Are we too idealist?

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Here's a question for you. Are we on this forum too idealistic? Is our lack of success in dating because we are looking for something that is too good to be true? Are we looking for something that we can't find? Are we really looking for someone that will make all the effort so that we don't have to step out of our comfort zone?

Should we change our viewpoint? Would that be settling?

Discuss.

I don't want someone to 'come into my life and change my life for the better and make everything happy'.

The vast majority of issues I expereience I want to overcome myself through my own independent efforts.

I would actually be happy with, in fact, the opposite, and am not against the idea of being the guy who comes into a female's life and changes it for the better.

My standards aren't far too high at all.

I don't mean to blame others for my misfortune, but the main persistent issue has been finding people who like me for me and understand me, just as I find it difficult to understand or be interested in what the vast majority of people my age are like.

On dating sites and the like I am absolutely honest about who I am, though I don't reveal my Asperger's, and attract very little attention.

And, while a decently fit teen, I'm not interested in taking shirtless pics showing off just to attract more attention for my physical looks.

Anyway, my age is the most major set-back for me personally, as I'm still slightly too young to be dating adults and at least feel too mature for a high number of teens, though that may just be perception. I think the bigger issue is a lack of understanding from both ends and incompatibility.

I believe, at times, that we create unrealistic expectations.

On the other hand, I don't believe people should "settle" for whoever comes their way who shows the slightest interest.

I used to be like that. I would "settle." And I suffered because of it.

I believe one should seek a partner who, as much as possible, meets at least most of qualities desired by this "one."

But a man shouldn't expect a supermodel, and a woman shouldn't expect a cheesecakey hunk with an MBA.

Yes.

/thread

I think this sums it up well.

People in general are increasingly told that it is shallow to have standards, especially with regards to things like physical appearance. It's okay to like what you like, and go for what you want. But at the same time, the higher your expectations are, the more you have to be willing to live with the fact that it's likely going to be harder to find what you're looking for if you, yourself, are not of high dating market value.

I have been on one date ever, and having any sort of romantic relationship at all would be an improvement of my current situation. As far as physical appearance goes I try to be as unbiased as possible, and being super pretty is not a requirement for me. I learned from my last (and only) relationship that not everyone can tolerate being in a relationship with someone who has autism, and I also need someone who shares at least some of my interests. It also wouldn't hurt of they were autistic too, but it's no deal breaker if they are neurotipical. In that (short lived and long distance) relationship I was quite clingy and I let emotion cloud my judgement a bit, she was the one to realize how incompatible we were and end it. Despite our obvious incompatibility I tried to make it work, so I think that my problem is the exact opposite of being too idealist. I have learned from the experience and I will try not to repeat my mistakes, but I no doubt have many more "learning experiences" ahead of me.

I think some on this forum are but I mostly wanted someone who would give me a real chance & try to make a relationship work with me. I do have a lot of disabilities & issues in addition to Aspergers but I was very willing to be with someone who also had disabilities & issues & I compensate for my faults by being very emotionally supportive.

I think that is a good summary of my experience. When I first started dating, I was looking for excuses not to date women. I had a clear idea of what to expect and would not deviate from it. For example, one woman seemed like a great match. Exceptionally good looking, well spoken and a great job (Pharmacist). However, I ignored her because she had a hideous eyebrow ring. The second time I tried dating anyone reasonable and ended up in a relationship with a crazy BPD ex that I have documented well. Finally, I just relaxed and let the chips fall as they may without expectation and ended up with my lovely lady. One thing I can say is that she did not meet my checklist (too "old", no interest in sports) but I now understand the saying 'when you find the one, you will throw all your checklists out the window'.

I don't believe I'm too idealistic. All I want is a girlfriend that will double as my best friend - a true partner for life. I always felt that was a pretty reasonable desire.

Yeah...Maybe...We're too idealist.

I don't recall ever wanting someone that would make all the effort so I don't have to step out of my comfort zone, ideally both parties put an even amount of effort in and both are willing to venture out of their comfort zone to a healthy amount. I can say my boyfriend actually helps me feel more comfortable stepping out of my comfort zone, like a positive influence. Also I found the approach that seems to have worked for me is staying away from creating some specific ideal in my head since I figured in that case I might pass up compatible guys just because they don't match up with that specific ideal.

It's funny, because with me it was always the opposite. I was always envisioning - and still do to this day- what I COULD GIVE AND DO for someone else in a relationship. I was always thinking about how I could make someone's life easier and better. Like how I could clean their house and cook their meals, etc. Stupidly enough, I took this view with me out into the world thinking that everyone had the same mindset as me only to find out most people are users and abusers who never would appreciate the nice things that were being done for them, but instead treat you like dirt for being so kind. In their mind, if you are that nice and giving, you must be "stupid" because no one acts like that.The only people they respect are the ones that treat them like garbage. This always baffled me.

But still, I now know better and do not give away my heart and affection so easily. When the right person comes along, I will know. Until then, I will keep being selfish and just invest all that love I would have had for someone else into myself instead. Actually, I treat me like a princess and I quite like it!

I always fantasized about finding The One and living happily ever after.

You are looking for Neo.
Don't thank me.

^ Neo is mine. Aww..Neo..my baby love you ♥-♥