partners with Aspergers easier than a NT ASD relationship?

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First, it's not ASD diagnosis that determines compatibility, it's neurodiverse status. There are a similar amount of NDs as NTs, so there is no problem with the gender ratio, and it's not so rare either (10-15%). Thus, this is a non-argument.


I don't think that has been determined. Since fewer females are diagnosed, they have a lot worse problems than diagnosed males, which includes not wanting relationships. I'm sure this is a minority-opinion among female NDs, so has no practical importance.

That has no importance at all. Unless you require neurotypical behavior from prospective partners which would defeat the whole purpose of trying to find somebody compatible.

No, it is easy and good in practice, not on paper.

Stable NT/ND relationships are definitely possible, they just requires bit of work sometimes. If that's what you want then it is definitely possible.

Something you should consider though is the wider domain of neurodiversity, not just autism. For example people with ADHD don't have social interaction impairments and they can be just as charismatic and charming as any neurotipical.

NTs all differ too so a relationships with some NTs may work, while a relationship with others might not, everyone is different and everyone has a right to be different and to expect\want different things from a relationship.

I've only really ever had relationships with NTs, I've known one girl with AS and while we got on and I could see the advantages of a relationship with someone with AS, I also kind of think that I have enough problems dealing with my own things, I'm not sure I could deal with someone else's too. I know that sounds pretty selfish, but I'm just being honest.

For the relationship to work there does have to be understanding from the NT person, and sometimes probably even a lot of one-way compromise at times as people with ASD can be somewhat immovable on certain issues. For me personally this causes the most conflict when I think I'm not being rigid for the sake of it, it's just that I have a strong belief that a certain way is correct and I want something to be dealt with a certain way. I don't consider not wanting to change my stance on that as being a refusal to compromise, it's just that I want to do it the way I see is best....but I realise that to the NT you're just being stubborn and rigid and unwilling to compromise. When you have our thought processes it's hard to see that you're being difficult and sometimes I genuinely don't think I am, there is nothing wrong with being sure about how you want something. But, hey, what can you do. One of my philosophies is that even if you think you're right, if 100 people tell you you're wrong then you should consider the fact that maybe you are. I try and budge a little sometimes if I'm willing to see if someone else's way is better, but sometimes the man just isn't for turning.

The two relationships I probably had the most issues with were one girl who was very social and liked to go out and had a ritual of spending time with her friends at the pub at the weekend. I didn't really like her friends and I hated doing it, I had nothing in common with them, we had nothing to talk about so I'd just sit in a corner, and I often actually thought them quite pathetic and loathsome. Looking back I think my obvious withdrawal from these situations caused her embarrassment and resentment and she probably stayed not as long as she wanted to and did it less frequently because of that, so in a way I suppose I was caging her into my style of anti-social life. At the time I was undiagnosed so I was dealing with a lot of inner turmoil, I was hating myself too, why couldn't I just be sociable, why did I hate spending time with people, why can't I engage in small talk etc. Now that I am diagnosed and have come to understand\accept myself I wonder if my behaviour would have been any different had I have known...who knows.

The other troubled relationship was with someone who flat out told me that she didn't care that I had AS that she would make no allowances for me at all. I think she actually found some kind of cruel delight in it. Needless to say, that didn't last long as she turned out to be fairly cruel in general. She wasn't an evil person, she had personal issues that made her that way, things from her past that I knew about, but as I said above, I have my own mental problems, I can't be dealing with hers too.

I'm currently in a relationship with someone that is understanding and does make allowances for me (not saying she always likes them) so things are going ok, and I always try and learn from past mistakes but that's not always easy. I do learn to do things I'm not naturally wired to do because I know they are what are expected of you in a relationship.

That slightly leads me onto what nurseangela has said in a few of her posts. I can only speak for myself here, but I don't really get anything out of small talk, or chit chat. I only really feel engaged in a conversation when it's "about something". In terms of socialising the only situations I really feel comfortable in are where there is a group so I can step back when it's things I'm not interested in, but when a topic comes up I can talk about, or an opportunity comes up for a joke etc I can say my piece. When it is just me one-on-one with someone I often just clam up as I don't have the ability to carry a conversation...unless we're talking about something specifically, I don't know what to say. So there are people who I really enjoy spending time with when we're in a group, people I'd consider "friends"...but who I dread spending time with one on one. So when I leave the environment where I normally socialise with these people (usually work related) and the group dynamic is gone, then I lose the ability to keep that individual friendship going. I can't phone that person and "have a chat", and if they phone me I'll likely just not pick up. As NTs need that kind of connection with someone it becomes almost impossible to maintain that friendship. I'm happy sending the occasional email and catching up that way, but a lot of NTs aren't into that, they prefer to talk on the phone or in person. Likewise when it comes to Christmas greetings etc there are very few people who I send any to. I never remember when anyone's birthday is either. Am I being a "bad friend"? Yes. I know I'm a bad friend in many ways, and I wish I could improve this...but it's hard.

