How can I be a supportive boyfriend?

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GF has been quite upset with me lately because I haven't been supportive enough. She said I'm not emotionally supportive of her. She says her friends boyfriends (who are NT) are more emotionally supportive. I'd love to be the supportive boyfriend but I struggle with that.

I'm better at being supportive in a practical way, running errands for her, etc. She said I never ask her how she's feeling. This confused me because in my way of thinking, if I'm upset about something and I want someone to know I'll just tell them.

She went to a funeral lately and she said I didn't offer support. She said she didn't want me to go but I should have offered to go. Why would she want me to offer to go if she was planning to say no?

I find the way NTs think about these things to be very confusing. I had to tell her not to say she's fine when she's upset because if she says she's fine I'll take it literally.

I don't blame her because I think she came close to relapsing into depression. She said that she couldn't enjoy her favourite TV shows, she took no joy in things she used to like, etc. I used to be this way, it's one of the symptoms of depression. I don't blame her because I say a lot of irrational things when I get depressed.

She said she was mad I didn't tell her I hope it went well before I went. I told her I didn't say that because my sentiment can't effect the outcome.

She said she felt upset because of how much she's been doing to help me. True she has, on weekends she cooks 5 work lunches for me, she cleaned out my old apartment after I moved, she's listened to me talk about my emotional problems (I would gladly listen to her talk about hers but I thought she would take the initiative)... she's done a lot to help me but she always does it of her own initiative. Maybe she's doing too much. I like it when she helps me but it's not good for her to get exhausted from it. She already works longer hours than me (even though she gets paid less). Also I don't like her complaining about how she did something for me when she did it voluntarily. If she didn't want to do it she shouldn't have offered to and I wouldn't have minded.

For example, a few weeks ago we were going through a separate crisis and she complained about how she didn't like giving me housekeeping advice all the time. Then 5 minutes later she's giving me more housekeeping advice and I tell her to stop. She gets confused and asks me why and I said if she doesn't like doing it she shouldn't keep on doing it.

At first when she said she was mad that I didn't ask her how she was everyday I thought it was a minor issue for her but today she said because of that and similar issues she stayed up all night thinking about whether or not she should dump me and if she really wants to be with me.

So how can I be a more supportive boyfriend?

This is the problem I was talking about in another thread. She feels like you don't care about her. This is done by asking how she's doing. Any funeral, most people need support. You say you usually tell someone when you are upsetupset, but NT women don't.

She needs to read more on Asperger's because she's going to have to communicate with you differently than what she is used to. She's going to have to ask you for everything she wants from you.

What you might do is keep a journal of what you have done wrong.She wants you to ask at certain unknown times how she is feeling - set up an unexpected time on your phone to remind you to ask her when she isn't expecting it.

Know when certain holidays and special days are and mark them on your phone to remind you to get her something special. But, ask her what she likes way before and make a list to refer to when needed. I read that Aspie men need to know exactly what you want for a gift and that takes the "caring" part out of it - if i have to tell someone what I want I'll get it myself - that's how the NT female mind works. Hug her when she least expects it. Thank her when she does something for you - like your lunch. You'll have to make notes to remind you to do these things.

She sounds really nice by the way, taking the time to make your lunches and stuff.

This idea of "they will just tell me how they feel" is very familiar to me. My parents have that attitude, so that's the way I was brought up. It's taken me a long time to work out that I need to ask people and draw them out. I think that people don't want to be a burden. They don't want to feel like they are forcing their negative/upset feelings onto you. So they would rather that you ask. Then they feel like it is ok to tell you. I think it is to do with politeness or not wanting to be too vulerable.

You making the effort to ask makes them feel special as well. That fact that you demonstrate by an action i.e. asking "how are you coping?" shows even more that you want to hear how she really feels. It's more than your just being there and willing to listen anytime. It is active, not passive.

View it this way. I know that you are ok with her just telling you how she feels, but you need to make her aware of this verbally by inviting her to tell you how she feels. Example, her pet dies. Give her a hug and ask if she wants to talk about it. If she says no. Ask "are you sure?" If she says no again, leave it. If she says yes, then listen to what she has to say.

It's all about manners. It's like when 2 people come to a door and one says "after you". Then other person isn't meant to walk right through, they say, "no, after you". You don't walk through, you say, "no I insist" and then after that stupid mannerly dance, they walk through. (Ok I know that is a very English example, but I am English). Also, a cup of tea is never a wrong thing to offer lol, replace with your own local hot beverage.

Communication is a pain in the neck sometimes, but it's worth it. It would be so much easier if we all just told each other things striaght, but that's not how NTs work.

There is a Star Trek episode where Data learns that he should ask Geordie how he's feeling about something. I'll see if I can find it and post it.

All of this seems so alien to me. So it's not even enough to talk a lot of feelings when you are asked to, but you should actively try to push each others to do it? I'd never do that, it's just too crazy. I'm glad I'm not married to an NT.

Yes, I've observed the things hurtloam describes in some relatives, and it's the primary reason I don't want to have anything to do with them. The worse thing I know of is when somebody does something for me without asking if they should do it, and then expecting me to be grateful for it no matter what, and then gets cross at me when I don't want to praise them.

As for gifts, if wife wants something, she will pick it out and ask me for it, and I'll get it for her, but I won't go shopping random stuff for her. Won't happen.

"You know what bothers me is that Aspies think NT's should go out of their way to learn about Asperger's, but they don't want to even try to understand NT's. Where's the fairness in that? You're right. You need to stick with Aspie women."

We learn of N.T.'s and try to understand them our entire lives, all we ask is if we start dating a woman at say 25, that they make a start to learn of us, and even then only expect they learn the basics, unlike us, who have to learn absolutely everything, and conform and play by their rules if we want to even survive or function.

It's not a fair comparison.

Also, I understand N.T.'s, that doesn't mean I like much of their behavior.

Just as many N.T.'s may understand aspies, but have trouble with dealing with some of our quirks.

That's why both sides of the coin have to learn to compromise.

I think part of the reason is I don't have enough initiative. Like how I'll happily see a friend if invited but I don't just pop in because I feel embarrassed showing up without a reason. I guess wanting to see them should be reason enough but then I feel like I'm being too needy.

GF doesn't feel this way. For her there's no shame in needing someone or needing support. She told me she thought I should know she wanted someone to go with her. I told her that when I wanted someone to go with me, I just go by myself because to me not being brave enough to go alone is a sign of weakness.

I think it's because years ago when I had social anxiety I used to push myself to go to events when I really didn't want to. Usually alone. Back then if I didn't want to go to something that was reason enough to go. I thought I had to make myself tougher.

Fortunately for GF she's never experienced this kind of self-abuse. When I explained it to her she said she'd never even considered that sort of thing.

The more I read about autistics and NT's dating, the more I feel like they just shouldn't.