similar emotional abuse (and unfortunately sexual abuse) that happened with that relationship, though I did not realise it was abuse at the time. He used to accuse me of seeing other people; there was a mystery "guy" who used to tell him all these things, like that I'd been seen with other men and so on and so on. His lies got more and more absurd because I clearly wasn't reacting the way he wanted me to react. Looking back on it, it's possible my lack of "proper" (i.e. expected) emotional response to him in general may have caused him to act this way - though no fault of my own - but I believe he was simply confused and tried to get my attention in a terrible way. Eventually his utterly outlandish lies did cause us to break up, and it was the best thing for us. He still came by to where I worked and did things like talk non-stop about his new girlfriend and showing me the gifts he just bough her and so on. He would text me all the time... eventually I had to block his number. Luckily he does not contact me any more. I certainly hope whomever he is with is doing alright and that perhaps he has had a chance to sort out his own serious issues.

I hope that sharing this story may have helped a little bit. I also hope you're doing well today

I have more than too many experiences with people like this. Google narcissistic personality disorder and read as much as you can about it. Understanding their screwed up behavior and understanding the emotional abuse tactics they use helped me. I was raised by a narcissist and had I not been able to separate her BS, I'd feel things were my fault still. You are great just the way you are. You have been steamrolled by a person who is such a coward that he picks on someone, to make himself feel "good", just because he can. I have dated and married, then divorced so many of these dicks, that researching it, why they do it and how they end up leaving us feeling defective has been my greatest strength. Most people didn't believe me, many tried to excuse it and my whole family sided with my mother and her lies about me. The most supportive places for me have been online. Especially communities devoted to helping people recover from NPD and BPD. There are some that aren't great, but Out of the FOG and the Invisible Scar are good places to start. Unless people have been in the position and are aware of what really happened to them, they usually wind up giving terrible advice. I think being an Aspie helped me recover from it better in some ways because I would research and analyze (still do) and my memory has been a huge asset to fighting the gas lighting that was done as part of the manipulation I had to constantly endure. I really wish you the best. I got complex PTSD from this kind of abuse. Please know that the things this guy said to you reveal more about who he is than who you are. The trauma this kind of things leaves you can be the hardest thing a person has to deal with in my experience. Sending and thinking compassion your way.