So to sum up, yes you can have a relationship with an NT person but it has to be the right person. Obviously having AS limits the number of people you *can* enter into a relationship with, but so does being short, or ugly, or poor, or smelly, or in a wheelchair, or blind, or whatever. You have to be realistic and know that you're never going to have the same advantages as other people, that's life. Rather that bemoan it and start a pity-party, just get on with it, admit it's going to be harder for you than an NT and try and find someone you *can* enter a relationship with rather than focussing on the ones you can't.

Forgive me for not keeping current on lexicon but I don't even know what 'neurodiverse' even means. I know there are people like me out there but I have no idea where you are getting these numbers where there is a equal amount of people or 10-15% of the population. Give me a source on that, broadening and watering down the definition of the disorder I don't think is really helpful to those of us that were already inside that box.

As for the second thing, it's just a casual observance I've seen on this forum and elsewhere. It would be an interesting poll, I don't think it really has to do with however many are officially DX'd tho but rather just a different way of coping based on the gender roles society(and nature) puts on us.

Of course the third thing makes a difference, how else will the relationship start? There is a lot of anxiety and trust issues both sides have to work thru without being able to read any of the signs.

It's a huge problem, part of the same reason it's hard to initiate a relationship with anybody.

Now my anxiety and trust issues are just worse than anybody but I don't think I would recognize or believe if somebody was interested in me unless they came out and just said it.

It's easy and completely without drama huh? Gee, where do I sign up?

I don't think that is quite accurate. I'd rather claim you have each others company but are not constantly talking. That IS time alone for me. I'm not really alone, but I'm not constantly doing small talk either. I would feel alone if my partner is not nearby, but I would not feel alone just because we are not constantly doing small talk.

This is not the situation with the aspie I was dating. He needed -alone- time, not just not talking time. In fact, when we were together each doing our own thing, HE was the person who would be far more likely to bring up some random thing to mention to me than the other way around.

I'm NT and I think I have ADHD.

Could be because he was not self-aware enough and that he thought you expected small talk. After all, not all NDs will be natural (as is obvious in L&D too), and a lot of them are playing roles even when they don't have to.

If you have ADHD then that would make you not neurotipical. Neurotipical means that you lack any psychological disorders or disabilities, and ADHD is well within the domain of neurodiversity. Just sayin'.

This community really should use the word "allistic" more in place of "neurotipical" because it describes someone without autism without suggesting that they are not neurodiverse in some other way.

Who does not have any psychological disorder? Anxiety, depression, ADD, OCD, and the list goes on.

There's also the belief by some that most people probably have some sort of mental health disorder that just goes undiagnosed.

Before that makes any of the N.T.'s here angry, here me out:

I too support this belief and think a commonly underdiagnosed mental illness would be things like sociopathy, psychopathic disorders, schizoid disorders (different to schizophrenia) and such.

Thing is, most sociopaths are aware if they tell doctors of their thoughts they'd get locked up in mental institutions for 'safety' purposes and such.

A lot of sociopaths are also simply apathetic to getting help. True sociopaths don't really feel any strong emotions at all - no sympathy, no love, no care or happiness.

Just think of how many bad people you've me out there in the world that don't have any sort of sympathy or empathy for any other human beings.

Yes, it is normal to not give a damn about most strangers, I'm not saying that means you're a sociopath.

But I mean there's plenty of people who disregard the law and are otherwise low-lifes in some way that aren't diagnosed with anything yet continue to be in-and-out of jail and not learn at all from any of their mistakes and still do things that may hurt others or bring others to harm.

Don't know how it is in U.S., but think of how many young men in Aus speed dangerously, drug deal, have illegal weapons on them, assault people with their large number of friends to rob them, etc. It's ridiculously common in Australia.

I heard somewhere only about 25% of U.S. criminals are actually diagnosed with sociopathic/psychopathic disorders.

Wouldn't one think the number would be a bit higher than that?

^I guess that supports the notion that there really is no such thing as being "neurotipical" because everyone is just so different. I personally don't like the term much.