I am 26 years old, female, and employed as an electrical engineer.
I have not been diagnosed with AS, however, I have received multiple diagnoses at various times in my life: attention-deficit hyperactivity disorder (combined type), social anxiety, dysthymia, and nonverbal learning disability (not to mention various "behavior problems" as a child). This combination of diagnoses sounds suspiciously like AS to me, and the more I read about AS the more familiarity I sense. I am going to my doctor on June 3 and I am definitely going to request additional assessment. At this point I would consider myself self-diagnosed AS.
When I read the posts here -- especially ones that relate to peculiarities of human behavior (lying, use of subtexts, etc.) -- I find myself identifying readily with the sense of confusion and "otherness" that these writings convey. I have always felt rather removed from the rest of the human race -- not that I think I'm somehow better or more special, but that my neural wiring is fundamentally different from that of the average person. I experience reality differently than most everyone I know, though I do tend to gravitate toward those who share at least a passingly similar perspective. Of course, everyone experiences reality in their own way, but there does seem to be a majority consensus comprised of a vague set of perceptual tendencies.
Throughout my childhood, people were convinced that there was something "off" about me, but couldn't quite place it. I started school in a special-education preschool due to my social issues, and had two years of kindergarten (again, due to social difficulties). I went to numerous therapists, and by sixth grade was simultaneously attending both the Gifted Program and the Resource Room. The general consensus among my teachers seemed to be that my academic skills (especially verbal ability) were extremely high, but that my ability to relate to other people was severely delayed / impaired. I was not very keen on seeking out people to play with; I tended to prefer solitary activities, perhaps because my attempts to play with other kids had been unsuccessful from the very beginning. I tended to be somewhat "bossy" and pedantic about rules, and never understood when people were joking.
On the other hand, I did not go through school 100% friendless. I had a total of about three friends between kindergarten and seventh grade; in high school, the number increased slightly because there was a more diverse group of students to associate with. I did have some desire for companionship and acceptance, though I was not sure how to achieve these things and often made a fool of myself in my attempts. Nevertheless, I found myself able to "bond" with a few other students if they shared one of my special interests; my best friend and I started talking regularly at the age of twelve due to our fondness for Star Trek. I remember being flabbergasted at the mere fact that this girl was willing to be seen with me, since the other students did not even want their desk touching mine. I do not make friends easily, it seems, but when I do, my loyalty is near-infinite.
I have always had extremely focused interests: my first was medical terminology, which I started reading voraciously about at the age of three or so. I have had fixations on Star Wars, time travel, lasers, evolutionary biology, household product ingredients, etc. These fixations are so intense that they actually used to get me in trouble in school, because I'd neglect my "real" schoolwork in the process of pursuing / researching my own special interest. I also used to (apparently) bore people to death with endless monologues on such things as the minutiae of Star Wars. Now, the monologue thing is not as much of an issue, since I have the Internet -- where "monologues" can exist comfortably as "journal entries" or "articles". When I was growing up, though, my fixations and drive to tell people about these fixations was enough to prompt my teachers to call my parents in for conferences about my "obesssions" with things that were distracting me from my schoolwork.
Overall, I think I have learned to compensate for many of my neural quirks. I avoid sensory overload by avoiding bars, large parties, etc. and wearing earplugs when I'm going to be somewhere noisy. I do not travel much (I get very claustrophobic in planes, and I dislike the disruption of my daily routine). I stay away from people who do not seem very accepting of idiosyncratic people. I do my best to get assigned tasks at work that allow me to work independently and that take advantage of my detail-oriented style. I have established an understanding with my boyfriend of 5.4 years; we both TELL each other how we are feeling, so the guesswork that hinders many relationships is not present. In general, I am quite happy and (by my estimation) sane. One of my most recent therapists told me that my General Assessment of Functioning was something like 80 on a scale of 100, where the average member of the population is about 50. This means that basically, I am well-adjusted, not emotionally disturbed, and extremely rational. I'm just...odd.
The difficulties I'd like to address here are mainly in the areas of work, understanding the behavior of other humans, and learning to navigate social situations (especially unfamiliar ones). I have moments of extreme frustration at work as a result of having a non-standard learning / working style, and I'm tired of having to explain why I need to do things a certain way sometimes. I've told a few people about my ADHD diagnosis (as an explanation for my need for a quiet work area) but ADHD is not taken seriously by very many. I'm tired of being told I'm "inflexible". I'm even tired of explaining why I don't like going to bars and clubs, and apologising profusely for saying something I had no idea would offend anyone. I am quite embarrased by my emotional intensity; if overwhelmed by too many choices (or too many demands to multitask), I've been known to start crying or just shut down completely. I know how unprofessional this is, but I can't control this physiological response, and I'm afraid it is going to hurt my career. It is so hard to explain to people that crying does not necessarily mean I'm "sad", but simply that I am "overloaded".
I do know that these "difficulties" would not present a problem if people could just be a bit more open minded about learning / emotional styles. I'm looking to learn here myself.
So anyway, I've rambled on enough. I'm sure I'll learn plenty here.
Incidentally, I scored 42/50 on the Wired AQ quiz, and 152 on the Aspie quiz.
22 May 2005, 1:20 am
I am glad you are here.
